DESPITE EVERY CELL screaming at me to get up and stop him, I didn’t move. I let him walk out, my body frozen in a state of shock at the words that had tumbled so freely from his mouth—as if they didn’t have the power to change my entire world—and continued to linger in the space between my head and my ears.
“I’m just a guy, who is sitting in front of the woman he has hopelessly fallen in love with, hoping and praying that maybe, just maybe, she’s falling in love with him, too.”
He was in love with me?
Air punched from my chest, and the tears streaming down my face fell faster.
Closing my eyes, I breathed deeply through my nose, attempting to force oxygen into my lungs, and I was immediately taken back to that day, back to the night when pain and sadness had become the only emotion I was capable of feeling ...
Hand in hand, Adam and I walked toward the front door of our house, my body colliding with his as he came to an abrupt stop. He spun on his heels, pressing a kiss to my forehead and gliding his large palms up my arms where they rested on my shoulders.
“Close your eyes.”
“Close my eyes?” My lips twisted to the side, a brow rising in suspicion. “Why?”
“Must you always question me?”
I grinned up at him. “I wouldn't be me if I didn't.”
“No … no, you wouldn’t.” He laughed in agreement. “Close your eyes, Cass.”
Submitting defeat, I drew in a breath and huffed air from my nose, squeezing my eyelids shut and wondering what he possibly had up his sleeve.
The click of the lock sounded in my ears, followed by the warmth of his hands as they took a hold of mine, gently tugging me along. A sweet smell wafted in the air, something fragrant and floral, and I resisted the urge to peek, curious to discover the cause of the intoxicating scent.
“What are you up to, mister?”
“Don't open your eyes. Not yet.”
I chuckled, the panic in his tone making me melt a little as he continued to carefully guide me around. I had no idea what he was up to, but this was Adam. We'd been together nearly six years, and yet he still made an effort to surprise me in little ways, to make me feel special, even after all this time.
Our footsteps stopped.
My heart sped up in anticipation, and as my mouth fell open to ask another question, the soft flesh of his mouth covered mine. Slow and tender, his lips coaxed and teased, his tongue taking advantage and dipping inside as I released a small whimper. Our kiss grew deeper, more urgent, and before it had a chance to progress any further, Adam pulled back, leaving me feeling desperate, weak, and tingly all over.
“Open your eyes.”
My lashes flicked up, and my breath died at the base of my throat as my gaze roamed around our living room. Hundreds of rose petals in an array of vibrant colors sprinkled the floor and lay scattered about the furniture. Vases full of dozens more sat upon every flat surface imaginable. Candles of varying shapes and sizes bathed the room in their subtle glow, and I couldn't fathom why he’d gone through all the trouble to put on such an elaborate display.
“Adam ...” My voice floated free on a disbelieving whisper as I stood there, awestruck. “Why did you …”
Possessive arms circled my waist, and as he yanked me against him, he lowered his mouth to mine and kissed me again. This time, his movements were slow and tender, and the emotion soaring through me was almost overwhelming. Adam and I might not have been married, much less engaged, but this … this was forever always.
Happiness in its purest form.
Pulling back—only long enough to reach in his pocket and select a song from his phone’s playlist—Adam swayed us softly to the music. My head rested against his chest and our fingers entwined.
“I love you, Cass. My heart belongs to you. Always forever.”
I nestled my face deeper into his warmth, closing my eyes and inhaling the spicy musk of his cologne as I listened to the rhythmic sound of his heart beats. “And mine to you, Adam. Forever always.”
I wasn’t sure how much time passed or how long we danced, but when the flames on the smaller tealight candles began to die, some of them extinguishing completely, Adam took my hand and walked me over to the couch. As we moved to sit, I assumed we’d curl up together like we’d always done, but he didn’t form our usual position. Instead, he sat with his elbows resting on his knees and his face in his palms. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and a sudden dryness invaded my throat as I stared at the wary expression filling the handsome lines on his face.
Something wasn’t right.
“Is everything okay?” I asked, my stomach swirling with sudden unease.
The muscle along his jaw thrummed. Finally, he turned to face me, his eyes flashing with an emotion that looked a lot like fear. “You love me, Cass?”
“Of course, I love you, Adam. Why …” My pulse kicked up several notches. “What’s going on? You’re scaring me.”
Scooting closer, he cupped my hands and brought them to his lips, placing tender kisses against my knuckles. “I’m sorry, baby. I don’t mean to scare you. There is just something I need to talk to you about.”
