Nadine

When I woke back up, Mills was gone and would be gone all day. Farming was no joke and that didn’t include what he did for CAN-IT or his side job with the university. The man beat my ambition and that was hard to do.

When I turned over on the bed, there was a note on his side.

The laughter bubbled up and erupted from me as I thought about my little show this morning. It was meant to entice, and I wanted to do something for him. Initially, I was upset that his stupid ex-girlfriend had cornered me with her mean girl tactics. I had even looked to take out some of that on him because those girls were clearly prejudiced and Mills was with her for a long time. Mills shut all of that down. No way did I think that man would have stormed out of the house and confronted those evil bitches. Yeah, that was unexpected and also sexy as hell.

This morning was my thank you, but oh, he’d given me much more. I did go back to sleep.

The letter though.

Swoon.

I sat on the bed, stretched out my legs with my back against the headboard and stared blankly at the note. We’d always come to my place and though I haven’t made it to the family dinner yet, I knew it was something sacred.

I almost forgot about the first dinner and the other two dinners I had missed because of various issues. I had to redeem myself in Pops’ eyes.

Hopping up, I started my day by going to class and doing my lab hours. When I went to the local all-purpose store to get Post-It Notes, I ran into the familiar tall man who resembled Mills. I saw him at Sarah’s Cuisine and he asked me that crazy question.

“Hi, Mr. Timms.” The cashier greeted him.

He was dressed in tight hip-hugging jeans, a heather grey shirt and cowboy boots. He looked like he was in a rough state or had a hangover. His skin was flushed, his eyes had a beige tint about them and he was moving extremely slow. Mills mentioned having other siblings but there was no a family portrait lying around Pops’ house.

“Morn...” the gruff Timms nodded with a strain in his voice. “Advil.”

The cashier must have known the routine because he quickly grabbed the packet of medicine, a water and candy bar for the man. As if this was the routine. The Timms’ brother threw some money on the counter, too much money, and suddenly turned as if he didn’t know I was behind him.

He blinked twice, then his neck peered down as if he were inspecting me.

His lip turned up before he asked, “Nina?”

I blinked and slowly shook my head which made him squint further. The man huffed, turned and grabbed his purchases and walked out.

That was weird.

“Sorry about that. Knox is going through a moment.” The cashier must have observed my confused state.

“That’s Mills’ brother?” I asked.

“Yeah, one of four.” He answered. “All of ‘em are smart as hell, have their own business, or doing some big-time shit. Bigger than ‘lil ole Libby.”

The man sounded like a fan of the family. I guess in small towns, this was to be expected.

“I see.” I nabbed a bottle of orange juice from the mini fridge that sat on the far side of the counter.

“Yeah, Knox is simply going through a rough patch. Think it’s about a woman he was fighting over earlier in the year. Heard he was a jerk to her. It’s just his way. He was dealt a less than ideal hand, you know.” He looked at me as if I should know. Then he said, “She looked a lot like you.”

Okay.

One of my eyebrows rose with that statement, then he followed up, “I mean, same hair and all.”

Right, nice save buddy.

I gave him the eye and then remembered what the mean girls said. She must have been black. Now, that was interesting, but in a good way.  

Going to Mills’ house was going to be a treat, but I was nervous. This sort of intimacy was on another level, but I was caught in the man’s web. His ability to be sweet, coupled with stubborn yet strategic, was also endearing. He tried to get his brother Troy to bring me over to his place, but I wouldn’t have it. The bossy man did not like the only Uber driver in town, Chris, but he would have to get over that. Plus, he let me make pit stops to get groceries, fresh flowers and other odds and ends before reaching my final destination.

When I knocked on the door, it swung open because they never locked the doors or apparently closed them in this part of Iowa. This caused me to pause before I yelled, “Mills?”

“In here,” he called back.

Mills’ owned a farmhouse, like Pop’s, but more modern and it was brick, which didn’t really look his type. As a farmer and scientist, his place felt a little sterile than I expected.

Once I stepped inside, the space was very much just a bachelor’s pad with a couch and large television. There were no pictures on the wall, or even carpet to make the winters bearable on his feet. There were no blinds, just some black curtains and old country windows with the wooden panes around and between them.

“In the kitchen,” Mills uttered in a low voice.

He sounded as if he was in distress, so I quickly walked towards the sound of his voice.

