Chapter Twenty-One

When Trevor and Gabrielle returned from the mall, Gabrielle laden down with more toys than Trevor should probably have bought her, she was still talking a mile a minute. Part of Trevor wanted to give her a heads up about what was to come, but until he knew what Nick was planning, he didn’t want to upset her or give her hope unnecessarily. He felt like the worst father.

There was a duffle bag just inside the door and Trevor had to pause, closing his eyes, as Gabrielle didn’t notice, skipping into the kitchen and immediately talking a mile a minute to Nick, who was apparently waiting for them. Trevor dropped Gabrielle’s bags by the stairs and stood, leaning against the banister, trying to rein in his emotions.

Getting a grip on himself – he was a hockey player, for fuck’s sake, he was better than this – he tried to look as nonchalant as possible, leaning against the doorjamb. There was the familiar stir of want in his stomach as he stared at Nick, making him feel sick, and the urge to kiss him hadn’t disappeared just because Nick had apparently decided he couldn’t do this anymore. Trevor watched Gabrielle’s face, showing Nick some of the toys she’d already convinced Trevor needed to be opened right away.

There was a sad smile on Nick’s face, a shadow to his eyes that Trevor didn’t want to analyze. He didn’t have to do this. Nick was making the choice. “I’m glad you had fun, Miss Gabrielle.”

Fuck.

Trevor clenched his hands into fists. “It was a good day.”

Nick looked up sharply as if he had only just realized Trevor was standing in the doorway. His throat worked, his eyes wet once again and Trevor refused to feel like a dick. He tilted his chin, daring Nick to fight back, to do something that wasn’t walk out of the door like a coward.

“Gabby,” Nick said, and it made both Trevor and Gabrielle pay attention. Nick never called her Gabby, was never anything less than respectful to her. “I need to talk to you, okay?”

Gabrielle looked back at Trevor, her eyes wide and sad, and then back to Nick. Her face fell and she dropped her head. “Are you going away?”

Trevor’s heart broke. Nick looked stricken. Good.

“Why do you say that?”

“It’s what Mama said. It’s what Nana said when she had to go back to Grandpa.” Gabrielle’s bottom lip was quivering, Trevor could see it from where he was standing, and he closed his eyes, breathing out slowly. “Don’t go, Mr. Nick.”

“Fuck,” Nick said, and it was a measure of the moment that Gabrielle didn’t call him out on it. “Gabrielle, I have to.”

“Why?” Gabrielle’s voice was a wail, and she gave no resistance when Nick swept her into his arms, tucking her face into his neck. Trevor felt a vicious sense of pleasure at Nick’s despair, immediately hating himself for it. He didn’t want to cause Gabrielle pain, even if Nick was the reason.

Trevor didn’t know whether Nick was going to lie or tell the truth. From the look on his face, Nick didn’t know either.

“Gabrielle,” he started, pulling back to cup her cheek, thumb brushing her cheek. “If I could stay, I would. But your dad and I – I did something mean to your dad and I need to go away for a while.”

“Jesus,” Trevor muttered, low enough that Gabrielle wouldn’t pick up on it. His chest felt as if it was running out of air, and he struggled to swallow, to concentrate on what Nick was saying.

“I promise this isn’t because of you, all right, sweetheart?”

Gabrielle nodded, though she was still sobbing, clutching at Nick. “I don’t want another nanny, Mr. Nick. I want you.”

“I know,” Nick said, voice hoarse. “I know you do, Gabby.”

“So stay,” Gabrielle said as if it was that easy. “Daddy wants you to stay, don’t you, Daddy?”

Her eyes were imploring, and Trevor hated himself at that moment for not being able to give her what she wanted. Nick was watching him, apologetic, but Trevor wasn’t interested.

“Gabrielle,” he said, trying to find the words. “It doesn’t matter what we want, baby. It’s what Nick wants.”

“But he said he doesn’t want to go,” Gabrielle wailed, and Trevor clenched his teeth against the urge to yell at her. He was livid, terrified, and upset in equal measure, and hated himself for it.

“I promise you’ll find someone else who loves you as much as I do,” Nick said eventually, bringing Gabrielle’s attention back to him. “Your daddy is amazing, you have to listen to what he tells you, okay?”

Gabrielle nodded, once again burying her face in Nick’s shoulder.

“You’ll be starting Pre-K soon anyway and won’t want me around.”

“I always want you around,” Gabrielle mumbled.

Nick’s eyes closed, and he took a deep breath. “If your daddy lets me, I promise I’ll come see you, all right?”

Trevor’s lip curled. Nick might have thought he was doing Trevor a favor, but he really wasn’t. Now if Trevor said no because he couldn’t handle the thought of having to see Nick, he would be the bad guy.

“Okay,” Gabrielle said eventually, looking and sounding tired. “I’ll miss you, Mr. Nick.”

“I’ll miss you too,” Nick said, kissing the top of Gabrielle’s forehead. “Be a good girl for your daddy, okay?”

“Yes,” Gabrielle whispered. She gave Nick one last hug and then let herself be put back on the floor. She immediately clutched her toys to her chest, looking too small and sad.

“Gabby,” Trevor said and approached her slowly.

When she looked up at him, she was still crying, but there was anger there too, more than Trevor knew what to do with. “Why do you have to be mad at Mr. Nick? I hate you!”

Storming past him, Gabrielle raced out of the kitchen and Trevor could hear her running up the stairs.

“Thanks,” Trevor said, rubbing at his face. He let the anger blossom once again in his chest. “Fucking go if you’re going.”

“Trevor,” Nick started, but Trevor didn’t want to hear it.

“You wanted this,” he said bluntly. “You’ve made me the bad guy not once, but twice, because if I can’t handle you being in my house, that’s my fault too, right?”

Nick opened his mouth then closed it again.

“Just go, Nick.” Trevor stared at him, hating himself for how much he wanted Nick to just hug him and make it all go away. “Please. Go.”

There was a moment when Trevor thought Nick might not when an expression of defiance and resolve crossed his face, but he sagged, lifting a hand, deciding better of touching Trevor. Trevor was grateful; he wasn’t sure if he would punch him or accept it.

“This wasn’t what I wanted,” Nick said slowly.

Trevor laughed, all self-deprecation and without a touch of humor. “Well, it’s what you’ve got. It’s what you’ve left me with.”

There was silence, and the sound of Nick leaving the room. A short while later the door opened and then closed again, and Trevor sagged against the counter, knowing he should go and comfort Gabrielle, try and get her to talk to him. Instead, he dug his phone out of his pocket and called his mom.

He hated having to rely on her once again, but he didn’t know what else to do. He felt as if he was going to fall apart at the seams, and there was nobody there to put him back together again.