By the morning on the third day, I was sitting on a rock outside our tent in the mountains. About five miles out in the distance, the flat roofs in Pace blended with the background. I’d never seen my town from this point of view, and compared to New York, it looked almost foreign, lost and forgotten. The only part of my return that felt nice was the beautiful weather. Worst of all, the town appeared to be abandoned, although we knew it wasn’t because Xavier had scouted the area last night. Life went on, and Ben still lived there with his family.
At the thought of possibly seeing him, I couldn’t help feeling apprehensive, though we were hoping we wouldn’t run into him. During the past forty-eight hours, Xavier had been watching a little screen with a traveling dot. It looked very futuristic, and he’d explained that it was a beacon he’d left at the motel. So far this morning, before Xavier went out to the woods, the beacon had remained at the Bistro.
The sound of approaching footsteps crunching over the rocky footing forced me to turn around.
“I found some gooseberries.” He held out his cupped hand for me, and I tossed a few into my mouth.
“I used to love these as a kid. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. You look calm.”
“I’m nervous and anxious. It’s beyond time that I made contact with John. It feels like so much has happened in the past sixteen months. I feel guilty and selfish that I’ve spent that time without him.”
“You were a pregnant woman trying to survive on her own, and now you have a baby and a godson whose life you’ve saved. I wouldn’t call that selfish.”
“My life has changed so much, I just hope that he still wants to be part of it.”
“What if he doesn’t?” Xavier asked.
“What?”
I’d never truly considered the possibility. What if Xavier was right? What if John didn’t want anything to do with me?
“I’m not saying that he won’t. He’d be a foolish man if he didn’t.”
I warmed at his words.
“What I am trying to say is that you should keep an open mind. Look how much your life has changed while away. If John had Ben Cortez hanging over his head, I’m pretty sure he had his hands full as well.”
Xavier sat down on the rocks beside me, and I picked some more gooseberries out of his palm.
“I hope you’re right. I just have this weird feeling in my stomach, like my life is about to be changed forever.”
The sides of our arms touched, and I leaned my head to the side, resting it on his shoulder. He was one of the most comfortable people in my life to be around. Xavier reached his arm around me, pulling me closer.
Why was I dreading this reunion? I knew that part of the reason was the scary possibility of running into Ben, but it felt like so much more.
“No matter what happens, remember that you have a family back in New York.”
“Thank you. I don’t think I’d be alive today if it weren’t for you and Jack. Actually, I know I wouldn’t be.”
“So, since we’re on this honesty streak, I don’t want to freak you out, but there’s something I need to tell you. Three years ago, when I showed up in Pace, it wasn’t because I got lost on my way to Jack’s wedding.”
“What do you mean? I know when Jack got married. Mary’s shown me their wedding pictures.”
“Yes, I was still going to the wedding, I just got sidetracked to check out a lead. The Cortez family was that lead.”
“Wait – are you telling me that someone put a bounty on their head?”
“Yes, and not just someone. The government.” Xavier stood up and reached for something in his backpack. When I saw him check the metal piece, I froze.
“You have a gun?”
“Well, of course I have a gun. What did you expect me to bring? A pair of scissors?”
“A gun can kill.”
“That’s the point.”
“I can’t let you kill. It’s wrong.”
“I hope you don’t need to be reminded who the Cortez family is.”
No, I definitely didn’t need a reminder.
“You’re getting paid to get rid of them?”
“Whoa, hold on. That’s not what I said. My job doesn’t always involve murders or kidnappings. Someone needed information, and I got it to them.”
“So the Cortez family has important enemies? That’s great.”
“Yeah. It’s a little difficult not to have enemies when you steal fifty million.”
I gasped. “You know?”
He looked at me funny. “Wait – you know as well?”
“It depends if what I know is what you know.”
He cocked his head to the side. “Ben Cortez has a bounty on his head, but only because his father and uncle are leading one of the most lucrative smuggling operations in the world. The government is looking for leads beyond the Cortez family. They want to find all the people who are connected, and that’s why I was there. Around the time you left Pace, a transaction for fifty million dollars was supposed to happen — money for drugs and weapons — but it never did. The police had the place staked out. They pretty much had an army ready to arrest four cartel families, but no one showed up. I wanted to ask you about Ben when you first came to New York, but you were so fragile and you were pregnant. I didn’t want to stress you. I guess it doesn’t matter now.
Oh, my God!
I stole that money. I never planned to do anything with it. I was mad and in grief. I just wanted Ben to suffer. I wanted him to feel a fraction of my pain. But was I the reason he was still free? Was I the reason four crime families were free?
