Brant
I smooth down my t shirt and rub my hand over my cleanly shaven jaw. Maybe the t-shirt was a bad idea. I had it printed with a copy of the very first painting I did of Abby. The one I gave her and then she gave back. I scrub a hand over my face and continue to fidget. I check my phone for the fifth time in a minute but there’s still nothing from Alex.
“Are you ready?” I look at the assistant who came out of nowhere.
“Um,” I check my phone again. Nothing. “Actually, could I have a glass of water? My throat is a little dry.” I shrug and smirk at the assistant. Then my phone pings. It’s Alex.
*We’re a go, daddy-o*
Yes! Finally!
“You know what, don’t bother. I’m ready. Can we get started? Now?”
I turn in my seat and tap my foot impatiently while I wait for the person who is supposed to interview me to get his notes in order. After shuffling the cards one more time than is really necessary he’s given a signal and he turns to the camera.
“Hi everyone. Thanks for signing in to watch us today. I gotta say, we’re pretty excited about this month’s featured artist. I don’t think we’ve ever received so many questions for one of our guests. Especially from the female population.” He laughs at the camera and then turns to me. “Hello Brant. Thanks for being here.”
“Thanks for having me. It’s an honor.” I smile at the camera hoping to fuck she’s actually watching.
“Now, we will be taking live questions from the comments in a bit but why don’t you start off by telling us about yourself. Your work most importantly.”
“Um.. well.. I’m Brant. I paint.” I shrug. This is not what I want to be talking about. “Sometimes people buy my paintings.”
“Yes, people do seem to love your work. Why do you think that is?”
I sigh. “Well I think people respond to honesty. I lay my heart and soul into each one of my paintings and I think people pick up on that.”
“Tell us about your process.”
“It isn’t what it used to be…” The interviewer nods at me and signals for me to elaborate. “It used to be more… impulsive, shall I say. I went wherever inspiration struck but lately I’ve been more obsessive about my theme. All my sketches and ideas are centered around this one theme and then when I can’t obsess about it anymore I finally lay it all out canvas.”
“Yes, we have noticed a recurring theme in your work. And we’ve heard some gossip about a story behind the theme. Is there any truth to it?”
“If you’re referring to my muse, then yes. It’s all true. She’s the one responsible for everything. Every high and every low. It’s all about her.”
“Sounds intense.”
I simply shrug. I can’t deny it.
“Everyone has speculated about the identity of your muse. Will you finally tell us who she is?”
I take a deep breath. ‘She’ll hate me for doing it, but she hates me now anyway so I may as well. I don’t want there to be any confusion.” I look to the camera. “Her name is Abby Shine.” I stare into the camera as if I’m trying to look through and find Abby somewhere in the void.
“And what is it about Abby, in particular?”
“I wish I knew. Maybe if I knew then I’d be able to let it go but… ever since the first moment I saw her she’s done nothing but confuse me. She’s the most ordered person I’ve ever met but there hasn’t been a single moment with her that she hasn’t been unpredictable. I’d think she’d go left but instead she’d go up.” I stop to laugh at myself. “She wouldn’t even give me the time of day at first. But there was just something about her that made me want to keep chasing her. I saw glimpses of things inside her I couldn’t help but want to explore.” I stop, trying to find the right words before I continue. “She was like the most interesting puzzle that I wanted to.. No,” I shake my head. “I needed to put it all together to see the entire picture.”
“And did you?”
I laugh again. “No, not even close. I don’t think I ever will.”
“Your student exhibition made quite an impression. Talk to us about the MUSE series.”
“It happened by accident, really. One painting that sparked an idea and then, eventually I couldn’t help it. I was... am... consumed by it. Abby is…” I let out a frustrated sigh. “Special. She was so controlled but I knew underneath it all was all this passion. And once I started scratching at the surface I couldn’t help myself. I tried. I tried to stay away from her but I couldn’t.” I sigh again. I’m not making any sense. “When she started opening up there wasn’t anything about her that I didn’t find absolutely fascinating and the more I saw the more I fell in love with her.” I shrug. “I thought the paintings told the story of her journey, of how she opened up. But, really it’s the story of how I fell for the love of my life.”
“Your paintings have taken a moodier turn as of late. Is this to do with her?”
“Yes,” why bother denying it. “Like I said, everything is always about her.”
“Where is Abby now?”
“I don’t know,” I look at the camera again. “Hopefully watching this.”
“What happened between the two of you?”
“I fucked up. I thought I was in control of the entire situation when in reality she had all the control and I was just being helplessly sucked into her. I thought I was changing her but she’s the one who changed me. I thought I could make her see how I felt about her by showing it to the entire world but instead I broke the trust she gave me. I was selfish and didn’t consider what it would mean for her. I didn’t for one second expect to hurt her the way I did. She was in my head, always, but I wasn’t paying enough attention.”
“On the off chance that Abby is watching, what would you like to say to her.”
I look down at my hands, take a deep fortifying breath and start saying the things I’ve been waiting almost a year to say.
“Baby, I’m sorry. I never... I never meant to hurt you the way I did. I only ever wanted to show you how beautiful you were to me. I was... am so in love with you. I needed everyone to see it. I wanted to shout it on the rooftops. Abby, you’re all there is to me. I have everything I’ve always wanted but it’s all meaningless without you. Please, please forgive me. I can’t breathe without you sometimes. I just... I need you to understand that I never wanted to break your trust. I only ever wanted to show you what you meant to me, how much I was consumed by you.” I stop. I don’t have anything else to say.
“So, Brant…”
“Call me Coyer, please.”
The interviewer nods. “Coyer, if you could do it all over again, would you do it differently?”
I laugh. I’ve asked myself this question over and over. Played out the scenarios and how they may have played out if I’d done it differently.
“No,” I finally say. “There was no other way. It was all set in stone from the moment I saw her. I couldn’t have changed it even if I wanted to. From the moment we met until now, Abby is everything. Always.”
The interviewer stares at me and then clears his throat. “Well, folks, there you have it. We will now move on to viewer questions. Let’s see, who is first.”
The assistant from earlier looks at her phone to read questions from the live feed comments.
“Kirsty from NY wants to know if you’re open to dating anyone else.”
“No. There’s only one girl for me.”
“Ok, Darren from Connecticut wants to know how long it takes you to finish a painting.”
“It depends. Sometimes I can finish it in a day, sometimes it takes me weeks. Just depends on what part Abby is running through my mind that day.”
“Sophie from Washington wants to know if you’ll ever paint anything besides Abby.”
I shrug. “I doubt it. Even if it’s not her in the painting she will always be part of me, and so everything will also have some part of her in it too.”
The assistant gasps and then puts her hand around her neck. She clears her throat before reading the question. “Abby from Rhode Island wants to know how good you are at begging.”
I freeze. It’s her. It’s Abby. She’s there. My body breaks out into goosebumps. And then I open my mouth to answer.