My eyes popped open as I gasped awake with a wail. The blockade usually keeping my memories at bay crashed into me, drowning me.
Laughing. Kissing. Colton’s smile. Hunter. Lights. Screams. Bones crunching. Darkness.
“Jaymerson?” a voice spoke from the door. A figure stood silhouetted in the doorway.
My throat tightened, memories of the night…the accident...
“Hey, honey, it’s okay. I’m here.” I turned to see my mother running up to me, setting a cup of coffee on the side table.
I tried to sit up, but my body wouldn’t obey. “Mom,” my voice cracked. “Colton?”
A film of tears covered her pupils, lines sank around her eyes.
“Where is he?” I could only speak in a harsh whisper. “Is he okay?”
Mom’s mouth pinched together. She took my hand. “I am sorry, sweetie.”
An avalanche of dread slid down my throat, lumping in my intestines.
“The accident was bad…he didn’t…”
“No.” I cut her off before she could say more. If she didn’t say it, then it wasn’t true. “No.” I shook my head violently, the tubes in my nose hissing at the jerky movements. The heart monitor next to me spiked in my ears and sounded like thudding drums, as if it was a soundtrack warning me of doom ahead.
“Hunter is…”
“Shut up. You’re lying to me.” The voice I used sounded foreign and strangled, a wild animal wounded and chained up. The tubes connected to me felt like ropes or snakes, alive and strangling. They kept me pinned in place, forcing me to listen and understand everything happening. A wild cry broke from my chest as I yanked at the needles in my arms.
“Jaymerson, stop!” Mom tried grabbing for my hands, but I pulled them out before she could stop me.
Beeeeeeeeeep.
The shrill sound echoed off the walls, bouncing back in my face. Reminding me this wasn’t a nightmare.
No. No. No. This can’t be real.
An image of Colton filled my head. Us sitting on his tailgate, legs swinging. The lake. Music in the distance. The look in his eyes as he turned to me.
The boy I fell in love with that night.
Gone.
I started to scream.
Three nurses ran into the room; their words blended into more noise that strained my nerves. Their hands stopped me from pulling out more of the intrusive needles and repressing binds. The one thing I understood was I needed to flee the truth heading my way, to outrun it and hide.
My hands obeyed the need to escape, but my legs wouldn’t move. I bit my lower lip with a grunt, all my focus on my legs, shrieking for them to move. Another wave of sickening dread gripped me, and sweat trickled down the back of my neck. Why weren’t my legs moving? It took me a moment to realize I was adding to the noise as my wild grunts and wails vibrated and volleyed in the space.
“Calm down, Jaymerson.” A nurse I recognized from when I first woke up, Shelly, pressed down on my shoulder, pushing me back into my pillow.
“Why can’t I move?” I screeched.
No one answered.
My mom cried out, her hand over her mouth as she watched me. Two nurses held me against the pillow as another grabbed a syringe, stabbing it into my arm. Only a few beats later, the fight in my body gave out, and I sank down, my head drooping to the side.
“She should be calm for a bit.” Shelly put a hand on my mother’s shoulder. “Jaymerson is strong, Amy. She’ll get through this.”
A choked cry came from under my mother’s hand, her lids closed, and she nodded. The nurse squeezed her shoulder and left the room, the other two following behind.
“Amy?” A man came jogging into the room. “What happened? Is Jayme okay?”
My heart called out for my father, but no words made it to my mouth.
Mom turned into my father’s chest, sobs wracking her body. He wordlessly wrapped his arms around her and held her.
The love between them, the implicit bond, emanated off the pair, choking me. He kissed her head and glanced over at me.
I remembered when I’d felt it with Colton. A connection so deep I knew I could finally let my heart go, and it would be safe. It didn’t last, but even getting a taste of it made me jump in every day hoping we could get it back.
My lids slid shut, and I sank into a sea of pain…slipping deep into the darkness, before opening up on a memory, like a movie theater.
“The lake?” Colton glanced at me from the driver’s seat. The glow from the dashboard displayed only half of his face. The moonless night darkened the road in deep shadows.
“Yeah.” I nodded firmly. We had known each other nine months and dated seven of those. We didn’t talk about the two when we broke up. Tonight was our anniversary from when we first started dating.
It was the first time he asked me what I wanted to do, and I snatched up the opportunity eagerly. We usually did fancy dinners, which only made me stiff and awkward the whole night. I hated going to those places but never told him. He always looked so pleased with himself. He thought he was being the perfect boyfriend and doing the thing all the other girls seemed to desire. I didn’t want to take that away from him.
