BY THE TIME I arrived at my father’s house, the rain had started. I darted from my car and bolted up the path to his front porch, dodging the puddles and cursing myself for not remembering to bring an umbrella.
“Dad!” I pounded my fist against the wood, freezing water pelting me from every direction. “Open up; I’m getting soaked!”
The door swung open a moment later, and I stood, startled at how put together he appeared. He’d been showered and dressed at Thanksgiving, and I appreciated the effort given we were in the company of Cassi’s family, but seeing him like this—on a Sunday, nonetheless—I was at a loss for words.
“Well, come on. Get your ass in here, would you. We don’t need you getting sick and catching an infection.”
Snapping out of my stupor, I walked through the door and peeled off my coat, hanging it on the rack beside the door. As I turned to make my way into the dining room, I stopped, my eyes widening. “You cleaned.” I looked back at my father, wondering what the hell had gotten into him. “Are you feeling okay?”
He frowned at first, but his expression slowly sobered. “Yeah. I am, actually.” He slipped his hands into his pants pockets and cocked his head in the direction of the kitchen. “Why don’t we go sit at the table? I have a pot of decaf coffee going, and I picked up some fruit and sugar-free muffins from the store. You can have one, right?”
“Yeah,” I said softly, still standing there in disbelief. “One’s not going to kill me.”
We walked to the kitchen, and I immediately noticed the stacks of envelopes and junk mail that had sat piled on the table for weeks were gone. In their place sat four brand-new placemats, one positioned at each chair, and in the center was one of the last pieces my mother ever created. I stared at the white glass bowl, each side featuring a set of three hearts, all intricately woven together to create a larger uniformed one.
“Why three hearts, Momma?”
“One for each of us, my sweet boy. To remind you and your father that no matter how far apart we are our hearts will always remain together.”
The forgotten words pushed themselves front and center, and as I recalled my mother saying them, I remembered my father standing in the doorway, listening to her explain the significance of those hearts.
I glanced at him.
His hands rested atop one of the chairs, and he held my gaze. “I know I have a lot of work to do to make this right, but I want to make this right.” A single tear slipped down his cheek. “I want to be the father you always needed me to be, and if you’ll let me, if you’ll give me a chance, I’d like to start today.”
Blinking the sting from my eyes, I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “Today sounds like the perfect day.”
WHEN I RETURNED home, Cassi was gone. Not a note in sight or a warning of any kind. She’d simply disappeared. My immediate reaction to her absence had been disappointment, but that slowly shifted into worry and then all out panic. Something wasn’t right. The clothing I’d given her to wear lay haphazardly on the chair where her own had been neatly folded. A mug of coffee was knocked over on its side, its sticky, brown liquid pooling on top of my nightstand and creating a steady drip down to the stain on my carpet.
Whatever had caused her to leave clearly sent her bolting out the door.
Grabbing my phone, I unlocked the screen. Fear stirred low in my gut as I attempted to call her. The line rang and rang before going to voicemail.
I tried again. And again.
“Come on, Cass. Where are you? What’s going on?”
Three consecutive dials. No answer.
I didn’t want to be that guy, the person who automatically assumed the worst, but the current state of the room and the fact she’d left without so much as a reason why had me grabbing my keys and hurrying toward my car.
Traffic moved at a slow crawl as I drove across town, my impatience growing with every delay I encountered. Red lights. Sunday drivers. The elderly couple taking five hundred goddamn years to cross the street.
When I finally reached Cassi’s place, I didn’t bother knocking. Instead, I turned the knob and all but fell into her house as I pushed through the door, my heart a chaotic mess of panic and fear. “Cass?” Its erratic beats slowed as I spotted her across the room, and at the sound of my voice, she twisted on her heels. “There you are.” My shoulders relaxed as the built-up tension slowly slipped away. “Is everything okay? I came home, and you were gone. You didn’t answer your phone. I was worried.”
Her lifeless gaze flicked to her phone, where it rested on the table, and back to me. “I’m fine.”
That’s all she gave me.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Before I had a chance to take a step toward her, she spun away from me. Rain poured from the dark gray clouds in the sky, drowning everything in existence, and as I stood there listening to the droplets pound relentlessly against the glass, I watched a subdued Cassi stare blankly out of the patio doors. It was almost as if she were lost in her own little world, and I was afraid to walk over and make myself a part of it. I watched her a bit longer, my heart returning to a steady rhythm. It wasn’t until she pressed her finger to the fogged glass, dragging it along the wet pane, that I made the conscious decision to join her. At most, we’d been separated a couple hours, but my entire being pulsed with the need to be near her.
Walking up behind her, I snaked my arm around her waist and pulled her into my chest, nuzzling my face into the space between her shoulder and neck. Warm vanilla sugar filled my nose, the scent now a constant for me, and I closed my eyes, breathing her in. My lips trailed along her skin, pressing light kisses in their wake as I whispered in her ear. “You’re amazing, you know that?”
