“You were with him, weren’t you?” Mom said from the doorway of my bedroom.

I exhaled and grabbed my pajamas from the drawer.

“Jaymerson.” Frustration and exhaustion draped heavy on my name. “What did your father and I tell you?”

“At eighteen I have no say about who I can or can’t hang out with?” I grabbed some clean underwear, wanting to head for the shower.

“That is not what we are doing.”

I slammed my dresser shut. “Forbidding me to see Hunter is exactly that.”

“We love you. We want to keep you protected.”

“You can’t keep me bubble wrapped. I need to experience things.”

“You can—”

“Only not with Hunter.” I finished her sentence. “Funny, his friends seem to feel the same about me. So…who is really being protected here?”

“They do?” Surprise flashed over her face. “Well, maybe one of you will listen.”

Rage crawled up my neck like fingers and poked at my eyes till they started to water. “No need to worry anymore. I won’t be hanging out with Hunter anymore. You all win.”

“What?”

“Hunter and I are no longer friends. You got your wish. Happy now?”

“No, of course not.” Concern and sadness, knotted her eyebrows. “What happened?”

“Oh, no. You don’t get to do that.” I wagged my head. “Don’t pretend you aren’t happy about this. I can’t take it. Not tonight.”

“I’m not pretending.” She took a step to me. “You are my daughter, and I don’t want you hurting.”

“But it seemed all right before, when you were keeping me away from him.”

“It was not my intention.”

“It wasn’t?” Screams gurgled from my throat. “Please, Mom. Just be honest and say it. You didn’t want me to be with him. Now you are relieved because I’m not.”

Hunter challenged me, dared me to be myself. To be honest. Even if it was ugly, messy, or mean.

“Please…” I begged.

“Fine.” She gulped, looking away. “I’m relieved you’re not seeing him. I don’t think he’s good for you. I don’t want anything keeping you from your dreams. College, a career, the chance to meet other boys.”

“Those are your dreams.”

Mom bit her lip, pain wrinkling her brows. My shoulders dropped, the fight in me dissolving.

“I know you want the best for me. Both you and Dad. I wish you’d let me figure it out instead of planting in my head what you think I should do, as though it’s my idea.”

“Okay. What do you want then?” Mom sat on the edge of my bed. “You spoke of art before?”

“Yeah.” I sighed, sitting down next to her. “I also really want to do a semester abroad or a road trip across the states.” I ran my fingers through my hair.

“Abroad?” Mom’s eyes widened.

“I want to at least explore the idea. After Colton’s death, I realized I had no clue who I was, what I wanted. I want to figure it out. Discover new places. People.”

Mom curled her hands together and exhaled tightly.

“I’m not saying I don’t want to go to college. I do. Eventually. But I want to discover the world first. Don’t you see? This is what I want.”

“But you’re so young—”

“I know I have a lot to learn, but I need to figure it out. Fall on my face. Date guys or do things you might not approve of. This past year has pushed me out of my box. You have to let me go to stand on my own two feet.”

Mom sniffled, wiping at her face. “I know. It’s hard to do. You’re my baby.”

I heaved a sigh. “I’m not a baby anymore.”

“I wish I could prevent that too.” She tipped her head back with a groan.

“You can’t stop me from growing up.”

She looked at me intently. It was the first time I felt she was really looking at me. Seeing me.

“When did you become the adult here?”

I snorted.

“You really want to go abroad?” Fear lined her brows.

“Yes.”

She nodded, gazing down at her hands.

“Is it something you and Dad would be okay with letting me do?”

“Okay is not the right word... but…I will…consider it.” She held up her hand, seeing me respond. “I’ll need to talk with your father first. He needs to come around to the idea, which might take some work. You know how stubborn he can be.”

“Thank you.” I threw my arms around her.

“I didn’t say it was definite.” I hugged her tighter, forcing a laugh from her. She stroked my hair. “Oh, my girl.” She kissed the top of my head. “I’m sorry if you think I was trying to keep you away from Hunter to hurt or stop you from growing up. In wanting to shield you from pain, I ended up hurting you more.”

