Chapter Fifteen
Amara
My eyes slowly open. I can feel the smile growing as I stare at Nathan’s sleeping, restful face. He stayed with me all night. I desperately wanted to have sex with him, but I had just enough comprehension to stop us.
I ease out of the bed, find my yoga gear and clean up in the bathroom. As I laid everything out to get started, my phone chirps.
Alden: I want to do yoga. I’m outside.
I giggle. My brother and I would always do a session together when he’s home. I miss our mornings together.
Me: Come up. I’m about to start.
I buzz him in and unlock the door. I move the coffee table as he strolls in with his blue mat under his arm.
“Where’s Nathan?” He unrolls his mat next to mine.
“Asleep.” I turn on the DVD and we take several deep breaths.
“Did you two fuck yet?” he asks as we move to our first pose.
I know he’s just asking to be an ass and to get me angry. “First, it’s none of your business. Two, no we’ve not.” I don’t need to tell him my most private details, yet I know all of his.
“What are we going to do about Jack and Aaron?” We move into our next pose.
“I like Aaron. We shouldn’t be unfair to him because of Jack. However, I hate Jack even more now.”
“Why?”
As we move into our next position I sigh. “He told us about his cowardness.”
“I don’t think that was groundbreaking. We both came to the same conclusion years ago.”
He’s not wrong. Alden and I had discussed in great lengths about several possible scenarios with Jack.
“I do agree with you about Aaron.” Alden continues. “He seems like a good kid and Kace likes him.”
“He’s our brother.” I remind him. “It’s important we’re in his life.”
He remains quiet for the next pose.
“You know I’m right.” I tease him.
“Do we even know how to contact Jack? If we want to visit Aaron.”
“Yes. I have his number from Mom. He’s living in New York City. I guess he’s been there the past couple years.” Mom had given me this information the last time I talked to her.
“I guess New York isn’t that far.” He contends. “We could swing down there and visit every so often.”
“We can.” I agree and we continue to work through our session.
It’s almost finished when we hear, “What’s going on here?”
Alden and I turn to see a shirtless, beyond dreamy Nathan with a perplexed expression.
“If you ever tell the guys this, I swear I’ll kill you.” Alden glares at him.
Nathan smirks. “You? You do yoga?”
“Yes.” He turns back to the TV screen and we finish with several deep breaths.
“I really want to film this.” Nathan chuckles and passes us to go into the kitchen.
We follow him after rolling up our mats and putting the coffee table back. I make Alden a cup of coffee and then one for myself.
“Baylor wants to have a Fourth of July barbecue.”
“Sounds like fun.” I sip my drink.
“I figured I’d invite the team. Do you think Teo will be home?” he asks Nathan.
“I believe so. I’m not sure if he’ll be up to a party, but he might come.”
“I’ll text him anyway.”
“What else is Baylor up to today?” Nathan butters his toast.
“She’s not feeling good. She was still sleeping when I left.
“She okay?” I question.
“She thinks she ate too much food.” He shrugs. “I asked if she was pregnant.” He glances at me, waiting for my reaction.
“Is she?” I sit my cup down.
“I don’t know.” He tells me honestly.
“You’ve not been together long.” I tell him, even though I know he’s aware.
“Doesn’t matter. I’d marry her today if she’d let me.”
I smile. “I know you would.” Marriage. Kids. Love. All of these were something I’d never thought Alden would have in his future. I had always pictured him to be single, sleeping around, and being unloved by anyone but family.
“What do you think?”
I know Alden’s question might not be one for others to understand, however, I do. He’s asking me if I’ll be okay if Baylor’s pregnant. Especially since I’ll never have kids. The truth is his and Baylor’s happiness is what matters to me.
“I want tons and tons of nieces and nephews.” I beam. It’s not a lie. If I can’t have kids then I’ll be the best damn aunt in the world.
Alden gives me a sad smile, but he’d be happy if Baylor was pregnant. I can already see how amazing he is with Kace.
“I’m going to head home.” He gets up and kisses my cheeks.
“Tell Baylor to get well and I love her.”
“I will. Later, Nate.”
“Later.” He calls back between bites of toast.
I sit on the stool Alden vacated and stare at my caramel color coffee. I wonder what it’s like to feel a child growing within you. Giving birth? Actually holding your child for the first time. Molding your child and seeing the world through their eyes. I’ve come to terms with my future, but there’s a part of me that still feels the pain.
“Amara?” Nathan touches my back.
I hadn’t even noticed he sat down next to me. “I’m fine.” My throat closes up.
