Nadine

Pregnant?

She’s pregnant.

That was the only thought that was on repeat in my mind as I drove to the hotel, gathered my things, rented another car and drove to Maryland.

Pregnant?

How could this be?

Did he cheat?

I was losing my damn mind.

***

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN HIS girlfriend is pregnant?” My grandma’s sharp eyes were on me. “You are his girlfriend? Are you into that poly shit? Why am I just finding out about this? So, do you get down with girls too? Your mama know?”

Jesus.

“Grandma, NO!” My voice was raised. “His girlfriend who I thought was an ex. Well, she was, but maybe one with benefits or even if it wasn’t, she’s pregnant and yeah...”

My emotions were all over the place and I really didn’t want to talk about anything and especially not stupid fucking Mills. That son of a bitch could kick all the mountains he could find. He would be better off getting bit by a serpent because I probably could strangle him with my bare hands.

We stood in the kitchen of my grandma’s brownstone in downtown Bowie. The neighborhood was changing rapidly as most of her neighbors were now oriental or white and no longer black. Most of those folks moved out of state. Her long-term friends and neighbors for decades ago had left and retired to Florida, California or with family or other relatives in other states. She said they were getting older and didn’t want the Maryland life anymore.

The woman raised me most of my life and now that mom was on the straight and narrow and not too far from grandma, they were in a better place. Grandma would often say that mom’s illness aged them both.

The woman stood over a bowl of cream of wheat whipping it and shaking her head as she probably figured I was in a polyamorous relationship.

“I was in a relationship with Mills and him only. He was the one...” I exhaled and let the teardrop from my eye.

“Baby girl,” she stopped stirring and called to me. “Cry later, now is the time to find out if the lying bitch is telling the truth. Why do you assume she’s right? If I’m right, you said she flew in a plane to go to someone else’s wedding and make a scene. You ran off, didn’t let the man explain and now you’re acting like one of those women. You know the ones that are overly dramatic for no damn reason? Find out. I still maintain that the man I met loves you to pieces. He loves you like Lazarus love ya mama. Despite your shenanigans.”

She started stirring again but I was shocked that she wanted me to hear him out.

“Plus, let’s say it’s his and it happened legitimately before you?” She asked. “Do you still leave?”

My eyes were so tired from crying that I could barely keep them open. Snot continued to run out of my nose and I kept dabbing my upper lip. Thoughts of a little boy looking just like him from that bitch made my chest ache. I grabbed at my shirt and gripped the flesh over my heart. I was in physical pain and the more I discussed it, the more it hurt. It had to be psychological, but it was real in my head.

“Grandma, I don’t feel well.” I excused myself from the table and went upstairs to my bedroom and laid down.

She would let me be for now, but I knew this woman was relentless. She was team Mills or maybe it was just team anti-bitch! It didn’t matter, I just wanted the pain to go away.

I woke up, the sun was down, the stars were out and I could hear laughter in the house. Glancing at the clock, I saw it was seven o’clock in the evening.

Damn.

It probably didn’t help that I performed the impossible out of pure rage and anger. I hired an emergency moving company and cleared everything out of that place in three hours. It costs a pretty penny, but I was willing to dig into my savings for that. Even the storage costs were more than I anticipated, but I’d figure all that shit out later.

A laugh erupted from my grandma again and I realized she must have company. The television shows she watched were not that funny. How many times can she watch Designing Women and laugh like that?

Quickly brushing my teeth and slipping on my flip flops, I made my way to the kitchen where she usually entertained most of her guest. When I walked in, I saw her with her head thrown back having a full-on belly laugh and a hulking, familiar man also sitting down at the small table laughing with her. It took them a while for anyone to notice me, which was dumb on my part because I wanted to leave. I needed to. My heart rate sped up, perspiration began to develop on my forehead, underarms and my back.

“Baby girl, you’re up,” Grandma called with no alarm as she piped down on her laughter. “You hungry?”

I didn’t answer her as I took in all of Mills, who was now standing, taking up the whole kitchen with his height, girth and intensity. My legs wouldn’t move nor my mouth. I wanted to leave because I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to see those remorseful eyes with bags under them and his scruffy face looking like he’d been through hell and back. Forget how I looked, I didn’t want to see that this too was killing him as well. I didn’t want to see the man I loved who could say five words and I’d crawl in his arms and forgive him. I didn’t want anyone to have that type of power over me.

No one.

They could hurt me and I’d be a fool forever.

“I don’t want to see you,” I finally managed to get out of my mouth as boiling hot tears began to pool in my eyes.

Mills never took his eyes from mine and the next thing I heard was a loud thud. This caused me to jerk around towards the door, but it didn’t register that the noise was right in front of me.

“I’m just going to excuse myself,” I heard Grandma whisper before she held up her finger and tiptoed out the room as if we were in church and something sacred was taking place.

When my eyes landed on Mills, I realized Grandma was right. There was something sacred taking place, as a thud startled me. The big man before me had dropped to both knees.

“Nadine,” he whispered. “I won’t do this without you. Baby, I can’t.”

