The front doors were locked so I went around to the alley, trying the door in the back. The handle twisted in my hand. The knob rattled, telling me the lock inside had been broken. I smirked. Hunter could break into a building. Why was I not surprised? I slunk down the unlit passage, nerves heating my body.

The sound of a treadmill rolled into my ears the closer I got. He broke in to run? How demented is that? I opened the door and slipped in without him hearing me. Hunter wore basketball-style shorts, a T-shirt, and sneakers. Beads of sweat formed along his forehead. He grunted in pain, pressing the arrow button up another level. His muscular back rippled through the thin T-shirt. The ass Stevie loved to ogle flexed as he pushed his legs harder. Everything about him sent thunder into my lungs.

“You are a coward.”

“Shit.” Hunter jumped, twisting around to see me. “You scared me.”

“Good.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

His lids narrowed. “What the hell happened to your face?”

“I stood up for myself.”

“Who. Hit. You?” Each word was a demand.

“Does it matter? We aren’t friends anyway, right?”

He sucked in a deep breath and twisted his head back around, stabbing at the buttons. His legs moved to match the treadmill’s pace.

“Like I said, you’re a coward, Hunter Harris.”

“I’m a what?” He slammed the stop button.

“A coward.” I marched up to the treadmill. “You accuse me of not having the guts to be seen with you, when it’s you who has the problem.”

He grabbed onto the rails, whipping his head to me. “I’m the one with the problem?”

“Yes.” I bobbed my head.

He gave a derisive laugh. “You think I don’t want to be seen with you?”

“I think you imagine yourself all sacrificing and doing the right thing for me, when in reality you are taking the easy way out for yourself. You don’t stand up. You hide.”

He twisted fully to face me, peering down. His large frame dwarfed mine, but I didn’t let it bother me. Or at least I tried to appear he didn’t intimidate me.

“It’s what you do. Disappear into the background because it’s easier than standing up.”

His eyes flickered anger. “You know nothing about me,” he seethed.

“Because you won’t let me. You don’t let anyone. I realized I only know rumors about you, little things Colton said, what kids at school say. What’s true? What’s false? I have no idea.” I threw up my arms. “I appreciate not wanting to talk to just anybody, but me?” I pointed to myself. “If anyone could appreciate what you’re going through, it would be me.”

“Not even you would understand.”

“Why?” I slammed my hand on the handrail. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Hunter growled something under his breath and faced forward again.

“I am doing you a favor, Jaymerson.” He hit the start button, and the treadmill jolted forward again.

My fist curled in a ball and dropped to my side. He punched at the up arrow, his limp growing more apparent the faster it went.

“Fine.” I nodded more in defeat than in anger. It might have been selfish, but the loss of our insignificant friendship made me even more volatile and unbalanced and alone. I stepped away, fixed on the exit.

I heard Hunter’s hand slam down on the panel, the machine speeding up. He growled and hit it over and over. I glanced over my shoulder. He leaned forward, his features strained as he struggled to keep up with the speed.

I should have kept walking, let him harm himself. But with Hunter, I acted first, thought later. Years of my father’s wisdom about conditioning and muscle therapy had absorbed into me. All I could see was the damage he was doing to his leg. Pushing it so hard it would never recover.

“Hunter. Stop,” I called out, but he upped the motion of the machine. “Hey.” I trotted back over to him, reaching for his arm. He brushed me off, pushing his legs faster. His face contorted and he grunted in pain. “Hunter! You’re only hurting yourself.”

He ignored me, a strangled cry vibrating deep in his chest. His legs suddenly collapsed underneath him, and he crashed down on the machine. The treadmill flung him off and back against the wall with a loud bang.

“Hunter!” I dashed over, crouching on the floor next to him.

“I’m fine.” He pushed himself to sit as I persisted in helping him. “I’m fine!” He batted my hands away and collapsed against the wall, his injured legs stretched in front of him. He tilted his head against the wall, staring at the ceiling, breathing laboriously.

“What the hell were you thinking? You could have hurt yourself.”

“Yes, Mom.” A smirk hooked up the side of his mouth, but sadness reflected in his eyes. His shoulders lowered, and I sensed his barriers lowering. I slid next to him, my legs barely reaching his calves when I extended them out.

The parking lot lights streamed into the dark room, generating murky shadows around us. The treadmill continued to roll, creating a soft rhythmic grinding sound, like shaking maracas.

We stayed silent.

As intense as Hunter could be, being here with him was the most real and centered I felt all week. I didn’t have to fake being happy or being all right around him. For one moment I was simply me.

“I keep thinking I’m going to wake up.” His voice was low. He rubbed the sweat from his face, brushing his hair back. “This is all some nightmare, and my brother is actually alive.”