“I know you were only trying to protect me.”

“Kids don’t come with manuals. I’ve made mistakes and probably will again. But remember everything I do is because I love you so much. You and your sister are my world. My heart.” She dropped her head on mine. “But you are special, JayJay. Your dad and I had no clue what we were doing with you, but in spite of all our screw-ups, you have grown into such an amazing person. I couldn’t be more proud of you.”

A hiccupped sob rattled my throat. “Even this feistier version of me?”

“More so.” Her lips softly grazed my head again. “I want you to always be yourself. I’m sorry if I’ve been struggling. I was scared. Am scared. My quiet, sweet, well-mannered girl was turning into me.”

“What?” I lifted my head.

Mom wiggled her eyebrows. “Ask Grandma Penny, I was quite a handful in my teenage years. She threatened daily to ship me off to boarding school. What I imagine Reece will be like in a few years.”

“Payback is a bitch.”

She snickered. “Yeah, Grandma laughs at me every time Reece gets a certain scowl on her face, stomps her foot, and defies me.” She took my hand in hers. “But don’t force yourself into a role you no longer fit. I’d rather have two spirited girls than one who feels she has to play a part.”

I hugged her.

“And again, I’m sorry you are hurting.” She squeezed my hand and stood up. “To be honest, Colton never scared me. I figured you’d go off to school and find you wanted more than him. He was a nice guy, but I always sensed you’d move on from him.” Colton, nice? If she only knew the truth. Nothing was what it seemed. It reminded me of a line from Pride and Prejudice: “One has got all the goodness, and the other all the appearance of it.”

“There’s a ‘but’ in there.”

She smiled thinly. “Hunter terrifies me.”

“Why?”

“Besides the obvious?”

“You mean the rumors?” She nodded at my question. “Looking past what you think Hunter is like. What worries you?”

“Well, because even when I didn’t want to see it happening, I saw you change and grow with him. You have become a strong person, on your own, but he’s had more influence on you than Colton ever had. He challenged you, pushed you to want more. Your connection to him was strong. Selfishly I think part of me was upset because you no longer looked to me. I wanted to believe he was influencing you to rebel. But I wasn’t giving you enough credit, was I?” She cupped my cheek. “You’re stronger than that. He helped you see, didn’t he?”

A lump inflated in my throat. The thought of Hunter swirled my heart with happy agony. I didn’t realize every time I fought against my own ghost, he had silently been there giving me strength to keep driving forward.

“I’m sorry, honey. For everything.” Mom stood, opening her arms. I rose and stepped into her embrace. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Mom.” I held her for a moment before I stepped back.

She wiped a tear from her eye. “I’ll let you take your shower now.” Mom shut the door behind her. I felt lighter as I headed to the bathroom. Months of tension seemed to lift off me. I flicked on the light, catching my reflection.

A boulder plunged into my abdomen. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, hair a mess, scruff burns along my jaw and face, my lips swollen. Signs of Hunter were all over me.

I was completely in love with Hunter Harris, and I had to let him go.

But deep in my brain his words repeated in a loop.

We fight harder.

 

 

It wasn’t until I drove into the lot the next morning and spotted Jason’s silver Range Rover did the memory of seeing it at the lake the night before return to me. I hooked up my bag, apprehension swirling inside, measured steps, each one precise, deliberately slowing me down. I still wanted to believe it was someone else.

I let my hair fall into my face and kept my head down as I walked up the steps and through the door. I shielded myself behind my tresses from the voices both loud and murmured, the banging of lockers, and the squeaks of feet on linoleum.

As I slipped toward my locker, the voices went noticeably quiet. The feel of eyes burned down my spine. My gaze drifted around. Classmates stared at me, all stopping whatever they were doing. My gut recoiled, reducing my air intake. A group of coeds I recognized stood in front of my locker. They watched me, giving me a once over through disgusted expressions. A girl coughed, the word slut muffled in her hand.