My head shook as he slowly knee-walked himself to me, so that he was directly in front, with his arms around my waist. I wanted to leave. I should have left but I couldn’t move from my now rooted spot near the mouth of the old-fashioned kitchen with eggshell and grey patterned linoleum floors.

His fists gripped the sides of my shirt. My hands grabbed his wrist with no attempt to pull them off but simply to hold on. My knees felt weak, my heartbeat with the same rhythm as the tremble of my bottom lip. No words would escape my mouth as I stared into the eyes of this man.

“Nadine, I didn’t cheat. I never would. If what she says is even true, it had to happen before I met you. If what she says is true, I will never be with her, when you’re the only one for me. Do you hear me?”

I heard him but the only response my body gave was the drop of a wet tear from my eye that fell on his face since his chin was touching my stomach as the man’s sad eyes stared back at me.

Mills didn’t bother to wipe anything away, he merely continued to talk.

“I have everything laid out for us. A plot of land, job, career, and our family.” And that word made me jerk.

“You mean your family?” I retorted. “Your baby with Rebecca.”

The man’s entire body grew tight as he blinked then nodded.

“I mean our family, including my child, if it’s true.” He replied. “Please, sweetheart, don’t throw us away. Move back and give us a chance.”

His words were meant to soothe, but red, hot rage coursed through me and I erupted.

“A chance,” I hissed. “I have given us a chance. Many fucking chances and look where that leaves me. On the outside looking in as you will have your own family with that gotdamn bitch. She trapped you. How can I give us a chance, Mills? I can’t compete with a baby. I can’t compete with your ex. You were fucking high school sweethearts. She’s got years with you. I’ve got a measly five months and my heart is broken because she’ll get you with her baby and there will be no us. I won’t stand by and watch that. I can’t.”

Mills buried his face in my stomach as he shook his head like he couldn’t hear my words. His arms wrapped around me as he held me a little too tight. Heat hit a section of my stomach and that is when I heard the growl, he muffled in my center. More tears dropped from my eyes as I could feel the essence of his agony moving through his body with every inhale and the touch.

Mills looked up at me and the sheer pain on his face made me tear up again.

With one massive inhale, he finally said with a hitch in his voice, “I won’t lose you, Nadine. I love you with everything that I have. You are what I’ve been holding out for since the beginning. I never married her or even asked and that was for a reason. I was waiting for my true other half. The one that makes me smile in the morning, with her wild hair and beautiful smile. She pushes, complements, and partners with me. It’s you, Nadine and I’ll do everything in my gotdamn power to show you that it will only be you, not Rebecca. She’s not even a contender. It’s years of time with her that equated to a prison sentence. Do you think I’ll get my first feeling of home, my true home and choose the cell I was in? I fought to get out. I’m righting the wrongs, Nadine. I don’t give a fuck about what trap she set, nothing will make me leave my real home. That’s only in you. My heart, Nadine, has found a home in you. Just you.”

The tears continued to fall and bathed the man’s beautiful face. I couldn’t tell if he was crying or if they were all mine. It didn’t matter because his words resonated with my soul. He’d felt like home too. For so long, I had my grandma’s house, never my mom’s, as the safe place but Mills was that for me now and I understood. I completely understood what he meant by our hearts finding their true home. Not where it should have been.

“How?” I managed to mutter.

His eyes lit up right before me and then Mills dropped his forehead into my stomach with a long exhale. His head moved up and down like he was nodding it before he lifted it again and said, “I have a plan. I’d loved to show you.”

I inhaled and quickly exhaled as the crying had me short of breath. My head gave him the affirmative nod, then he gave it back to me and stood.

Before I could even protest, I was in his arms and Mills was carrying me through my grandma’s house and upstairs.

“Second door on the left,” I whispered.

My grandma’s room was on the right, down the narrow hall and I was sure she had retired for the evening. I also knew she wouldn’t mind Mills staying for the evening either. She was team Mills, that was for sure.

He carried me inside, laid me across the bed and began to take off his shirt. The door was wide open, but despite his actions, it didn’t seem X-rated. Mills toed off his boots, climbed in bed beside me and brought me into his arms.

The man simply held me, as I silently cried in his chest.  Through long inhales and exhales of breath, his arms squeezed me tight. Even though I had just woken up less than thirty minutes ago with a broken heart, I fell back asleep with his lips on my head.

Mills:

The look in Nadine’s eyes when I first saw her in the kitchen voiced the unspoken questions.

How would this work?

Are you sure?

What is the plan?

Hell, I could almost hear Nadine yelling them in my head. She did not have to say one iota and I knew that she was anxious, but I also knew she loved me just as much as I loved her. There was a pull, like no other, that made us stronger and would get us through these tough times.

Could Rebecca be pregnant?

I would have said no, except one of our last night’s together, she plastered me with beer with her pseudo-celebration of some made up couple’s holiday. We had unprotected sex, but she’d been on the pill since she hit ninth grade. Her father tried to ensure there were no accidents and made that clear to me early in our relationship. Pops made it clear too that I needed to be careful of wily women, and it seemed that Ms. Rebecca Whitmore was just that.