I lay my head back with a sigh. “Yeah, me too.”

“But you know what really gets me? Most of the time I’m so fucking furious at him. I hate him for leaving me alone. For driving drunk. For looking at his phone. Then I get mad at myself for blaming him when he was the one who died. I was the one who let him die.”

I kept my mouth closed, hoping this rare moment with him opening up would continue.

“Selfish bastard.” Hunter slammed his head back against the wall. “Everyone is right. If one of us should have died, it should have been me.”

My head jerked toward him.

“You said it yourself,” he jeered. “Everyone, according to Adam, feels this way. Fuck, even my parents think it. Colton was the golden boy, the football star, great student, loved by everyone, on track for an Ivy League school. Model son. All they see when they look at me is the screw-up and said it’s too bad I wasn’t more like my brother. Even as a baby, he was always the one they favored. The one who was the perfect charmer and would follow in dear ol’ Dad’s footsteps. I never wanted that life, seeing my parents and their shallow, fake existence. I hated it. I hated them. I could never pretend. Colton was great at making them happy.

I gave up trying after a while. Decided I’d rather piss them off instead. Something I was good at.” A pained smile wobbled on his mouth.

I opened my mouth.

“Don’t.” He shook his head, anger steaming under the surface. “No matter how stupid people think I am, I can see and hear. I know what they say about me.”

“You are not stupid.”

 

“When did that change?” he scoffed. “I think I recollect you saying something to Colton one time about me being an idiot. Scary, mean, and a loser also came up numerous times.”

I cringed and glanced down at my hands. I had said those things. “When I recall the times before the crash, it’s like watching a movie…of another girl…someone who was happily one dimensional. I am no longer the same girl.”

“Do you wish you still were? The girl you were before?”

I exhaled slowly, finding my words. “No.” I shook my head. “It’s like before I was living with blinders on. I didn’t even think about the possibility of seeing more, but now that I have, even if it’s painful and cruel, I don’t want to go back.”

Hunter nodded in understanding.

“And I’m sorry for calling you those things. None of them are true.”

“Aw, I kinda liked being scary.” He dropped his head over to look at me, grinning.

I smiled, turning my face to his.

His gaze found mine and a zap of electricity fired through my system. He quickly looked away.

“Little secret. I’m not a druggie, never done any of the hard stuff.” The rumors he was a user and seller were rampant in our school. He never once tried to change this notion of him. “And I’ve only smoked pot once and hated it. Not my thing.”

“Then why do you let people think that?”

He angled his face to me. Like magnets, our eyes went directly to each other’s. Shame pitted heavy in my stomach as my eyes drifted down to his lips. I wanted them on mine. Colton’s ghost was there, but it didn’t scare me away from Hunter like it should have.

“Because I don’t care what anyone thinks of me.” His gaze dove deep into mine, holding me hostage.

“Then why tell me?”

“With you I suddenly seem to care.” His stare grew more intense, his eyebrows lifting slightly. He raised his hand and grazed my cheek with his knuckles. I flinched. “Who did this?” he whispered. His fingers dropped to my split lip, skating over it gently.

I felt my lungs lock down. My heart thumping in my ears. “Savannah.” The answer barely came up my throat. “I quit the squad tonight.” Jayme, get up. Go! My back stayed plastered to the wall.

“Really?” Hunter’s eyebrows curved up.

I nodded. “No one, including myself, wanted me there. It was time to stop forcing something no longer making me happy. I need to start letting go of my past.”

The space between his eyes wrinkled.

“What?”

“Nothing.” He shook his head, looking down. “How’s your hand?” He reached over and picked up my fingers, rubbing his thumb over my bruised knuckles.

“O-kay.” My voice cracked, his touch stealing oxygen from me.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered, his eyes coming back to mine. “I should have backed you up.”

Soft light from the window shadowed the side of his face to his mouth, reflecting in his blue eyes. Something I had never seen in them before caught me. Want. Heat flushed over me, tingling my skin. The yearning to lean in, to taste his lips, devoured me, stealing my reflex to breathe.

“What do you want from me, Jaymerson?”

“I don—”

“No.” He cut me off, leaning in. He licked at his bottom lip. “What do you want? Why did you come here?”

I was entranced by his mouth. “Because I’m an idiot.” He seemed to be getting closer, and my voice went husky. “Because I can’t seem to stay away from you.”

There was a pause, then his mouth crashed down on mine. It was like lightning zapped through me, sizzling the blood in my veins. The sensation of his lips hungrily moving against mine sent desire through me in a fevered swirl. Yet it was mixed with grief, hate, blame, guilt, and anger. We weren’t so much kissing as consuming each other. Trying to forget our bottomless pain.