“Is this about last night? I know you said stop and I feel—”
“No,” I put my hand over his mouth, “I told you – twice – you weren’t doing anything I didn’t want you to do. Okay?”
He nods.
“I was just thinking and my mind wandered.”
“What about?”
Even though I told Nathan of my illness, I don’t know how to tell him the fact that I don’t have the ability to have children. If we’re a couple, like he said we were, I need to give him full disclosure. It’s not fair to him or me.
“I was thinking about children.” I begin my confession. “About having them.”
He removes his hand from my back. “Do you want children?”
“I always thought I did.” I clear my throat. “I finished my chemo when I was sixteen, but I still hadn’t had a female cycle.”
He nods. “I know there’s a lot of side effects.
“True, and the doctor tried to get it started. It worked, for a little while and then it stopped again.”
“What’s the issue?”
“They believe it’s scarring on my tubes. I can’t… I can’t have kids.” There it is. It is officially out on the table. This could be a truly defining moment between us.
“Wow. That’s horrible.”
I nod.
“You know, you can always adopt or try other methods. You have plenty of options.”
I smile at his positivity. “Do you want kids?”
“I never really thought about it. My life is hockey. I truly don’t know.” He stares at me with his blue eyes.
“Does this change… us?” I wait patiently for his answer, but I don’t have to wait long.
“No.” He pauses and then says, “Let me rephrase that. As of right now, no it doesn’t change us.”
I don’t say anything because I know what the statement means. Later on, he’ll break up with me.
“Amara.” He turns me to face him. “Stop.”
“Stop what?”
“Overthinking. I know you. Kids or no kids is a long time down the road. Hell, we’ve not even had an official date yet. This is heavy talk for us. We both have to be mature and take this one step at a time.”
He’s right. I’m getting worked up over something that shouldn’t be an issue right now.
“Can we change the topic?”
“Yes,” I say.
“What do you have planned today?”
“I was going to Mom’s for lunch and then nothing.”
“Great.” He cheers. “Barring nothing crazy happens, may we go on a date tonight?”
“I’d love to.”
He gives me a quick kiss. “Outstanding. Now, I’m going to get ready and workout with Bas.”
Even though he’s right, I’m still worried about our relationship.
Mom has to be the smartest person I know. Not to mention the best cook. I’m glad she moved down here to be with us. Even though we texted and talked daily when she was home in Montreal, I missed her.
I couldn’t finish my lunch because I had talked about the situation with Nathan. If anyone could give advice it would be her.
“Baby, you need to relax and enjoy time with him.”
“But he’ll eventually break up with me.”
“You don’t know this. How do you not know he’ll fall madly in love with you? Kids are important, but many couples have long and successful relationships without them. You and Nathan could be one of those.”
“Logically, I know you’re right, but I don’t want to have a broken heart. It would make Alden right and I really don’t want that to happen.”
Mom and I both laugh. “No, we can’t let that happen.” She agrees with me. “Seriously though, just have fun. You’re young. You shouldn’t have so much worry. Go out with Nathan and don’t let anything stop you from living your life.”
“Thank you, Mom.”
I pick at my food, still not hungry. I should be starving, but instead, I push my plate away.
“Are you kids going to see Aaron soon?”
I shrug. “We agreed to go to New York City but no dates set.”
“I’m proud of you two.”
“Why aren’t you mad at him more?” I leave Jack’s name out, but she knows whom I speaking about.
“I was mad at him. For a long time. However, I realized life is too short to be full of anger. He made his choice. He didn’t want to be with me or with you kids.”
“I would be furious.”
“Amara, life isn’t a straight path. There’s bumps, potholes, detours, and curves, but you adapt to all these changes and continue down your path. She takes her hand and covers mine. “You know how to overcome. Just follow your path.”
Me: What are we doing on our date?”
Nathan: I have reservations at 6.
Me: Where @?
Nathan: Surprise.
Me: Maybe I don’t like surprises.
Nathan: Well then you’re going to hate this entire night.
I giggle at his last text. I’m excited about tonight. It’s our first real date. Hell, it’s my first real date. I never asked if he’d been out on a date before, however, I’m certain he had been. He’s too cute not to have been.
I get out of my car and go into The Latte Bean. It’s the hot spot around Manchester and where all the Bears go for coffee. After I place my order, I patiently wait at the end of the counter until they call my name.