“What is it?” My voice escaped on a rush, my impatience growing at his lack of forthcomings. “Tell me.”
“I’ve been offered a position in L.A.”
“L.A.?” My head jerked back. “As in, Los Angeles, California?”
“Yeah.”
I looked at him, shocked, if that was even a strong enough word to describe my reaction. “Well, you’ve told them no, right? I mean, we’ve just bought this place. This is our home. We can’t just …” God, I didn’t even know what I was saying. My mind was trying to process everything all at once, and I was waiting for Adam to say something, to reassure me we weren’t going anywhere. “You’ve told them no, right?”
He remained silent.
“Adam?”
My knee performed a rhythmic bounce, and I folded my arms over my chest, a sick feeling taking root in my stomach.
“I haven’t given them an answer yet.”
He hadn’t given them an answer yet? Why wouldn’t he …
“Oh my God. You want to accept it, don’t you?”
This time, there was no hesitation. His reasons parted his lips, ready to convince me this was what was best for us.
“It would be a wonderful opportunity. The pay is nearly four times what I’m making now, and we can buy a new house, one much bigger. We can put this one on the market. I’ve already talked to Sasha. She said it was a high demand property when we bought it a few months ago, and she has no doubt it will sell right away.”
“You’ve already talked to Sasha?” He had talked to our realtor and hadn’t told me? Confused, I shook my head, not believing the words spewing from his mouth and reaching my ears. “I don’t want a bigger house. I want this house. I want to live here, in New Jersey, where we are surrounded by our friends and family.”
“We can come back and visit whenever you want. I’ll be making more than enough money to afford the airfare, and we can fly everyone out to us.”
“Do you hear yourself right now?” I pushed to my feet, pacing the floor with my hands on my hips. “You want to move us clear across the country. My job is here, Adam. My job. Here.”
“So you quit. It’s not exactly the job of a lifetime, Cassi. The pay is shit, and there is absolutely no room for advancement. You can find something much better in L.A. I mean, you work at a food bank, for crying out loud.”
The words flew from his mouth like bullets, piercing my chest in what was a deliberate attempt to pull a reaction from me, or better yet, get me to agree to his absolutely insane, not-well-thought-out plan.
My hands curled into fists at my sides, my nails digging into the flesh of my palms as I fought against the hurt and frustration filling my veins. “I can’t believe you just said that. I can’t believe—” I stopped short, huffing an irritated breath from my nose and clamping my mouth shut to prevent myself from saying something I’d regret. Adam and me, we’d had our fair share of arguments and disagreements over the years, but never had he said anything so hurtful. “Why don’t you tell me how you really feel?”
“Come on, Cass. You know I didn’t mean it like that.”
I couldn’t look at him. Not while I was having a hard time understanding why he wanted to pick up and move, to leave everything we had—everything we’d ever known—behind.
Why? For money? For a promotion?
Was that more important than the life we’d already started to build?
Hot and fast, tears welled in my eyes, and I bit down on my bottom lip to stop it from trembling. My watery gaze drifted over the display of roses and candles, and I shook my head in disappointment, finally realizing why he felt the need to carry out such an over-the-top gesture.
The truth was obvious, wasn’t it? He had already made up his mind without me. This was simply a persuasion, a way to lessen the blow. As if flowers and candles would somehow make me agree.
“You want to go to L.A., Adam? Go yourself.”
Angry and hurt and not at all thinking rationally, I twisted on my heels and hurried to our bedroom, stealing his chance to respond.
“Cassidy!”
Ignoring his full use of my name, I closed the door behind me and locked it. I crawled into the bed we shared and buried myself under a cocoon of blankets, gripping my pillow tightly as the tears finally escaped, cascading down my cheeks.
A knock on the door echoed around the otherwise quiet room. “Cassi, please.” His voice held a level of desperation. “This wasn’t how this night was supposed to go.”
“Go away, Adam. I want you to go.”
A heavy, resigned breath penetrated the cracks in the doorframe, and it was only a matter of seconds before the sound of his footsteps dissipated and the front door of our house slammed closed.
Good.
The big jerk.
Perhaps he’d think long and hard about his ridiculous proposal before coming back.
ROLLING ONTO MY hip and blinking awake, I smoothed my arm across the empty space beside me. My heart ached in my chest all over again as I remembered the fight Adam and I had a few short hours ago. I sat up, pushing the unruly strands of my hair from my face, and glanced around our bedroom. Pictures of us hung on the walls, and although we hadn’t lived there long, memories were already painted in every room, across every surface.
