Chapter Eleven
Amara
I can’t eat. Nothing sounds appealing or even tastes good. Especially this morning. Today is going to be a rough one, and I’m thankful for having Alden by my side.
“Hey,” Nathan whispers as he comes into the kitchen. The twins are still asleep.
“Hi.” I give him a smile.
“Did you get any sleep?”
I shrug. “Not really.”
He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close. “It’s going to be okay. If you need me, I’m only a phone call away.” He kisses my forehead.
“Thank you.” I lean in and softly peck his lips.
“I really want to take you on a proper date.”
“We will. It’s all crazy right now. Once it calms down we’ll date.” I softly laugh.
“Amara, I care deeply for you. I want you to know that.”
I nod. “I do know and the feeling is mutual.”
This time he leans in. His lips press against mine, and I dig my fingers into his hair. His touch is soft but with a deep connection. I can feel he wants more, like me, but we both know to take it slow. It may have taken me a bit longer to figure it out, but there’s plenty of time for us to do more lately.
“Your phone is buzzing.” He pulls away.
“Right.” I didn’t even hear it. “I told Alden to text me. I don’t want to wake up the boys.”
Alden: I’m here. Are you ready?
That’s a question I’m not sure I really know the answer to.
“I’ll be here.” He gives me another small kiss before I grab my items and head out the door.
When I get in the car, Alden doesn’t look as if he got much sleep either. As he pulls the car away from the curb, I look down at my outfit.
“Am I dressed okay?” I decided to wear a pair of purple leggings with a gray tunic. I left my hair down and didn’t really wear a lot of makeup.
“You’re fine.” He gives me an encouraging smile.
“I wish I knew what to expect.”
“We’re going to go in there, say our peace, and then leave.”
“Do you want to meet our half-brother?” It’s a question I thought about a lot during the night.
“The truth is I don’t know. On one hand, I don’t want anything to do with Jack. On the other hand, I can’t imagine my life without you and I shouldn’t punish a kid for something he had no control of.”
“I’m having the same dilemma.” I confess. “I guess we’ll make our decision after this goes down.”
He nods.
We remain silent, lost in our own thoughts, as we make our way to Mom’s place. I know he’s there because Mom texted us already. My stomach is turning and flipping as Alden parks the car. My palms begin to sweat and my entire body is shaking.
“I don’t know if I can do this.” I admit as we step out of the car. My legs can barely keep me upright.
“We don’t have to. We can leave, go get some breakfast, and never see him.” He holds onto my hand. “It’s up to you.”
His idea sounds great right now, but I don’t want any regrets. I have things I need to say to him and he needs to hear them from me.
“No. We need to do this.” I dig deep and find my courage which is hiding. I have to do this. I have to. “Let’s go.”
Together we walk into Mom’s building and up to her apartment. We both stand at the door. Neither one of us makes a move to knock on it. We simply stand there. I take Alden’s hand in mine. As a child, when I would have my chemo treatments he held my hand a lot. Now, my strong, tough brother looks like a small child. He tries to play it off, but Jack hurt him too. I know it. I have memories before I was sick of our family vacations, picnics, and holidays. There had been laughter, love, and happiness.
Then it all changed.
“I’m ready when you are.” I tell him
He stands there, unmoving. It’s almost as if he’s a statue.
I rest my chin on his shoulder. “If you want we can leave, get some breakfast, and never have to see him.” I try to make a joke, but he doesn’t crack a smile. When I look up at him he has tears in his eyes. “Alden?” I squeeze his hand. “Talk to me.”
“I’ve not cried since Baylor was in the hospital, and I’ve never cried for Jack. He left us. He abandoned us.”
“He did.” I confirm.
“I hate him.”
I always believe hate is the strongest, most damaging word in any language, but he’s right.
“What do you want to do?”
He closes his eyes, takes a couple of deep breaths, raises his arm and knocks.
“Here we go.” I sigh.
Mom opens the door. It’s clear to see she didn’t sleep either. I may even say she’s been crying. “Hi, kids.” She gives us a small smile. “Come in.”
I walk in first, kiss Mom’s cheeks and Alden does the same. My ears are ringing. I can feel my blood pumping harder and faster as my heart races.
“Are you two ready?” Mom whispers.
I nod once and Alden looks away.
“All right.” She steps in front of us and we follow her into the kitchen
He stands as soon as we come into view. He appears older. Of course the last time I saw him was on my tenth birthday. His hair is thinning and has speckles of gray throughout. He’s gained about fifteen pounds. He is still wearing the same black suit I remember. Maybe not the exact same, but he wore one similar the day he walked out.
