Present

It started with just one look

A simple hello

Ever since, my heart wouldn’t let you go

Your beautiful face, sweet smile, silky voice

I just couldn’t get you out of my head

I was speechless. There are words that I can’t speak

My heart started to race on that day

But how could I fall for an angel

My dark secrets hide in the ocean deep

It’s only you I want to seek and keep

Forever be mine

I never said them before

Never felt them before

Love, is that it?

I’m falling, don’t stop me

But how could I fall for an angel

My dark secrets hide in the ocean deep

It’s only you I want to seek and keep

Forever be mine

In my dreams, there is you and me

If that sweet dream turns into reality

It’ll be forever

Just you and me

But how could I fall for an angel

There are things that I always kept

My dark secrets hide in the ocean deep

It’s only you I want to seek and keep

But would you love me in the dark? I need your light. Please, don’t leave me now. Forever be mine.

“That’s the very first song I wrote for your mama, Little Bean,” I put the guitar back in the case and go back to the sink to wash and change my scrubs before taking him in my arms.

“She loved when I sang for her before bed,” I say, marching toward him. “I’ll teach you how to play as soon as you can hold a guitar. That woman lives through music. She’ll love watching us play together.”

I carefully maneuver the tubes connected to my baby and hold him close to my chest. “How are you this morning?” He wiggles his body closer to mine. “I heard they’re planning on introducing you to formula. Though, not before they check to see if you’re allergic to milk or soy, like your mom.”

Little Bean opens his eyes, staring at me. He’s starting to become more aware of his surroundings, and that’s making my heart grow.

“I’m Dad,” I say softly.

He focuses his dark blue gaze on me. The little guy probably wonders who I am, while I bet he’s missing her. I hate that I missed the pregnancy. This time it was supposed to be different. We were going to share everything from the beginning. Morning sickness, first heartbeat and—I suck in air and freeze.

Fuck, I’m such an idiot. We did share the morning sickness for a couple of days before our breakup. Sadie had been puking for three days straight.

“It’s nothing,” she said. It was everything. It was our baby. This Little Bean who needed me back then. Fuck, she needed me. “You don’t have to worry about me anymore.”

If I felt like an asshole and a failure when I left her. Today I feel even worse. How could I not know? Because I’ve never been around a woman with morning sickness.

If I know her well, which I do, I bet she talked to him every day. From the moment she woke up until she went to sleep.

“You miss her voice, don’t you, baby boy?” I kiss his forehead. “I do too. So much.”

I cradle him and sing to him softly as he falls back asleep. In the meantime, I ponder our future. So far, I haven’t thought much about it. What are we going to do when Sadie is ready to go home? Should I buy a house like we had planned? I don’t understand why she’s living at her father’s place. Raven insists that the flower shop continues to grow. There are so many things I missed.

But before I can think of the future, I have to wait. There’s a chance that she might not wake up. My entire world threatens to fall apart and yet, I have to find the strength to be everything for our son.

“Did she tell you that we’ve wanted you for a long time?”

His eyes remain closed, his breathing is deep. He’s comfortable in my arms. If I could, I’d keep him with me all the time. Every time I set him back into the crib, my arms feel cold, and he fusses. We need each other, and we’ve been forging a bond that I don’t want to lose. Ever.

Whenever Sadie and I mentioned having a family, I wanted to experience everything. I didn’t want to miss a single moment. Listening to his heartbeat, being there during the delivery, the late-night feedings. I wanted to experience it all with Sadie.

“If you’d have told me, I’d have been there for you from the beginning,” I say out loud.

Sadie doesn’t answer. She remains asleep, but I know that she can hear me. That’s what it says in every article I’ve read about patients in a coma like hers.

“Are you too tired to meet me in your dreams, Little Fairy?” I lift my gaze and watch her.

These are the moments when I wish I could see her in my dreams. During the few hours of sleep that I get at night, I haven’t seen her. We used to dream about each other, with each other. She swore that she came to me in my dreams. No matter how far or near we were from each other, we found one another.

There haven’t been any changes. The bruises on her face are healing, her condition continues to be stable. I understand that she needs to recover. But I’m desperate. This state of limbo where I wait, having zero guarantees, is infuriating.

“You know what mama would say?”

My little boy doesn’t make a sound. It’s only the machines and my voice filling the silence.

“She’d say, ‘just have faith and be patient, Kade. Things happen at the right time. You can’t rush perfection.’” I kiss his little hand. “That’s what we’re going to do. Have faith and wait.”

Sadie did everything on her own time. I need to have faith that she’ll wake up when she’s ready. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to be a father to a newborn, find us a home, and figure out how I’m going to break the news to my daughters. Would they care that Sadie was in an accident?

Hannah would, she adores Sadie. But Tess…I exhale harshly. For now, I’ll have to focus on learning how to care for a newborn. My daughters will have to deal. There’s someone as important as them now who needs me more than anyone else in this world.

“Are you up to the task of being my little helper, Little Bean? We have a lot to do. Soon I’ll introduce you to your sisters. They’re going to love you.”

I hope.

