Thanksgiving came and went. Days passed in a long sequence of shopping, assembling, journaling and sorting all the baby things that Mary would need to raise her child. For the past month, I’d spent every waking hour with Mary. We went shopping for baby clothes; chose the paint color for the nursery; and bought a crib, a bassinette, a swing, a bouncy contraption I had no idea how to use, and a playpen. And those were just the sleeping items, because when Mary went shopping, waving her arms up and down at the helpers while a line of full carts followed her, the stores never closed. They all loved her and that small plastic card in her purse.
“The key is for them to want to be you,” she explained. “Then they’ll not only help you, but will also love you sometimes more than they love their mothers.”
It had to be said that Mary definitely had a unique approach to people. From the salary she had paid me, I had saved enough money for my first month’s rent, but only if I moved out of Manhattan. I’d seen some nice neighborhoods on Long Island when Xavier took me out for a few weekend strolls, and they were definitely more affordable, but if I moved I’d also lose my job as Mary’s personal assistant – the commute would have been too long. So for now, I was still living in Xavier’s upscale apartment, and if I was going to raise this baby on my own, I had to stick with the job I was given for a while longer.
During the past week leading up to Christmas, it had been more difficult not to feel nostalgic. John and his family had been on my mind every day. I missed him with my whole heart, and while I did miss my town, I would be lying if I said I didn’t like living on the other side of the country much more. I loved it here, and I loved the people around me. New York was becoming part of me, and I was quickly becoming part of the city that never slept. Living away from Pace became easier and more difficult at the same time. Easier, because life without Ben was simple; more difficult, because my heart was breaking each time I thought about our baby and how much I wanted her to grow up with her father and me.
Would John come to New York if he knew about the baby?
I touched my hand to the pillow around my stomach. Mary thought it would be a good idea to remain in disguise when we shopped, and Ben would definitely not be looking for an overtly pregnant woman. He hadn’t even known I was pregnant to begin with, and if I had anything to do with it, he never would. Looking at myself in the mirror, I barely recognized the reflection. Mary had lent me sunglasses, a large hat with flowers and feathers, a scarf, and jewelry. Everything I borrowed of course stayed in my room, as my new best friend insisted that it was either the wrong color for her, the wrong size or style, or she’d simply gotten bored with an item.
Mary was quickly becoming the sister I never had. I couldn’t even begin to count the many ways in which I was grateful, and I prayed every night that God would give me the opportunity to show them my appreciation. I would be indebted to them all until the day I died.
At this moment, I figured that if I helped Mary up to the birth of her little one, I’d have enough money and time to find a different job on Long Island. Xavier took me there last week again, right after the first snowfall, for burgers. The neighborhoods on Long Island he’d shown me were quiet. Most of them were the size of Pace, with parks and trails. Everyone smiled and waved and wished one another Merry Christmas. Best of all, it was near the ocean, which I had yet to see. Xavier told me we’d go there this spring when all the trees were blooming. Everything in this part of the world looked so colorful, even in winter. The way all the Christmas lights were reflected in the snow took my breath away. The holiday colors never stood out against the backdrop of orange and brown tones back in Arizona.
“I’m afraid that walking in on you is becoming a habit I need to drop.” I jumped up at Xavier’s voice. He was standing in the doorway to my bedroom, regarding me, scanning my body to the point where I felt the heat of his stare on my skin, and then added, “Or maybe not.”
I should have expected this to happen. It seemed that each time I changed clothes, Xavier had a way of popping up out of nowhere. I pulled a fluffy pillow against my body, somewhat covering myself. I was still in a t-shirt and panties but without a bra, and I was afraid that it was the main reason the bulge in his pants was beginning to increase in size. My boobs had been gaining in size as well.
My breath felt heavy, and I could see the pulse on his neck speed up as he took a dangerous step toward me and then stopped, as if regretting his move.
Up until now, Xavier had respectfully kept his distance. Our relationship quickly turned into friendship, except I was beginning to see so much more in him than a friend, and that scared me.
He looked up again and took two more confident steps. I felt so small, standing in front of him, looking up, and so vulnerable, literally torn away from my own world and thrown into his, that all the changes were beginning to break me apart. It was so confusing. All these emotions I was feeling at once – grief, vengeance, joy, sadness, gratitude – all swelled inside me and I didn’t know which one would surface next. I hadn’t realized that love was even part of the equation, but that’s exactly what I felt when Xavier looked at me.
