Mary and Jack had a beautiful, healthy baby boy. When Mary went into labor, she forgot all about her birth plan and forced Jack to hold her hand the entire time. The following week he could still barely move his fingers. Baby Cameron had Jack’s eyes and Mary’s smile. He inherited a perfect combination of his parents’ strongest and most beautiful features. Watching him open his eyes often made my heart race as I began to wonder what my baby girl would look like.
I stayed with Mary during the day when Jack and Xavier went to their office, helping her with the baby, taking turns with the diaper changes and feeding times. It was wonderful watching Mary shift focus from an expectant mother to a true mother, where everything she did came so naturally to her. She gave Cameron his first bath on her own. He latched on perfectly each time she wanted to feed him, and he slept four hours at a time within the first week.
But just when I felt I could breathe again and maybe sneak into Pace, little Cameron decided to develop colic. My fast-approaching due date in mid-April was already adding unneeded pressure to the trip.
Everything Mary thought she knew about babies disappeared. He wouldn’t stop crying. We changed Mary’s diet, massaged his little tummy, gently bent his knees to his mid-section so he could let go of the gasses, but nothing helped until one day I was drying my hair and a dejected Mary came into the bathroom. Cameron stopped his crying, and I turned off the hair dryer. He opened his mouth again, and I lowered the dryer to the counter.
“I think I’d rather hear that,” Mary said, pointing to the dryer and clicking it on. Cameron stopped crying, and Mary looked down to where he was cradled in her arms.
“One day you’ll have longer hair and we can dry it for you too, but we better let Auntie Jo get ready if we’re going to make it to church toady.”
Cameron was getting christened today, and I was going to be his godmother. I’d been wondering how Father Mark was going to like Cameron’s performance during mass and had been praying that the little one would finally get a break.
Mary flipped the dryer switch off, and Cameron started crying again. We looked at each other in puzzlement.
“Mary, I think he likes the noise.”
She turned the switch back on, and Cameron stopped crying. “I think you’re right. But we can’t take this to mass with us. Anna, what are we going to do?”
“Have faith, Mary. I’ve been praying, and I think Cameron will have a breakthrough.”
And so, as I sat that afternoon in church beside Cameron’s godfather, Xavier, I felt grateful that baby Cameron had stopped crying just before the mass. I was also grateful that John was continuing his prayers for my and our baby’s safety — even though he didn’t know about her. Would he hate me when I told him? Would he be upset that he hadn’t seen my stomach grow?
It was still too dangerous to travel. Xavier had sent someone to check in on Pace, and Ben was still there. No matter how many times Xavier insisted that we should stay in New York, I objected. Today felt like the right time to bring up the trip again. Mary was managing well on her own, Cameron had a new toy, a hairdryer, which Mary had yet to figure out how to carry with her the entire time if she didn’t want to be confined to the apartment, and I wanted John to know that in a few short weeks he would be a father.
As I finished my prayer near the end of the mass, Xavier leaned over to me and whispered, “You look stunning.”
I felt my baby kick, but it must have been those bulls I’d once imagined running through my stomach because they stopped as soon as I remembered that I had the same feeling just before John kissed me. Not only that, but during the last trimester of my pregnancy, my hormones decided to wake something inside of me I had never felt before: a deep need for physical contact. I tossed and turned at night and ended up almost touching myself. One night, I managed to snuggle the body pillow so hard between my legs that rubbing against it became irresistible. And now, Xavier looking at me with that hunger and complimenting me each time I changed into a new outfit was complicating my already tangled web of emotions.
“Thank you,” I replied. “But keep quiet. The mass isn’t over yet.”
“Right.” I found his smirk both inappropriate and distracting. How did he manage to pull me into his world each time we spoke? He took my attention away from my problems, but while it was a wonderful temporary remedy for my stress, I knew that I’d have to face them sooner or later. Preferably, it would be sooner.