“Excuse me,” I kept my voice even, but not friendly.

They parted, quickly dispersing from my locker. My eyes landed on what they were obstructing. Air caught in my throat. Perspiration prickled at my forehead, neck, and down my back.

Scrawled in large, hasty letters, in bright yellow and white was: Brother Fucker. Whore. Slut! Behind me I heard snickers and hissed conversation.

Keep it together, Jaymerson. Don’t let them see they can get to you.

“Did you even bother calling out a different name?” a guy hollered.

Another guy pointed at his phone, watching the screen. “My favorite part…ohhh…there go the pants into the water.”

Oh god. There’s a video.

I closed all my social media accounts; not aware last night’s escapade had gone viral.

“Can’t tell if those mosquito bites are supposed to be boobs?”

“Sexy black bra, Holloway.”

More comments came hurling at me bookended with chuckles, but I could no longer distinguish the voices. Their mouths moved in a blur, their voices becoming one collective buzz that droned in my ear, echoing my sharp intakes of breath. Stay strong. Stay strong.

Gritting my teeth, I whirled around, forcing my chin to stay level and pushed through a clustered group into the bathroom. Anger and humiliation fueled me. I wouldn’t look at myself in the mirror as I yanked paper towels from the dispenser, wet them, and went back out. Halfway back the bell rang. The crowd scattered, heading for first period.

“Did you wait till Colton’s body was cold before you started screwing his twin?”

“Slut.”

“Disgusting.”

I tried to build a wall while people condemned me as they passed by, focusing on scouring the vile words off my locker. Vigorous scrubbing only faded the letters, leaving their vicious intention still visible. My teeth sawed at my bottom lip, and I forced any emotion I had deep down. I don’t care what they say. I don’t.

A figure fell against the locker next to me. Savannah crossed her arms over her chest, her phone clenched in one hand. Her cheerleading shirt swished against the metal. There must be a game tonight. Funny, I hadn’t thought about cheerleading in a long time.

“I can’t believe you.” Savannah’s nose scrunched, and she shook her head. “How do you even look at yourself?”

My teeth dove into my bottom lip, keeping my head straight.

“It’s sickening, Jayme.” Her voice rose and she straighten up. I dropped my arm and looked at her. “His twin? How could you do that to Colton?”

“I didn’t do anything to Colton.” My teeth ground together.

She shook her cell’s screen in my face. “Funny, this video says different. It was even more sickening to watch in person.”

“You taped us?” Air blew from my nose.

She had been there with Jason. Probably to have sex, but I was the one being crucified.

She scoffed. “Colton always deserved better than you.”

Her insult slapped me in the face, especially now I’d seen the bundle of evidence of his infidelity last night.

I fully turned on her. “Were you hoping he’d eventually look at you? Be the one he chose?”

She put her hands on her hips. “You pretend to be sweet and kind, but you’re simply a slutty whore. You and the druggie actually deserve each other.” She moved around me, flipping her ponytail. “And just so you know, we were never friends. You were never one of us. We were only nice to you because of Colton.” She swished back around and strode down the hallway.

I took in a shaky breath and opened my locker, trying to ignore the storm brewing inside. A note lay folded at the bottom, the edges ruffled from it being shoved through the door slits.

The paper brushed my fingers tips as I opened and read it. Crunching my jaw, I crumpled it up, shoving it into my pocket, and slamming my locker shut. I wanted to flee. To retreat to my room and hide. Forever. But if I left it would kindle the fire of their rumors and prove they could rattle me. I had to stay strong…or at least pretend to be.

 

 

The morning ticked by, each class was torture with students staring, whispering vulgar comments and texting. I turned my phone off and kept my attention on class, trying to block the onslaught of hurtful comments and salacious jeers. People shoved the video in my face when I ignored their remarks, pointing and laughing. Outside, I kept my chin up and forward, but inside the layers of my protective shield were crumbling. It was getting harder and harder to keep my chin from wobbling with emotion. The strong girl I had been developing into was not able to take the weight.

