I spent the rest of the period under a tree, near the spot they were dedicating for Colton’s memorial. Sitting here didn’t make me feel better, or closer to him. This would be the last place he’d want to be. But I knew memorials weren’t for the dead; they were to help the living.

When the bell rang for the last period, I went. Health and science was the only class I still enjoyed. Probably because at age six my dad bought me a microscope, encouraging my interest in science, and I’d begun dissecting and examining things. Mr. Fredrick, the teacher, was cool. He made class exciting. Here my mind was occupied, giving me peace from the relentless churning of grief.

After class, I walked to my locker, anxious to leave.

“Jayme!” My name echoed down the hall, Savannah’s voice ping-ponging off the lockers. I hobbled as quickly as I could but knew it was pointless. When she had her sights on you, there was no escape. “Jaymerson!”

I twirled my locker combo, preparing myself for her assault.

“Girl.” Savannah plastered herself over the same boy’s locker, cutting him off from getting in. “I’ve been screaming your name. Did you not hear me?”

“Uh. No.” I swung the door open.

“Did you go deaf too?” She shook her head, her ponytail swishing her brown hair back and forth. “I heard you walked out of Mrs. Ambose’s class. Not that I haven’t thought of it before. She’s so boring. Where did you disappear to at lunch? You just got up and left. You’re not mad at me or anything? Because I was only joking.”

“No,” I lied. “I forgot I had to meet with Mr. Foster for extra credit. I’m still behind.”

Her hazel eyes narrowed and she leaned back, tipping her head to the side. Students moved around us, retrieving their items. “Funny, because Adam said he saw someone who looked like you in the bleachers with Hunter.”

I couldn’t say I had been invisible being with Colton as he had not been the fade-in-the-background type, but now the spotlight was on me, every move under scrutiny and judgment.

“Nope.” I shoved my math book in my bag, shaking my head. “Not me. Adam must have been mistaken.”

“Good.” Savannah rolled her head to me, her shoulders dropping in relief. “Because even though he was Colton’s brother, he’s a weirdo. Hot, but a total future felon.” She scrunched her nose. “And plus hanging out with his twin like he’s some replacement model... it’s definitely creepy.”

Savannah was not known for keeping her thoughts to herself. But unlike Stevie, hers were nasty and gossipy. At one time I found her amusing. That had ceased. Honesty was one thing, but Savannah could be downright cruel.

“You coming to cheerleading practice? We’re doing some final tweaks on the fundraising potluck.” It was set for Sunday evening, and I knew I should be at this meeting.

My locker slammed with a clank. “No. I can’t.”

Savannah rolled her eyes.

“I have physical therapy.” I could even sense the lie hang between us. She knew it was on Wednesdays. “Justin had to cancel Wednesday and rescheduled it for today.”

Savannah pressed her lips together, slowing her energy-filled strides to walk with me. “Whatever.” She waved her hand back and forth. “Then please tell me you’re going to Jason’s party?”

My mouth barely opened.

“Pleeeeaaasse, Jayme?” She linked her arm through mine, leaning her head on my shoulder. “You have to come. Chloe is going out with her college boy, and I have no one to go with.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“Actually, you have no choice.” She giggled and bopped ahead of me. “I’ll pick you up at nine.” She hopped away, like an Energizer Bunny. The more she bounced, the more I felt energy being sucked from me. The last thing in the world I wanted to go to was a party. At that house…

I reversed the fizz of anxiety, swallowing it back. I hitched my backpack higher on my shoulder and strolled into the late afternoon sun. A chill hung in the air, the holidays nearing.

The parking lot was clearing out quickly. I made my way down the school steps, heading for the bus. My gaze drifted to a guy bending over a bench, his firm ass outlined clearly in his jeans. Almost as if he sensed my eyes on him, he straightened, bouncing on one leg, stuffing his crutch under his arm, and glanced over his shoulder at me.

An intense blush crawled over my face.

