Chapter Twenty-Three

Morning skate was as terrible as Trevor predicted it would be.

He woke up early enough that neither his mother nor Gabrielle was awake and managed to sneak out of the house without having to have a conversation with anybody. He tried to put a brave face on for the fans hovering outside the practice rink, but he had no doubt he wasn’t as successful as he would have liked to have been.

By the time he slipped into the locker room, dumping his bag by his locker and sinking onto the bench, he was so preoccupied with his thoughts, it took him a moment to realize he was the first guy there.

“This never happens.” Luke, the equipment guy, gave Trevor a bright smile. “Never thought you’d be the only one here.”

“Tell me about it,” Trevor said, aiming for levity and managing only a weak attempt.

“Everything all right?” Luke asked with a frown.

“Peachy,” Trevor said, quirking his lips up. “A mess, actually, but it’ll work out. It usually does.”

Luke nodded, not saying anything else but gave Trevor the privacy he was seeking. The doors opened a little while later, spilling a few more guys through the door, and Trevor let the sounds of it wash over him, ignoring the hesitation before they greeted him.

His outburst after their last game was an uncomfortable reminder that Pears and Jetty were probably gonna corner him, but he was happy enough to ignore it until it happened. That didn’t mean the rest of his teammates were going to keep quiet. Trevor had all but shouted that he was gay the last time they were in a room. Thankfully, the only story to make the headlines had been the one about Nick, but even that was rife enough with speculation that Trevor doubted the media scrum that night would be kind to him.

Trevor was lacing up his skates when Jetty, Pears, and Adam all piled into the room. The former immediately looked for Trevor, and Trevor dropped his eyes back to the floor, frowning.

“Everything all right?”

Trevor could see Jetty’s sneakers, always dressed down for practice, and took his time looking up, working his feet back and forth to make sure they were tight enough. When he eventually met Jetty’s eyes, he hoped he looked as pissed off as he felt.

“Guess you’ll be happy,” he said, lip curling up in distaste as Jetty hovered awkwardly next to his locker. “Might need Abby’s help in finding a new nanny.”

“Fuck,” Jetty said with feeling. He rubbed at his face. “Trevor, I’m sorry.”

“Fuck off,” Trevor snapped. “At least the impression I’m giving off isn’t detrimental to the team, right?”

Jetty opened his mouth to say something else, but Q grabbed their attention, yelling for them to get their asses onto the ice. Trevor was only too willing to get away from everything and shoot the hell out of some pucks.

Q seemed impressed with his attitude, and though the beat reporters were in their usual spot, Trevor managed to avoid focusing on them for too long, sinking himself into the hockey mind space. It was just as easy to stay out of Jetty’s way when Q put them on different lines, tested their skills elsewhere.

A couple of guys avoided Trevor in return, but he wasn’t bothered. It wasn’t as if they could catch a sexual preference, and he had no time for people who couldn’t appreciate that a guy can play hockey and like dicking whoever the fuck he wanted to in his spare time.

“Hey,” Pears said, cornering Trevor on the ice at the end of practice. “Listen–”

“I know you’re the captain,” Trevor said, cutting him off. “I appreciate that you wanna yell or give a pep talk or whatever it is you do when you think the game is suffering, but right now I feel like the only thing keeping me together is hockey.”

Pears was startled by the honesty, but Trevor was tired. Of hiding, of pretending he was okay, of everything. “I was going to ask if you were okay or wanted to talk.”

“That is the last thing I want,” Trevor admitted. “Unless you can take back my sexuality confession or turn back the clock so that I never slept with my nanny, that would be great.”

Something flickered across Pears’ face, but it was gone as soon as it appeared. “Sorry,” he said, sounding it. “Not sure I possess those kinds of abilities.”

“Yeah,” Trevor said, shucking his gloves and wiping a hand over his face. “I can play tonight. My head will be where it needs to be. Can’t promise I won’t lose it in the locker room if someone starts something, but…”

“All right,” Pears said, squeezing Trevor’s shoulder. “Get changed and get some rest before the game.”

Trevor waited until Pears left the ice before taking one more loop around the ice. There would be someone else wanting to use the ice in a little while, but Trevor needed most of the team to have drifted out of the locker room before thinking about that. He was torn between staying out until the game or going home and facing Gabrielle and his mom. With a sigh, he hit the locker room, glad that it was mostly empty. Jetty was still there, along with Richards and Pears, who had probably only stuck around to make sure Trevor wasn’t skating himself to death.

