Catherine
I sat in the window sill of Eli’s room staring down at the yard beneath. Tears stained my cheeks as I remembered what had taken place. Every little word spoken and every little action taken since the moment I left this very room this morning.
Had I stayed, things might have been different.
I knew I was lying to myself, because the only difference would have been it taking place on a different day. I couldn’t have stopped it, but I could have been honest with those around me, those friends I’d made. I could have been honest with Eli.
“Why wouldn’t you tell me this shit was going on?” I spun around to see Elijah standing in his open doorway, like he was worried about entering. “Not just that, but when I fucking asked you what was going on you lied. You said nothing.”
I was stunned with how angry he seemed. No, I take that back; I knew he was angry. I was surprised he was so very angry at me.
“I couldn’t say anything.”
“You could, you just chose not to.” I could sense how he was fighting to control himself.
He spun around, gripping the back of his neck, and I gave him a moment. I could sense he needed it to regroup. When he spun around again he looked less irritated than a few minutes before. He looked torn and confused, almost like he wasn’t sure what to do next.
“Did he touch you?” I knew he meant more than just the violence he had witnessed and my throat felt tight as I imagined the things that must have been running through his mind.
“No,” I said quickly. “It was never like that.”
“Ever?”
“No. He was angry often but it never became more than words. Not with him, but there was one time before when—”
He didn’t let me finish before taking a step further into the room. “What time before?”
I thought of talking my way out of this, making it out to be nothing. But then I thought of the fact that me hiding things from those who cared was what got me into this predicament in the first place. “The mark on my cheek.”
“You mean the one you said was from a door?”
I nodded.
His anger only seemed to grow.
Taking a step forward, I reached out for him and he quickly moved back out of my reach. I’d felt heartache before, that crippling moment when you feel as if everything was falling apart. Like each breath you took in burned. But watching a man who had been so physical with me pull away to keep me from touching him was devastating. I felt like my heart was literally split in half inside my chest.
One deep breath after another, he looked toward the floor, placing his hands on his sides. I watched as his shoulders tensed, his chest rising and falling with each breath.
I was just about to give it another attempt when he turned and left the room, leaving me standing there without a word. I stared at the open space thinking he would reappear, only he didn’t, and with each passing moment I could feel myself fall apart even more.
I slowly moved toward his bed and crawled atop the comforter, grabbing his pillow and pulling it in close to my nose, breathing him in. The wetness of my tears soaking into the fabric of his pillowcase felt cool against my cheek.
I must’ve fallen asleep because when I woke next it was completely dark outside. Immediately I looked over at the space next to me only to find it remained empty. Rolling over, I quietly scanned the room and saw it was empty as well.
I gathered myself the best I could and moved from the room toward the stairwell. I could hear voices downstairs but none of them were the voice I wanted to hear. “How you feeling?” I hung my head and don’t even need to turn around to see Clayton standing behind me, I already know it’s him. And though I appreciated his concern, it wasn’t coming from the one person I needed most.
“Do you know where he went?”
“He left a couple hours ago.”
This time I did turn around. “Left?”
The normal silly, don’t give a shit cutup guy I’d come to know as Clayton was no longer the same. He looked concerned, maybe even saddened by the events. “Yeah.” He offered a kind smile but I knew it was forced. “I think he just needed some time alone.”
Or time away from me.
I hung my head as my tears fell without being able to stop them. I felt Clayton wrap his arms around me and I did nothing to reject his comfort. I needed anything I could get to keep me from falling completely apart.
“This is hard for him.” I tried to understand, only him leaving solved nothing.
“Can I borrow your phone?”
“I’ve tried calling him already, Cat, he won’t answer.”
“I don’t want to call him,” I confessed. “I want to call Marcus.”
I pulled back from his embrace and looked up at him. “I don’t have anything with me, no phone, no car, he’s the only person I have.”
“You’re wrong,” Clayton cupped my jaw in his hand, “you have everyone in this house on your side, Cat. Even him, he just doesn’t know what to do with the things he’s feeling right now.”
I wanted to believe him; I just wasn’t sure my heart was capable of anything right then.
“I’ll take you.” I didn’t argue when he led me toward the stairs. When I was safely tucked into his car and we were on our way to Marcus’ apartment, I stared out the window to my side. I didn’t have anything to say. I appreciated everything Clayton was doing for me, yet again I was heartbroken over Eli and his absence.
***
I’d been in the shower so long the water had begun to cool. The hot water, so hot at first it felt as if it scalded me was now so cold I shivered. Yet I remained there, beneath the falling stream.
I’m not sure what I was trying to accomplish. At that point I think I just wanted to feel the ache it was beginning to cause. My teeth chattered and the muscles in my back and shoulders were tense from shivering.
A loud knock made me jump in reaction and I reached out to brace myself on the shower wall. “Catherine, are you okay?”
I turned the handle and shut off the water quickly. “I’m good.”
“That water has to be freezing,” Morgan added but I didn’t reply. “I put some clothes on the sink for you.”
“I see them,” I said as I toweled off, my teeth still chattering from the cold. “Thanks,” I added, not wanting to appear unappreciative of all the things both she and Marcus had done for me.
When I had arrived there Marcus was gone.
It was Morgan who welcomed me inside after thanking Clayton for bringing me. It was also Morgan who offered me a glass of wine, a change of clothes, and a shower. All that after she held my head on her shoulder while I cried it all out for a good ten minutes after she told Clayton goodbye.
I just felt so empty and lost inside my own head that I wasn’t sure what to do with all the things I was feeling.
When I exited the bathroom I found both Morgan and Marcus waiting in the kitchen, Chinese takeout waiting. “Hey there, Buttercup.” Hearing him say my nickname triggered yet another round of emotions, only I was able to hold them back.
“Smells great,” I said though I’m sure both of them could tell I was lying. At that point I didn’t think anything would appeal to me.
We ate while Marcus attempted to entertain us with stories of the most ditzy woman in the world. He worked with Sasha, the daughter of his boss. Apparently if you told her putting food coloring in her bottled water would help her complexion she’d rush to the store to stock up on both.
It felt good to smile and laugh, even though in the back of my mind that emptiness still lingered. And the pain in my chest still remained as I continued to picture the look on Eli’s face the moment before he left me standing alone in his room.
I fell asleep that night feeling more alone than I had since before I met Elijah.