He still had his hat on but now also a pair of aviator sunglasses. He should have blended in with his dark jeans, T-shirt, glasses, jacket, and hat, but it only did the opposite.

I looked down at my feet. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Hunter said, keeping his focus on the cars in the parking lot. The veins in his arms popped under his skin, his hands clutching the handles of the crutches.

I felt like an idiot, but my feet would not walk away. “Getting picked up?” I knew the answer. He wasn’t allowed to drive yet; his legs were still too damaged. My lungs clenched with crippling fear at the thought of getting behind the wheel.

“Clearly,” Hunter curtly replied.

“So…you’re back to being a jerk?” I gripped the strap of my bag.

He scoffed, turning his head to look at me, my reflection catching in his glasses. “I was never not a jerk.”

“You want to hide behind the douchebag image you created.”

“Don’t confuse me for my brother. I am not the nice twin remember?”

“Believe me, Hunter, I could never confuse you two.”

“Really?” He scoffed.

“Definitely.” My lids narrowed. “You’re right; it’s not an image. You’re just a douchebag.”

He smirked, shaking his head. “I thought you hated me, and it was better if we stayed away from each other?”

“I did…do,” I fumbled. Walk away, Jayme. The silence grew between us, but I didn’t budge. Move feet! Move! What is wrong with me? Why am I still standing here with this jackass?

He shifted, hobbling a little, his mouth pinched. “What do you want from me?”

Like a bolt of lightning, emotion flooded my eyes, clogged my throat. “I don’t know,” I whispered. A connection, a lifeline, someone who understood? A piece of Colton back? It wasn’t fair to Hunter… or to me. Colton was gone, and I needed to deal with the loss, not substitute his twin.

A pimped-out blue Pontiac skidded into the parking lot, music blaring. The engine roared, rolling to a stop in front of Hunter. I recognized the driver as one of Hunter’s friends, Doug. Colton called him “Dropout Dougie.” He dropped out his senior year five years ago and worked as a mechanic downtown ever since.

“You say I don’t know a lot. Maybe you need to figure it out before you try to look to me for answers.” Hunter grabbed his bag off the bench and limped to the passenger-side door.

Doug peered over his glasses at me and smacked Hunter when he got in the car. “You’re leaving her standing there?” Doug motioned to me. “And you call me an idiot.”

I could only hear Hunter mumble the words “brother” and “girlfriend” over the loud music.

Doug shrugged. “She’s still hot.” He threw the car into gear, tearing from the parking lot, leaving me alone.

Waves of embarrassment, anger, and disappointment rolled over me. I was furious at Hunter, at life. Mostly I was mad at myself for reaching out to the one person I knew would bite my hand off. There was a big sign, and I ignored it. It only did what was in his nature.

I was an idiot.

 

 

“It sounds fun, JayJay. I think you should go.” Mom set the salad bowl on the counter. “You need to have a little fun. Relax. Be a teenager.”

“But it’s at Jason’s.”

“I understand, and I won’t force you.” She put her hands on the counter. “Your father and I think you need to face it. Maybe this is the opportunity. And if at any moment it’s too much, you can come home.” She rubbed my hand. “You will get through this. I know you will.”

Her last words seemed more for her than me. As a mother she wanted, needed, it to be that way.

I picked up a fork and stabbed at a dried cranberry, popping it into my mouth. “I’d rather stay home and watch a movie with you guys.” I dug my fork into the bowl searching for another.

Mom frowned. “Stop picking out all the cranberries.” She turned back to the stove, clicking the burner off. The smell of spiced chicken filled the house. “Believe me, you don’t want to stay home. It’s your sister’s choice of movies tonight.” She lifted her glass of wine with a knowing smile.

I grimaced. “Let me guess…it has a Disney princess in it.”

“I can’t wait till she gets out of this phase,” Mom said, taking a sip.

“Who out of what phase?” Dad strolled in setting down his stuff.

“Your youngest has movie choice tonight.” Mom leaned against the counter with a chuckle.