As I’m about to walk out, I hear my name called again. I turn to see Meadow Hylton and Harlow Goldsmith. I wave and head over to them. Meadow is currently involved with Kyson Wick. She’s a New York Times bestselling author and older than Kyson. Harlow, who is blunter than Alden, is much, much older than Keaton. They’ve recently purchased a new home together. I like both women very much. Alden used to say Kyson and Keaton both had a Mommy complex.
“How are you?” Meadow greets me.
“I’m well.” I sit down at their table.
“A little birdie told me you’ve been hitting the sheets with a certain goalie.” Harlow winks.
I grin. “Yes, we’re dating.”
“That’s sweet. I’ve always liked Nathan,” Meadow says. “Where are you off to?”
“Heading back to my place. We have a date planned tonight.”
“Sounds like fun.” Harlow adds.
There’s one thing Meadow and Harlow have in common, besides dating Bears’ players, they have no kids. “May I ask you both a question?”
“Oh this sounds serious.” Harlow sits up. “Go ahead.”
I take a deep breath. I know how personal and sensitive this topic can be. “It’s personal.”
“We’re pretty open. Just ask,” Harlow says.
“I was wondering how your life is without kids. Do you feel… satisfied? Fulfilled?”
“For me, yes I do feel as if my life is satisfied.” Harlow begins. “I never wanted kids because I never felt like a mother. Since Dacey had her twins I consider myself as their totally cool aunt. However, even without them, my life is complete. Keaton and I have our lives together and we’re happy. Why are you asking?”
I don’t lie to them. “I can’t have kids and I’m worried about the future.”
“Amara.” Meadow speaks this time. “If you want to have kids there’s many ways to achieve the goal. Adoption, IVF, surrogate. If you’re deeply concerned about it do your research and see which is best for you.”
I nod.
“I didn’t realize you and Nathan were this serious.” Harlow inquires.
“We’re not. I mean, this is purely for my own conscience.”
“If it’s meant to be, it will be.” Meadow smiles. “I know it.”
She’s right. I shouldn’t add more stress on me. Nathan and I are still in the infancy stage of this relationship. I need to just follow my path.
At times like these, I wish I had girlfriends. I’m standing in front of my closet staring at my clothes. Nothing looks right, feels right, or fits well. My stomach is in knots and my body is tired. I have to power through this. I want this night to be perfect.
I end up picking a nice little black dress, red high heels, and a few sparkly bangles. I leave my hair down and add a few curls to give it some body. My makeup is simple, but I add bright red lipstick.
Knock. Knock.
Even though I know it’s Nathan on the other side of the door, I’m nervous. This is a real date. This is really happening. I grip the door handle and take a slow deep breath and open it.
In front of me is the most gorgeous man any deity can create. He stands tall and his blond hair is neatly combed. It seems as if his blue eyes are brighter than ever. He’s in a black suit with a white dress shirt. He’s not wearing a tie and has a couple of buttons undone.
“Hi.” I breathe.
“You’re stunning.” He gazes at me up and down.
I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “Thank you.”
He holds out his arm. “Are you ready?”
I link mine with his. “Yes, I am.”
Nathan drove us to Concord to the Granite Restaurant and Bar. It’s a fancy place and I hate to say I feel grown up, but I do. In the books I read, the couples are always in New York City or Los Angeles or somewhere fancier than Manchester.
Several people stare at Nathan as we’re escorted to our table. He holds out my chair for me as I carefully sit down. He orders a bottle of wine for us as we look over the menu.
“Do you ever notice it?”
“Notice what?” he asks.
“The stares.”
He shrugs. “Since being in New Hampshire I know people know me, but I don’t notice the staring.”
“Alden used to notice, especially from the female’s eyes. Well… until he got with Baylor.”
“There’s only one female I’m looking at.”
I glance up and his eyes connect with mine. “You know how to make a girl swoon.”
He smirks. “I hope so.”
The waiter comes back and takes our order, and I take a sip of my wine. Tonight, I will not drink more than one glass. I want to remember every moment of this date.
Nathan and I talk about it all as we sit and eat. He tells me more about Sweden and I tell him about Canada. I even slip a little French in as he does his Swedish. I never thought of it as a sexy language until it rolls off his tongue. We spent a lot of our time laughing at each other’s stories until we’re ready to leave. “What’s next?” I beam.
“Well… um… is there anything you want to do?” he asks as we walk out.
I pull on his arm, bringing him closer to me. “I want to go home.”
He kisses me softly. “Me too.”
My body is actually humming, and I swear you can cut the sexual tension with a knife as he drives us back to the apartment.
When we walk through the door I set everything down and face him. “I’m nervous.” I blurt out.