“May I touch it, Anna?” He pointed to my belly, and I felt my mouth drop open.
“Yes, of course.” I moved the filled pillow aside. Watching his hand hover beneath my navel was like watching time slow down. I couldn’t wait for the touch of his palm on my skin, but I was afraid of it at the same time.
“Is the baby kicking yet?” he asked.
“She is.”
“She?”
“I’m guessing it’s a girl because I’m carrying higher than…”
I froze.
“Than what?”
Over the past two months that I’d lived in New York, I’d managed to hold Mikey to myself. I kept him sealed deeply in my heart, where he would remain for the rest of my life. It still hurt more than anything. I could barely say his name in my thoughts, never mind out loud. The little hope growing in my tummy was the only thing I could hold on to. She was the reason I was here at all.
“Nothing.” I paused, probably for a little longer than I should have. “Mary’s carrying lower, and she thinks it’s a boy. That’s all.”
He reached for my belly, then knelt down in front of me. I held my breath when he put his ear against the skin below my navel. I felt everything inside me melt as I watched him from above.
The baby finally kicked, and Xavier jumped back.
“Holy shit! It moved.”
“Yes, of course she moved.”
“That’s incredible.”
“I know. No matter how many times you think you’re used to it, it never gets old. I love it.” It was the same kind of love I’d felt when I was carrying Mikey.
“Anna, you need to tell John.”
“I know. I just… I need a little bit more time.” I grabbed the sweats from the chair and jumped into them.
Xavier didn’t know the demons I fought every night when I dreamt about bulls chasing me. Every single time I thought about checking in with John, I felt like I was giving up on our baby because if Ben ever found me, he’d kill me.
Xavier looked up from where he was sitting on the beige carpeting, and his excitement morphed into seriousness. “John should be here for this, Anna. He should be the one enjoying these moments.” He paused, scrunching his brows. It hurt me to hear these words, and Xavier knew that. It hurt me that I was hurting John so much. “He should at least know.”
“Soon,” I replied. “I’ll find a way to tell him soon. But I’m glad you mentioned him because I need a favor. You’re going away on business after New Year’s, and I was wondering whether you were going to a different state – because if you are, then maybe you could mail another postcard for me?”
“Of course.” He fixed his gaze on me, I was afraid that somehow, he was reading my mind. I was afraid that all my secrets were written on my face and it’d only be some time before he figured them out. I could tell he was thinking because his left ear twitched a little when he was lost in thought. He finally caught my stare and smiled. “You know, you can write him a letter.”
“I think a postcard will be sufficient. John would see through my words if I wrote a letter. He’d see that something wasn’t right, and I don’t want to worry him. And if he could see through it, then so could someone who catches it in transit.” I shook my head. “I can’t take that chance. I can’t go back there until the Cortez family is gone. Like really gone.”
“You don’t have to leave, Anna.” I didn’t expect to hear that. I sat down at the bed’s edge and reached for the postcard I’d filled out earlier. The simple design of two hearts, the outline of a small one wrapped around the edge of the larger one, seemed appropriate on more than one level. On the backside, I’d scribbled down the quote I knew he’d understand: “Learn from yesterday, Live for today, and Hope for tomorrow.”
I passed the postcard to Xavier. He turned it in his hand, looking at the picture cover.
“It’s okay, you can read it,” I said.
He flipped the card over and looked at me in confusion. “That’s it?”
“Yes. I’ve sent one before.” I recalled the longer cryptic note I’d written on the back of the postcard Jack had mailed when I first came to New York. “This is just a follow up. I don’t want John worried about me.”
“It’s the quote on your parents’ crypt. You’re not going to tell him about the baby?”
“It’s what he needs to hear right now. I can’t tell him about our baby on a postcard. It’s too personal.”
“It’s not right to keep him in the dark; and that’s what it is, Anna. John should know that you’re carrying his child. He would want to be here.”
My pulse quickened as I imagined it was John’s hand smoothing over my belly, connecting with our daughter. I pictured the surprise on his face and the happiness in his eyes every morning when the sun rose and every evening when it went to sleep. Xavier was right. John needed to know. But was the risk too great? The thought of holding my newborn baby’s limp body in my arms the way I’d held Mikey coursed through me like a plague. I couldn’t live through another day like the one when I’d lost my baby boy. My stomach clenched and I rushed into the bathroom and threw up into the toilet. This confirmed that my choice was the right one.