The uncertainty is weighing on me. Yet, even when my heart breaks at the sight of Sadie, it also beats with happiness because I have him. The ambivalence makes no sense. I’m ecstatic and can’t hide the joy that I feel because of him. Yet, my insides are crumbling because Sadie is in a coma, and I have no fucking idea if I’ll ever see her soul shine again.

“When you wake up, you’ll be surprised with my new parenting skills, love,” I say out loud, hoping that Sadie can hear me. “You’ll have to catch up with me. We agreed to do this as a team, remember?”

“How would you rate my services so far, Little Bean?” He remains still, looking peaceful. This little man reminds me so much of Sadie when she would fall asleep in my arms. “You know what, we should play you a video of her, so you can listen to her voice.”

Instead of maneuvering him back to the incubator and grabbing my laptop, I take out my phone and go through the videos I’ve stored from Sadie. I go back to New Year’s, but I skip it since I remember that we left the phone on while I made love to her that night. I found the one where I had to play the weekend after Thanksgiving in Madison Square Garden, and she couldn’t come with me.

“Hey, Cuddle Bunny, good morning. I’m not sure if you’ve landed yet, but I wanted to say hi and thank you for the rose you left on the pillow …” she trails her eyes around. “And breakfast.”

She blows me a kiss. “I miss you already, even when I just saw you in my dream.”

She sips some of her coffee. “I wanted to wish you good luck on your interviews and the next thirty concerts. You’re going to rock their world. Have I told you lately that I love you? No? Well, I do. I love you from here to the next universe and back. You’re the most wonderful man in the entire galaxy—and I’m happy because you’re mine. Remember that no matter how far we are from each other, we’ll be together in our dreams—every night. Have a great tour, Kay.”

Sadie looks around, her face closing in on the phone. “Let’s Facetime tonight, Mr. Hades. I’ll be naked, wet, and ready for you.”

“And you didn’t need to hear that last part.” My gaze moves toward our Little Beanie whose eyes are now open and whose legs kick around.

“Yes, that’s Mama. I knew you were going to like hearing her voice.”

I rewind the video enough to repeat the part where she says, ‘I love you,’ and play it several times for us. My heart beats fast as I remember the way she loved me. She didn’t open her heart immediately. But when she loved, she loved fiercely.

She is fierce, strong, and loving. She isn’t perfect, but she was proud of her flaws. She’s honest, unstoppable. But she knows fear, and sometimes Sadie doesn’t fight until she’s ready for battle, and strong enough to slay the beasts that threaten her mind.

That’s how I know that she’ll wake up sooner or later. What I don’t know is if we have a future.

Are we over?

“We can’t be over,” I warn her. “You can’t separate two soulmates. It’s just impossible, Hummingbird.”

“She’ll come back to us soon. And she’ll be telling you how much she loves you. I can picture her, holding you in her arms as she reads you endless stories and tells you that you’re the most handsome boy in the world.”

He opens his eyes, stares at me and I swear this kid wants to talk. There’s something important he wants to say, or maybe he wants to tell me everything he and his mother did while I was away.

Since I have the phone, I text Raven to check on her and the store. Yesterday she said she had everything under control. That Sadie had hired a couple of employees to help them during her maternity leave.

Raven: Everything is fine, but if you want to take a shift you’re more than welcome.

Kaden: That’d mean leaving the hospital. I can’t.

Raven: You should get out for a few hours. Going to the coffee shop across the street isn’t enough. Are you sleeping?

Kaden: A few hours when there’s someone around to keep them company.

Raven: Think about resting more. Once they’re out of the hospital, they are going to need you. And your children will be back soon.

Kaden: I’ll be ready.

Raven: Before I forget, Sadie’s Mom called. She left a voicemail. I won’t call her back, but if she drops by, I’m going to have to tell her. Are you prepared to deal with her?

Kaden: She’s not on the list.

Raven: Wake up and smell the roses, Kaden. You’re not family. If either one of her parents wants to, they can kick you out her room.

Kaden: They don’t give a fuck about her. Only I do.

Raven: You’ve been gone for too long. Sadie has been living in Andrew’s pool house since she moved out of your place. It won’t be long before he notices that his daughter isn’t home, don’t you think?

I huff because if that’s the case, he should have noticed days ago. He’s proving me right. The fucker doesn’t care enough about her.

Andrew Bell might learn about Sadie in a couple of months. He’ll send her some expensive present and give her the news that he has a new woman in his life.

Kaden: I’ll deal with them if they ever show up.

Sadie and her father have a strange relationship. He loves her, but he doesn’t know what to do with her. She’s not a car he can store in his big garage, a property, or an expensive piece of art. Andrew Bell can only hold a relationship for so long, and Sadie is a permanent fixture in his life. A living, thinking, talking human who has her own ideas and doesn’t like to follow his.

And he hates me. I am everything he despises—a fucking uneducated musician, and a high school dropout. The one good thing he has going for him in his life is his daughter. I tried my best to be cordial with him, but there were times when I couldn’t keep my shit together. He can try to kick me out, but he’s too busy to follow through with his threats. Andrew likes to create chaos between Sadie and me. But since the beginning, he’s only managed to bring us closer together.