WALKING NERVOUSLY BESIDE me, one hand entwined with mine, the other grasping a takeout bag of pastries and bagels from The Coffee Cave, Cassi glanced around the yard that was in dire need of an overhaul. Autumn had at least painted the landscape in a pretty collage of orange, brown, and yellows, but now that winter edged closer and the days were shorter, a dreariness cast itself over the entire property. The limbs of the trees were bone bare, their leaves stripped and decomposing along the tiled paths. A rigid and blustery breeze blew across our faces and howled in our ears, creating an eerie symphony that was almost as sad as the man who we were going to see.
“Did you grow up here?”
I offered a small shake of my head. “No. I actually still live in the house I grew up in. A few years ago, my father signed me over the deed and bought this place for himself. I can promise you, it was in a much better state then than it is now.”
“It’s small. Looks peaceful.”
I laughed at her nicety. “It looks like shit. I know it. He knows it, but he doesn’t make an effort to do anything about it.”
“He must be really miserable.”
I had nothing to say to that. I didn’t want to defend him, and I certainly didn’t want to make up another excuse. I’d done enough of that over my lifetime. “I’ll clean it up myself come spring time. Might even hire a company to come out and take care of it. Will be quicker that way and will mean less time I have to spend here.”
Cassi squeezed my hand, and her simple gesture said so much more than she ever could. We climbed up the couple of steps, which led to the small wooden deck, and as we stopped in front of the door, I pulled in a deep breath and turned toward her. Having her by my side made it easier to be here, but guilt stabbed at me for subjecting her to this—to him. “You don’t have to do this. I know I invited you to come along, but that’s only because I was being entirely selfish and wanted you here. If you’d rather wait in the car, you can, or I can take you back to Addy and—”
“No. I’m here because you asked me and because I want to be here. I want to meet him.”
She wanted to be here.
Christ.
How did I get so lucky when it came to finding this woman?
On that thought, my heart panged in my chest as if it were delivering the answer I already knew, and I immediately pulled her into my arms. A twisting in my gut told me I’d likely regret bringing her, but it was too late. We’d made it this far and Cassi was stronger than she gave herself credit for. She could handle this. She’d greet him with a genuine smile on her face and gracefully accept every blow he delivered.
“I’m going to apologize now for his behavior.”
“It’s okay. As much as I hate to admit it, I think there might be a large part of me that will understand him. I understand what he’s going through. It’s not easy losing somebody, especially when that somebody was the love of your life.”
There was truth in her words, but they also hurt, slicing me open. The inflicted pain was unintentional, but at times, it felt as if I were sharing her with Adam, as if her heart still completely and entirely belonged to him and I had no chance of stealing a piece of it for myself.
“I know.” I dropped my lips to her forehead and kissed her before letting her go.
“Hey.” Sensing something was wrong, Cassi took my face in her hand, and I resisted the urge to lean into her touch. Her palm was warm, comforting, despite the twenty-degree weather outside. “You okay?”
I feigned a smile for her benefit. “Yeah. Let’s get this over with, shall we?”
Blowing a mouthful of air between pursed lips, I took a step back and knocked on the door. My heart slammed anxiously against my ribs as we waited, and when there was no answer, I rapped my knuckles for a second time. “Dad. Open up, it’s freezing out here!”
The door swung open a moment later, revealing my father, and I sighed in relief at seeing he was showered and dressed.
“You’re here. I didn’t think you were coming this week.” His eyes fell briefly on me before switching to Cassi where they remained, studying her as if she were a poster on a wall. “And you brought company.”
“Yes, I’m here. And, yes, I’ve brought company, so I’d appreciate it if we could keep it civil.” It wasn’t a request as much as it was a demand. I wanted her to meet my father, maybe help me understand him on a level I never could, but I refused to allow her to bear witness to our volatile relationship.
Giving me a quick jerk of his stubble-covered chin, he turned, leaving us standing there alone. My shoulders sagged, and I gritted my teeth. He seriously knew how to work every last one of my nerves. Annoyed, I yanked open the screen door and welcomed Cassi inside like he should have. With our fingers laced, I guided her through the living room, around the mismatched furniture, and into the kitchen. The table was still in the same nightmare of a state it had been last week, only now a new pile of mail sat waiting for me.
Dad sat down first, and as I helped Cassi out of her coat and shrugged out of mine, I introduced them. “Dad, this is Cassi. Cassi, this is my father, Robert Copeland.”
She presented him with a breathtaking smile and leaned closer, holding her arm across the table. “It’s nice meeting you, Mr. Copeland. Sam’s told me so much about you.”
He reluctantly took Cassi’s proffered hand and grumbled something that sounded a lot like “I’m sure he has.”