Tonight I didn’t want to sit through another dinner that was supposed to be romantic but only seemed to produce the exact opposite emotions from me.
“Let’s grab a pizza and go to the lake.” The night was warm and the stars sparkled in the dark sky.
Colton shook his head, his brow slightly furrowing. “You don’t like the fancy dinners?” Damn. Caught. I looked down at my lap. I could sense him waiting for my response.
“No,” I replied quietly. “Not especially.”
He went mute, which was unlike Colton.
“No, I mean, they’re great…” I ran my hands down my blue dress, smoothing it out.
Deep laughter burst from him, cutting off my words. “I’ll let you in on a little secret. I hate fancy dinners too.” He gave me a conspiratorial wink.
“Really?” A huge smile spread over my face, laughter dashing up my throat. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you look so happy when you took me to them?” We could have avoided six of them if we had been honest with each other.
Colton shrugged, his expression turning serious, his attention on the road in front of us. He tugged at the cuffs of his button-down checkered dress shirt. He’d worn it on our last anniversary dinner, which made me smile. Even though it was far too hot and humid for the slacks and a long-sleeved shirt, he had put on his “anniversary” uniform.
“I guess I thought it’s what your type would want.”
“My type?” I frowned. “You mean a girl?”
He snorted, not giving me much more of a response.
“You’re being weird tonight. You okay?” I reached out rubbing his arm. “You’re quiet.”
An emotion flashed over his features too fast for me to catch. “Thinking about football camp starting tomorrow. Sorry.”
Football. Of course. It ruled his life…the town’s. Here there was never a down season. State champions never took a break. Now that Colton was captain, it would be even more so, even more pressure on him from his father, from his coach, from this town, to be the best.
We grabbed a pizza from our favorite hangout and drove to the lake. Colton’s focus on football didn’t bother me. It was relaxing. Comfortable. Strangely in our silence, I felt a deeper bond growing. Maybe we had finally hit the level where we didn’t have to fill all the silences.
Summer vacation had just started and the lake was filled with cars and people. Most were kids from our school, barbequing and standing around campfires together. At night most drove their cars right to the pits.
“Over there.” I pointed to an empty area across the lake. He steered the SUV over the gravel parking lot onto the grass and parked.
I climbed out and grabbed the pizza box. Music from the other side of the lake drifted over to us, their campfires giving off enough light for us to see each other.
Colton grabbed the box from me, opened the back of the SUV, lowering the tailgate, and motioned me to sit.
“Wow, you’re going to allow me to eat in your car?” I teased, hopping on the back. Football and his car were the only things he seemed to take seriously.
“Don’t tell anyone,” he teased and leaped up next to me, setting the box between us.
“Okay, I won’t tattle on you.” I grinned. “To you.”
“Thanks.” He breathed out in relief and smirked. “I can be a neurotic ass about this car.” He patted the side. I laughed. It was good to hear him joke about his irrational obsession over his car.
We dived into the delicious cheesy pie. My feet wiggled back and forth contentedly. The air was filled with warmth, music, and stars. To me this was the perfect anniversary dinner.
I often teased Colton about having ants in his pants, a saying I got from my Grandma Penny, but tonight he seemed comfortable. It was nice to see him so relaxed. I liked it. A lot. It was as if he finally let himself land, let his guard down, and allowed himself to simply be with me.
I smiled and sighed.
“You look happy,” Colton said.
I turned to him. “I am.”
“Am I the reason?” His eyes crawled over my face, giving me goosebumps. The good kind.
“A little.” I held my fingers a breath apart.
“Only that much? Ouch.” His eyes reflected his amusement.
“Okay, this much.” I widened the gap a hair.
He bobbed his head and snickered, taking another bite of pizza. He chewed and swallowed. “What else makes you happy, Jaymerson Holloway?”
I paused mid-bite, turned to him, and stared at his profile: the dimple, dark hair, clean-shaven face, and mouth I’d come to know well. Colton Harris could still surprise me.
“What? You’re looking at me funny.” He shifted to peer at me.
“Sorry, wasn’t ready for your question.” I shook my head. “What makes me happy…?” I gazed into the darkness, my mind going blank.
I could sense Colton’s intense gaze. Nothing came to my mind. “Um…wow…that’s sad, isn’t it?”
“Cheerleading? School?” he prompted.
“Yeah, of course, cheerleading. I can’t say school makes me happy, but I like getting good grades. Makes my parents happy. I guess friends, family…a great boyfriend.” I smiled at him. “The usual. I’m a simple girl.”
