There’s something sexy about a man holding a baby. Xavier sat in the corner chair by the window where the morning sun shone brightest and warmed that part of the apartment more than any other. Wearing only her diaper, Hope was sleeping on his chest, and I couldn’t stop staring at them both. It was still difficult to believe how much she’d grown during the past four months. Hope had survived against all odds. She survived because Xavier knew a neonatal doctor who’d agreed to give my premature baby a chance when she struggled to breathe. She fought like a true warrior. Her strength reminded me of John’s will and perseverance.
During the past four months since Hope’s birth, we’d managed to fall into a comfortable routine of having a new baby. No more feeding tubes or late nights at the hospital. No more scary moments when we thought she’d stopped breathing, and no more fears of losing my baby.
I would still face challenges, but we’d tackle them one at a time. I’d prayed, and therefore believed, that my baby would grow up to be a healthy young woman. I’d pictured her living somewhere in New York, walking around in high heels in a business suit. More and more women were finding their way into the business world, and by the time Hope grew up, she could be anyone she wanted to be, maybe even President.
That’s what I wanted for her, at least: safety, peace, and opportunities. I wanted her to be as brave as her father and as giving as her godparents, Jack and Mary. Hope had been baptized the day she was born because I didn’t know whether she would survive at all. It was God who gave her the strength to fight, and my friends didn’t even hesitate to agree.
Looking at her now, sleeping so peacefully, was a dream come true. Except the man I’d imagined holding her that way wasn’t here.
And then there was Xavier. The man who’d been my constant support. He held my hand when I gave birth to Hope. He wiped my forehead and reassured me that she’d survive. I cried that first night, but Hope gained strength with every hour. She was resilient, just like her father.
Xavier was where John should have been, and it was my fault that John didn’t know about our daughter.
“Would it be safe to travel with a baby?” I asked him. Xavier shifted in the sun, and Hope opened her mouth a few times before settling into her sleep again.
“Travel where?” Xavier kept his gaze on Hope. The corner of his mouth lifted as her eyes moved underneath the eyelids.
“To Pace. It’s well beyond time to tell John.”
He kept his attention on Hope as if she were the only one who mattered. She was, of course, and his overly attentive attitude was appreciated, but I had to find a way to tell John.
“I think you’ve been away from Pace too long and don’t remember why you left.”
Was he kidding? Of course I remembered. The day I lost Mikey was the worst one of my life, and the anniversary of his death next month wasn’t any easier. I mourned him every night. I prayed for his little soul to reach heaven, and I’d taken my vengeance on his murderer — except now I was beginning to wonder whether burning the house and stealing Ben’s money was worth Hope’s life. Had I avenged one life but risked another?
But at the time, I was a mother filled with grief who had just lost a child. I wasn’t thinking. I was… mad.
“Anna, Hope is still so tiny and delicate. We can’t take her with us. She’s gone through so much the past few months with her lungs that the last thing she needs right now is a two-and-a-half-thousand-mile trip. She needs to stay home.”
I knew that. Of course I did, but… John was supposed to be here. He was supposed to be the one who woke up in the middle of the night to change her diaper. Hope was supposed to stop crying at the sound of John’s voice, not Xavier’s. She was supposed to grow up back home, in Pace, and I was robbing her of that. I’d stolen her father’s first months with her. John would never get those back. He would never see her first smile or know that she liked it when Xavier sang the lyrics to the latest radio hit, Every Breath You Take.
“This is not her home.” I stomped out of the room and went straight to my bedroom. This wasn’t even my home, and it wasn’t my room. It was a guest bedroom. I was supposed to be on my own by now, caring for my child with John at my side; yet here I was, in Xavier’s apartment, just like I’d been since the first day Jack found me in that alley. I was still grateful that he’d found me. I always would be. I felt like I had everything; yet I was missing the important things that I wanted to have, like John.
I felt a warm sensation in my chest and lowered my gaze to my leaking breasts.
“Damn it!”
I pulled the t-shirt over my head and removed the stained bra, throwing it into the laundry hamper. The pads I’d placed there were soaked. I reached into the drawer for a fresh bra and heard the door squeak. Xavier’s eyes flew open, and I quickly covered my leaking breasts with my palms.
“I know this is… ” He stopped mid-sentence, startled, staring at me, and I just stood there, open mouthed, confused by the sudden need for a man’s touch as milk dripped from underneath my palms.
“Xavier… ahm…”
It didn’t take him long to decide whether to leave the room. The heat of his stare penetrated me to the bone, and it felt so right that I ached to feel that passion I felt emanating from him. Seeing him standing there half-naked, I wanted to be in his arms. I wanted him to hold me, to kiss me and to make this beautiful fairy tale I’d been living in a reality.
“I’m not sorry for what I’m about to do, but I know that I will be after it’s done.”
I held my breath and watched him take the three long steps to reach me. He curved his hands over my cheeks and sealed his lips over mine, joining us in a way that I shamefully admitted I’d dreamt about. My arms dropped to the sides and my breasts found their resting place against his hard chest. The ache in my nipples increased at the touch of his skin, which was lightly sprinkled with hair. Our mouths sealed, one over the other, joining in a dance that neglected the rest of the world.
Hope’s soft cry from the family room pulled us apart and Xavier let go. I felt empty and naked at the loss of contact, completely unfulfilled.
“I’m not sorry.” He shook his head as he stepped away, back toward the door. “Because it felt too right. But this is the only time this will happen, Anna. I promise that I won’t touch you again unless you ask me to.”