“Now, what fifty million are you talking about?” Xavier pulled me out of my thoughts.
“I think we’re talking about the same fifty million. Before I left, I saw some duffle bags stuffed with cash in one of the back rooms. Mateo and Pablo were saying that it wasn’t even everything.”
“And then what?”
“And then I left before anyone saw me.”
I wanted to tell Xavier the truth, but sometimes the truth was worse than keeping your mouth shut. The less anyone else knew, the less danger they’d be exposed to. I would never give up the spot where I hid that money and I’d be happy if it all rotted there.
I grasped the short grass at my sides, hoping that I could find a reason behind my actions. “So, the transaction didn’t happen for Alejandro and Juan Pablo, and they’re just walking away?”
“Far from it. Alejandro skipped out on a fifty-million-dollar obligation. No one closes their eyes to that kind of money. There’s been a lot of whispers about someone taking the brothers out. They’ve been able to stall for a couple of years, but with the recent trips out of town, I think they may be on the move.”
“Maybe they’re just smuggling more?”
“That’s possible too. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.”
Maybe I should tell Xavier about the money. Would he be upset? Would he think I’d kept the secret from him on purpose? Possibly, and maybe I would tell him soon, but at this moment I didn’t want to distract his attention away from the purpose of our trip. I had to tell John about Hope. Once we returned, I would tell Xavier about the money.
“So we’re leaving this evening?”
“In about an hour, actually. We’ll need to get closer to town first. I’m going to take a nap. You should do so as well. It’ll be a long day.”
I followed Xavier’s lead and went back to my tent, zipping it shut. I tried to sleep, but when real monsters from the past were within a few miles, I found it difficult to close my eyes.
*
The sun began to scorch my skin by the time we reached the town’s edge. I huddled behind Xavier who seemed to be shielding me from anything and everything that was ahead. He had a broad presence about him that made me feel safe. About a mile out we descended down a hole that looked like a sewer.
“They transport the money through the tunnels.”
“What if they see us?”
“They’re not here now.” Xavier checked his tiny monitor. “We’re good.”
When we reached the back steps of the church, my heart was hammering in my chest.
“Stay close. Don’t do anything unless I say it’s okay.”
“Like what?”
“Like run into John’s arms when you see him before I have a chance to make sure he’s alone.”
Oh!
I could see how that could get me into trouble, and so I grasped the corner of Xavier’s sweatshirt at the back and followed him. The church was empty. I wedged my body into a nook between the confessional and the wall as Xavier went outside to check the perimeter. We took a chance coming here, but given that it was just before Christmas, I knew John would be helping Father Francis with the preparations. If we couldn’t find him here, we’d go to John’s family home.
“Okay, stay here until I get back.”
I knelt on one of the side pews of the empty Holy Name of Mary church. Being here today felt different, and for the first time since we crossed into town, I realized that the weird sensation I had in my stomach was one of not belonging. I could feel a change in the air, but couldn’t quite figure out what it was. Had I changed? Was it the town? It certainly looked the same. Feeling uneasy, I shifted in my seat. I wasn’t used to seeing the altar from the side, and so I peeked from behind a pillar. Near the three central steps, John was flipping through a few pages of paper. His back was turned to me, and he was still wearing his mass cloak. I quickly stepped out of the pew and tiptoed toward him.
“John?” I whispered.
His body stiffened, and I felt a shudder pass through me. He turned in slow motion. I held my breath, watching his face appear from the side. I could feel my mouth lift into a curve and I touched my lips with my fingertips to actually feel the smile. This couldn’t be real. My heart was pounding, and my eyes were on the verge of losing a battle with the tears I was holding back. I hadn’t been this happy in what felt like years, and with that happiness came a sudden feeling of pain as my mind pounded with information I was supposed to register but didn’t. I didn’t want to listen to it. I didn’t want to listen to anyone, and so I ran toward him, slamming into his body with my full force. The papers he was holding flew out of his hands and up in the air. I tightened my grip around his neck and glued myself to his body, breathing him deeply into my lungs. The smell of candle wax and incense filled me.
“You’re alive? Oh, God! I can’t believe you’re alive!” Holding me in his arms, John started shaking, and I ran my hands up and down his back to comfort him. I held on to him so hard that I was afraid I’d hurt him. I finally took his face between my hands and kissed him hard on his lips. He didn’t respond, and so I smoothed my fingers over his cheeks, speaking against his mouth. “John, I missed you so much. I have so much to tell you.” I pulled back to look into his brown eyes.