She didn’t say anything. Not a blush on her cheeks or an attempt to playfully bat me away like she’d done the previous one hundred times I’d told her. Her gaze was fixated on the path her finger was creating, and while a feeling of unease settled in my gut, I couldn’t help but smile at the pattern she’d traced.
Leaning over her shoulder, I pressed my finger to the glass, drawing an “S” on one side of the heart. I was getting ready to draw a “C” on the other when she stiffened in my hold. In the time it took me to release her, she lunged forward, her palms flattening against the pane, quickly wiping away the heart and the letter beside it.
“No, no, no.” Her voice shook. She didn’t look at me, but her reflection was easily discernible through the glass. Sadness painted her beautiful features, the same sadness that always appeared when she thought of him, of Adam. “You can’t … you—” Her next breath left her on a hiccupped sob, and as she turned to face me, lashes laced with tears and body trembling, she took off.
She didn’t let me hold her this time. She didn’t allow me a chance to soothe the pain. She left me standing with my heart in my throat and a sick feeling twisting my stomach.
The door to her bedroom slammed closed, and I flinched as the sound echoed and reverberated against the walls of the living room.
Blood whooshed in my ears.
What the hell just happened?
Confused, I remained in place, dragging a hand through my hair and contemplating my next move.
Three beats passed before I chased after her.
Smoothing my hand down my tense jaw and blowing out an anxiety-ridden breath, I knocked on the thick oak slab separating us. This was her house. I respected her privacy and her space, but I needed answers. I needed her to talk to me instead of shutting me out. I needed her to give me a piece of her heart, because damn it, she owned all of mine.
“Cass?” I knocked harder, determination fueling every strike of my fist. “Please open up.”
Not an utterance of sound floated through the cracks around the door, and I momentarily debated on letting her be. God knew, I’d give her whatever she needed, all the time in the world, but how could I after the night and morning we’d spent together? How could I walk away oblivious to what sent her running in the first place?
No. Fuck that.
We’d come way too far, shared too much, to take a step back.
Turning the handle, I slowly pushed the door open and stepped into the room I’d only ever entered once before. My eyes sought her out, my heart plummeting to the lowest depths of my stomach as my gaze landed on her petite frame, curled into a tiny ball in the center of her bed. Face soaked with tears, she lay with her knees hugged tightly as if she’d taken an excruciating blow to the chest, and the fierce need to protect her and comfort her had me erasing the distance between us.
“Baby?” I sat down beside her, placing a tentative hand on her hip, desperate to pull her into my arms. “What’s going on? Talk to me.”
She didn’t move. Hell, it didn’t even seem as though she’d made an effort to breathe. And if there was ever a sound so painful, it was Cassi’s intentional silence.
Resting my elbows on my knees and clasping my hands out in front of me, I lowered my gaze to my entwined fingers, blinking long and hard. My chest was tight and uncomfortable. First time it’d felt that way in weeks. “I know this is about Adam,” I said, rubbing the heel of my palm over my heart, over the indescribable ache. “I need you to talk to me.”
“I don’t want to talk.” She spoke through gritted teeth, a mild form of irritation accompanying her tone.
I screwed my eyes shut and inhaled deeply, searching for patience in a room that felt five times too small. “Why not?”
“Because I don't want to talk about him with you. Not about this.”
Her words tore right through my chest, cinching my heart, squeezing it like a goddamn vise grip. They hurt. Really fucking hurt. “I need you to talk to me, Cassi. I need you to talk to me, because right now, this is different, okay? I can’t keep—”
“I forgot.” Flipping around, she sat up. Her shoulders sank against her headboard, her white silk bed sheet clenched tightly in her hands as she lifted her chin in my direction. A frown contorted her lips, and tears spilled from the corner of her eyes. “Today is mine and Adam’s anniversary, and I forgot.”
“Cass ...” I reached for her, and she jerked away, as if my touch would burn her, and as much as her reaction burned me, I let it go. Guilt was a vicious emotion, one that assaulted me daily. It was a hard battle to be won, and I knew dealing with it was far from easy. “I didn’t know, baby.”
“Of course, you didn’t.” She laughed, but it was grating, humorless. “But I did. It’s my job to know, and yet I forgot because I was so wrapped up in you. I was too busy having sex with you.”
She’d said the word with vehemence, as if what we’d shared, what we’d done, was a dirty act of betrayal.
“Sex?” The muscle along my jaw ticked, and I fought the hurt raging inside me. “Jesus, Cass. Way to make it sound like a fucking sin.”
Cassi frowned, the bitter change in my tone redirecting her guilt. “You know that’s not what I meant.”
“Do I?” I ran my sweat-slicked hands over my thighs and shook my head. “Because that’s exactly how it sounded. And honestly, I’m not quite sure what the hell is happening right now.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
I stood, ready to leave, because my emotions were all over the damn place and I wasn’t sure I was cut out for this shit, but a single glance at her had me returning to her side. I took her hands in mine, fearing it might be the last time I ever got to touch her, knowing it was time to lay it all out for her. I peered into her eyes, wanting her to see me. Me. Not him, but me. “Remember that day in the café? When I told you I saw you?”