If she was pregnant, it was no accident. If she wasn’t, then that would simply blow Pops’ theory of women into a full fledge Bible.

When I woke up the next morning, Nadine’s grandma was in the room staring at us lying in the small double bed.

“See you were victorious,” she whispered as my eyes met the woman’s smiling face.

“Not out of the storm yet,” I assured her. “Thank you for letting me come and stay.”

“You’re family now, Mills.” She nodded towards me. “But know if you hurt my granddaughter, I will have you caught and bound.”

The tone in which she stated the threat hadn’t changed from her sweet demeanor and welcoming words mere second earlier. I nodded my head at the woman while staring, “Noted.”

“Good.” She walked across the room to the closet. “Stay as long as you like. There are sheets and other linen in here, though I bet you want to get her back into the groove of things in Iowa.”

There was no doubt the woman was wise and she had probably earned the right to be so. Raising an addict can put years on someone and those experiences that expose your psyche to things that would forever change a person. Her wisdom was well-earned and I nodded to confirm that last thought.

“Figured.” She nodded with sadness in her eyes.

“I’d like you to come with us. Meet my brothers, and their wives or soon to be significant others. Maybe you can stay and help Nadine with the transition. I think she’d appreciate that. She missed you while at school.”

The tinted whites of the older woman’s eyes seem to shine a bit brighter as the feisty woman nodded as quickly as I could get the words out of my mouth.

“I’d like that.” She exclaimed. “Very much.”

“Then it’s settled.” I confirmed while pulling Nadine further into me. “I’ll get you a ticket.”

“Oh, no, that won’t–” she began but I cut her off.

“Grandma Beth, this, we won’t argue about.” I said with sternness in my tone.

Her eyes softened before she said, “I see why she likes you. You’re bossy as hell.”

She huffed and left out of the room, and said, “Make sure your bossy ass is downstairs at breakfast in thirty minutes.”

I chuckled and kissed her granddaughter’s full head of wild hair. Nadine stirred but moved closer into my body, causing me to wrap my leg around her lower half. This woke her, which was good because that thirty minutes would fly by as I’d been used to staring at her form in my arms for hours. It was partly because I knew this could happen to me. Rebecca had been like furniture in my life, just something that was there and provided no challenge, comfort or even response half of the time. A bystander in our entire relationship.

“Morning,” her voice was gruff and sexy.

“Morning, sweetheart.” I planted a long kiss on her forehead. “How’d you sleep?”

Her head nodded, causing that untamed mane to follow with a mind of its own. “Good.”

“Hungry?” I asked as I nuzzled my nose in her neck. “Grandma Beth gave me a deadline of when I should have my ass downstairs.”

Nadine’s body began to vibrate with laughter in my arms, causing me to laugh as well. I loved us like this. My heart didn’t feel so heavy, but hopeful.

“Okay. Let’s eat now, then,” Nadine said as she pulled her head back to look me in the eye.

The intensity and steadfastness of her words hit its intended target. My head nodded at those words and I answered, “Yes.”

As soon as we entered the kitchen where the smell of dangerously delicious bacon surrounded the two of us with its friend, coffee.

“Just in time.” Grandma Beth announced. “Let’s eat so I can go pack.”

“Where are you going?” Nadine asked, not missing the comment.

“With you,” she replied. “Mills here is going to let an old gal get her first taste of Iowa life!”

The woman appeared to be even more excited than when I asked her. Nadine looked to me with the question on her face.

“It’s a part of the plan.” I nodded towards the plate of food on the table. “Let’s eat first.”

Instead of moving towards the food, she turned to face me and planted her face on my chest. This happened at the same time her arms surrounded my midsection.

Fuck.

This was everything.

It pleased her and shit, it must have been what she wanted but never mentioned.

“Sweetheart,” I whispered as my arms embraced her.

Nadine’s head pulled back and it was when I saw her mouth, “I love you so much.”

“Love you,” I said with a smile. “Let’s eat.”

***

ONCE WE ARRIVED BACK to Iowa, I was able to get Nadine and Grandma Beth settled in at my house, where we had been spending most of our time. Old man Munn was sorry to lose a tenant, but since it was the end of the semester, it made sense that her lease ended in June anyway.

Grandma was all too excited to be in Iowa and despite her previous encounter with her health, the woman was quite energetic. She wanted to sightsee, visit Nadine’s school, even CAN-IT. She was all too excited to embrace this newness and my girl was even more ecstatic to share it with her.

After breakfast yesterday, I began to tell Nadine the plan, as we discussed, but she stopped me mid-sentence and said, “I change my mind Mills. I want you to show me the plan.”

At first this took me off guard, but then my heart warmed completely because the woman was putting her trust in me. All of it. She was willing to let me guide her through my plan of actions and not my words. I had no doubt that having her grandmother come back with us for a visit was a big push for Nadine to make that move. It was an action that involved the woman who had a major hand in raising her.

I hadn’t even done it for that, but if that’s what it took, then so be it. I’d do anything for that woman.

Anything.