Chapter Twenty

The morning light was spilling into the room, waking Trevor from a dream that he couldn’t remember, but had obviously been pretty great considering the grin on his face. He scrubbed at his face with a hand, opening one eye slowly squinting and cursing the fact that they hadn’t pulled the blinds the night before.

“Fuck,” he said emphatically.

Nick groaned, rolling over and smashing his face into Trevor’s shoulder. Trevor’s grin widened as he ran a hand through Nick’s hair, nuzzling at his temple. The soft, comforting moments were his favorite. Most of his partners hadn’t been the cuddling in bed kind, and Trevor hadn’t seen the appeal before. With Nick, it was different. Perhaps because Nick was definitely not a morning person and was more inclined to wake up when Trevor was cuddling with him.

“Morning.”

Muttering something less than savory, Nick waved a hand and then laid it on Trevor’s stomach, breath evening out. Trevor rolled his eyes at the ceiling, though he couldn’t wipe the smile from his face. Even with Nick falling back asleep, eating into Trevor’s precious morning time with his little girl, he couldn’t bring himself to move and dislodge Nick.

Except, of course, when his bladder made itself known.

“Sorry,” Trevor mumbled, kissing Nick’s forehead and rolling out of bed. There was another dissatisfied grumble from the bundle of blankets, but Trevor snorted, disappearing into the bathroom and shutting the door. Now that he was up and awake, Trevor decided to shower, washing away the last vestiges of the previous day and setting up a new. He’d get Gabrielle up, get her situated with her coloring or numbers, and then he and Nick could talk.

When he came out of the bathroom, Nick was awake and up in bed, and Trevor started to grin at Nick’s disheveled state. It fell when he saw the look on Nick’s face. “What is it?”

Nick made a face, eyebrows drawn down and turned his phone, that he was staring at intently so that Trevor could see. Crossing to the bed, Trevor could make out the familiar logo of a hockey blog and felt sick to his stomach at the headline.

Trevor Raines has a daughter – brings her and nanny to game!

“They’re not wrong,” Trevor pointed out. He thought of what Jetty had said after the game. “You’re Gabrielle’s nanny. Why wouldn’t you be there?”

“Because,” Nick started, slow like he was choosing his words carefully. “Your mom could have brought her to the first game.”

Trevor shook his head, as much to deny as where this conversation was headed as it was the train of thought. “Gabrielle wanted you.”

“Because you and I,” Nick continued, looking stricken. “We’re the only two people she interacts with on a regular basis. She video calls with your mom and sisters sometimes, and we occasionally go somewhere she’ll have other kids to play with, but most of the time? I’m the only person who isn’t family that she sees. Why wouldn’t she choose me?”

“What are you saying?” Trevor’s voice hitched, and he had to take a couple of steps back from the bed. Fuck.

Nick ran his hands over his face, into his hair. He was staring at the phone, eyes wide, and swallowed a couple of times. “I don’t know.”

Trevor dropped the towel into the laundry basket, turning his back on Nick. He had to clutch at the dresser and breathe a while before he could make himself say something.

“I’m the first person you’ve been with since Clara,” Nick pointed out. “I’m living in your house. I care for Gabrielle. I’m around you most of the time.”

“What’s your point?” Trevor snapped, knowing he wouldn’t like the culmination of this conversation.

“They should have focused on your daughter,” Nick pointed out, though that was a leap away from his previous points. “Instead, they choose to focus on the fact that you took your nanny to a game when most people take their wives or girlfriends with their children.”

“And that has exactly what to do with the fact that apparently, you’re the only person in my life right now?” Trevor couldn’t keep the bitter tone out of his voice as he whirled around. “Lay it on me, Nick. You clearly have as many opinions as my teammates about this.”

“Your teammates said shit?” Nick’s face paled and Trevor would have regretted mentioning it at all if his stomach wasn’t churning with anger. He clenched his hands into fists as Nick scrubbed his hands over his face again, eyes wide and wet as he stared at Trevor. “Trevor.”

“No. Go ahead,” Trevor said, waving a hand. “What did you wanna say?”

There was a long, tense silence. Trevor kept looking at Nick, didn’t want to look away in case he lost his nerve. It felt like the only thing keeping him upright right now was his anger.

“I need to know if your feelings for me are genuine,” Nick started, but before Trevor could bite out what he wanted to say, he continued. “Or whether this is only happening because I’m Gabrielle’s nanny and I’m around all the time.”

Jesus, what did he take Trevor for?

“Right, because I’m prone to being as clingy as Gabrielle.”

“I don’t know, do I?” Nick snapped, sounding just as angry as Trevor felt. As if he had the right. Everything was going so well and now Trevor was watching it fall apart in front of him. “I’ve only known you as Gabrielle’s nanny, Trevor. I want to know you when I’m not.”

Trevor’s chest felt cold, pain keeping him still. He closed his eyes, trying to get his breathing under control. “Nick–”

“You think I want this?” Nick’s voice sounded wretched and Trevor opened his eyes. Fuck everything, fuck this situation. God, Gabrielle.

“Gabrielle.”

“Fuck, you don’t think I hate that this is happening?” Nick’s face was twisted into anger and discomfort. Trevor shoved down the urge to go over and hug him, touch him, do something. His own anger and despair were keeping him rooted to the spot. “I love Gabrielle, fuck you if you think I’m not thinking of her. I don’t want this,” he said, waving between them, “to ruin everything with her.”

“Maybe you should have thought of that,” Trevor forced himself to say, “before kissing me that night.”

Nick’s face went even whiter, if that were possible, looking lost. He opened his mouth a couple of times, apparently not able to find something to say.

“I’m gonna get Gabrielle up. You can stay here,” Trevor said eventually, sagging as the anger bled out of him, leaving a feeling of loss behind. “I’m not kicking you out of the house today but consider this notice if you’re not planning on staying on as Gabrielle’s nanny.”

Silence.

Trevor’s lip curled, and he fisted his hands, giving Nick the last of his anger. “If you leave without explaining this to her, I will fucking kill you, do you understand me?”

Still, Nick said nothing. He nodded sharply, staring down at the duvet.

“Fuck,” Trevor muttered, wiping at his eyes. “I really fucking...” he started, swallowed. “You made me happy.”

It wasn’t, perhaps, the parting shot he wished he could have given, but it was the best he could come up with. When Nick still said nothing, his face an expression Trevor couldn’t pinpoint, he left the room. Shutting the door behind him, he leaned against it, grinding the palms of his hands into his eyes. He could feel the tears burning his eyes, wanting to fall, but he couldn’t do anything about it. Fuck. His throat was thick as he forced himself to stop being such a baby and get his little girl out of bed. Nick could do what he fucking liked.

Trevor had grown accustomed to ignoring that little voice in his head, even if it was telling him that Nick leaving was the last thing he wanted. Clearly, Nick had made up his mind and Trevor wasn’t going to change it. Which, when he stopped to think about it – and he wasn’t going to, fuck – was something he had grown used to with romantic partners.

Gabrielle was still asleep when Trevor slipped into her room, and part of him was loathe to wake her. He approached her bed, dropping to his knees next to it, leaning on the edge of the mattress.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, brushing a few strands of hair from her face. She was twisted up in her blankets, hands fisted in the pillow, and Trevor’s heart ached at what she was about to go through. Again. Trevor had chosen her nanny, had let himself get so preoccupied with Nick and their attraction that he hadn’t thought of her, not really. He should never have let the kiss go any further but God, he’d wanted to be happy just for a moment. The tears were back, and this time he couldn’t keep them from falling. He swiped angrily at them, choking on a breath, and didn’t know where the fuck he was supposed to go from here.