“Me too.” He pulls off his jacket, tossing it onto the chair. “I want to. Badly. However, I won’t push you.”
I step up close to him and cup his face. “You’re not. We’ve been talking for months. We’ve become very close and I trust you. I want this as much as you do.”
“I thought I could hold out longer, but the more I’m around you… the more I know about you… the more I care about you.”
It’s supposed to be a tender kiss but turns into something different. We’re both hungry for each other as if we’ve never eaten before. I end up with my back against the wall. Nathan’s hands are squeezing my waist hard, but it doesn’t hurt. It drives me harder. I lift my leg around his hip and he grasps my thigh.
He pulls away from my lips and rests his forehead against mine. “What if I suck at this?” His eyes are shut tight.
“What if I do?” I counter. “We’ll go slow and see what… feels… best.” I don’t want him to stop, but I don’t want to pressure him either.
He opens his eyes and nods.
“Okay.” I kiss him again. Softly at first, but then a little harder.
I open my mouth inviting his tongue to taste me. He does and I moan in pleasure. I grind my hips against him feeling his hardness. Nathan’s hands grip my thigh tighter. He may even bruise me, but I don’t care.
“Take me to the couch.” I beg and he lifts me up, carrying me to the couch and laying me down.
I spread my legs wider as he’s cradled in between them. My dress is now up almost over my hips. I can feel myself getting wetter for him. He pushes down on me, and I dig my nails into the back of his neck.
Nathan’s left hand creeps up my side and he cups my breast over the dress. I arch my body toward his touch. I unbutton a couple of buttons on his shirt. Placing my palm on his bare chest, I can feel his heart racing. He squeezes me tighter.
“We need more room,” I say breathlessly. “Want to go to the bedroom?”
Nathan nods and rises up on his knees. I kick off my heels onto the floor. His eyes fall between my legs and he has a clear view of my lace thong. I mirror his position. The vixen inside continues to work on his shirt. Our eyes are locked tight on each other. Together we get his shirt off.
“Come.” He stands, taking my hand, and leads me down the hallway.
I’ve been in his room before but this time I’m shaking with excitement. Nathan’s room has bright white walls decorated with superhero artwork. He has two nightstands on either side of his bed and one dresser. His bed is large like mine with a black and gray comforter.
“Turn around,” he softly says and I do. He pulls my long, black hair into a ponytail and sweeps it to the side. He kisses my exposed neck, sending a shiver down my spine. Nathan slowly unzips the dress. I have to remember to breathe as he pulls the straps down and the dress falls away from me.
“Is this okay?” he whispers in my ear.
“Yes.” He softly trails his fingertips up and down my arms, kissing my neck.
“May I turn around?” I don’t know why I ask permission, but he tells me yes. I listen to my vixen and face him.
His shirt is already gone, and I brazenly drop to my knees. I can hear his breath catch. My hands shake as I begin to work on his belt. Once undone I pop his button and unzip his pants. I really have no clue if I’m doing this correctly, but I hope I am. I pull his pants down, and he toes out of his shoes kicking it all away. Hooking my thumbs in his waistband, I watch his face. He plays with my hair as I remove his boxer briefs.
By no means have I never seen a penis. Well, never in real life. However, I have watched porn and seen a variety of them. But seeing Nathan’s for the first time brings a mix of emotions. Excitement, nervousness, and the hope I can do this.
“You don’t have to if you don’t want.”
I answer him by grasping his penis. He’s about six inches or so long but thicker than I had originally imagined him to be. I stroke him a few times before I lick my lips and slowly suck on his tip. He moans and digs his fingers in my hair.
I pull back, stroke him some more, lick my lips and suck him again. This time I go a little deeper. I don’t want to gag, and I’m careful not to as I continue my method.
“Suck harder.” He moans and I do. He pulls my hair tighter, and it seems to make me wetter.
I don’t know how long I can keep this up, but my jaw begins to ache, and I momentarily stop to catch my breath and then go back at it.
“Stop. Amara.” Nathan’s face is screwed up tight.
“Are you close?” I try to catch my breath.
“Yes.” He picks me up and puts me on my feet.
“Turn around.”
I do. It takes him a few seconds to get my bra off, but soon I toss it to the side. Nathan guides me to face him and then moves me toward the bed. Together we get my thong off.
“Lay down.”
Trying to keep my breaths even and slow is harder than I thought it would be. I’m naked in front of Nathan. I move myself to the center of the bed, laying my head on a pillow. He covers me with his hot body and kisses me. He works his way down my neck to my breast. He sucks my nipple on the left and slightly bites. I hiss from the delicious pain. He licks over to the right side doing the same thing.