I helped Mary organize an intimate dinner at a local restaurant to celebrate Cameron’s baptism. We sat at a long table with a couple of friends of Jack’s and Xavier’s whom I hadn’t met before. During her pregnancy, Mary had mentioned that Jack came from a foster home with many kids. His parents had died in a car accident, and that was all I knew about him for the most part. Mary’s family lived in L.A., and her mom wasn’t feeling well enough to travel that far. Still, with the group of close friends they had, and now baby Cameron in their lives, I’d say they’d managed to create a beautiful family of their own.
Dinner passed, and I felt my skin stretch around my navel. If I kept this up, I’d look nine months pregnant in no time. I was already having trouble seeing my toes. Xavier had painted them for me last night, right after a delectable foot massage, of course.
I frowned.
Each time I felt something good, whether physical or emotional, the feeling of guilt overwhelmed me. I wanted to share these happy moments with John more than anyone else, but he wasn’t here. I looked over at Xavier, who in the past four months had shown me more affection than I deserved. He was quickly becoming one of the most important men in my life, and I didn’t know how to control the feelings I was having. I appreciated his help, thoughtfulness, and care with all of my heart, but I didn’t know what it all meant.
“You’re blushing.”
Mary must have been watching me.
“What?”
“I would give anything to know what you’re thinking about.”
I shook my head. If I knew what all this thinking I was doing meant, I would have explained it to myself.
“It’s okay, honey. This isn’t new to me. All women think about Xavier.” She rolled her eyes. Part of me thought that secretly Mary liked Xavier more than she could admit, but again, it was a brotherly love; while I thought of Xavier that way as well, that boundary was beginning to blur more each day.
“He’s an amazing guy.”
“He is.”
“Mary, can I ask you a question? Do you know what happened to his son?”
“I do. Xavier blames himself for Casper’s death. He shouldn’t.”
“How did he die?”
“A rare heart disorder. Xavier had just completed his residency when Casper was diagnosed. There was nothing anyone could have done. Xavier put hours, days, and weeks into research and still came up without a solution. It took a toll on both him and Lisa. When you’re with him, I see the old Xavier I used to know – the loving father and husband.”
“He was married?”
“No, but they acted like they were. The pregnancy was a surprise, but with Xavier’s medical exams, they never had a chance to make wedding plans. They set a date, but then Casper’s diagnosis came in, and the date was changed from a wedding to a funeral. It broke them both. Xavier wasn’t the only one who blamed himself. Lisa never forgave him. It tore them apart.”
“I can’t even imagine,” I whispered.
But I could. I felt his pain. I could even taste it every time my tears slid down my cheek straight into my mouth when I thought about Mikey. And then there was John, who was my only family. We were supposed to be happy, and I had ruined everything.
I pushed the thought aside. I didn’t want to spoil Cameron’s christening with sad memories, and so I reached into my purse – which of course used to be Mary’s purse – and removed the small box.
“I’d like you to have this. It’s for Cameron, but he may not be old enough for it yet.”
“Thank you, Anna. You know you didn’t have to.”
“I know. I wanted to.”
Mary opened the box, gently pulling on the delicate ribbon to untie the blue bow. She captured the platinum necklace, looping it over her finger. It dangled there, shining brighter than gold, and I smiled.
“It’s an angel,” she said. “It’s beautiful.”
“I had it blessed. It’s Archangel Michael, and he will protect Cameron.”
“Anna, I… I don’t even know what to say. It’s too expensive.”
“Too expensive” weren’t exactly words I was used to hearing from Mary. Yes, it was more than I could afford, but Mary and John had given me so much, I had truly bought the gift from my heart; and seeing Mary’s reaction, it was worth every last penny. Tears were streaming down her face. She appeared so overwhelmed with emotion that she could barely catch a breath.
“Oh, don’t cry. There are enough sad days in our lives as it is. Be happy, Mary. Today is a good day.”
“I know. Thank you. I’m just so glad that you’re in our lives.”
There was one other place I’d rather be than here, but this was definitely the next best thing. “And I’m happy to be here. But you know I need to go back home.”
“Not yet, Anna. Please, I don’t know how I could handle being here on my own.”
“It wouldn’t be for long; a few days at the most. I need to tell someone about our little one, and I need to do it soon.”