I rolled my eyes.
So much for attempting to be civil.
Taking it upon myself to interrupt before any further conversation ensued, I looked at Cassi. “This shouldn’t take long. I just need to write out some checks and make a few phone calls.”
“It’s okay. Take your time. I have no plans for today.” She sat on the edge of the chair, not entirely resting back, and rubbed her hands between her thighs. “It’s weird to think people still write checks. Wouldn’t it be easier to do everything online or electronically?”
“It would be, yes, but seeing as my father likes living in the Stone Age, we write checks. He hasn’t exactly adapted to this century yet. Have you, Dad?”
My father scowled, and Cassi rolled her lips together, attempting to hide whatever expression was working its way onto her face.
“Is anybody hungry? We brought bagels and muffins from the café.” Uneasy tension soaked the air, and I realized then Cassi was simply trying to lessen the animosity floating between the three of us. She stood from her seat and quickly made her way over to the counter, setting the brown bag down and looking completely lost. Of course, she was. This wasn’t her house. How the hell was she supposed to know where anything was located?
I glared at my father, whispering under my breath. “Stop being rude and go help her.”
He pushed out of his seat like a defiant child being reprimanded and walked over to where Cassi stood, pulling open drawers and cabinet doors to find the knives and plates. I watched with a cautious eye as he grabbed out exactly what she’d been in search of, and as Cassi unrolled the bag, stacking the containers of cream cheese on the counter, his next words skyrocketed my pulse.
“Why are you here?”
Cassi frowned. “Excuse me?”
“If you think you can use my son to mend your broken heart—”
“Jesus Christ, Dad!” I shot to my feet. My legs ate up the distance before either of them could blink, and as I came closer and saw the way Cassi’s entire body flinched, I lost it. Blood pumped viciously in my ears as I turned toward my father. “You’re a real asshole, you know that? She’s here because I asked her to come along. You don’t have to be such a—”
“Sam, it’s okay.”
“No. No, it’s not okay. Get your coat. We’re leaving. He can take care of his own goddamn bills.”
Cassi grabbed my arm, those big brown eyes of hers that I’d fallen so quickly in love with pleading with me as if I were the one making the situation worse. “Sam, please. Stay. Finish what you need to do, and I’ll just wait in the car.”
“Cass.”
“I’ll wait in the car.”
She gave me a tight smile that masked the hurt caused by my father’s heartless words and returned to the table, grabbed her coat, and quietly disappeared out of the kitchen in the direction of the front door.
My jaw worked from side to side as I stood there, my teeth clenched and anger flowing hot through my veins. “You have real nerve—real fucking nerve. She didn’t deserve that. And as much as I want to demand you go out there and apologize, I’m not going to. You’re not worthy of her forgiveness.”
“Son. I’m only trying to—”
“Trying to what? Ruin my life? Because I’m pretty sure you’ve already done that.”
“Goddamn it, Samuel! You’re acting like a flippant teenager. That woman has experienced a tremendous amount of pain. I know it. You know it. Trust me when I say it’s not something you easily move on from.”
“Nobody is denying she hasn’t had it easy, but just because losing Mom is something you haven’t been able to move on and cope with doesn’t mean Cassi won't be able to where Adam’s concerned. She’s not you, Dad. You don’t get to condemn her to that same fate.”
“Can’t you see I’m only trying to protect you.”
“Protect me?” I scoffed. Un-fucking-believable. “The only person I need protecting from these days is you.”
The anger I felt toward my father in that moment was indescribable, and the longer we remained there, giving each other the death glare, the more it grew. Being the bigger person, I walked away and threw myself onto the chair to finish the rest of his bills, ignoring his presence as he sat opposite of me.
Heat rushed up my neck and down my spine.
My pulse thundered violently in my ears.
How did we get to where we were? How had we allowed our relationship to spiral into one where communication was constantly misconstrued and the only thing we felt toward each other was contempt? I was beyond the point of believing we could be repaired. Cassi, on the other hand, didn’t deserve his hatred and hostility.
“I need you to make this right with her,” I said calmly, my hand shaking as I kept my focus glued on the check I was in the middle of writing. “I need you to fix this because, for the first time in my life, I’m not afraid of tomorrow. I’m not terrified of my future or what it holds, because when I think about it, the only thing I see is her.”
My father rested his arm on the table, sighing as if surrendering to a long and exhausting battle. “I don’t want to see you getting your heart broken.”
I held back a laugh. All this time and now he suddenly cared? Slicking my tongue across my lower lip, I shook my head and slowly lifted my gaze to his. “It’s not really my heart, now is it?”
Wrong. His weary and defeated eyes delivered the response before he gave it a voice.
“It became your heart the moment they placed it into your chest.”