“Nathan.” I run my hands through his hair.
He kisses and nips down my stomach. I know where he’s heading and I tense up.
“Do you want me to stop?” He glances up.
“I’m not sure.”
He comes back to my face. “I won’t then. Can I… um… just touch you then?”
“Yes.” I relax.
He comes up and lays on his side and rubs my thigh softly. I open my legs, biting down on my bottom lip. As he gets closer to my core, I stop breathing. He rubs his fingers up and down my slit, and I melt into his touch.
“Yes.” Finally, I breathe.
He circles my clit and I gasp.
“Feel good?”
“Yes.” I moan, and he continues the same motion. “Faster.” I tell him. He complies, and I pull on my nipples.
“Fuck, that’s hot.” He bites on my earlobe. “Do it again.” He watches as I twist them. “I’m going to put a finger inside you.”
“Okay.” I keep my eyes locked on his.
Keeping his thumb on my clit, he easily slides in a finger, then after a bit, he inserts another.
“Fuck.” I lift my hips. It hurts, but nothing I can’t handle. He keeps working his thumb and the tension fills me. “Faster.” I can feel I’m close to my release. I grab hold of the comforter with one hand and the other on his thigh. “Nathan,” I yell grinding against his hand.
“Come for me. Come, Amara.”
I like this Nathan. It turns me on more and helps me get the release I want. We’re both breathless. I moan out loudly and squeeze my legs around his hand.
We’re both breathless.
“Do you want to continue?”
I nod. “I do, but I might bleed. Grab a towel.”
“Okay.” He jumps out of the bed and heads to the bathroom.
When he leaves, I get up and pull the blankets down. He comes back and we lay out the towel. I position myself on my back.
“Ouch!” I yell. “My hair.” Nathan pulls my hair as he gets on top of me.
“Sorry. Sorry.” He quickly sits up.
“It’s okay.”
We maneuver again until he’s between my legs. “How do I do this?”
“Huh? Do I need to diagram it?”
“No.” He sounds nervous. “I mean should I just stick it in or go slow?”
“Oh… well…” I don’t know. “I think just stick it in.”
We both line up our hips. He rubs the tip of his penis against me and I try to relax. He starts to push in and I panic a bit.
“Go slow.” I blurt. “Go slow. It’ll hurt.”
“Okay.” He sounds as panicked as I am.
He continues to push and pull until we both feel the resistance.
“Now go hard.” My nails are digging into his bicep.
He grunts. Pulls back and then slams into me. I yelp and tears burn my eyes.
“I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
I have my eyes closed tight but the concern is clear in his tone. “Go slow until I tell you differently.” I beg.
“I promise.”
He begins to pull back and push in again. It hurts and burns, but I don’t want him to stop because I need to stretch out and get used to it.
“You look like you’re in pain.”
I open my eyes and realize he’s stopped moving.
“It hurts but not bad enough for you to stop.” I cup his face. “I’m okay. Keep going. Please.” I lift up and kiss his lips. My hips grind against him to give him encouragement to continue.
Finally, he does. Then he moves faster. I pull him down closer to me, and he puts his forehead on mine.
“Harder.” I all but beg and the pain slowly subsides.
Nathan moans and grunts, pushing more into me with force and speed. He’s clenching up tighter and I know he’s close. I don’t know how I know this, but I do. He gets louder saying my name over and over. Then he lets out my name at the loudest level and completely tightens up.
“Fuck.” He sits up a bit. “You didn’t finish.”
I giggle at his concern. “It’s okay. I enjoyed it.”
“And I hurt you.” He sadly adds.
“No… well, yes… but it was perfect. Now let’s clean up and see what else we can get into.” I kiss him and then hiss when he pulls out.
“Sorry.”
“Stop apologizing. I’m fine.”
Nathan goes to the bathroom and comes back with a warm washcloth. He cleans me up and then grabs one of his t-shirts with a Captain America shield on it. He holds my hand as we make our way to the kitchen.
I can’t believe we actually did it. We’re no longer virgins. I had dreamt of this day for a long time, and even though I didn’t get off with him inside me, it was perfect.
We don’t talk much as we sip our water, but he’s holding me close to him.
He kisses my temple. “Let’s go back to bed.”
He guides me back to the bedroom where he already removed the towel. I slip into bed and he comes in behind me. With his arms around me, I’m encased in his warmth and feel safe.