“Hey,” I called but stopped abruptly when I saw the big man hunched over in front of the stove.

His elbows were outstretched and his face was hidden in the crook of his arm as he slowly shifted the weight on his feet on the tips of his socked feet.

“Mills” I called again. “Are you alright?”

“Fuck, no.” He exclaimed with a strained voice. “Migraine.”

“Oh,” I whispered, dropped the bags and went to him. Running my hand up his back, I added pressure to his shoulders and began to make my way up to his forehead and temples, continually massaging the points where migraines tended to originate. At first, Mills started to protest and then his head fell on top of the stove as a slight moan escaped his mouth. Jabbar used to get them all the time, so I learned how to massage them away.

“Fuck,” Mills hissed as he fell under the spell of my fingers. “That feels so gotdamn good.”

Five minutes later, a strong arm wrapped around my waist right before the man stood to his full hulking height. His eyes met mine before his head descended and Mills took my mouth in a long kiss.  

“Evening,” he whispered when he pulled back.

“Evening,” I smiled back. “Are you feeling better?”

“One hundred percent.” Mills grabbed my hands. “These must be magic. Usually, the fucking migraines stop everything. Almost ruined dinner.”

“Yeah, those things are serious,” I replied as I felt him grow while he had me against the stove.

His eyes were low and, at that moment, I would have thought there’d be no dinner. Mills shook his head before he nuzzled his nose against mine and kissed me again.

“Got to resist your pull,” he whispered. “We gotta eat.”

I laughed and pushed him away.

“Come on then.”

Instead of him cooking alone, we actually spent the next forty-five minutes in the kitchen making dinner together. We shared various recipes and set some dates of when to have a cook-off. He, like his father, kept trying to compete with me.

After Mills repaid me for helping him with his migraine, that had clearly disintegrated by the way he had me screaming his name, we laid in post-coital bliss.

My head rested on his hard chest while his fingers made absent circles on my hip. With one leg thrown over his, it was the perfect position to fall asleep but we both laid there wide awake.

“What are you thinking about?” Mills finally broke the silence.

“Just you.” I smiled but kept staring off at his beige walls lying on his over-sized furniture for the small master bedroom. “What are you thinking about?”

Instead of answering, he made a choking sound that resembled a scoff but more of a ‘you don’t want to know’ sort of grunt.

I didn’t know, so I asked, “What’s that about?”

“Thinking about you, of course,” he answered with a chuckle. “Thinking about what will happen at the end of the semester. Trying to figure out what’s going on with us. Just a bunch of heavy shit after coming twice, a good dinner with excellent company who’s a screamer, which I like a lot. That’s all.” His chest rose with a long inhale and then released on a sigh.

Damn.

His words hit their intended target because they rendered me speechless. I had no idea what would happen at the end of the semester. I would go back to Maryland, start my job and live my life, right? That’s what I wanted, what I had been working towards. He and I, well, we would be over after two months from now.

Fuck.

“Mills,” I said with a slight sigh.

He squeezed my hip with the tips of his fingers.

“Shh, sweetheart,” his lips kissed the top of my head. “That’s my heavy shit. We’ll talk about it soon. Not now. Get some sleep.”

That’s where he was wrong. It was not his heavy shit, it was mine too. He was right about not talking about it now, because I had absolutely no answers.

My eyes closed, and I eventually fell asleep with a bunch of heavy shit on my mind.

Mills:

We said we wouldn’t talk about it. That was the agreement that I broke last night because it was not looking in Libby’s favor. Hell, even if I said fuck Libby, which I couldn’t, it wasn’t working out in my favor.

This was her first time over my place, which was good, but the tension about our next steps could be cut with a knife.

She finally went to sleep but I remained up well into the night thinking about how to keep Nadine with me.

Here, in Libby, with me.

Once I made it to Pops the next morning, leaving Nadine in bed with another note, I immediately started my routine of getting everything for sale up and running. Pops interrupted as he rode over on his horse, Daisy, with his Stetson on his head. The big black Friesian horse had been in the family since we were in our late teens. She was Pops’ baby, but her lifespan wasn’t really longer than sixteen years or so.

“Look at that face,” Pops called from atop Daisy with a knowing smirk on his face.

“Don’t you look like the cat that got the canary.”

My head shook because I knew the old man wouldn’t let it rest. He was going to dig in unless I turned the tables. However, if he was on Daisy, then he was having a good day and that wasn’t something I wanted to ruin.

