Mills

“Seen Ida?” Pops sidled up to me at the barn while I milked my cow, Deloris.

“Yeah,” I answered.

“She uh...” he stammered, “Coming by anytime soon. Had something I wanted to show her since she was always pestering me, you know?”

What in the hell?

I turned to the old man and looked him up and down.

“Never seen you looking for Ida. Like ever. She’s out and dating, Pops. Leave her be. Since she now has opportunities elsewhere.” I snapped.

“I ain’t looking for her, now,” he clarified. “And watch your tone with me. I’ll still beat the shit out of you. Sounds like trouble in paradise.”

I shook my head as the pain from Nadine’s blow hit me again. Love was for the gotdamn birds. This shit hurt too much.

“No trouble. Nadine is moving back to Maryland when she’s finished. She’ll have more opportunities there. Since there are none here for her.” I shared, causing my chest to constrict even more.

I stopped squeezing on Deloris’ nipple because the fucking pain was unbearable and I didn’t want to hurt my girl.

“Opportunities?” Pops hissed. “For her field of study this is the best place to be.”

“Exactly!” I snapped. “She’s smart and she knows that shit. Which means she wants to go back. She doesn’t see an opportunity with me, is what I took it as. She is working on a special project at CAN-IT, and doing amazing. She will have her masters in weeks, and didn’t say a fucking thing until last night. Check this Pops. She presents me with my favorite meal and then says she only has two options and both end with her going back to Maryland. Forget the hoops I’ve gone through to be with her. Fucking forgot about the other opportunities that have come her way. There are very few graduate students that work at CAN-IT? Really?”

Pops didn’t say anything in response to my outburst, which caused me to look up. The older man was contemplating me with a haze that almost seemed strained.

“What?” I asked, taking the annoyed tone out of my voice.

His bushy, salt and pepper eyebrows came together and then he shook his head as if he were keeping himself from saying something.

“Son,” he called with a reserved warning tone. “I’ve been there. Right fucking where you are.”

He gave a heavy sigh. It was so heavy, my heart seemed to stop because my father was getting emotional.

“Your mother.” He paused to take a deep inhale of the barn scented air before he continued. “Your mother, she uh, she left me. Left y’all. Well, left us. Shit. She left and she never turned back because I didn’t listen to her. She always said it. Called me bullheaded just like my animals. She was never cut out for this work. Didn’t understand it but she wanted to escape. I loved that woman. She gave me four beautiful boys and I wouldn’t take that back for nothing. But she left and uh, if I had listened to her, I could have prevented it. I thought as you did. I’ve sacrificed. I put food on the gotdamn table. Shit, I was the primary breadwinner. She wanted to be a mother, so she thought. I gave my fair share to the family and I made plenty of sacrifices for her, but that wasn’t what she wanted. In hindsight, she was weak, but I was weaker because I didn’t do everything in my power to make sure you boys had a mother growing up. She left me, but she left us because of me. I, uh, just don’t want you to make the same mistake.”

Pops’ eyes landed on me again with unshed tears and at that moment, he looked very much his age.

“Pops, I have listened.” I explained because I never wanted to touch on why mom left.

Pops never talked about her.

Ever.

He’d call her weak when the subject came up, but we were all young when she left.

“No, son.” He patted me on the back. “It’s not what she’s saying you got to listen for only. It’s what she’s not saying. If you ask an old man, I’d tell you that gal gave you the two options that she knows, but what she’s not saying is that she wants more options from you. She’s not Rebecca and thank God for that. She won’t sit around on her laurels and wait for you to get your shit together. She’s going to get her shit together and it’s your job to get ahead of her. She is leaving that school and she’s planning, so you, son, better plan with her in order for it to work out. That’s if you want her now. If you don’t, then that’s something different.”

“What? Of course, I want her.” I glared at him.

“Well then, get your head out of your ass and act like it.” He fixed me with a sharp look and walked out while wiping his eyes.

My mind began to wonder about what Nadine wasn’t saying, as well as what she did say. We were new, about a good four months together and I loved her. That was without question. She said she loved me, so if that was the case, then she shouldn’t be okay with just leaving because I damn sure wasn’t okay with her going. So, I had to find a way to make her stay.

***

MY RESOLUTION DIDN’T happen that day or the next as I was still in the planning stages of what I needed to do. I also had not reached out to Nadine because I wanted to have a plan in place before we discussed everything again. I felt caught off guard with our last conversation, which did not yield a good reaction. I knew I needed to apologize properly.

By day three, she and I still hadn’t talked and my plan still wasn’t set. So, when I spotted Nadine marching towards the farm at six in the morning, I wasn’t quite sure what to say. By the time she reached me, not only did I see she was pissed, but the woman was on a mission.

“Three days, Mills.” She snapped.

Shit.

“You storm out of my place when we’re supposed to be having an adult conversation about my future, don’t come back, and there is no word from you in three days.” Her arms were flailing, and her voice was raised.

Holy shit.

“Nadine, the–” I tried to interject.

“No, Mills, I’m talking. You had three days to talk and decided to do nothing, so now I’m doing the fucking talking,” she snapped.

Pops words came back to me almost like a gust of wind. In essence, if I wasn’t acting, then she would. This woman was not Rebecca, walking around acting like everything was alright and hoping if she avoided me, we wouldn’t break up. Nope, not my Nadine. She would take the bull, me in this case, by the horns and make it heel.

I came around the table and said in a low voice, “I love you.”

This took the wind out of her sails almost immediately. 

“I love you too, but you just left me when, I was–” She began but I cut her off.

“Nadine, I love you.” I told her. “I don’t want you to leave and I’m working on a plan to have you stay. I want you here...with me.” I moved towards her and pushed her untamed curls behind her ear. “I want you to stay, I want to ensure you’re doing exactly what you want so you’ll be happy. I want to propose to you properly and beg for your hand in marriage. I want to wed you, take you on a honeymoon, where we’ll start to travel and then settle down and have some more Timms’ kids. If you want to buy or even want me to build a home, I’ll do it. Whatever you want, Nadine. I’ll do it, but I don’t want you leaving me. Do you understand? I won’t have it.”

Tears began to stream down her face as she stood there with her cute bottom lip trembling. Grabbing the back of her neck, I pulled her to me so I could nibble on it. Then I kissed each tear from her chin to her eyelids before I took her mouth again.

“Love you, sweetheart.” I whispered with my forehead touching hers after our deep kiss. 

“Love you too,” she whispered back.

That only lasted for a moment before I heard, “’Bout damn time.”

My head whipped around and saw Pops looking at us with a smile.

“Glad you two sorted through your shit, but this store won’t sell itself, now.” He nodded at me.

“Sorry, Pops.” Nadine added. “I’m going to class now.”

She was talking to me, but looking at Pops.

“Bring your ass over tonight then, because you owe me a dinner, ya hear?” Pops told her, which was funny because if I tried to boss her around, she’d resist. Pops bossed her around, she doesn’t even complain. The woman just smiles and does what he says.

“So, he can tell you what to do, but if I try, I get all types of pushback?” I questioned her.

Nadine blinked one long time and then answered, “Well, yeah.”

Pops gave his usual hearty laugh, moves me out of the way and gave Nadine a big ole hug.

“What the fuck! Last I checked, she was my girlfriend,” I muttered.

Nobody cared.

“Okay, see you tonight.” Nadine yelled back and waved.

I have no idea if she was talking to Pops or me.

“She’s mine, old man,” I sneered at Pops.

He gave me a side-eye and laughed, “Then I suggest you hold on to her then.” He picked up his pail and walked off.

My head shook as I held in my own laughter. I planned to hold on to her now more than ever.