This was our home.
How could he want to pack up and leave?
Eyes red and puffy from crying myself to sleep, I swung my legs off the mattress and padded across the soft, plush carpet to the bathroom. I flipped the light switch on the wall and moved to the sink to rinse my face. The entire house was cloaked in silence, and I briefly wondered if Adam had fallen asleep on the couch. Normally, he’d crawl into bed and demand we make up, because he hated the thought of us falling asleep mad at each other and leaving our disagreements unresolved.
Not tonight, though.
A pang of guilt jabbed my chest knowing he wasn’t able to because I’d locked the bedroom door. But damn it, I was mad and hurt, and the last thing I wanted to see was his stupidly good-looking face that had a way of getting me to agree to anything. Drying the water from my skin, I returned to our bedroom. My gaze bounced between the bed and the door, my mind and my heart contemplating which way to venture.
Heart overruling thoughts, I headed straight for the door and unlocked it, slipping quietly into the living room in case Adam was asleep. We needed to talk, and this time, I was ready to listen with open ears and an open mind. He was my forever always, and regardless of where we lived, that would never change. If he wanted this, if he truly wanted this, then I would go. For him, I’d do anything, because all that mattered was that we were together.
Hurrying over to the couch—the silky rose petals still littering the floor tickling the soles of my feet—I allowed my gaze to scan the unoccupied cushions.
My heart sank.
“Adam?”
The room was quiet. Too quiet. I glanced around, my throat thick as I realized he’d never come home. He’d left hours ago. This wasn’t like him. It wasn’t like him at all. Moving over to the coat rack, I pulled my cell from my pocket and pressed the unlock button, my heart sinking further at the lack of missed calls or notifications on the screen. Pressing his speed dial, I brought the phone to my ear and listened to the line ring.
And ring.
And ring.
“Hey, this is Adam. Leave me a message, and I’ll call you back.”
Beep.
“Adam … baby, it’s nearly one a.m. and you’re still not home. I’m not sure where you are, and I know I told you to go, but I was just upset. I’m sorry. Please come home so we can talk, and call me as soon as you get this, okay? I’m worried about you. I love you, forever always.”
Ending the call, I returned to the couch with my phone clenched in my hand, waiting for it to ring. I sat there, forcing myself to stay awake as long as possible before my tired eyes won the battle and I succumbed to the darkness.
BROUGHT OUT OF my sleep by the obnoxious ringing of my phone, I straightened myself and rifled through the pillows surrounding me. Spotting it wedged between a cushion and the arm of the couch, I fished it out and answered the call.
“Adam?”
“Hi, I’m looking to speak with a Ms. Cassidy Porter.”
I frowned at the unfamiliar female voice. “This is she.”
“Hi, Ms. Porter. My name is Emily Tate. I’m calling from Liberty Medical Center in regard to a Mr. Adam Hoffman. I’m afraid there’s been an accident.”
OUT OF BREATH and tears streaming down my cheeks, I rushed through the sliding doors of the emergency room, my flip-flops slapping against the hard linoleum floor before skidding to a halt in front of the registration station.
At my sudden appearance, the nurse working the desk abandoned her computer and lifted her head. “May I help you?”
“Uh, hi, yes.” I forced a mouthful of air into my lungs and placed a hand over my chest, my heart beating frantically. “My name is Cassidy Porter. I received a phone call a little bit ago regarding my boyfriend, Adam Hoffman. He was involved in a car accident and brought in by ambulance.”
Recognition dawned on her face. “Yes. I’m Emily, the nurse you spoke with on the phone.” She pointed over to a small area off to the right of her desk, filled with rows of green chairs, their plastic cushions matching the dull green paint on the walls. “If you’d like to have a seat right over there, I’ll page the doctor for you.”
“Is he okay? Is Adam okay?” The questions spilled from my mouth, and I swear my heart stalled as I waited for her response.
She gave me a sad look, quickly masking it so her face was void of any emotion—something I suspected she’d been trained to do—and reiterated her previous command. “Please have a seat, Ms. Porter. Dr. Russell will be down momentarily to speak with you.”
I inhaled deeply, trying to catch my breath. Why couldn’t she just answer my question? Surely, she saw the worry washed across my face. Didn’t she? “Okay.” I sniffed back my tears and nodded. “Okay, thank you.”
