Gazing down at the debit card resting in my hand, I smiled at it’s glossy, dark red coating and held back a happy sigh. My tight chest could barely contain my excitement, my joy, and I flipped the card in my palm a few times before glancing up at Kayla across the table. She wore the expression of a proud mother bird whose chick had just learned to fly, and I blushed hard before she even opened her mouth.

“You’re so cute, Lilly. I know this is a big step for you, but you gotta calm down or you’ll bust an artery.” A little giggle escaped me at Kayla’s bad attempt to scold me, and I shook my head before slipping my card reluctantly into my wallet. “So, what are you going to do now that you’re a millionaire?”

“I- actually, I was going to go shopping. I haven’t gotten any new clothes since my senior year of high school, you know.” The confession coated my tongue with a weird taste, and I fiddled with my wallet absently. “I don’t like clothes shopping… but I have to do it.”

“Okay. Did you want to get anything specific, or just what feels good on you?” Kayla tried to hide it, but I could hear her excitement about going shopping. Smiling weakly at the question, I shrugged absently even as my mind flew back to Saturday night.

Richard seemed to really like what I had worn; I couldn’t deny it was a good idea to borrow Kayla’s clothes. But now- now I wanted some for myself, and I finally had the money.

“Sorta. That’s why I need your help. I was thinking we could go to New York… you know- get some nice stuff.” Just like I knew they would, Kayla’s eyes widened to the point that her brown irises were barely visible, and my smile turned into a grin. Shopping in New York was on her bucket list, and I could afford to splurge a little. She was my best friend, after all; with everything I put her through, she deserved a little pampering.

“Are you serious? Lilly- are you serious?” Punching at the air, Kayla squealed in ecstasy as the table jolted from her knees bouncing against it, and I nodded firmly. “That’s great! We’re going to have so much fun! The train will suck, but it’ll be so worth it!”

“What’ll be fun?” Twisting to watch Kayla’s mom saunter into the dining room with a cookie sheet of leftover, heated pizza in her hands, I smiled as my stomach growled loudly. Sliding into the seat between us, Mrs. Porter handed out paper plates with arched brows and curiosity in her bright eyes.

“Lilly and I are going to go shopping in New York!” A shocked gasp followed Kayla’s high-pitched squeal, and Mrs. Porter captured my gaze to smile widely. Silently taking a slice of pizza off the tray, I blew on the tip before taking a scalding bite. The cheese burned the roof of my mouth, and I groaned at the greasy goodness of the crunchy crust as it cracked loudly between my teeth.

“That’s wonderful! Maybe I’ll go with you two. It can be like a weekend vacation.” Warmth filled my chest at how easily Mrs. Porter just accepted what we wanted to do, and she turned to her daughter with a smile cresting her cheeks. “I don’t know if I trust you two in a city like that.”

The tease pulled a bark of laughter from my throat, and I coughed harshly around my pizza bite. Squeezing my eyes closed, I missed Kayla’s expression, but when I blinked she was sticking her tongue out indignantly.

“I’ll have you know that Lilly is very dependable, Mom. You can trust her not to do anything stupid, which means you can trust her not to let me do anything stupid. Besides, it’s just shopping. We’re not planning to be there more than a day.” Actually, we weren’t really planning what to do. We’re just going to do it. The words floated between my friend and I on a look, and a sly smirk slipped onto my face. Heat filled my face, and I nibbled on my pizza before turning my gaze to Mrs. Porter as she nodded with a little smirk of her own.

“Of course, I can trust her. I just don’t trust you, Kayla. So-“ Twisting to me, Mrs. Porter propped her elbow on the table to hold her chin in a well-manicured hand. “Do your parents know you want to do this, honey? Or is this one of those instances where ‘what they don’t know won’t hurt them’ applies?”