“Anna, I’m sorry.”
I quickly rinsed my mouth in the sink and dabbed it dry with a towel.
“It’s all right. It’s just a little more complicated than I thought.”
Actually, I wasn’t sure what I was thinking, to be exact. I was a mother struck with sudden grief that still lingered in my body. Heck, I’d never even gotten a chance to grieve Mikey before I was thrown into a new life. Protecting my unborn child from the monster who had already taken one away from me was my number one priority.
“After New Year’s. I’ll figure out a way to get in touch with him then. It will be before the baby comes, I promise. Maybe Ben will be gone as well.”
“I can find out if he’s gone. Just say the word.”
Gone. The word rang in my ears over and over again. I joined Xavier’s gaze, and the hairs on my arms rose. I wanted Ben gone so badly that it hurt. My conscience struggled daily because to commit the same sin as Ben had – to take a life – was definitely tempting. It didn’t matter that he’d go to hell. It didn’t matter that I’d join him there, either, if I killed. I wanted blood — his blood. I wanted him six feet under. He’d killed not only my parents, but also my baby.
“He’ll only be gone if he’s dead. I’ll never feel safe while he’s alive. I’m never going to let him near my baby again.”
By the time I realized what I said, it was already too late.
“Again? Anna, have you had a baby before?”
I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t say the words because saying them out loud would make it real all over again. Xavier let out a painful sigh, and I broke down. He caught me in his arms as I fell off the edge of the bed. Xavier held me against him as I cried. I sobbed so hard that I could barely catch a breath. It lasted a while because Mary came over with Jack, and Xavier asked them to wait in the living room. We were supposed to have a Christmas Eve dinner at Xavier’s and I’d ruined it, but at the moment, food was the last thing on my mind.
I wasn’t sure how long he held me like that, but by the time I was ready to breathe without the support of his arms, it was already dark outside. Xavier lifted me up into his arms and sat me down in a chair.
“Don’t move. Do you know what this evening brings?”
I looked up with my questioning eyes. Some of my eyelashes were stuck together and Xavier appeared from behind a fog.
“What?” I pulled in a sniffle and wiped the corner of my eye.
“It’s Christmas Eve. Which means we have hope. Look how far you’ve traveled to keep this baby safe. If that’s not God’s will then I don’t know what is. Every time I see the pain in your eyes and picture you traveling across the country, my heart breaks.”
“How do you do it? How do you get past something this big?”
“You don’t.” He lifted his head and took my hands into his. “You never get past it, but you learn to live with it. You have another life to think about. You have to keep going for her. You have to give this little one every chance you can and every advantage you can think of because life on its own is hard enough.”
I threw my arms around Xavier’s neck and tucked my nose against his skin. “Thank you. I… I don’t know what I would have done without your friendship.”
“I wish you could see the beautiful and brave woman that I see sitting in front of me. Then you would know that it is me who would have been lost without you in my life.”
“Xavier…”
“I’m sorry. I know that you have John, and I don’t want to make your life more complicated than it already is, but I won’t deny that having you in my life is changing me.”
“How?”
“You make me want to live again. Both of you.” His hand slid down my body and back onto my belly.
“Tell me what happened to your son. Jack told me you had one. What happened?”
Xavier backed away. He casually strolled to my closet as if I hadn’t asked the question. Xavier removed the dress I’d prepared from the hook. It was another one of Mary’s. I’d never had so much clothing in my life, and none of it was purchased, either. She just kept showing up with new outfits, almost daily. He reached for my hand and I stood up. Xavier pulled on the tie in front of my robe. It slid off my shoulders, leaving me standing in my bra and panties in front of him. He then helped me into this dress as if it were any other day.
And I let him. I was afraid that I was letting him plant his roots deeper in my life. One day I would have to leave him, and the thought made me sad because the more time I spent with him, the more I couldn’t imagine leaving.
“You’re going to tell John after New Years?” he asked, completely dismissing my question about his son.
“As soon as you come back from your business trip. I promise.”
“All right. Let’s have a beautiful Christmas, then.”
He fastened the top button of the dress and his hands slowly slid down my body. It was an innocent kind of a connection, but so hot that I felt my knees soften. Xavier then turned toward the door, gesturing for me to join the others in the living room; but he stopped me before I left the room.
“My son died because of me. I failed him.”