Three days flew by until Kayla’s birthday, and I stood stiffly before her front door as I worked up the courage to knock. She never liked anything I gave her for holidays, and after a few years, I just started giving her things I knew she would hate.

It was a joke- a bad joke that was never funny.

“Lilly! Honey! Just come in- you know you can.” The door swung open to reveal Lilly’s mom, and I blushed as she spoke around the growing gap between the barrier and the frame. Her hair had been straightened, but I could see it wanting to curl tightly at the ends. Absently scanning her crisp, floral shirt and plain, blue jeans, I smiled at how relaxed she looked.

My mother would never be caught dead in anything less than a four-piece formal, even at home. Pushing back the creeping negativity, I held up my burden awkwardly as Mrs. Porter stepped aside to let me in.

“It’s still polite to knock. Uh- is Kayla upstairs?” The gracefully aging woman had a glint in her eye that I couldn’t quite understand as she nodded. Gently relieving me of my gift, she nodded, and her earrings tinkled softly when she whirled around to set the wrapped box on the kitchen island.

“Yeah. Lilly, honey, make sure she doesn’t go too crazy for me, okay? If she starts drinking too much, call me. I’ll come pick you up.” Oh. That’s why. My smile strained, and I nodded firmly as memories flashed behind my eye sockets. Kayla had drunk so much after receiving her full scholarship that she got alcohol poisoning. Mrs. Porter nearly had an anxiety attack on the way to the hospital and could only nod in confirmation when I answered all of the doctor’s questions.

It’d been frightening, and I stuck to wine after that.

“Of course, I will, Mrs. Porter. I have you programmed into my phone.” Waving my cell phone slightly for good measure, I watched the tension slither from Mrs. Porter’s shoulders and released a breath through my nose. “I’m sorry I missed the cake and stuff- I just figured that since we were going out, you’d want to do all of that alone.”

“Oh- we saved you a piece, honey. You’re so thoughtful.” Patting my cheek with her warm palm, Mrs. Porter winked at me before glancing at the stairs. “Go on. You two have fun tonight, okay?”

Taking the stairs two at a time, I sauntered down the hall and through Kayla’s open bedroom door with a bit of a skip in my step. My own 21^st birthday had been a miserable affair; my parents looked for any reason to ground me. I only received one present, and it was from Kayla and her parents.

“I’m so ready…!” Announcing myself loudly, I clapped my hands together as Kayla observed herself in the mirror hanging against her closet door. Her lacy, little, black dress was surprisingly modest, and I eyeballed her four-inch heels wearily. She was pale in such a dark color, and our eyes met in the reflection before I nodded.

“I’m so ready, too! I like your dress, Lilly- it’s super cute. I was worried you’d try to wear church clothes or something.” Grinning as I looked down at myself, I didn’t bother to stop the pride that bubbled up in my chest. Trailing my fingers down the smooth, red silk that fell to my knees, I held back a shiver, and goosebumps rose up on my arms.

“I bought this yesterday and had to hide it from my parents. Are you ready to go?” Kayla only smirked and grabbed her clutch in response, and I led the way back downstairs. My flats were silent on the hardwood, but her heels clicked loudly to herald our journey. The sun shone a dark, dusky gold through the uncovered windows in the kitchen, and I took a deep breath of the warm air.

Tonight felt special, and I wasn’t going to question it.

“So, you, like, believe in Jesus and everything? I never really asked you about it.” It wasn’t until Kayla was backing out of the driveway that she spoke up, and I pursed my lips together tightly. “If you don’t want to answer, you don’t have to, Lilly…”

“No- no…” Taking a breath, I leaned my head back against the rest to watch the scenery go by. Darkness was slowly but surely taking hold of everything, and I twiddled my thumbs absently as I thought. “My parents… they believe in Heaven and Hell and all of that. They think going to church every week will absolve them of their terrible ideals and the sad way they live their lives… that confessing and hoping God forgives them will be enough to call themselves good people. But for me… I don’t believe in that. I don’t know if there’s a God but spending three hours a week talking myself up isn’t how I want to live. To be a good person, you have to do good things all the time.”