Walking over to the chairs, I sat, my knee jittering restlessly. Time passed. An hour. Minutes. Days. I wasn’t really sure. All I wanted was for the doctor to come out and tell me Adam was okay. I was desperate to see him—desperate to wrap my arms around him and tell him I loved him, and I was sorry … so damn sorry.
My chest hurt. My eyes were puffy and sore, and my lips were chapped and broken.
What was taking so long? Where was the doctor? Why was nobody giving me answers?
Dropping my forehead to the heel of my hand, I reached into my purse to pull out another tissue.
“Ms. Cassidy Porter.”
My head shot up. I rose to my feet, my gaze landing on a middle-aged man with dark brown hair and a set of black-rimmed glasses. “Yes.”
Dressed in blue scrubs and a white coat, he walked straight toward me, a stethoscope around his neck and a clipboard in his hands. Beside him was an elderly gentleman, clothed in more casual attire but whose large and brooding frame was hidden beneath a similar coat.
“Ms. Porter, I’m Dr. Thomas Russell. And this is Dr. Calvin Parks. He’s our neurologist and part of the team caring for Adam.” He stopped a foot away, holding his hand out for me to shake. “Just to confirm, you’re the girlfriend of Mr. Adam Hoffman, is that correct?”
“Yes. How is he?”
Pressing his lips together, Dr. Russell glanced around the packed waiting room and then back at me. “Why don’t we go somewhere a little more private. If you’ll follow us, please.”
The men started down the brightly lit hallway, and I followed quickly beside them. We navigated the wing, passing nurses and doctors, as well as patients with varying ailments, and finally entered what appeared to be a small office. A desk sat in the center of the room, and two chairs, similar to the ones in the waiting room were positioned in front of it.
Dr. Russell waved his arm out, offering me a seat. “If you’d like to have a seat—”
“No, thank you. I’d like to know what’s going on. I’d like to see Adam, please.”
With a grim twist of his mouth, Dr. Russell sat on the edge of the desk, one leg extended to support his weight, and placed the clipboard down beside him. He rubbed his palms together. “Why don’t we start off with you telling us what you already know, and I’ll try to avoid repeating any unnecessary information.”
Why did it matter what I knew? Why wouldn’t he just take me to see him?
Swallowing the rock in my throat, I pushed the nightmare from my mouth. “Adam was involved in a car accident.”
“Are you aware of the severity of Mr. Hoffman’s injuries when he was brought into the emergency room?”
I shook my head, the corner of my eyes stinging once again, as the hold I had on my coat tightened.
“Mr. Hoffman suffered severe blunt force trauma to his head and upper and lower torso. Upon arrival to the emergency room, he was immediately rushed into surgery where my team and I worked to stabilize his condition. We were able to stop the bleeding, but the severity of his head injuries was of our utmost concern.”
Dr. Parks cut in. “We ran several tests including an EEG and apnea test, all of which have determined the absence of any life-sustaining brain function.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t—” Life-sustaining brain function? What did that even mean? “I don’t understand.” My eyes flicked between the two men, searching for clarity.
Dr. Parks frowned. “It is with my deepest condolences that I inform you as of five twenty-two a.m. Mr. Hoffman has been declared clinically brain dead. Any ongoing treatment will cease and will only remain in place until close family and friends have had their chance to say goodbye and his organs have been—”
“What? No …” Pressing my palms to my temples, I stumbled away from him. Away from this man who was telling me my Adam—my forever always—was gone. “God, no. Please no.” The walls in the small room closed in. All available oxygen slowly faded out. “No, no, no …” The sob wrenched from my throat, the same cry leaving my lips over and over, as if it had the power to magically reverse everything he’d told me.
It wasn’t true.
It couldn’t be true.
Dr. Russell stood, or maybe it was Dr. Parks. I couldn’t remember. It was like I’d been sucked into a haze. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Ms. Porter. If there is anything my staff can do for you at this time—”
Blood pounded in my ears, drowning out whoever’s voice it was at the same time my back collided with a wall. My lungs gave way. My knees collapsed. My body crumpled to a broken pile on the cold, hard floor as my purse landed beside me, spilling everything with it.
“No.” Breathless, I clung to my chest. “Please no.”
I couldn’t breathe.
Pain unlike anything I’d ever experienced before radiated from where my heart used to be, because it was gone. It was as if someone had cut me wide open and ripped out the very thing keeping me alive. Bile swished in my stomach, and I pulled my knees to my chest, sobbing uncontrollably.