Touch me, I thought. Please touch me.
I slowly lowered my gaze to my bare chest. My nipples stood tall, calling out Xavier’s name. The ache to rub against his hard chest kept them erect and in need. Suddenly the lower part of my body felt as deprived as the top, and the heating sensation between my legs was beginning to be unbearable. I finally reached for a t-shirt and pulled it over my head just before he left to check on Hope.
Bracing my hands on the chest drawer, I took a deep breath in and then released it.
What just happened?
My heart was racing, my legs were shaking, and my mind was spinning with impure thoughts about a man who wasn’t even emotionally available.
I love John.
I quickly pulled my hair into a bun and went to the kitchen. Wearing his jogging pants, Xavier was sitting on the living room couch. His elbows were resting on his knees and he was holding his head between his hands. I grabbed a pen and dated the last bag of milk I’d pumped earlier before placing it in the freezer.
“Xavier?”
“I shouldn’t have done that.”
“I should look for a place this week.”
His head flew up. “I like having you here. I like having Hope here as well.”
“I know, but this isn’t good for you or me. We can’t be together. We won’t be together because I love John. He’s Hope’s father.”
“I know, Anna. I know.” Pained sadness filled his eyes, and I realized that my words hurt him.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, and turned around to head to my room.
“What are you sorry for?” he asked before I could leave.
I moved past the dining table and took a turn to sit on the couch beside Xavier. The only thing as bad as not having John here with me would be to have one of the few people I could count on be upset with me.
“I’m sorry for bringing chaos into your life,” I said.
“The only things you brought into my life are love and hope. Live for today, remember? That’s why I’m not sorry for kissing you. I never will be. My palate can finally validate that you taste like a sunflower. And all I have left to do now is hope for tomorrow.”
Xavier’s eyes sparked with an emotion I hadn’t seen before. It was mixed with a need and a sense of urgency at the same time.
“Xavier, I’m sorry… you know that we can’t…”
“I know. Still, I’m grateful for having you here the past year, and I wouldn’t change the time we’ve had for anything. All I want is for you to be happy and for Hope to be healthy.” His gaze shifted to the side. “I think she’ll be okay now, and I guess it’s time for me to make sure that you’re happy as well. I realize that the only way to do that is to get you to John.”
I was happy and sad at the same time. I was grateful for my new friendships, and I would forever be indebted to both Jack and Mary until the day I died. And Xavier, who had sacrificed not only his personal life and space but had also given me everything an expectant mother needed and so much more, would forever hold a special place in my heart. I knew I wouldn’t have survived New York without him. If it weren’t for him, that constant emptiness in my heart would have been unbearable. I didn’t know how, but somehow Xavier managed to soothe the pain.
“I am happy. I just think that I’m too happy. And guilty. I feel guilty as well. I need to see John.”
“I’ll send someone next week to check for us, but we should still wait a few more months, at least until maybe we can leave Hope with Mary. Anna, I’ve heard the rumors about what happened to Mikey firsthand, and I think I would die if anything like that ever happened to Hope.”
I felt shivers cover my arms. They swept there first before marching through my body like an army, shouting with warning.
“Okay, if Mary can take care of Hope in two months, we’ll go. No matter what. Please promise me that, Xavier. I don’t think I can stand keeping her away from John much longer.”
When he looked up, I saw a shade of sadness pass across his eyes. It broke my heart. I shouldn’t have let him kiss me like that. I shouldn’t have given him any hope when there was none. Yet at that moment, I’d felt my heart beat with an argument stronger than a thousand comets falling all at once.
“I promise that when Hope is well and September comes, I’ll take you to see John. I will go with you to Pace to tell him about his daughter, and I’ll do everything to ensure our trip is safe.”
“I’m sorry, Xavier.”
“For what? You need to stop apologizing for… for feeling. You did nothing wrong.”
“I’m hurting you by staying here. I know I’m confusing you.”
I was confused as well. While my heart yearned for John, it also ached for Xavier. The past year I’d spent here had tied me to this man more than I’d realized.
“You’ve done nothing to confuse me, Anna. What a heart wants is what a heart wants. I can’t change that, and neither can you.”
Was it me that his heart wanted? On some level, I wanted him to need me as much as I needed him. I wanted him to feel that fulfillment I felt when I was in his caring arms. But it was wrong. John was supposed to be the one whose support I needed, not Xavier.
“He’ll want to come with me. If I’m coming back, I’m not coming back alone, Xavier. I’m coming back with John. Do you understand what that means?”
It was like the unspoken truth we’d lived with for the past few months had finally been set free. I was slowly falling for another man whose heart I would inevitably break, and I had no choice but to do so. I had no choice but to introduce my daughter to her father, who despite not knowing that she even existed, I was sure loved her with his whole heart.
“I understand. He needs to know, and you need a fair chance.”
Feeling pain tread on the tip of his tongue, I nodded. “We’ll go in September then,” I said. “I’ll talk to Mary.”
“And I’ll start planning the trip.”
This time, the shadow of sadness completely filled his eyes. It pained me to see him hurt. I wanted to say I’m sorry, but that would be like saying that I didn’t want to see John, and I wanted that more than anything. I wanted him to know how it felt to hold Hope in his arms. I wanted to see his reaction when he saw her smile or when she reached another one of her milestones. What I didn’t expect was for time to steal another three months from our lives. I didn’t expect that the time to repay my debts would come earlier than I’d planned.