The next month slipped by in a strange fog. Dad was willing to talk about the semester abroad program, which was a huge improvement. Mom and I had to work slowly at introducing the idea so he wouldn’t outright say no and close the door on it. He still had me filling out college applications where he wanted me to attend, but the compromise seemed to make him more open to my concept of me going to Europe.

Even though Stevie wasn’t at physical therapy anymore, I actually saw her more. She decided she’d wait till next fall to go back to school, which had a lot to do with me and a certain Aussie. They were happy being only with each other. It was kind of disturbing in a sweet way. They both teased about being bored and ready to move on, but they couldn’t keep their hands off each other.

Love was strange. It definitely chose you. It took hold even of those who laughed at the notion and were content playing around. Stevie couldn’t even explain why Chris broke her string of one-night stands. Nor did I think he could clarify why he didn’t want to be with other girls besides her. It didn’t matter. They both felt the same.

I was happy for them. Many nights they demanded I hang out with them, both teasing about having a threesome. I always felt there was an elephant in the room, especially when I knew they had seen Hunter or were talking about a Supercross event.

Even at school Hunter’s ghost lingered, but his physical person had vanished. After a week of his missing history class, I went to Mrs. Ambose. “Sorry to bother you, but I saw Hunter wasn’t in class this week. I wanted to see if I could get his assignments so he could keep up.”

She tilted her head in confusion. “Hunter transferred out. He needed to rearrange his schedule to have the last two periods free.”

“Oh.” Chagrin prickled at my hairline. Did he transfer because of me? “Thank you.”

The few times I did see him, it was across the hall, and he quickly dissipated into the crowd, almost like he was never there.

Soon winter released its reins and handed them over to spring.

 

 

The day of Colton’s memorial finally came, drawing most of the town to the campus. Rain threatened to descend at any moment, as if it was sympathetic to the occasion. The area between the gym and the football field was full of townsfolk and students. Ms. Matlin gave the school the last two periods off to attend the tribute.

The mayor, Mary Dunn, stood on top of the makeshift platform, speaking into the microphone about Colton. A tarp blocked us from seeing what was built in Colton’s honor.

Mom and Dad stood next to me as I stared absently at the ground at the base of the podium. The mayor’s words soared through the air like vapor.

Mr. and Mrs. Harris stood near the stage. Julia kept her head low, her husband’s arm around her. The football coach and the assistant coach stood next to them. Hunter was nowhere to be seen. I hadn’t expected him to be. My gaze wandered over the crowd, spotting familiar faces: students, the clerk at the market, the owner of the pizza parlor. Everyone was here.

Savannah clung to Jason. She was dressed in a cute black dress and a pair of large sunglasses and heels. Chloe held her other arm, patting at her eyes. Adam stood next to her. Madison next to Adam. Carrie and Dan were behind them, Dan texting away on his phone.

Scanning the faces, I couldn’t read the amount of sadness they felt or didn’t feel, but most seemed to stir restlessly like they’d rather not be here. It had been more than seven months since his death. The shock of his sudden demise was lessening a bit. Those not close to him had moved on, and those close were trying. Now we were being yanked back. I didn’t need to recall the anguish of his loss or be reminded of his character. Or even how much I missed him.

“Colton was a fierce friend, kind, loyal, considerate. A loving son and boyfriend, amazing athlete, and trusted friend.” The mayor nodded at his parents, then over at me. Mom’s hand came up, rubbing my arm.

I shifted. Just because he was dead didn’t make me not want to call bullshit on at least one of those. It was strange to think the one person who ever truly knew the real Colton was Hunter. Not even his best friends knew Colton had a son.

“His loss devastated our community…” Mary went on.

I knew she was a family friend of the Harris’s. Friend might be a stretch. Colton told me it was a “scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” kind of thing. Politics meets money and influence. He couldn’t stand her. And Colton liked almost everybody. Her presence gave his memorial a false edge.

“Now in dedication to Colton Mitchel Harris.” Mary swished her hand as some of the football players withdrew the tarp. Under the oak tree stood a large iron fountain formed in the shape of a football with the number twenty-two on it, his jersey number. Mitch and Julia walked up and pressed a button on the fountain. Water trickled out of the football and down the side to where a plaque was carved, with his name, years of birth and death, and a quote.

I could almost hear Colton groaning in my head. A fountain? Seriously?