His blue eyes lasered in on me. “I think you’re wrong there. You are anything but simple, and I don’t think any of those things actually makes you happy. You say it because it’s what you’re supposed to say.”
I jerked back. It was as if someone peeled away my façade and saw deep into my soul where I hadn’t even acknowledged all the hidden layers. Shock lodged in my throat along with the dense humid air. It was the first time I realized Colton saw more than he let on. He was silly and fun, but he also had a deep, perceptive side. I wasn’t prepared to be so easily read. I stirred uncomfortably. A hiccup of tension dropped between us.
Colton’s signature goofy smile bobbled on his mouth. “Except for the boyfriend. I know I’m great.”
I smirked. “Yes. People like to tell me that daily.”
He laughed.
“You know what I’ve always wanted to do?” I swung my legs quicker, feeling a nervous buzz in my stomach. Colton and I had never discussed anything past graduation. Telling him my dreams was scary. What if he laughed or it was something he never wanted to experience with me?
“What?” Colton’s voice nudged me to keep talking.
“I’ve always wanted to travel the world. Go into every art museum I can find.”
“You like art?” He lifted his brows in surprise.
“I love art, but not doing it. I’m not creative at all. I would like to do something more like restore or discover it.”
“Why don’t you?”
“You know my parents. It’s not something they see I can do for a living. Dad really wants me to go into medical sciences. I love science, but I don’t know…”
“Not your dream.”
I tipped my head, peering at Colton. He was surprising me, looping a tighter hold on my heart.
“Yeah.” I smiled.
He nodded looking back out at the bonfire across the lake. “I want to travel the world too. Get out of this town and never look back.”
“Really?” It was my turn to be shocked. He always seemed content here. Happy in this small-town life. It was sad it took us this long to really get to know each other.
In just a night there was a shift in our relationship, a deepening, the realization I had not given Colton enough credit. I expected him to be happy and carefree, not thinking past football, food, and sex. But I had been wrong. Here I was blaming him for being superficial, and I had been the same.
My eyes riveted on the flickering fire across the way. My legs swung back and forth again. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
I turned to look at him. “For tonight, for seven months of dating, and for you being you. This guy.” I motioned to him.
“You like this guy?” He tilted his head, peering at me.
“Tonight especially. The more I get to know, the more I like.” My stomach clenched over the last word. I knew “like” wasn’t the word that started to come, but I wasn’t ready to say the other.
Our eyes locked. His hand came up to my mouth, stroking his thumb across my bottom lip. “Sauce.” His voice went deep and gravely, his focus on my bottom lip.
A rush of concentrated emotion rocked through my body, like a flood crashing down my walls. I knew what I wanted to happen tonight. Sex was something I always stopped. Fear kept me from crossing the line. Except tonight the switch, which hadn’t seemed to want to budge, suddenly did. It gave me the confidence I never had. I put his thumb in my mouth, sucking and licking off the sauce. He inhaled, his shoulders going rigid.
My teeth skated over his thumb gently, sucking on it harder. I looked up through my lashes. He watched me watch him. Then his hand roughly slid to the back of my neck, pulling me to him. The moment his lips found mine, desire ignited, intense heat spread over me. His fingers tipped my head back, his tongue opening my mouth for his.
A grunt came from his chest as I groaned, matching his intensity. Desire took over my body and held complete control. All the times I said no in the past seemed impossible now. I wanted this.
Colton must have sensed my change of heart in my kisses. He chucked the pizza box between us out on the grass, pulling me into him. My fingers trailed up his neck and into his hair, pulling him down on top of me as I lay back. The SUV had barely enough space to lie flat so our legs dangled out the opening.
He drew away from me, reached over, and hit the seat knobs, pushing them down flat. Our chests heaved with matching breaths. I wiggled back on my elbows, pushing myself fully into the car. He crawled between my legs and propped himself over me, his eyes dilated and full of need.
We crashed into each other. I curled my legs around him, crushing him closer to me, and I wiggled happily against him.
“Jaymerson…” My name came out like a craving, his hand running up my bare leg.
I was dizzy and no longer wanted to think. When I didn’t think, I became bold. I reached for the bottom of his shirt, unbuttoning it.
“Jaymerson,” he growled this time, almost in warning.
I knew this was what he wanted. He had wanted it for as long as we’d been together. Finally I was with him. I wanted it also. Badly.
“Jaymerson. Stop.”
I wasn’t listening. I gripped my legs harder around his hips, and he moaned. I tilted up, grinding slowly.