Dad collapsed over the table, groaning dramatically. I leaned over and patted my father’s arm. He lifted his head. “It’s not too late, right? We can escape. Crawl through the window,” he fake-whispered at me.

“I’m in this... you’re in this.” Mom shook her head. “Like hostages.”

Dad dropped his head again. “I need provisions. Quick!” He opened and closed his hand.

Mom grabbed the beer off the table and dropped it into his hand.

“Thank you.” He looked at Mom with adoration.

“You two are dorks.”

“It runs in our family DNA. But this,” Dad pointed at his beer, “will get me through another musical cartoon with princesses.”

“Whose idea was movie choice night?” Mom grabbed a hot pad from the drawer.

“Yours,” Dad and I said in unison.

“Oh, right.” She grabbed the pot of vegetables. “That was dumb.”

“Yes, it was.” Dad came behind her, kissing her shoulder. She smiled, looking over at him. He leaned in, kissing her again.

“Ugh,” I groaned. “Please stop. I will need more than therapy.”

“Speaking of…” Mom stepped back, bringing the pan over with her and turned to Dad. “Jayme is going to a party tonight. Getting out.”

“Mom,” I growled with annoyance. I hadn’t said I was definitely going.

“Really?” A familiar glance transpired between them. Relief, delight, and a little uncertainty. Scared if they said one thing wrong I would go back into hiding like a frightened animal. “That’s good, JayJay, you need to get out. Be a—”

“Teenager.” We finished together. It was the same spiel everyone was telling me.

“Plus, you’re the lucky one.” He came over, kissing my head. “You get to escape. Your mother and I are the ones to pity. Wait! Can I come? I’m not too old, right? They need a chaperone?”

“No, no, and definitely no.”

“Do you need a ride?”

I grinned. “Sorry, but you’ll have to keep trying to find another way out of here.”

“You going to drive?” Mom raised an eyebrow.

“No. Savannah said she’d pick me up.” Damn! I just committed myself to this.

“Daddy!” My little sister came screaming in the room like a tornado, already dressed in a princess costume with a pink swirly skirt and bright blue top with crystals all over it. She had a sparkly tiara on her head.

“Hey, trouble.” He leaned over, picking her up. She wrapped her arms and legs around him in a hug.

“It’s my movie choice tonight.” She bounced in his arms excitedly.

“Yes, I know,” Dad replied, giving me a look.

“Do you want to know what I picked?”

“Does it have princesses in it?”

My sister’s short ponytail bobbed in a yes. “And fairies!”

“Oh goodie.” His sarcasm floated over her to us.

“Lucky you,” I mouthed to my mom, getting up from the stool. “So jealous.”

She shoved the salad bowl at me with a mocking sneer. “Set the table, ungrateful child.”

“Someone’s bitter.”

“Go away.”

 

 

My lightened mood quickly dissipated as I changed clothes, the old and new me battling for dominance. I loved my family, my parents were cool, and we got along great. I appreciated how lucky I was. Still, there was a part of me I had to hide from them. The good, teasing, happy, carefree girl was acceptable. The dark, angry, troubled girl was not.

At nine thirty, Savannah finally pulled up, honking her horn.

“Bye.” I grabbed my jacket.

“Take me with you,” Dad whispered hoarsely to me as chipper music played from the TV. My sister lay on her belly on the rug, singing along. “Or send more provisions.”

“Have fun.” I winked and laughed, heading out the door. I moved toward Savannah’s Mini Cooper. Her family wasn’t extremely wealthy, like Jason’s or Colton’s, but they still spoiled her. She had an older brother, who had left home several years ago, so they treated her like an only child.

Pop music filled the tiny car, almost deafening me. “Hey,” she sang, her eyes roaming over me. “You’re wearing that?”

“Yeah, why?” I looked down at my dark skinny jeans, simple black top, and brown lace-up boots. She had on leather pants, a low-cut red top, and black heeled boots. Her hair was ironed straight, her eyes smoky.

“Oh no, it’s fine,” she chirped and put the car in drive. My knuckles went white, gripping the handle as she tore down my street.