Speaking slowly, clearly, I furrowed my brows as every one of my parents’ self-righteous tirades came surging into my mind’s eye. My father was mean, looking down on everyone for no real reason I could find. My mother thought her opinion was the only opinion, and no one else had a right to think what they wanted.

It was sad, their brittle, unhappy lives ready to shatter if they stepped too hard on a hairline fracture.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if God exists, or Heaven, or Hell, but that’s just too far for me. I’m going to give my virginity away to go to college- to make something of myself and get to the future I want. If what I want is wrong, then why do I want it? Why have I wanted it since I was 12? For that matter- if it’s wrong, does that make it bad? A sin? I don’t have the answers to those questions.”

My little speech came to an end, and Kayla was quiet in the driver’s seat as we cruised through the suburbs. Staring at her reflection in the window, my eyes narrowed on the serious expression she wore. There was no makeup to muddy her face; she had a natural beauty that she said ‘didn’t deserve to be covered up’.

When we first met in 9^th grade, I found it so hard to believe that someone could be that beautiful inside and out. Kayla showed me the meaning of morality, even though it wasn’t the traditional, religious kind.

“That makes sense, you know? That there’s a difference between something being bad and being wrong, I mean. Just like you said, Lilly- you’re going to auction off your virginity so you can be a doctor… for kids. Your parents are too narrow-minded and petty to help you, so you have to find your own way. I admire that about you- that you can sacrifice something like that for what you want.” Heat slithered up my neck at the compliment, and I cleared my throat softly as the cityscape rose on either side of the car. “Was it a hard choice? You just… kind of… brought it up one day out of the blue, and I never really figured out why, but I didn’t want to ask you.”

“It wasn’t, really. I’ve never coveted that despite how hard my parents tried to drill into me that if I have sex before marriage, I’m going to Hell. It’s just really starting to sink in that this is happening. The auction went up today, and I’m just trying really hard not to think about it.” Butterflies fluttered in my belly, and I flexed my fingers in my lap before turning to my friend with a slight smile. “It’ll be a thing that happens, I think. I don’t think it’ll impact my life that way.”

Both of Kayla’s brows shot up, but she only shrugged at the truth that bounced off the chic, leather interior. I couldn’t deny that if someone asked me to do the auction for free, I would’ve said ‘no’; money was a powerful motivator, especially when I had something like college to spend it on. Every girl I knew had said that losing their virginity hadn’t really changed anything afterwards.

“So-“ Changing the subject before I thought too much into it, my smile grew as Kayla tilted her head. “The Sound Bar- it’s supposed to be really laid back and stuff, right? Because the last time we went clubbing, you nearly punched a guy for touching your butt.”

The teasing in my voice was only drowned out by Kayla’s laughter, and I giggled when she hit the wheel with the butt of her palm. I could still clearly remember her bawling on my shoulder at the sheer audacity of that stranger. How dare he try to come onto her when she was drunk!

“I know! So, yeah, really laid back and stuff. They have live bands playing there and karaoke and all that. I thought it’d be fun since there’s more stuff to do than just drink. After what happened at the New Year’s party, I’m sticking to moderation. I even got this…” Flipping open the center console, Kayla produced what looked like a mini breathalyzer with a jack on the end, and pride bubbled up in my chest. “-so I know how drunk I am. It’s connected to the car, so it won’t start if I’m over a certain percentage.”

“See, that’s exactly what I mean. You’re doing things to better yourself- learning from your mistakes. That’s what matters, in my opinion.” Sharing a smile as she stuffed the device back into the center console, Kayla turned her full attention back to the road. We’d driven deep into downtown, and I barely recognized anything down here. Huge, new buildings walled either side of the road, and the pristine, uncracked sidewalk trembled under the dozens of people leaving their jobs.

“Okay- enough of that heavy stuff. Let’s get pumped up to party. I’m going to sing so much karaoke!”