“Anna, don’t do anything stupid.” She leaned in closer to me, lowering her voice to a whisper. “I know what kind of a man you’re dealing with, and believe you me, you want to be as far away from him with your baby as you can. Nothing’s worth taking a chance if you’re risking your little one.”
Her words stung. Was I already a bad mother because I wanted to go see John and tell him the truth? Was I being a bad mother by staying away from Pace and not telling this child’s father that he would be one? If he knew where I was, Ben would have dragged me all the way across the country by my hair. I didn’t care about myself, but I wouldn’t let him lay a finger on our baby girl, and since my baby girl would depend on me for a few more years, my life felt a little more precious than before.
“I wouldn’t risk her. Never.”
“I know, honey. I know.”
So why did it feel like it was never the right time to go back to Pace? I prayed for a safe trip there every evening and every morning, but I began to wonder how a trip was supposed to be safe if it wasn’t happening at all.
When I looked at Mary again, she was looking at me in a funny way, motioning with her eyes to the side. I turned to see Xavier standing beside us. His hand was stretched out as he waited for me to accept it.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“I was wondering if you’d like to dance.”
“I didn’t know there would be dancing here.”
“Neither did I, but I couldn’t resist when I saw you in that sunlight. Your hair looks golden. You look like a sunflower.”
I felt a delicate kick from Mary underneath the table, so I took his hand. The music was slow and I easily recognized the song because it had been playing on the radio every day. As I swayed to the words I want to know what love is, for the first time in my life, I felt the need to feel true love. I needed to feel it from the inside out. I wanted to smile every day, be happy every day, and give this little one in my tummy everything she has ever deserved. When Xavier held me securely in his arms, I could feel a portion of that. Was it because he was holding back? Or was it me, keeping my distance away from him?
The most difficult question to answer, though, was why I was even considering Xavier not holding back. I loved John. I needed him, and our baby needed him as well. Yet still, the man holding me in his arms had that aura about him that I felt missing in my life. But that was because I missed John, wasn’t it?
“Tell me more about your family, Xavier.”
“I would if there were anything to tell. Jack and I were raised in the same foster home. He’s like a brother to me. He’s the only true family I’ve had. You could say it was love at first sight since the moment he shared a piece of his gum with me.”
“That’s sweet. What about Casper? You lost your baby boy.” My heart ached when I said the words out loud, as if reminding myself that I too had lost one. I felt his body tense against mine, but a fraction of that stress disappeared when I let my fingers gently swipe over his neck above the shirt collar.
“He was very sick. I wanted to help him, but… I failed him.”
“Mary says there was nothing anyone could have done.”
“I was his father. He was counting on me, and I failed him. That’s why it’s so important for you to tell John. He’ll want to be there for his child. He’ll want to protect her as much as I wanted to protect Casper.”
“I know, and that’s why we should make that trip to Pace before it’s too late. I need to see John. I need to tell him about our baby.”
He nodded. “I feel like I should be objecting to this, but I think we can manage. You shouldn’t be afraid, Anna. I wouldn’t risk your life if I didn’t think I could pull this off.”
“Thank you. I don’t know what I’ll ever be able to do to repay you.”
“Anyone who deserves your love must be very special.”
I felt my heart skip a beat. “Do you really think it’s safe?”
“If it’s not, then I will make it safe.”
Okay. We’ll make the trip, then.
Suddenly my heart began beating hard. I was full of nerves, and for a moment I felt as if someone had shot adrenaline straight into my veins.
“Why are you doing all this? Why are you so good to me?”
“You’re a very special woman. You deserve to be loved with a whole heart, Anna. If you ever let me, I would love you. I would love you like a man should love a woman; but your soul and your body deserve all my attention, and I can’t give that to you until it can all be accepted. But I’ll wait and I’ll be there in whatever capacity you need me to be.”
I gasped and felt something wet drip down the inside of my leg. A puddle of water formed on the floor, and my gaze connected with Xavier’s.
It looked like our plans to travel to Pace would have to wait.