I DIDN’T STOP.
Regardless of how badly my lungs ached and how out of breath I was, I continued to run as fast as my legs would carry me, putting distance between myself and this man—this man who owned a piece of my entire world.
Hot tears streamed down my cheeks, instantly cooling against my skin from the late September air.
“Closure,” Jenny had said. “Go for closure.”
I wasn’t sure closure was supposed to feel this way: to tear you open and leave you raw, to have you crying out in mind-numbing pain. Only, I wasn’t numb. I felt it. All of it. Every single emotion I wished I was incapable of experiencing.
Rounding the corner of Fifth Street, I disappeared into the empty alleyway and leaned against the brick wall of the building behind me, my chest heaving from exertion. I slumped forward and dropped my tear-soaked face into the palms of my hands, finally surrendering. As excruciating as it was, succumbing to the pain was easier than fighting it.
I was so tired of fighting it.
My knees gave out, and as I slid down the wall into a broken pile on the cold, hard ground, my mind immediately took me back to a time when smiling didn’t feel so impossible...
Adam turned the key in the ignition, killing the engine on the moving van as he swung his head around to look at me.
“Are you ready?” he asked, a mile-wide grin stretched across his handsome face.
I clapped my hands together and laced my fingers, my stomach aflutter with wings of anxiousness and excitement. This was a big step for us, the first of many.
“Yes!” My response rushed out on an enthusiastic squeal, and Adam wasted no time kicking his door open and quickly rounding the front of the van.
Yanking on the passenger side door handle, he reached in and helped guide me to my feet. He dipped his chin, lowering his mouth to mine as his hands circled my waist and pulled me flush against him. Without a second of hesitation, his tongue swept across my lips, searching and seeking out mine to dance. They collided in a heated samba of strokes and licks, and my knees weakened, causing me to fall farther into him.
Six years, Adam and I had been together, yet the way he kissed me and how he claimed my mouth as if it had always been his still sent a rush of desire rippling down my spine. My toes curled, and the tips of my fingers tingled. This kiss felt as alive and new as the very first one we’d ever shared.
Breaking our connection, he cupped my face in his palms, his green eyes alight with something indiscernible.
“What? What’s wrong?”
He wet his lips and dropped his head forward, laughing softly as we stood forehead to forehead. “Don’t look, but we have an audience.”
“An audience? What do you mean we have an audience?”
Ignoring his instruction, I turned around. Embarrassment flooded my cheeks as I caught sight of the elderly woman sitting on her porch staring at us. A needle and string of yarn occupied her hands, but if she were attempting to be subtle, she failed, miserably.
The old me, the me before Adam, would have quietly spun around and walked off, avoided interaction, much less confrontation, but Adam had brought out a side in my personality I never knew existed.
I was a livelier person because of him.
Figuring there was no better time to meet the new neighbors, I shot my arm in the air and waved like an ultimate fan girl meeting their favorite celebrity, a shit-eating grin on my face.
“Hi! It’s nice to meet you! We’ve just bought the house next to yours!”
The little old woman scowled, as if she were appalled by our public displays of affection or just appalled by the idea of us and having new neighbors and returned her attention to the blanket she’d been in the middle of crocheting.
“Well, hello to you, too,” I grumbled under my breath, twisting once again to face the love of my life. “Don’t think I’ll be knocking on her door asking to borrow a cup of sugar anytime soon.”
“I told you not to look.”
I arched a brow at his condescending tone. “You do realize that was a direct invitation to look, yes? Besides ...” I grabbed the sleeves of his jacket, tugging him closer and using it as leverage to kiss him for a second time. “You should know me by now. When do I ever listen?”
“You’re trouble. I think I’ve created a devil.”
“You love me.”
Amused by my antics, he shook his head and pressed his lips together to stop himself from laughing. “What the hell am I going to do with you, huh?”
“I can think of a few things.” I stepped out of his hold and winked, hurrying up the sidewalk as I yelled out, “But you can start by buying me premade cookie dough mix. I have a feeling I’m going to need it.”
Chuckling, he jogged behind me, grabbed my hand, and entwined our fingers as he took the lead and dragged me along to the house we now got to call home. We climbed the two-step patio and stopped in front of the large red door, both of our gazes falling to the brand-new welcome mat beneath our feet. Cranky neighbors be damned. This was our home. Our start. Our new beginning.
Adam pivoted on his heels and stared at me, his gaze so tender it caused my breath to catch. “My heart belongs to you, Cass.” He tucked a wisp of hair behind my ear. “Always forever, baby.”
Those words. They pierced right through my chest and weaved themselves around my heart, as if they were the life source that made it beat.
“And mine to you, Adam. Forever always.”
THAT WEAK AND tired feeling, the one you get after waking up from crying yourself to sleep, had been one I’d experienced nearly every morning for the past sixteen months. One would think I’d have been used to it by now, but I wasn’t.
I wasn’t sure I ever would be.