Just get through today. I blinked back the tears wanting to breach my feeble walls.

I had yet to see Hunter and part of me was grateful. Considering how we ended things last night, his presence would only fuel the fire. I actually hoped he’d decided to skip the day. These hopes were quickly shattered as I grabbed my books for the next class.

“Hey,” a deep voice spoke into my ear.

The thrill at hearing his voice was quickly overshadowed by dread. I continued to reach for my book, not responding.

“You all right?” He moved in a little closer to me, his body heat warm and inviting. His expression heavy with exhaustion, his hair tousled, clothes slightly disheveled. Only he could make rumpled look unbearably sexy.

“Hunter,” I warned, scanning the crowd nervously for onlookers. “What are you doing?”

A frown lined the gap between his brows. “Seeing if you are all right.”

“All right?” Anger catapulted over my tongue, and I slammed my locker. “Far from.” I took a step to move around him, but he countered my step. My lids narrowed. “I-I can’t do this right now. Not here.”

“What does it matter? Everyone already knows.” He challenged me, his tone full of resentment. Then he exhaled, letting his shoulders drop. “I wasn’t coming here expecting anything. I got the message last night. Clear. I just wanted to check on you.”

Out of the corner of my eye I could see students halting in their tracks, watching us.

“Well, I’m awesome. Thanks,” I sneered, my voice straining over each word.

“What do you care what these assholes think anyway?” He lifted his arms.

More and more people stopped to watch us.

“I’m sorry I’m not as strong or unfeeling as you.” Anger shook my voice. His back stiffened, fury growing in his eyes. “I can’t pretend it doesn’t bother me. Especially after the umpteenth time someone has shoved the video of me naked in my face, calling me a slut.”

“I’ve seen it. All they have is a blurry, faraway, dark video of me and someone. No real proof.”

They didn’t need proof. The accusation was enough.

“Please don’t make this any harder.” I glanced away.

He nodded, a disapproving glaze covered his features. “Sorry, if I was concerned.”

“Dammit, Hunter give me a break. I just scrubbed ‘slut’ and ‘brother fucker’ off my locker this morning,” I hissed at him. “What do you want from me?”

“You don’t think I’m not getting shit? I got an ‘intervention’ from my friends last night. And Dougie has hooked me up with his fourth cousin.” He motioned to himself. “I’m the bigger asshole here. He was my brother.”

“It’s different for guys.”

“No, I simply don’t give a shit what they say.”

“Well, I do.”

Hunter watched me. I could feel the final nail being hammered in the coffin. He bowed his head. “I can see that.”

“Hunter…”

“What’s funny is you accused me of being a coward. Not having the guts to be seen with you or to tell everyone you’re my friend. When it came down to it, who is the actual coward here, Jaymerson?” He moved really close, body touching mine, his voice lowering roughly. His proximity drove my desire to a boil. “I am not going to be someone’s dirty secret because they care too much about what these jerk-offs think.”

He then stepped away, pivoted, and walked back down the hallway, disappearing into the crowd.

A swirl of rage and frustration zipped down my nerves, festering. An angry cry bobbed around my tongue. I spun back to my locker, kicking the door with such force it vibrated off the wall, rattling the rest of the row. Stares baked into my skin from all around, watching me roast. I was merely an animal in the zoo.

The final bell for class took their attention away from me. The corridor cleared out, but I stood there, staring at my locker. The outline of letters spelling out the hateful words still visible across the front. The note I found in my locker, in my pocket, stated in blocky black scrawl: “You should be ashamed, c*nt.”

The worst part was I had secretly thought these things about myself and now they were being brought to life for everyone to see and comment on. It was hard enough to hate yourself, but being ostracized by your peers was harsher than anything I’d imagined.

A door down the hallway slammed, and I hurried for the bathroom, not wanting to face anyone. The last thing I needed was more gossip about me. My tears would not create sympathy. They would think I was getting what I deserved. I locked myself behind the bathroom stall door, grabbing some toilet paper to wipe my eyes.