She gave me a small nod.
“That day, I saw a woman who was beyond broken. A woman who thought everything good in her life had ceased to exist, but do you want to know what else I saw?”
“What?”
“I saw the woman who owned my heart.” Pausing, I stared down at the gentle strokes my thumbs made against her skin and swallowed around the thickness swelling my throat. “I didn’t think anything of it at the time, because I knew it wasn’t my heart, but it was his. It was Adam’s. It was Adam’s heart that took off in my chest every time I saw you. It was his heart that raced when I caught a glimpse of your smile or heard the sweet sound of your voice. It was his heart that broke every time I’d see a tear fall from your eye or hear you cry.” I lifted my head and met her watery eyes. “But over these last three months, I've come to realize something, Cassi. I've realized that although I have the heart of him … it's no longer his. It's mine, and I’m me. I’m Sam. I’m just a guy who is sitting in front of the woman he has hopelessly fallen in love with, hoping and praying that maybe, just maybe, she’s falling in love with him, too.”
Silence, loud and painful, permeated the air as I stared at the woman who I’d just openly poured my heart out to. I stared at the delicate lines of her beautiful face and the curves of her body that felt incredible pressed against my own. I stared at the woman who had consumed my every waking and sleeping thought from the moment I met her—who held this place in my heart only she could fill—and I was hit with the sad realization that everything I felt and everything I wanted, wasn’t enough.
It’d never be enough, because I wasn’t him.
I wasn’t Adam.
It was said there came a point when we realized some people were meant to stay in our hearts but not in our lives.
This was that moment.
Clearing my throat, I pushed the words from my mouth—words that didn’t need to be said because they were written clear across her face.
“But she's not, is she?”
It sounded like a question, but I didn’t want her answer. I didn’t want her response because I already felt the pain from her expression cutting into my chest, tearing me open. Hearing her reiterate what was so blatantly clear would completely shred me apart.
Unmoving, I glanced around the room scattered with Adam’s memory. His clothing still hung in the closet, and his glasses and watch rested on top of the dresser. The smell of his cologne lingered on the linens covering the bed, for fuck’s sake, and the thought she’d never truly been mine, that everything we’d shared had been a lie, made me sick. Bile swirled in my stomach, ascending my intestinal tract and burning the back of my throat.
I couldn’t do this anymore.
Addy had asked me to be patient, and I could do patient, but I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t give her the best fucking part of me and then watch regret form in her eyes.
That, I couldn’t fucking do.
With a sad shake of my head, I rose to my feet. I needed to leave.
“Sam, wait.”
I turned to look at her, my heart constricting beneath my ribs as I caught sight of the glassy tears coating her dark brown eyes, and everything inside of me begged me to go to her, to wrap her up in my arms and put an end to her sadness.
But what about mine?
Who was going to cure the pain in my heart?
“Please don’t go.”
“Don’t go?” I dragged my lower lip between my teeth to steady it and dropped my head.
I closed my eyes, searching for the strength to make the right choice, to make the right decision, but I didn’t know what the fuck that was. I didn't know what was wrong or right anymore. All I knew was that loving her, while she was still wholeheartedly in love with him, was something I couldn't do.
Bringing my head forward, I looked straight at her. I looked into her eyes and spoke directly to her heart, silently praying it heard me—heard my words loud and clear. “Give me a reason to stay. Give me a reason to not walk out this door.”
I gave her a moment, a moment that equated a lifetime as I stood there watching her, waiting. The corner of my eyes stung, the burning sensation that accompanied the formation of tears making it difficult to keep them open and focused.
Yet, I waited.
And I waited.
And because I wasn’t ready to walk away from the best damn thing to ever happen in my life, I made one final plea. “Please, Cass. Give me one reason. Just one.”
Nothing.
No words.
No expressions.
The only thing to exist was this feeling in my heart I couldn’t ever recall experiencing. This sharp, piercing ache that stole my breath and slowed down my entire world.
“How does your heart feel?”
Broken.
Completely. Fucking. Broken.
I took one last look at her, and because there was absolutely nothing left to say, I turned. I walked toward the door, my feet halting as I neared the tall dresser beside it.
On top sat a picture of Cassi and a man who I assumed was Adam. My hands curled into fists, hurt and anger and a million other emotions warring through me.
Fuck you, Adam.
Fuck you and your goddamn heart.
Ignoring the voice telling me to let it be and leave, I picked up the framed photo, my brows narrowing as my gaze roamed over the face of the ghost I’d been battling the last three months.
The ghost who finally had a face—a name.
I shook my head, my breath dying somewhere between my lungs and throat as the frame slipped through my fingers.
It crashed to the floor, along with the heart I’d suddenly wished I’d never received.