“Uh- uh… I wasn’t going to tell them… you know my mom would never let me go. Even if she finds out afterwards, all she can do is be mad.” My confession only confirmed what Mrs. Porter already knew, and she nodded with a slight, sour twist in her expression. They’d met once- Mrs. Porter and my mother.

And they both hated each other. Granted, there wasn’t much my mom didn’t hate.

“Well, I certainly won’t tell her. Just like I won’t tell her about the date you went on on Saturday.” Stiffening at that, I stared at Mrs. Porter through wide eyes even as her slight grimace turned into a gentle smile. Reaching with her free hand to cover mine, her bracelet tinked in the heart pounding silence that followed her promise. “Don’t get me wrong, Lilly- I’m not sure how I feel about you dating, just like I was with Kayla. But I’m glad you were safe about it. You did everything right.”

“Uh- uh… uh- but- I-“ I was speechless, sputtering out a reply that I couldn’t even formulate. My heart threatened to burst from my chest, and I gulped down the saliva that wanted to choke me before blurting out the first thing that came to mind. “But we had sex!”

Clamping both my hands over my mouth, every ounce of blood in my body rushed to my face as my pizza fell half onto my plate. Across the table, Kayla smacked her forehead with a loud crack that thundered in the shocked silence, but I couldn’t tear my eyes off her mom. She didn’t look at all surprised, even going so far as to give me a smile filled with tender understanding.

“But you were safe. Lilly, honey- you can’t feel ashamed for having sex. You brought Kayla with you, and I’m sure the man was respectful to you because you’re not a blithering, crying mess about it. Honestly, that’s all I want for you- to be safe. I know you wouldn’t do this on a whim- it was a real, rational decision… and that’s perfectly okay. You understand that, right?” The seriousness in Mrs. Porter’s voice brought tears to my eyes, and I sucked in a hard breath before jerking my head in a nod. I’d debated telling her, but here she was- gathering up everything and figuring it out herself. Gently prying my hands from my face, she caressed my cheek with something akin to pride shining her gaze. “You did nothing wrong, honey. The sex doesn’t matter- the only thing that matters is how you feel about yourself afterwards. If you don’t feel like it was a mistake, then it wasn’t.”

“I- I… I don’t… It wasn’t… Rich- he’s- I…” Casting a needy glance at Kayla, I pursed my lips together as my words failed me. My friend still looked dazed, and she shook her head hard and hit the table with her palm. A fierce passion overtook her expression, and I held my breath in aching lungs as her loud, crackling voice wrapped around me.

“You shoulda seen it, Mom!” Drawing her mother’s attention, Kayla clasped her hands to her chest as Mrs. Porter’s fell from my cheek. “It was disgustingly sweet! I was there- outside the door- and I swear! I swear- there was no better way Lilly could’ve popped her cherry! He even offered to stop! What the Hell kind of guy does that? And he didn’t even care that I was there… in fact, he welcomed it! It was- it was- it was weird!”

Kayla was panting by the end of her squeaky tirade, and I sunk into my seat to drown in embarrassment. Pulling my curls over my face with shaking hands, I squeezed my eyes shut as my gut churned violently.

But I was happy.

“He sounds like a wonderful man, Lilly.” Speaking calmly, Mrs. Porter stroked my hair but didn’t try to move it. My tears started in earnest at her complete acceptance of what I’d done, and I sniffled harshly even as my heart ruptured to leak relief into my chest. “If you ever want to, you should bring him over. I’d love to meet him.”

I couldn’t make any type of response, and Mrs. Porter didn’t push for one. The atmosphere slowly became less suffocating, and I reached with trembling fingers to snatch my nearly forgotten slice of pizza. Not bothering to move my hair out of the way, I nibbled on the end, but it was ash against my taste buds. Forcing myself to eat, I swiped away the hot tears that stained my cheeks as a familiar notion popped into my head.

There were many times over the years that I’d thought this particular thought. Even when my mom and I were on relatively good terms, I couldn’t stop it from invading my mind.

I wished Mrs. Porter was my mother.