“Pops,” I acknowledged. “Morning.”

“Morning, son.” He smirked. “You see ya girl last night?”

“Why?” I asked with one eyebrow up.

He raised both of his eyebrows before he said, “Well, you look refreshed. Like the young, strapping man you are. Virile and head full of shit that will get your heart broken, but I’m sure it’s sweet now.”

We never really had the conversation about his thing with mom. She left and he has utterly hated women ever since. A woman-hating shrew, like the he-man woman haters from The Little Rascals. However, he was the old version of Alfalfa with his strapping looks. The older ladies of Libby still followed after him even though he shunned the whole gender. Ida was the only one who seemed to be consistent, or at least present.

Yet, I found myself wanting to talk to him about my dilemma, but it would probably fall on the ears of one of my brothers. Knox was fucked up at the moment with his issues with Nina, and J.D. was in heaven’s bliss with Tess. So, I went for it.

“Pops, question for you.” I finished putting the vegetables out on the counter.

“Shit, this is going to be deep ain’t it. I’m feeling it here.” He huffed and pounded his chest once with a closed fist.

Right.

“Yup, Pops. It’s deep.” I folded my hands across my own chest.

Oddly enough, with one nod, he carefully demounted Daisy and came around to sit down behind the counter. Nobody would show for another hour or so.

“Okay, son. Shoot.” He patted both hands on his thighs as if he was really bracing for my next move.

Seeing his nervousness made me simmer down so I could say what was on my mind.

“Nadine is only here for a semester. She’s done in two months and then she’ll be back in Maryland.” I eyed him closely but he remained braced with both hands locked. “I like her. Like, a lot. She’s funny, sexy and what I’ve been looking for–”

I went to continue but Pops interrupted me and said, “What wasn’t in that gal, Rebecca. Yeah.”

“Yeah, I guess.” I continued. “However, I’m not J.D. and this farm isn’t moving with me to Maryland. I won’t even address Knox because I don’t know what his ass is doing besides moping around after Nina. This,” I waved my hand around, “is what I do. What I want. The shit with CAN-IT and at the university, those things make me happy, so it’s not an option for me to leave them but...”

I let that hang because I never really voiced it before. There was a single point in time where I simply hold on to what is and not realize what I might be missing out on. Is it too early to tell? Am I just in lust?

Shit.

When I looked Pops in the eyes, he released his hands and said, “Boy, don’t talk about this much.” His faded eyes shifted. “But, that mother of yours, she broke my fucking heart and left it for the chickens to pluck up with their mash. Worse shit of my life. Fact of the matter is, I still ain’t recovered and I’m old enough to be okay with it. You hear me? But that ain’t you. None of y’all. You, J.D., Troy and even that damn Knox who reminds me of me. Scares me shitless. Don’t want that for him. If he loves that woman, then he should go after her. So should you. The farm, we can handle the farm. However, if you love it, then whoever you find will love it too. They’ll need to. Don’t want no woman like your mama. She wasn’t okay with this life. Hence, her ass was outta here on the first trip to Guatemala. J.D.’s woman, this wasn’t for her. However, this wasn’t for J.D. either. So that worked out. You...well, you have to eventually make a decision. What do you want? What are you willing to do for it? More importantly, as fucked as it was for your mother to be a coward, if I’d never taken that chance, even when I knew, I would have never had the four things dearest to my heart. Four boys who turned into some mighty fine men, who will make some damn good husbands. Even if it doesn’t work out, they weren’t cowards. They tried and gave it their best effort. Mills, that’s all you can do here. Not sure how helpful that advice is to you but it’s what I got.”

The man’s words made the hair on my arms prickle with awareness. We didn’t do father-son conversations. When it was time to have sex, he gave us condoms, gave us warning about crabs and babies and said, ‘Wrap the shit up always.’ Every once in a while, he’ll say ‘hope you’re wrapping it up.’ That was the extent of the conversation for fatherly advice. How he imparted wisdom was through his actions. Through his conversation with men, his peers, neighbors, community and the like. That was Pops.

But this...it’s what I needed to hear.

What did I want to do? How did I want to proceed?

It was up to me, not Nadine. If I wanted her, then I needed to pursue her. Fuck the consequences. If she wanted me, then she’d need to accept me. All of me.