The wind blew, swishing my hair around, but I needed air. To breathe. I can’t stay here. I began to turn. And stopped. In a featureless swarm of congregating bodies, only one burst to life, becoming my anchor in the sea of faces. A life raft of strength. Hunter stood in the distance, under a tree, blending in the shadows of the grey afternoon. No one seemed to notice him.

He sensed my gaze and turned his head. Our eyes locked on each other. The people and scenery around me became abstract paintings. He was the only thing clear and substantial. The muscles around my heart clenched, and the air seemed to compress around me. But the air he stole from me was different. This was laced with pleasure, a speeding of my heart, drilling into me an understanding I wanted nothing more than to run to him. Pressure went to the tips of my toes, pushing down into the ground.

“Jaymerson?” My name rang out over the speakers, jerking my head to the front with dread. Mary stared down at me in expectation. “Would you like to come up here and say something? I know you missed his funeral while still in the hospital yourself. I thought you might want a chance to say a few words?”

Oh god. No. “Um.” No words came to my head.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to.” Mom clutched my hand, giving me a knowing smile. Standing by myself in front of this crowd of people who mostly mocked and hated me was the last thing I wanted to do. What would I even say?

“Jaymerson?”

I gulped and went up to the platform and took the mic. I could hear my ex-friends mumbling and shaking their heads.

“Hi.” The speaker squeaked, and I took a step back, my tongue sliding over my dry lips. It’s okay. You can do this, Jayme. My gaze landed on Hunter. His face was expressionless, but the way he watched me gave me strength, propelling me to start. “Everyone here has a memory, a story about Colton. We can stand here and give a breathtaking impression of Colton’s character. Loyal, kind, caring, life of the party, goofy, charming… He was all of those things, but…”

I heard a rumbling through the crowd, clenching my throat. It was slight, but I saw Hunter tip his head, telling me to go on.

I swallowed, taking a breath. “In death we seem to want to put a person on a pedestal, make them this one-dimensional, faultless person. He wasn’t. Colton had many faults. But now I realize it’s what I liked most about him. He was flawed. Real. Made mistakes.” I inhaled shakily, my mouth dry. “I miss him. It’s not the boyfriend I mourn, but my friend. My best friend... Someone who makes you laugh, feel safe, happy, knows all your different sides, and likes you more for them.”

Sometimes things come to you in a flash of undeniable truth. So powerful and strong it was like a light had switched on, showing you clearly in stark harsh light what has been there the whole time.

I wasn’t talking about Colton. He was never that person. Only one was all those things to me.

Hunter.

Anxiety quickened my breath, my eyes searching for the one person who made sense to me. My eyes flew back to the tree, wanting somehow to convey to him he was that person to me. But emptiness surrounded the spot where he once stood.

Hunter was gone.

My gaze darted around searching frantically for his retreating figure. Hunter! My heart and mind screamed. Where did he go?

It was like I’d lost my refuge, my one lifeline keeping me afloat. He gave me strength and confidence to stand here and be strong. Why did he leave?

 

Only when I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see Mary did I realize I had stopped talking.

“Um, well—” My thoughts bumbled around on my tongue, wandering aimlessly with no set direction. “I mean…well.” Fire raced up my neck into my cheeks, feeling the stares from the crowd, further causing me to stumble over my words.

The mayor patted me on the back, nudging me away from the microphone. “I know this is extremely difficult for you, perhaps you can collect your thoughts and then come back. Now I’ll open it to anyone who wants to come up and say a few words about Colton.” She took control of the podium, sliding her attention over the audience.

I moved to the stairs and passed one of Colton’s football buddies running up the stairs to talk next. I made my way back to my parents, people surrounded me in every direction and yet I’d never felt more alone.

When the memorial ended, I strolled slowly back to my car, my head down, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone.

“Honey?” I heard my mom, but I was lost out in space.

“JayJay?” Dad’s voice swung my head to the side, linking me back to earth. “You coming straight home?”

My lips parted to say “yes” when I heard “no” come out instead. “I think I’m gonna go to Colton’s grave.” I twisted my finger around my key ring.

Mom and Dad nodded, giving each other a quick, pointed glance. Dad exhaled and smiled warmly. “We’re going to get Reece from daycare, then pick up a pizza for dinner. Sound good?”

“Yeah. I’ll see you later.”

Mom came over and gave me a quick hug. “You were so brave today.”