“Fuck!” He inhaled deeply, jerking away. He leaned back on his heels.
Shock and confusion halted me. “What? What’s wrong?”
He panted rapidly. The part of his unbuttoned shirt revealed a peek of his toned abs. Even through his dress shirt I could make out his firm, built chest. He was a lot more developed than most of the high school boys. Seeing the tease of skin only incited my need to explore him. I sat up, my lips finding his, beckoning him back.
He let me kiss him but did not return them. I nipped at his bottom lip, my teeth grazing and tugging. He made a warning growl and then gripped the back of my head, knotting my hair firmly in a hold, the other pressing my lower back up into him. It was one of those toe-curling kisses that obliterated your mind. He breathed me in, consumed me.
I was no longer even in this universe.
He laid me back, our mouths hungry and demanding. My hands went back to his shirt, working my way down the buttons, my fingers trailing over his abs, as it opened to me. I wanted to experience his bare skin against mine. I wanted nothing between us.
I started to slip his shirt off his shoulders before a strange sound came from him, and he leaped out of the truck, pulling his shirt closed.
“We can’t do this,” he mumbled, running his hands through his hair.
“Why?” I sat up. Hurt flooded in, coloring my tone. “You’ve been wanting to have sex forever. I was never ready. Now I am.”
“That’s why... not here. Not like this,” he replied.
“I don’t understand.” Embarrassment flooded through me. “You don’t want to have sex with me?”
“It’s not I don’t want to have sex with you.” His gaze found mine. “Believe me. Right now it’s all I want to do.”
“Then?” I held up my arms. I couldn’t believe I was suddenly begging for it and he was saying no. “What’s the problem?”
“For one, I don’t have protection. Not going to do that to either of us. You want to be a pregnant teen mom? I don’t think so.” His words grounded me. Colton was being the responsible one. “And I’m not going to have it in the back of this car.”
Being in the SUV didn’t bother me. I think movies had guys believing most girls wanted a bed-of-roses fairy tale. My desire was dependent on the guy and my emotions, not the place.
He could have told me any wonderful, selfless reasons, but it didn’t matter. The hurt clouded in my chest like a storm crackling across my heart. All I wanted was go home and lick my wounds. I straightened my dress and scooted out of the back.
“Jaymerson?” he called to me as I rounded the car, heading for the passenger side.
“I want to go home.”
Re-buttoning his shirt, he followed me around the side. “I’m doing this for you. Seriously, you will thank me for it.”
“No, I get it. You are being respectful and responsible.” I looked away, tears flooding beneath my lids. “But I just want to go home now.”
He stood in front of me. I kept my gaze on the ground. I loved he was actually being a gentleman, but I didn’t want the gentleman, not when he’d kissed me like that. My discomfort clouded everything, and all I could see was rejection.
“Okay.” He nodded.
The ride home was tense and awkward, but I leaned over to give him a kiss when he pulled into my drive. It was quick, but then he grabbed the back of my head, pressing me close. His mouth told me he still wanted me. Desired me. Loved me.
I let him kiss away my wounds. My chagrin melted, leaking out of the SUV with every nip of his mouth. It was like he demanded it, forbidding me to experience anything but desire.
“I love you,” I mumbled against his lips, the words spurting out before I even realized it.
Colton froze, jerking back.
Oh god. What did I do? Humiliation came flooding back in the car, dropping down on me, painting me a deep shade of maroon.
His finger stayed clipped to my jawline as he stared down at me intently. Not for the first time tonight, I could not read his mood.
“I-I did-didn’t mean…I meant I—” His mouth crashed down on mine, stopping the horrible fumble of my words.
He pressed me back into the seat, his lips taking me prisoner again. His hand ran up my leg, leaving shivers in his wake. His tongue dipped over my mouth and curled around mine. Air seized in my lungs; my blood boiled and responded to him. He broke the kiss, both of us grappling for needed oxygen.
“I love you too,” he said against my mouth, his tone odd, like it was the deepest confession he’d ever made. “Happy anniversary.”
“Happy anniversary,” I replied. I gave him another soft kiss before pulling away. I slipped out of the car and turned toward the house, then waved and went inside.
Besides the sex-gone-wrong part, it had been the night I’d always wanted. No matter how much he pressured me with words, when it came down to it, he didn’t want me to do anything I wasn’t truly ready for.
Colton could drive me nuts, but he was deeper than people thought. He actually saw me.
Tonight something changed for me.
I smiled to myself. I knew I had officially fallen completely in love with Colton Harris.