To escape having to talk, Trevor ducked into the showers almost immediately, tipping his head back and letting the water pound down over his head and back. Fuck, but why couldn’t everything just fall back into place? Trevor hadn’t been this devastated when Clara had left. Hadn’t been this devastated when previous partners had decided the life of a hockey girlfriend wasn’t the lifestyle for them.

Jetty was still there when he came out.

“Don’t,” he said, holding up a hand.

“Trevor,” Jetty said, voice whip-cracking across the room. His eyes were pinched, and looking through the anger and frustration, Trevor could see the lines of his face were closer to guilt and sadness. “I wanted to apologize.”

“Why?” Trevor asked, sighing.

Sitting down on the bench, Jetty raised his eyebrows, indicating Trevor’s own bench. Reluctantly, Trevor sat down, rubbing his hands through his hair. It was still damp, dripping onto his shirt, and he made a face. He’d have to crank the heat up in his car to dry himself off.

“When we were at the game, I didn’t mean to imply that you dating Nick was bad.” Jetty’s mouth was a thin line and as much as Trevor didn’t want to talk about this, he was tired of being angry at everything. He just wanted something that wasn’t going to shit. “I didn’t want you to get too wrapped up in this thing with Nick that you got hurt.”

“That went well,” Trevor said, voice devoid of humor. He pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes, breathing deep.

“He lived in your house. He looked after your daughter. He was everywhere.” Jetty sighed, shrugging slightly. “I wanted you to be sure that you weren’t getting attached because he was your only choice.”

Trevor couldn’t help but laugh at that. “That’s what he said.”

“What?” Jetty frowned.

“Nick,” Trevor said, thinking of Nick’s face and feeling sick. Everything had gone so spectacularly bad and he still didn’t know how. “He said the same thing. That he didn’t know whether I was with him because I genuinely wanted to be.”

Jetty raised his eyebrows. “You don’t think he was right?”

Trevor snorted. “Because I don’t know what my own feelings are doing? I love the guy, Jetty. I didn’t sleep with him because he was convenient.”

When Jetty didn’t say anything right away, Trevor peered up at him. There was a considering look on his face. “Did you tell him that?”

Trevor thought back to the fight, as painful as it was, and though he could remember every damned word, he didn’t want to. “I said the same thing I did to you. Yelling,” he added at Jetty’s raised eyebrow. “I told him to think of Gabrielle and everything went to shit.”

Rubbing at his jaw, Jetty nudged him gently. “Look at it from his point of view. You pay him, Trevor. You employ him, give him a home, and the means to buy a car.”

“Fuck.”

Hadn’t he told Bess the same thing? Been worried about that? Employing Nick had been his biggest reason for not wanting to start anything and now he was cursing Nick for thinking the same thing? Maybe they hadn’t gone about it the right way, hadn’t talked about anything important, not really, but he couldn’t be mad at Nick for wanting certainty, could he?

“I never talked to him,” Trevor admitted quietly. “I guess I didn’t want the answer. Who’d want the kind of lifestyle I live? With a kid who barely gets to see me?”

Jetty folded his arms across his chest, looking incredulous. “No offense, Trevor, but get a fucking clue. Plenty of people want this lifestyle,” he said, waving a hand around the locker room. “Plenty of people would jump at the chance to date you.”

“My point exactly.” Trevor sat back, resting his head against the locker. “I don’t want someone who wants to date Trevor Raines, hockey player. Someone who wants to date Trevor Raines, single dad? That’s something else altogether.”

“Maybe,” Jetty allowed. “Nick wanted to try, but you’ve all but shut him out.”

“Yeah,” Trevor said, feeling the familiar stirrings of guilt in his gut. How else was he supposed to react? Gabrielle had lost so many people in her less than four years of life. Trevor had too, had been rejected so many times for a hockey life he had spent years crafting. He was struck suddenly by the urge to see and hold Gabrielle. “I need to get home, man.”

“Sure,” Jetty said affably. “See you later.”

“Thanks,” Trevor said, with more sincerity than he had managed thus far. “I’m sorry.”

“Fuck off,” Jetty said, waving a hand. “That’s more emotion than I wanna deal with.”

Trevor rolled his eyes but accepted the hug Jetty reached for, slapping his back. “I owe you.”

Jetty tossed him a mock-salute. “Let me score tonight.”

“No fucking way,” Trevor said, grinning, feeling lighter than he had since Nick had walked out. Nothing was magically solved, but it was easier to walk out of the locker room and head for his car. Easier to think about getting home to Gabrielle and his mom, to try and be the father Gabrielle needed than the guy who’d had his heart broken and just happened to have a daughter suffering.

He’d been a dick.