I stepped from her embrace, waved at my dad, and got in the jeep. I had yet to go to Colton’s grave, something I kept pushing off. I felt today was the day. A final door I needed to close.

 

 

Large droplets splattered on the leaves as I stepped from the car. I strolled over to the plot where Colton rested. The soft drumming of rain set a peaceful but sad melancholy mood to the cemetery. My chest clenched when his gravestone came into full view. His name, displayed in large block letters, finalized his death. I stopped close to the headstone. A leaf fluttered down, landing on the top. My hand automatically picked it off.

“Sorry it took me this long.” My voice came out uneven, breaking the silence. I shifted on my feet, not sure what to say. It was so quiet, only the pattering of rain on the leaves made any sound. “Damn, you would hate this.” A snort burst from me, imagining Colton pacing back and forth beside me yelling, “I’m so bored.”

The smile dropped from my face, and I folded my arms over each other. “I am so mad at you.” I blinked, a slight pressure behind my eyes. “How could you do that to me, Colton? You lied, cheated, and deceived me. You let your brother claim your baby. Have him pretend to be you so I wouldn’t know about your son and the fact you betrayed me. I thought you were my best friend, Colton, but friends don’t do that to each other.” I rubbed between my eyes. “You know what makes me even angrier? I don’t have the right to be mad at you because you’re dead. How can I? You can’t fight back and tell me why you did those things. Now I have to live with this sitting on my chest.” I tapped at my rib cage. “And what’s even worse is after all the shit you did, I’m the one who feels guilty. The one who feels I’m doing something wrong.” The knot in my throat swelled, and I took a couple of breaths. “I have fallen in love with your brother.” My legs crumpled into the soft dirt, a choked sob tore from my throat. “I am so sorry.”

I missed Colton. The Colton I thought I knew. His presence in my life, his laugh, his carefree, happy personality. I would never see him laugh or smile again. But my heart ached for Hunter. I was overwhelmed by the absence he left in my soul, and the craving I had to be near him.

I didn’t realize how much I wanted Colton’s forgiveness. No matter what Colton did to me in the past, loving his brother felt worse. I’d fallen in love with Hunter because Colton died. He could not retaliate, be mad, or hate me, but I had the luxury of experiencing both emotions about him.

The silent guilt had been eating at me. It was probably why I had avoided coming here. I would finally have to face it. I liked who I was becoming, but I couldn’t fully move on until I dealt with the past and my feelings for both Colton and Hunter.

“Please forgive me,” I whispered, the tears rolling faster. I let them come. My shoulders heaved with heavy sobs rendering my arms almost useless at keeping me from folding over into a ball. Sadness tore through me and I surrendered to it, letting the dark in.

The pain was real, but it didn’t consume me like I thought it would. In that moment I knew I was beginning to let him go. After a while the tears subsided, and I wiped the liquid from my cheeks.

The sound of birds crowing twisted my neck to look up. A dozen black birds grouped in the sky, flying over. The way they were positioned reminded me of my tattoo. It was happenstance, but a smile curled my mouth seeing the birds soar in the air.

I glanced back down at the grave. “I think I need to forgive you too,” I muttered. It was all in my head, but it felt like a heaviness stepped off my heart. My body wanted to fly up and join the flock.

“Losing you was the most horrendous, unbearable thing, and I didn’t think I would ever come back from it. But I’m starting to, and I’m even stronger. I hate it took losing you to find myself.” I wiped the last of the tears off my face and set my hands down in my lap, the wet earth soaking through my leggings. “I love him, Colton,” I confessed. “I never imagined it, but I don’t want to be without him. I want to believe you’d want us to be happy. To be okay we found each other through this horrible ordeal.”

The birds continued to dance above my head, circling and curving near the oak tree he was buried under. Music from a car passing on the main road pumped through the cemetery, scaring the birds away. The thumping bass gave away an extremely bad rap song. It was one of Colton’s favorites. “Still torturing me with your bad music.” I shook my head, a smile pulling the edges of my mouth. There was no clear sign or evident indication, but in my soul I felt as though he’d given me his permission to love Hunter.

“Thank you.” I stood, brushing off my damp knees. “Goodbye, Colton.”

I would always love him in my way, but right then the road to where my heart truly lay was open. For once, I held no guilt or shame running from here to Hunter.

If anything, I felt Colton pushing me to go.

And I did.