The door to the restroom opened. The sound of feet bounded in the room. “Oh my god, did you hear about what happened in the hallway between Jaymerson and Hunter?” a girl exclaimed, her shoes clicking toward the mirror.

Every muscle in my body locked up, going still.

“No! What?” another girl asked, her voice high and baby-like.

“Well, Jennifer said she saw them arguing by her locker. It looked really intense,” the girl said, stringing each word out dramatically. The sound of a bag unzipping echoed. “Like a lover’s spat or something.”

“Really?” The baby-voiced girl responded with excitement. “So…do you think it was them in the video?”

“Totally! She’s completely banging her dead boyfriend’s brother,” the first girl replied salaciously. “And them arguing in the hallway? Sorry, but you don’t have fights like that unless there is something going on.”

This coming from the girl who wasn’t actually there but heard about it from another person. It didn’t matter if it was true, and even less if we weren’t actually sleeping together. Their version was more exciting. Juicier gossip about others was more entertaining to spread. It was fun as long as they weren’t the ones being talked about.

“I think it’s disgusting,” the girl continued. “A brother is bad enough, but his identical twin? Ugh... like they are interchangeable or something. Colton was way hotter.”

“They were identical twins.” The other replied dryly.

“Yeah, but Hunter is, like, a poor man’s Colton. Hunter might be smokin’ hot with the tattoos and bad-boy thing, but you can tell he’s going nowhere. Like he’ll be a gas attendant or a convenience store clerk. I’ve heard he already has several illegitimate kids. Probably in every trailer park across the state. I mean, look at the crowd he hangs with. They probably only have one brain cell left between them. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him talk in class, like, ever. And now Mr. Anti-social is all into his brother’s girl… a cheerleader? It’s weird.”

A gasp came from the baby-voiced girl. “Maybe he killed his brother so he could have her.”

“They were in a car accident.”

“I know. What if it wasn’t an accident?” she whispered conspiratorially.

“Oh my god. You are awful.” The first girl giggled.

“Like you weren’t thinking it.”

I squeezed my lids closed and swallowed the lump of bile forming in my throat.

“Well, no matter what, it’s gross.” A bag zipped closed. “Poor Colton. Little did he know his perfect little girlfriend was a complete tramp. I would have loved to be the one to comfort him.” The first girl sighed.

“I think it should be illegal for hot boys to die. Such a waste.”

“Seriously,” baby-voice agreed.

“I better get back before Mr. Kisner sends his little teacher’s pet after me.” Shoes moved across the tile. The door squeaked open then shut, leaving the room in silence.

Their insensitive, malicious words echoed in my ears, flooding the tears forward again. I placed my face in my hands. Words could hurt more than any knife could. I had gone through excruciating pain with learning to walk again, but this was far more brutal. It ate at your insides and destroyed you. Unless it was them under the microscope, people had such little empathy for others. Quick to judge and condemn, even though they might have done the same or worse.

It made me realize how alone I was.

Dating Colton had brought me popularity and an instant group of friends. I innocently accepted their friendship and their world, taking it on like it was real and true. Not one of them stood by me now.

The only person I wanted to run to was the exact person I couldn’t…the reason they banished me and put me on stage with a scarlet letter on my chest.

Rage simmered. The things they said about Hunter were completely untrue. If they knew how smart he was, what he wanted to do, what he had done… they’d think differently. His road may not have been typical, but neither was he.

I wanted nothing more for him than to free himself of his parents, this town, all the sadness and bullshit he carried with him. He would never abandon Cody, but I hoped he would still follow his dreams. Find a way to do both.

I sucked in a gulp of determination, wiping my eyes dry. My chin jutted out as I marched from the stall.

One day we both would look back and be relieved we ended it now. We chained each other to the past. We needed to move on. He had his own path to follow. I had mine. Both better off without the other in it.

I had to believe that.