The music kept us from having to converse, but any gap in the song she filled with her dilemmas. “Seriously, I don’t know what to do. The college guy from the party last weekend keeps calling me.”

“Tell him you have a boyfriend.”

Her forehead wrinkled. It was not the answer she was looking for. “I mean, he’s really hot and an extremely good kisser, but it’s, like, stop stalking me.”

I focused on the outlines of the houses zipping by the car.

“Jason is being kind of needy also. So who knows? I might dump them both and go find myself a real man.” She giggled naughtily. “You should have gone last weekend. The party was awesome. So many guys.”

She turned up the road to Jason’s house. My nails dug painfully into the armrest. The car curved around the windy corners.

I gasped for breath. Savannah didn’t notice my panic and sang along with the music. All I could hear was screaming. My screaming. Twisting metal. Crunching of bones. Sirens. Flashes of red and blue. Voices.

She whipped the car around the mountain at full speed.

“Stop,” I whispered, my voice not able to find itself.

She didn’t hear me.

“Please stop.”

The Mini Cooper rounded the corner, passing the turn where we had gone off the road. Strands of caution tape were still tangled in the branches. Air barely twisted through my ragged lungs.

“Uh, I hate this road,” she complained.

Part of me wanted to laugh; the other wanted to cry. She hated this road? Did she not appreciate the significance of it to me? The fact I hadn’t been here since the accident? What it must be like for me? Did she perceive anything but herself? The beast of anger rolled up my esophagus, wanting to lash out. Her shallowness never bothered me much before. I merely accepted it. This made me only see how shallow I had been.

Were we friends? Not really. We never talked or shared anything substantial. I wouldn’t trust her with my secrets, which should have told me enough.

She pulled the car up to McKee’s huge house. Music was pumping; kids milled around. It was exactly like every other Friday here. Nothing changed. Everything and everyone was the same.

Except me. I wanted nothing more than to go home.

Savannah jumped out of the car. I climbed out slowly and stood there, trembling. Her heels clicked up the path. Then she finally noticed I wasn’t beside her and looked back at me. “Come on.”

My head moved back and forth. “I need a minute.”

She frowned with confusion. “What? Why?”

“I need a moment.”

“I don’t want to walk in by myself.” She folded her arms. Irritated.

Are you kidding me? She walked into the house all the time. However, because it was a party, she didn’t want to look stupid, coming by herself. Was that all I was to her? A body to stand next to her so she didn’t look like she was alone?

I slammed the door, but instead of following her up the path, I turned the opposite way.

“Jaymerson,” she yelled. “Where are you going?”

I continued to walk.

“Fine! Nice friend you are.” Her shouts fell on deaf ears. She knew everyone there. She would find a replacement for me the instant she walked into the house.

My feet kept moving down the drive. Facing your fears was one thing but coming back here? It was too soon. The night of the accident was still too vivid. At least, the party was. My brain had trouble with the moments after we got in the car. Bits and pieces came to me in staggering detail, the time on the clock, the reflection of headlights in Colton’s terrified eyes, the weightless sensation in the air. Other moments, the bigger ones, were water through my fingers—an impression, an echoing of sound, flashes of light, the taste of copper in my mouth.

It was stupid to continue. There were no streetlamps or sidewalks, but I couldn’t stop. The spot didn’t merely call me; it impelled me. A few cars passed, heading to Jason’s. I knew I must have looked freaky. Like a ghost haunting the road, I prowled the area where I almost died. Maybe a part of me had.

Distant music from Jason’s house rolled over the hill and floated in the air. Clouds drifted across the moon, dimming the already dark lane, but nothing seemed to stop me. My eyes adjusted enough, spotting bits of Colton’s prized SUV memorialized all over the asphalt. Chunks of glass and plastic from the car’s collision sprinkled the road like ashes. Caution tape still boxed in the scene like a gravestone. A string of it went from a tree near the top all the way down the steep ravine. The car was long gone, but brush and small trees bent or torn from their roots showed the SUV’s path where it flipped and rolled, until we slammed into a huge oak tree.