Swinging my legs off the couch, I forced myself into a sitting position and ran my fingers through my unruly hair, matted from a night’s worth of tears. I attempted to comb out the tangles and gave up when I realized the need was pointless. I had no plans of going anywhere today, and the characters in the TV show I was currently binge-watching had no idea what kind of hot mess I was at the moment.
Pushing myself from the couch, I ventured the few steps into the kitchen. The wood floor was cool beneath my feet, and as I grabbed the empty coffee pot and filled it with water, I decided to slip into a pair of socks and adjust the thermostat. September seemed to have swept in out of nowhere. Although, when your days ran together, and you lost all sense of time, paying attention to the months wasn't something that really crossed your mind.
At least, not for me, anyway.
I quickly started the coffee machine and headed down the hallway, retrieving a pair of socks from the clean laundry basket on top of the dryer and turning the heat up a few notches to remove the cool, autumn chill.
As I made my way back for my cup of coffee, dancing around on one foot in order to pull my socks on my feet, the doorbell rang.
My heart leaped against my ribs as though it was about to crash right through them. “Who is it?”
“Cass, it's me.”
Air seeped from my lungs on a sigh of relief as Jenny’s voice floated through the solid oak.
“Jen?”
Hurrying over to the door, I freed the lock from its hold and stepped back, opening it to reveal a fully dressed and vibrant Jenny. Not a blonde strand was out of place on her head, and her makeup was on point. How the hell did she do that? Make adulting look so easy?
“What are you doing here?”
She brushed past me, welcoming herself into my house, her arms folded tightly across her chest and a concerned expression on her face. “I didn't hear from you last night, and you didn't answer my calls or texts this morning. I was worried about you.” Walking over and leaning against the arm of my couch, she regarded me cautiously, her blue eyes flicking over me as if she were searching for answers before I’d even had a chance to offer them to her. “You okay? I take it last night didn't go—”
“As planned?” I frowned and shook my head, pushing the door closed. “No. Not at all. Not unless your idea of ‘going as planned’ is crying alone in a dark, vacant alleyway.”
As the words left my mouth, a humorless laugh accompanied them, and my frown slipped farther at my inability to be normal, to process my grief in a healthy way. My gaze dropped to the floor as I toed imaginary specks of dirt on the small area rug beneath my feet.
Pitiful, Cass. Real freaking pitiful.
“Oh, sweetie.” Jenny's voice grabbed me. “Look. You went, okay? It took a lot of courage to show up there. I'm so proud of you for taking that step.”
A swell of emotion clogged my throat, making it impossible to speak, and I lifted my head, giving my sister a small nod and willing the corner of my eyes to stop their incessant need to prickle.
Damn it. I was so tired of crying.
Tired of being broken.
“Are you doing anything today? Ryan has decided to take the kids to the zoo. I was sort of hoping we might have a sister day? Grab a cup of coffee and maybe see a movie or something?”
Twisting my lips to the side, I contemplated her offer. Going out was the last thing on my to-do list, but a change of scenery seemed like a good idea and spending time with Jenny was a rarity. “Yeah, okay.” I tossed my thumb in the direction of my bedroom. “I just need to shower and get ready.”
“No hurry. Take your time. I’ll sit here and wait.”
THE AIR TODAY was much colder than it had been the day before, and as we strolled down the sidewalk, appreciating the beautiful colors of the trees’ changing leaves, I adjusted my scarf to block out the bitter wind.
“Where are we going again?”
Jenny’s hand hovered over her eyes, shielding them from the sun’s early morning rays. “There is a coffee shop I’ve been dying to go to for the longest time. They supposedly have the best pumpkin spice lattes in town. Ryan stops in every now and then on his way to the office. It’s only a few more blocks down.”
“Did they recently open?” I asked, not sure why I was only now hearing of this place. I had lived in this town for nearly eight years, and my need for caffeine after so many restless nights had ensured I visited every coffee shop in existence.
She shook her head. “No. They’ve been open for a while, actually. Just one of those hidden gems only the locals seem to know about.”
“Locals, huh?” My mouth quirked up. “So then, what the hell are we?”
“Clueless.” Jenny laughed, the sound echoing softly as we continued our journey across town, our hands shoved in our pockets and our breath forming small clouds of mist in the cool air. “That would make us completely clueless.”
Allowing the grin that had been playing at my lips for the last fifteen minutes to take over, I shook my head and threaded my arm through hers. We shared a few more carefree laughs, stopping only when we reached the front door of the café. Tucked in a small row of shops, far enough away from the busy streets, the glass-windowed building sat. I tilted my head back to read the hand-painted sign hanging above us.
“The Coffee Cave. Well, if that couldn’t be any more appropriate.”
Jenny tugged me along. “Come on, let’s go.”
The bell overhead jingled as she pulled open the door, and as we stepped foot inside—my hands coming up to remove my scarf—we were instantly greeted by the smell of coffeehouse delights. I inhaled deeply, my stomach grumbling with a sudden need to be filled with whatever deliciousness this little shop had to offer.
Jenny glanced at me. Her lips spread across her face, and without saying anything, she moved. I fell in step behind her as we navigated around the small round tables occupied with people, my gaze roaming over the uniquely decorated interior.