His hands slipped under my jaw to the back of my head, his fingers gripping roughly into my hair, loosening my ponytail. My hair fell down my shoulders, and he tugged me closer with a primal desperation. My lips parted, opening my mouth to him. A low rumble vibrated his chest.

The furnace in my blood flamed my desire to feel more of this, of him. It consumed me with a wild, ruthless sensation. For once I didn’t analyze the consequences. I simply acted. I pushed forward onto my knees and crawled onto his lap, straddling him. My nails raked through his hair, needing to pull him even closer to me. He nipped at my bottom lip, tugging it. The tickle of his scruff rubbed along my jaw.

He opened my mouth wider, his tongue curling in with a tantalizing flick. One hand stayed in my hair, pressing me closer into him, the other skated over my shoulders, pushing my jacket off my shoulders. I wrenched it off, my mouth never leaving his.

Once my hands were free, they went to his cheeks and into his hair, anything to bring him nearer. It was like a simmering fire turned on full blast. Every nerve was highly aware of his hands roving over my skin.

Before tonight I had kissed four boys counting Colton. None of them made me feel like this. I had enjoyed making out with them. A lot. A few times it had almost led to more, but I easily stopped it. Fear always won out.

Tonight I had no such emotion. Hunter was like nothing I had experienced. The desperation and desire for him was like a monster I couldn’t control—something that took hold of me and burned out any thoughts or apprehension. I wanted him. I let myself be consumed by the need.

His rough palms moved under my tank top, skating over my sides. Tingles erupted over my skin, and I moaned softly. He was hard against me and it felt amazing. I wanted more. I ground into him, and he sucked in a harsh breath.

His hands gripped my hips, and he flipped me over on my back, quickly crawling between my legs. His warm mouth found mine with a force. I wrapped my legs around him, wanting him close. Inside.

My hands yanked at his running shorts, pushing them down. I slipped my fingers under his boxer briefs, drawing him nearer to me. He growled my name and ripped my tank top over my head. With every touch of his hands or lips, my skin became more sensitive, yearning to remove all barriers between us.

“Hunter,” I whispered in his ear, conveying to him what I desired. I didn’t want to think or be responsible or feel guilty. Being good and afraid ruled the girl before. Now I wanted to feel, to be alive, live the life I almost lost. Drown myself in euphoria, where no pain existed.

He braced himself on one arm as he tugged at the string of my workout shorts, his mouth never leaving mine. His knuckles brushing so low, my body reacted. I nipped down on his lip, which only enticed his fervor. He yanked harshly at my shorts, inching them over my hips.

Yes. Now.

The sound of the door squeaked open. A light suddenly flickered into my eyes, and I flinched, looking away.

“Shit.” Hunter jerked back. I turned to see a security guard walking into the room, peering around the room with his flashlights.

Hunter yanked up his shorts as he scrambled to his feet, snatching my top, which lay near him. He grabbed my hand and pulled me up, shoving my tank top into my arms. It was too late to hide; the man shined his light on us.

“Don’t move.”

 

 

“Jaymerson Holloway?” My name rang briskly through the holding cell. A woman cop motioned me forward.

Upon hearing my name, I jumped to my feet. Part of me thought staying here would have been safer. My parents were cool…to a point. Explaining this to them? Not so much.

“The charges have been dropped. Your father’s here to take you home.”

There were snickers from some of the “working women” in the corner. I thought when the women saw me, in my little purple cheerleading shorts and tank, they’d descend on me like sharks, but most of them fiddled with their nails or tried to sleep. Two homeless women curled up in the corner reeking of body odor, piss, and alcohol. Fear had kept me primed on the edge of the bench, trying not to touch anyone or make eye contact.

At eighteen, they said Hunter would be processed as adult, and I didn’t see him once they took our fingerprints, not that he would have given me comfort. He didn’t speak the whole ride over, keeping his focus out the window, or while they stained my fingers with ink. If anything, he seemed to get more and more angry and irritable. His muscles along his shoulders rippled under his shirt every time I moved too close or bumped against him when we got our digits doused in ink.

The cop unlocked the door and slid it open. I slipped out, following her down the hallway. I spotted Hunter as soon as we entered the main area. He sat across from a balding police officer, shaking his head, his dark hair falling down into his eyes. As if he could sense my gaze on him, he lifted his head and looked over.

Our eyes caught. He held my gaze for a moment, then frowned. Anger flashed in his eyes, and then he turned away from me.

I clenched my teeth as I walked past him and tried not to look at him. The cop led me to the waiting area, where my dad leaped up the moment he saw me.