My arms tucked in around me, protecting me from the panic and sadness jumping around inside. Tears still did not come.

Colton.

I gasped for breath, not realizing I had stopped. But the more air I tugged in the more I seemed to need. I clutched at my chest, bending over. The sound of crickets and faraway music fused, sounding sharp then drowning under the sound of my heart thumping in my ears.

“Colton!” A guttural scream tore from my throat, raw with agony. I couldn’t stop saying his name, hoping my pain would be powerful enough to bring him back.

A surge of hip-hop music came down the road from the house like nothing had happened.

Suddenly my sadness shifted, crawled up my back and around my throat, and coated my chest with burning rage. All I’d been hearing about was what a terrible accident it had been. What a loss to our community. No one talked about the fact he had been drinking. They didn’t want to think their prince was flawed, that he would do something so foolish. The thought of losing the state champion captain to drunk driving was not possible.

Carrie and Dan said they weren’t aware he had been drinking. That they made sure all the kids stayed at their place if they did. What a lie. Fury at them, at the party going on behind me, the kids still drinking and driving because they thought it could never happen to them. And Carrie and Dan continued to let them.

“You stupid idiots!” I bellowed into the cool night air. “You’re supposed to be the adults. The responsible ones.” Bitter fury scalded my lips. I flung my arms around, anger building in my muscles. “And why did I let you? Why didn’t I speak up and say no?” I picked up a rock and threw it at the yellow tape. “Because I didn’t want you upset. To start another fight. I hate I wasn’t strong enough not to be afraid to piss you off.”

Wrath at my weakness, at Carrie and Dan, at Hunter, and Colton’s stupid decision rocked through me. “If I did, would you have left me? If I continued to not have sex, would you have dumped me again?” I didn’t even know what I was saying anymore. Rage tore thoughts from my head and spewed them at the dark hole at the bottom of the basin.

Somewhere in my mind I was aware of the light flooding the right side of my face, but it was part of another dream, another realm my body was in. I continued to scream at Colton, my voice going raw.

“Jaymerson?” The shadowy outline of a body leaped from a car. I ignored the person, too lost in my fury.

Air fought to get into my lungs. They were riddled with pain. And anger. Anger at him for leaving me. Making me see the world harshly. To see and feel nothing but darkness. For missing him so much. For dying.

And because I lived.

I bent over, scooping a handful of gravel and bits of his car. “Fuck you, Colton! You stupid, thoughtless moron!” I bellowed, chucking it down the ravine, warm tears trickled down my cheeks. “Why couldn’t you have lived?”

“Jaymerson. Stop.”

I grabbed at more pieces of his car’s broken headlights, hurling them down with the other ones.

“You told me to relax. I was being too uptight. I’m fine. I had, like, two. Well, who was right, huh? Are you fine now? No. You are dead.” I gasped for air. “You left me.” My throat shredded with my rage. “I hate you.” I knew I didn’t, but I was so angry, so hurt. Blaming him seemed to be the only way air would get back into my lungs, allowing me to breathe.

“Jaymerson, stop.” A hand grabbed my arm, finally snapping my attention to the person next to me.

I looked up into Colton’s face. It was as if my anger and pain brought him back from the dead. I wanted to believe it could happen. He could come back to me. I needed to allow myself the fantasy, even for a moment.

But I couldn’t.

And the harsh truth, crumbled me. I fell against Hunter’s chest, leaning against him like I had no bones left in my body. It went against everything I felt about Colton’s brother, but right then I didn’t care.

He stiffened, but when I didn’t move away he put his arms around me, holding me securely to his chest.

“Why did he have to die?” I whispered against his shirt. He was warm and solid.

“I don’t know.”

“I let him. I didn’t stop him.” I sniffed into his t-shirt. “Why didn’t I stop him? He could be alive right now.”

“I think that every day.”

“He left me.”

“He left me too.”

“I feel so alone.”