Reaching the bar, we each pulled out a chair and shrugged off our jackets.
“Good morning, ladies.”
Our attention shifted to the elderly woman working behind the counter, her silver hair twisted in a high bun and a warm smile gracing her lips. Quickly wiping the space clean in front of us, she laid down two cardboard coasters.
“What can I get you this morning?”
Jenny perked up, resting her arms on the wood and clasping her hands out in front of her as she ordered for the both of us. “I’ll take a pumpkin spice latte, and she’ll have a hazelnut coffee.”
“You’ve got it.” Tossing us another cheerful smile, the barista turned on her heels and started on our orders, continuing to talk to us over her shoulder. “Not sure I’ve seen your lovely faces in here before. Is this your first time joining us?”
“It is, actually,” Jenny replied, dominating the conversation like she always had, and I felt a bit of relief that she was. Creating small talk wasn’t something I excelled in, not before Adam, and certainly not after. I had always been slightly introverted, and Adam had helped me break out of that shell, one that had reformed since his passing.
“Well, we’re glad to have you girls.” She spun back around, setting our drinks in front of us, a kindness in her gray eyes that permeated the air surrounding her. “My name is Adeline, but everyone calls me Addy.”
Jenny proceeded to introduce us, and after taking a sip of my coffee, I held out my hand for Addy to shake.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“You girls need anything at all, don’t be afraid to let me know, okay?”
I nodded, a friendly but genuine smile on my face. “Will do. Thank you, Addy.”
Within moments, she was on the move, working the counter and speaking to the customers who continued to filter in and out of the front door.
Hope bloomed in my chest as I sat sipping my coffee, a part of me glad I’d accepted my sister’s invitation. I missed spending time with her. I missed this sort of normal.
Rising to my feet, I smoothed my hands over the front of my jeans and leaned in close to Jenny’s ear, excusing myself to the restroom so I could wash my hands before eating the muffin she ordered for us to share. She gave me a brief nod, and as she continued to spark conversations with the people beside her, I worked my way toward the back of the shop where the bathrooms were located.
My gaze roamed, drinking its fill of the cozy little café and its array of diverse patrons, from the elderly couples enjoying their morning coffee to the college students trying to recover from their Friday night party hangovers.
I smiled to myself as I continued to the rear of the café, remembering what it was like to be high-spirited and happy, to not have to worry about anything other than making it to class on time and passing your next exam. Too bad life and adulthood didn’t come with a warning label.
Not paying mind to the steps I was taking, I nearly landed on my backside as I walked straight into a wall of firm muscle. A spicy, woodsy musk invaded my nose, the smell oddly familiar. Large hands steadied me, gently clasping my elbows, and as I regained my footing, I tilted my head to catch a glimpse of the stranger I’d so rudely collided into.
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t watch—”
My words died, and I gulped down what I swore was my heart as it climbed rapidly up and into my throat. I couldn’t move. Regardless of how loudly my mind screamed at me to run, to turn around and take off like I had the night before, I couldn’t. A force greater than I could control, much less understand, glued my feet to the ground and my eyes to his.
“No, no, it’s okay. I should have …” His voice trailed, his hazel gaze soft and lingering, as my heart slammed furiously beneath my ribs.
God, this can’t be happening right now.
After seconds that felt like an eternity, I managed to break off our connection. I looked over my shoulder, seeing Jenny deep in conversation with Addy, and then glanced at the front door, wondering how fast I could make a break for the exit.
“Ms. Porter.”
My eyes squeezed shut, the sound of my name rolling from his lips in whispered confusion, and I flinched in response.
Strong and gentle, his hands remained on my arms, and the heat from his palms penetrated the pores on my skin, seeping into my veins and warming my blood.
He must have sensed my unease, though, because he took a deliberate step back, quickly releasing me from the safety of his grasp.
Time stopped.
We were both caught in an intense moment—his mouth open, but no words forming, and my mind running circles—as I tried to figure out what had kept my feet from moving.
“I’m sorry, I’ll just—” He broke the silence, and this time, his deep voice sent an unexpected, but in no way unwelcomed, shiver to slip down my spine. He gestured to a booth along the far wall where a black leather jacket rested on its table. “I was just on my way out.”
A frown settled on my brow as I noticed his still-full coffee mug, and guilt slithered through me as I came to the conclusion he was simply leaving for my benefit.
He didn’t have to do that.
I was about to open my mouth to tell him it wasn’t necessary—he didn’t need to leave—but in the time it took me to turn my head and look at him, he had already walked away from me. I watched as he collected his jacket and shrugged it onto his shoulders before reaching into his rear pocket of his jeans and retrieving his wallet. He tossed a few bills on the table, leaving his coffee sitting there, untouched. As he strode toward the door, he waved his hand in Addy’s direction, and within a blink of an eye, he was gone.
Standing still, my heart and my mind racing, I waited for my pulse to steady and the feeling of relief to wash over me.
I waited.
And waited.
My heart beat faster. My mind continued to race. And without any instruction from me, my feet started to move.