“She’s all yours.” The cop nodded and returned to the main station.

My dad opened his mouth, his arms slightly lifting, like he didn’t know if he wanted to hug me or scream at me. “Oh my god, are you all right?” He clutched my chin, taking in my shiner. His eyes widened as he took in more of my cuts and scrapes. “Did he do this?”

“No! Of course not!” I stepped from his grip.

“Is this from your fight with Savannah?” My eyes widened. Wow, Coach didn’t waste any time. Dad clenched his teeth, scanning me. In his silence I could detect the lecture building. Then he opened his mouth.

“What the hell happened, Jaymerson? Do you know how sick with worry your mom and I were? What we were going through? Do you have any idea how it felt when I got home and you still weren’t there? To hear from Nancy that you left school hours ago. We thought something happened to you.” He shook his head, bellowing at me. “After almost losing you once, do you know what was going through our minds?” He tapped angrily at his head. “Then to get a call from the police to come get our daughter, that you were caught with a boy, not only breaking and entering, but for indecency.”

Indecency? I still had on my sports bra and shorts. True, it wouldn’t have been long till those things were off, which was why I decided to kept my mouth shut. My dad wasn’t stupid, and it would be worse if I tried to make those kinds of points.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Are you?” He folded his arms.

“Yes. I’m sorry for worrying you.”

His two fingers rubbed at his chin. Uh-oh. He was upset.

“Nancy told us you quit the squad tonight.”

“Yes.”

“Is it because of him?” Dad held his hand toward the inside of the police station. “Why you are no longer finding interest in things you used to love? Is he the reason you quit?”

“Are you serious?” I sputtered. “Quitting was my decision. It had nothing to do with Hunter. I no longer enjoyed it. Why can’t it be okay? Why can’t I change without feeling like I am letting everyone down?”

“Is it that, though?” Dad’s frustration with me echoed in his eyes. “Because it seems since he has become more of a part in your life, the more the things you used to enjoy are falling away.”

Dad only saw my change as being connected with Hunter. Not the accident, not losing Colton, or me growing up. He was scared of Hunter. In this small town you couldn’t help but know about everyone, especially the Harris twins. One good. One bad.

“I know you’ve been going through a lot, more than most teenagers should, and it is probably natural to want to bond with someone else who has gone through the same thing. But Hunter?” He looked up, trying to choose his words carefully. “You know what your therapist said about confusing intense emotional situations for true feelings. For you it’s even more so. You tragically lost someone you genuinely cared about, and you share this loss with his twin brother. No one can blame you for getting a little confused.”

“Confused?”

“Honey, both your mother and I think you shouldn’t see him anymore.”

“Not see him? He goes to my school. We have physical therapy together.”

“At school, I can simply ask you keep your distance. But starting next week, we are moving your therapy to a different time.”

“What?”

“It’s for the best. You need a little space and time to get over what happened, to heal, inside and out, and move on. It is almost impossible to do when every day you spend time with him.” Dad motioned to the door where I came out. “Who looks exactly like the boy you recently lost.”

I looked away, feeling both anger and guilt roll up my shoulders like a sleeping bag.

“I know you don’t want to listen to me. Hunter is trouble. Dangerous. And will lead you down a bad path.” His eyes flicked around the police waiting room. “You are my little girl, and I don’t want to see you get hurt. You’ve already suffered enough.” He pulled me into a hug. “I love you, and I want to keep you safe. Forever. Is this too much to ask?”

“I’m not a little girl anymore.”

“You and your sister will always be my little girls, and I will always want to protect you.” He kissed the top of my head. “Now, let’s go home. Think there’s some chocolate ice cream in the freezer.”

“Yeah, like Mom will let me have ice cream.”

He put his arm around me, steering me through the door into the cool night. “Let me handle her.”

“Really?” I looked at him in shock.

“Nooo…I’m throwing you to the wolves, grabbing the ice cream and running.”

“What I figured.”

As Dad pulled the car out of the lot, I watched the front of the station. I couldn’t see him, but I knew he was in there. Alone. I doubted he called his parents; legally he didn’t have to. But I wondered if they would have even come if he did.

Dad might think the topic of Hunter was finished, but I couldn’t walk away so easily.

I’d always listened to my parents and did what they asked. I was their good girl. Not because they demanded it of me; it was what I did. Honor roll, check. Cheerleader, check. Did chores unasked, check. Did my homework, watched my sister, never got in trouble: check, check, check. I didn’t even think about rebelling. I never needed to.

Take this all away and who was I? What did I really want? Now I was staring down an endless road of questions with no clear answers.