“Hi,” he says. “You both look great.” His voice is deeper than I recall.
A million thoughts and feelings are running through me faster than I can process.
“Why don’t we all sit down and have some tea?” Mom offers and my body moves on autopilot to a seat. Alden sits next to me and Jack across from him.
“Um…” He clears his throat. “How… how have you been?”
“Fine,” I answer without much feeling.
“Good.” He seems pleased by my generic answer. “Alden?”
They lock eyes for a second. “Good, I guess.”
Mom sets down a tray with cups, a teapot, and sugar. No one reaches for it. We all just sit and seem to glower at each other. None of us are speaking and the tension begins to build between us.
“How’s the hockey career? I’ve been following and you seem to be doing well.” Jack finally speaks.
Alden shrugs. “Yea, it’s okay.” He glances over at me. He’s ready to leave but waiting for me to say my peace.
“Look.” Jack clears his throat again and rubs his hands together. “I know you both have a lot to say. So, lay it all out.” He sits back, pulling himself straighter as if he’s getting ready for a battle.
“Amara.” My brother glances at me. I know he’s not putting me on the spot. He’s giving me my chance to go first.
Jack’s eyes are darker than ours, but today they seem sadder than I ever remember. But they weren’t my father’s eyes. I do remember watching him walk away and the pain I still felt from the relief in his eyes as he did.
“I want to leave.” I quickly stand and begin to rush toward the door.
“Please, Amara, I want to know my children again,” he says standing as well.
I spin around and all the rage and hurt explode within me. As if an emotional bomb had been detonated.
“We are not children. We were when you left us.” I start.
“Let me explain.” He holds up his hands in a defensive pose but I cut him off before he can utter a word.
“I don’t want to hear whatever cowardly excuse you want to fill us with. I was hooked up to a chemo machine,” I yell. “I spent many nights feeling like shit on a shoe because I ruined our family.”
Hot tears burn my face as I confess the one thought I told no one. Not even Alden.
“There were nights I prayed I would die so Mom wouldn’t have to work so much and Alden could play with his friends instead of holding my hand as I threw up all over the bathroom. I was a burden to everyone. I’m the one who tore our family apart. You don’t know what we went through because of my cancer. Alden shaved his head so I wouldn’t be made fun of. Mom worked around the clock to support all of us. I don’t even think she slept. What about you? Have you slept well the past eleven – twelve years? Did you think about us on our birthdays? Graduations? Any time? Did you?”
He hangs his head, and I knew the answers.
“You asshole. You went off and created a drama free family, while we had to pick ourselves up. I begged God to let me die while you bar hopped for a new wife.”
He lifts his head and the eyes I hardly remember are watery.
“I hate you and I don’t want a fucking thing to do with you.” The word I never use rolls off my tongue as if it’s a smooth wine. However, a sob follows and I bolt out of the room and into the bathroom.
I collapsed on the floor like a heap of discarded clothing. I can’t find any air in the room. I sense the walls are closing in when someone wraps their arms around me. I know it’s Alden by the way he’s rocking me back and forth, telling me it’s okay.
I don’t know how long I sat there and cried. It could have been two minutes or two years, eventually I calmed down. Alden releases me and gets a cold washcloth. He comes back down and wipes my face. The way he did when I was sick.
“I know you’re not okay. But I want to tell you this.” He drops the cloth. “I couldn’t have survived if you died.” My big brother has tears coming down his cheek. “You are more than just my sister. You are my everything.”
“I was a burden, Bro.” My throat burns from all the crying.
“No you weren’t. I would give it all for you. But I can never be without you.” He hugs me tightly. “I can’t lose you.”
“It’s how I felt at the time.”
“I don’t care. You were never, ever a burden. Ever.”
I nod and we release each other to lean up against the wall. “Is he still here?”
“I told him to leave, but I don’t know if he listened or not.”
“He left.”
We turn to see Mom standing in the doorway. She slowly walks in and kneels down to us, taking each of our hands in hers.
“My soul is split into two halves. One is Alden’s and the other is yours. Had you died, I would have never been whole again. I can’t live without both of my babies.” A single tear rolls down her cheek. “I would have worked a thousand jobs for a hundred hours a day if it meant you to survive. For either of you. My greatest love and achievement are you two. You will forever be my babies.”
“I’m six foot seven and almost two hundred pounds. I think baby is a far stretch.” Alden always the wisecrack, but it causes me to snort. Soon, we’re all laughing.
I’m whole again – because of my family. They complete me.