“You’re not alone,” he said softly I almost didn’t hear him.

I crushed my lids together briefly, allowing another moment of feeling like I wasn’t drowning, before I pushed him away. Hunter’s arms dropped, we both stood there. My tears left a trail across his T-shirt.

The outside world came hurtling back to me, causing me to be extremely aware we were not alone. I glanced over Hunter’s shoulder. His friend Doug was in the driver’s seat, watching us. No need to ask how they found me. Doug must have been taking him home.

Chagrin warmed my cheeks; he had witnessed my breakdown. For some reason, Hunter seeing me didn’t bother me, but Doug did.

“Uh. Thank you,” I mumbled, wiping my eyes. My feet took a few steps backward. The last thing I wanted to do was go back to Jason’s, but I wanted to get away. From Hunter. From Doug.

From myself.

“I better get back.”

Hunter’s lips turned down, looking over the hill to where the McKee’s residence was. A hard-thumping base danced in the air. “Do you want a ride home?”

My first reaction was to say no, to get far away from him. But the idea of spending the rest of the evening following Savannah around, pretending to have fun, sounded like absolute torture. To have Carrie squeeze my hand while Dan gave me some cheesy platitude. Tonight I would scream at them, letting them know how I felt. It was partly their fault, and they were allowing it to happen again. Even Colton’s death didn’t stop them from wanting to be cool instead of responsible parents.

I shoved my hands into my coat pocket, staring over at the Pontiac. “Actually. Yes.”

Hunter nodded and turned toward the car. His limp was severe without his crutches. I trailed after him, reaching the car in time to hear Hunter mutter something to Doug.

“Yeah, sure, man.” Doug nodded, giving me a smile.

“Thank you. I appreciate this.” My fierce energy was now filled with awkward embarrassment. Hunter tilted the front seat forward to let me to crawl in. I dived in the back, settling into the corner.

“No worries.” Doug glanced in the rearview mirror at me. “It’s Jaymerson, right?”

“Yeah,” I responded.

“So you are—”

“Dougie?” Hunter cut him off, shaking his head, warning him to shut up. Doug smiled, closing his mouth. He cranked the wheel, pulling us back on the road. Hunter turned up the music. Pink Floyd erupted from the speakers, almost making me snort. It seemed to fit Dougie perfectly. I knew every song. It was one of my parents’ favorite bands.

At the first driveway, he turned the car around and drove back down the hill, away from the McKee’s. I curved my body farther into the corner of the car, wanting to disappear. The night encased me as I stared out the window, lost in thought. Hunter’s presence was strangely calming. He sat leaning back in the front seat and didn’t ask me what I was doing on the dark strip of road. He seemed to understand.

Doug hummed to the tunes, happy and content. A few times I caught myself smiling at his childlike contentment.

I texted Savannah I got a ride home. I wanted to put I’m sorry after, but for once I was sick of being sorry. She would never apologize for doing something like this to me, so why was I always tiptoeing around her?

Hunter knew the way to my house—he’d been in the car enough times when Colton came for me. Doug guided the car up to the front of my house. Hunter got out, bouncing on his stronger leg.

“Be careful not to stress the ligaments in your leg. You don’t want to damage your muscle tissue.” I slipped from the backseat, pointing at the leg taking most of his weight.

He grunted in response but gripped the door to ease off his favored leg.

“Thank you, Doug.” I leaned over to look in the car.

“Anytime, pretty one.” He winked at me. It wasn’t creepy, just his charm.

I straightened and did not let my gaze land on Hunter. “Thanks,” I grumbled. “Bye.”

“Bye,” he responded as curtly.

I moved around him, and he got in the car and slammed the door. Walking up the path, I gave them a last glance. Doug smiled as he pulled the car away. Hunter didn’t look at me at all.

We would probably never like each other. There was much resentment and animosity even before the accident. But our shared loss connected us. I hated he was the only one who understood me.

No matter what I felt, I would be forever linked to Hunter Harris. And I wanted nothing more than to unlink us.