It wasn’t until I heard my mother's soothing voice and felt Jenny’s supportive arms surround me that I knew I was no longer alone.
“We’re here, Cass. We’re here.” Jenny pressed her lips to my forehead, holding me tightly, rocking me gently as her tears dripped into my hair.
I curled into her chest, choking on the words I didn’t want to say. “He’s gone. Adam’s gone.”
***
NUMB.
My entire body was numb.
I couldn’t feel my legs as Jenny guided me through the waiting room, stopping briefly at the nurse’s station to collect the small bag of things Adam had within his pockets after we’d said our final goodbyes. She didn’t wait for me to grab it. Instead, she picked it up from the top of the desk and then wrapped an arm around my waist, walking me in the direction of her car and not my own. My limbs were functioning, yet every movement was powered by autopilot. Never-ending pools of water filled my eyes, blurring my vision. My face and my shirt were soaked with tears, and as I sat on the passenger seat in Jenny’s car, I stared blankly out of the window.
How did this happen? How could he possibly not be here when less than twelve hours ago I was being showered in his kisses and listening to his heartbeat? How could he be gone?
He can’t be gone.
My throat locked, and I tried to swallow the onslaught of emotion, but I couldn’t. Noticing my struggle, Jenny looked over at me, her worried voice reaching me on a gentle whisper. “Are you okay, Cass?”
Am I okay? No. No, I'm not okay.
My forever always is gone, and I'm not okay.
Pain leeched its nasty claws into my chest, shredding me into a thousand pieces. “He's gone, Jenny,” I sobbed. “He's gone. And it’s all my fault. I let him walk right out that door, and I didn't stop him. I didn't fucking stop him. I told him to go, to leave. I was mad and hurt because he wanted to pack up and move to L.A. I locked the bedroom door and didn't let him in. I didn’t let him in. Why the hell didn’t I just let him in?”
Oh God. I couldn't breathe.
The acid in my stomach rose, and sensing I was about to lose my insides all over her car, Jenny quickly swerved off the highway, pulling over on the side of the road. She thrust the shifter into park, and the bag resting on my lap tumbled to the floor. Its contents spilled at my feet. Frantic, I reached down, attempting to collect what remained of Adam when my fingers brushed against a small velvet box. Confused, I picked it up, my brain taking a moment to register what I held in the palm of my hands.
No … no, no, no.
I shook my head, hot tears racing down my cheeks as I opened the lid. My eyes landed on the sparkling diamond ring tucked safely inside, and my breath died on a shuddering gasp. I turned to look at Jenny, barely able to get the words out. “He was going to propose?”
She nodded, her tears streaming fast as her face twisted in sadness. “Tonight. He was supposed to propose tonight. We knew. We all knew, Cass. About the proposal. About L.A. Adam wanted you to go with him. We all know how much you love him. We all thought you'd agree—”
My head shook faster, the crippling pain in my chest spreading to every cell in my body. “No, God no. Please, Jenny, no.”
“He was going to ask you to marry him after you said yes.”
“But I didn't say yes.”
I didn't say yes, and I should have said yes. If I’d said yes, he'd still be here.
He'd still—
Choked by the thought, I couldn’t get any words out. This was my fault. Adam was dead, and it was all my fault. I stared at the ring, its brilliance smiling at me in shades of red, blue, and green as the early morning sun collided with the facets on the diamond, and I closed my eyes.
“I'll go with you. I'll go to L.A. Just come back to me. Please come back.”
“Come back.”
My voice was a hoarse whisper as the ticking sound of my alarm clock grew louder, forcing me into my current reality and the emptiness of my room. An excruciating pain throbbed in my chest, and I was unsure if it was a result from the memory of losing Adam or letting go of Sam.
Sam.
He loved me.
He was in love with me.
I buried myself deeper in my blankets, allowing the tears to fall as the last fifteen minutes played on repeat. Watching Sam walk out of the door and not having the courage to stop him was as hard as walking out of the hospital without Adam. Everything in me wanted to open my heart and make a permanent space for Sam there, but I didn’t know how to process his feelings, much less make sense of my own. How did I forget about the life I never got to live and embrace the one that was slowly slipping between my fingers?
For the next three hours, I tossed and turned, unable to fall asleep. The pain was too vast, the ache too great. And the only thing to occupy my mind was Sam.
Maybe it wasn’t a matter of making a space.
Maybe he’d had a spot all along.