I just didn’t know what or where we were and we agreed to not discuss anything in depth until thirty days from the last day of classes.

“So, you love her, huh?” Pops interrupted my thoughts.

“I don’t know about–” I started to say.

“Boy, stop. You’re smitten with that woman and if you ain’t in love, you’re falling – hard, too. Got her that internship. Walking around here like you’re on some cloud smiling and shit.” He chuckled. “Looks good on you. She looks good on ya. I like her. She need not cook that shit she gave us or shop at that place that won’t be named. But she got spunk. I like her for you.”

“Yeah, me too, Pops.” I mused. “I like her too.”

“Well, then you know what to do. You may not win your case by waiting for her to make a move. You saw how your brother did. Took his ass up there and made that woman make a decision. With strong women like my Tessa, you can’t be weak. Same with Nadine and that Nina. Don’t surprise me that you all have three strong women because that’s your match. That Rebecca was nice and all but she was never your match. You were always going to outgrow her cause she ain’t never wanted nothing. Her and her papa sitting around talking about everything we are doing, while they don’t do shit with their lives. Just sit around talking about what others doing.”

Pops shook his head and so did I.

The man had a point because their whole family felt like we thought we were better than them. Where do they get that shit from?

“Heard what she did to Nadine. Joey was talking about it at the diner. That shit ain’t cool, at all. There’s enough evil in the world to focus on than the color of somebody’s damn skin.” He said with a twist in his upper lip. “Just so you know, I don’t care who ya date or marry. None of ya, and I told them that shit at the diner too. All them ladies are beautiful, sexy and sassy. Any man would be lucky to have them. Just so happens, it’s my boys. I couldn’t be happier.”

Without much to say to Pops giving his approval we already knew we had but also saying to the town and giving them a virtual fuck you, I nodded my head. They already thought we were progressive, so whatever views they held about interracial dating were probably not on par with us. We never really gave a damn and never would. Small town or not.

“Yeah uh, thanks, Pop.” I finally murmured. “Needed that.”

The old man hit his thighs with both hands and said, “All in a day’s work. Going over to the east side to help the boys with some of the new crop. I’ll see you around lunchtime.”

I nodded and said, “Yeah, see you then.”

Spending most of the day pondering on my various thoughts, I didn’t even see Nadine standing with a stricken look on her face beside the long line. Immediately calling for Steve, the stable hand, to take over for me while I moved to my woman.

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” I said, cupping her face when I reached her.

Her tone was reddened around the eyes and cheeks with those weary-rimmed eyes that looked as if she had been crying.

She sighed and said, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I have to go. My grandmother is sick and I’m catching the first plane out but wanted you to know before I left.”

This had my body go ramrod straight, gripping me with fear. Selfish fear, but still afraid.

“Baby, I’m sorry to hear that. Do you know what it is?” I asked.

“I don’t. She was incoherent and not able to speak properly. Mom says it could be a mini-stroke or something like that, but I don’t know.” She sighed. “I got to go, but I’ll call you when I get there.”

Nadine placed her hands over mine, then she let go.

“Hey, I’ll go with you.” My mouth shot off before I could give it a thought.

“What?” She shook her head. “You don’t...”

I cut her off with a quick kiss to her lips before I let her free of my hold.

“No, I’m going. Will be ready in fifteen minutes. Got to grab some shit, let Pops know, and we’ll drive to the airport.” I shared with Nadine who no longer looked weary-eyed but in shock and wonder.

“Mills, that’s unnecessary.” She forged out. “It’s my family and...”

“Okay.” I interrupted her again. “I can be there for you.”

“I’ll just spend time at the hospital. Like I won’t be able to entertain you.” She noted.

“I’ll be there with you. No need to entertain me, I’m here for you.” My eyebrow rose to challenge her. “I’m going.”

Then I squeezed her hand, let it go, and set about gathering my shit and letting Pops know. He was not surprised, said the farm would be fine without me and wished her grandma well wishes.

Three hours later, we were on the plane headed to the Baltimore/Washington International Airport. Nadine, for the most part, was silent in the beginning, but then knocked out from the motion sickness medicine, she had taken earlier. From what I gathered, her grandmother was a central and pivotal person in her life. More so than her mother, who seemed to have had some issues and wasn’t really there to raise her.

This was one of the reasons that I wanted to go with her, so she would have support. I also did not want her to get any notions of coming back to Maryland for good.