But his mouth was hard, and his lips didn’t reciprocate the kiss. I slowly slid down his body until my heels gently touched the stone church floor. A desperate squeak escaped from underneath my left foot as if it wanted to run away because it registered what I was looking at before the rest of me did. All that information that had been trying to break through to my brain was now suddenly pounding at my scalp – that the white collar over John’s Adam’s apple, neatly snuggled into the collar of his black shirt, wasn’t supposed to be there.
“John? What is this?”
“Anna, how are you here?”
What did he mean, how was I here? Why did it matter how I got here?
“Are you a priest?” I took a step back. “Please tell me that what I’m looking at isn’t real.”
“Anna,” he reached for me, touching my cheek. When I backed away, he lowered his hand. “Yes, I am a priest. I didn’t expect you to come here.”
“I didn’t come back to Pace because the man who killed our son wanted me dead, and you decided to become a priest? You said you would wait for me. How could you have thought I wouldn’t come back?”
“Anna. I… I thought you were dead.”
What? Why would he have ever thought that?
“But I sent you postcards.”
“What postcards?”
“Two of them. And Xavier left you a note in the rectory.”
“A note?” He appeared to be thinking back in time, and then he whispered, “Learn from yesterday, Live for today, and Hope for tomorrow.”
“Yes. I thought you’d know it was from me.”
“But given that I thought you weren’t alive, I thought Father Francis had scribbled the note because we talked about moving Mikey’s grave to the crypt.”
Oh, my God! Mikey!
I felt my throat tighten at the mention of our son.
“Anna, I’m so sorry. I know it hurts. It will hurt us for a long time if not forever. If I’d only known…”
“But I told you…” I was on the verge of a breakdown. It was coming, and I didn’t know how to stop it. “When were you ordained?”
“This past September. What happened to you? Where have you been all this time?”
“I found good people who helped me. I… I almost died, but they helped me.”
He shook his head, then clutched his hair with his fists. For a moment I saw a sign of the man I once knew flash across his face.
“Please don’t cry,” he said softly. “Come here. Sit down.” John guided me to one of the pews, and just as fast as the man who used to love me appeared, he was gone. John was a priest. My daughter’s father was a priest. How could I tell him the truth now? But I had to. He had the right to know.
“I didn’t think you’d give up on me, John.” My voice was shaking. “I thought you’d wait. I thought…”
“Anna, I never gave up on you, and I’ve prayed for you every single day and night, but I did think that I had lost everything. Everything I loved and cherished was suddenly torn away from me, and all I had left was God.”
“But I wasn’t gone.” My voice was so low that I could barely hear it.
“I didn’t know that. To me, I first lost Mikey and then I lost you. I couldn’t live with the pain. When the news of your death came two months after you left, I wanted to give up on life. I wanted to go out there, find your body, and bury you beside Mikey, where I could visit you both. Mikey was gone. You were gone. I… I had no one left.”
But there was someone else left. Except John had never known about her. I’d never gotten a chance to tell him that I was carrying his child. A child who was kept safe by a man who had kept his promise.
“I had no one left but God. I put my life into God’s hands. I let Him decide my future.”
I shook my head. This was not the way I’d planned our reunion. It was supposed to be different. I wasn’t supposed to be devastated. As I listened to him, tears streamed down my face. My heart had begun breaking in half the moment I saw that white collar on his shirt, and now I felt as if a piece of it was hanging by its last threads.
“I still love you,” he said. “I will always love you, but that love has changed for me. What it means to love has changed for me.”
“I don’t think I can do this, John. I don’t think I can live here, with you.” I shook my head. “It would hurt too much.”
John took my hands into his. He rubbed his thumbs over my palms. “I know this may hurt, but I think my choice of devotion would have remained the same. I didn’t recognize the signs until I thought I’d lost everything. I think eventually, I would have chosen the same path. And look at the beautiful woman you’ve become. You look the same, but stronger and more confident. Maybe you leaving was the best thing that could have happened to both of us.”
He would have chosen God over me. It was the right choice, but it still made me feel crummy. Yet if there was anyone I could lose the love of my life to, God was a good choice.
“What happens now?” I whispered.
“You shouldn’t have come back, Anna. When you left, Ben was mad. He went crazy talking about stolen money and talked about hunting you for the rest of your life. He still talks about you as if you were alive, but no one knows you’re here, right? I’ll keep you safe at the church for now, and we can figure out what to do tomorrow morning. But we should go somewhere more private.”
“But I still don’t understand. Why did you think I was dead? How did that happen?”
“Because I told him you were.”
The voice shook through me, vibrating my organs, setting the adrenaline in my body on high alert. Its lethal echo carried across the church. When I turned around, Ben was standing in the open doorway with a gun pointed our way.