Elliott
“Good thing I have a driver,” my mother says as I hold the chair out for her at the nicest restaurant I could find in the Village. “I can’t believe you wouldn’t come to me for lunch.”
“I told you why I needed to meet here.” Once I’m seated across from her, she smiles.
“Oh, right, because there’s another woman you’d rather accompany to the Upper East Side.”
“It’s only because two trips in one day would be a nightmare. I’d be coming home only to turn right back around and leave again.”
The waiter approaches, and my mother orders wine. I ask for bourbon since I need it for this conversation.
“So, tell me all about this woman you’re seeing.”
“You already know her. The room I had you decorate was for Sailor … Sailor Lockwood.” My mom glances around the restaurant. “No one here knows us,” I add. “Please don’t make this a huge deal.”
“What if she causes trouble? How did the two of you even cross paths?”
“We’re adults. No one is going to dredge up information about the accident, and it wouldn’t matter if they did; Sailor would never change her story.”
“I don’t understand why you’re speaking to her. Is she living with you?”
The waiter returns with our drinks, and my mother is frazzled as she tells him her lunch order. “Oh, and I’ll need more wine.”
Picking up her glass, she takes another drink while tugging on the neck of her blouse and messing with her blond hair. After our waiter leaves, I take a much-needed drink, as well.
“It happened by chance, but I’m glad Sailor and I found each other. I never wanted to stop talking to her, but I didn’t have a say in the matter. Now, I do. We’re older and can make our own decisions.”
“Are you dating her?”
“Sort of. It’s complicated, but I wanted you to know she’s in my life again.”
“I don’t approve. I believe you should leave the past alone.”
Swallowing the bourbon in my tumbler, I let the burning sensation soak in as I think of how to tell her what I’m feeling without spilling the anger behind it.
“I spent years trying to understand why you stayed married to my father and allowed him to beat on us day after day, year after year.
“I know you worried he would take me away from you because of the power he held. You wondered how we’d survive financially if you lost his side of the family’s wealth, but it doesn’t make what you did any more right.
“I found it in my heart to forgive you, so what I need now is for you to forgive me for one mistake I made a decade ago. Dad’s dead, and a lot of time has passed. No one is going to investigate the accident.”
Reaching across the table, she clutches my hand.
“I know that.”
“Then why are you against me seeing her?”
“From how comfortable you seem talking about Sailor, and the fact you’re not furious with me, I’m guessing she hasn’t told you her secret.”
“What secret is that?”
My mother rubs her lips together, and I notice the burgundy color she’s wearing on them.
“I haven’t told you because I wanted to protect you. You endured enough pain over the years, but if you’re going to have a relationship with Ms. Lockwood, you should know all the facts before making the decision.
“You need to understand why her parents may never approve of you two being together. Honestly, I’m shocked Sailor wants anything to do with you.”
“Thanks, Mother. Care to elaborate now that you’ve gotten the insult out of the way?”
“I can’t. It’s not my place to tell, but I’m sure you’ll wish to discuss it with me once you know. In the meantime, let’s talk about something else while we enjoy lunch.
“Then, you can ask Ms. Lockwood yourself. If you choose to be with her once you hear the truth, I’ll give you my blessing. It’s the least I can do after your childhood.”
She squeezes my hand again. “Elliott, I didn’t stay with your father for the money. With his career and connections, I do believe he would’ve won custody and harmed you even more. I couldn’t risk it. I hope you mean it when you say you’ve forgiven me since there is no one in this world I love more than you.”
“I do, Mom, and I need forgiveness from both you and Sailor for what happened with the accident. I abandoned her all these years when it was never what I wanted.”
***
Sailor walks in the front door and smiles at me. As she comes closer to where I’m sitting on the couch, I notice her tired eyes and the smeared makeup beneath them.
Her ponytail is falling, too, stray hairs sheltering her face, yet she’s still as pretty as ever.
“Hi,” she says. “I’m exhausted. I know it was my idea to go out tonight, but would you mind if we stayed in? I can’t deal with trying to shop after so little sleep.”
“That’s cool. We need to talk, anyway.”
“Oh, OK. Let me go upstairs and change.”
“Since the weather’s great, we can sit out on the terrace and get takeout later.”
Leaning over, she kisses my cheek.
“Sounds perfect.” While Sailor goes upstairs, I fix her a glass of wine and open the sliding glass door. I sit at the table and stare out over the park.
I hate talking about feelings and personal shit. I’ve avoided it as much as possible until I was shocked to find Sailor back in my life … and in my home.
I’ll do anything to be with her, even if it makes me uncomfortable. I’ll open up since I owe Sailor everything. She deserves the world, and if that means I have to talk about difficult shit, and rehash the past, I’ll do it.
Sailor walks outside in a long-sleeve brown t-shirt that barely covers her earthy-green yoga pants. If her looks weren’t so breathtaking, she’d fade into the view of the park behind her.
Eyeing the wine goblet, she smiles. “You knew exactly what I needed today. What did you want to talk about?” After taking a few sips, she gives me her attention while still holding a smile.
“Something heavy again. Sorry.”
She frowns. “All right.”
“I need you to be honest with me. Do you have a secret you haven’t told me?”
“I said last night that there was something I wasn’t ready to talk about.”
Nervously, I pat down my blond hair. “I need to tell you something, too, and although it’ll be uncomfortable for both of us, I think we need to share our shit right now. I want everything out in the open so we can mean it when we say we’re moving forward.”
She sighs dramatically. “You were patient when we were young. When did that change?”
“I told you–with Jake in the picture, I don’t have time to be patient. I want the past to stay in the past so you and I can have a future.”
“I’m scared to tell you. It could change things between us, and I could lose you all over again.”
“That’s not possible. Look, I’ll go first.” Nodding, she picks her glass up again and takes a long drink. “You have to know why I never contacted you so you’ll believe me when I say that it’s not what I wanted.”
“If it would help me understand, I’m all ears.”
“Our parents knew I was driving the night of the accident.”
She sits back in her chair, already wanting to put some distance between us.
“No, my parents suspected it briefly, but I assured them it was my fault. Like everyone else, they’ve always believed that.”
“The evening of the funeral, they came over and confronted my parents and me, saying they knew I was driving. They had talked to the cops and everything, and I wouldn’t be surprised if my father paid the authorities off the next day to keep their mouths shut.
“Your mom and dad agreed with mine that we shouldn’t change our story. My father convinced them it would cause a scandal for all of us.”
“My parents wouldn’t have done that. They would’ve at least told me they knew and that we shouldn’t tell anyone.”
“Maybe they thought you were more likely to keep it a secret if you were even keeping it from them. I don’t know their reasoning.”
“How could my parents let me believe all these years that they didn’t know?”
“I’m sorry. I never told you because I didn’t want you to think less of them.”
“I already thought less of my parents. This only reaffirms that I was right in my beliefs about them. What does this have to do with you not talking to me?”
“I overheard their one condition for keeping their mouths shut; I was never allowed to speak to you again. When I got home after staying the night with you, my father made sure I understood it.
“He convinced me it was the best way for you to move on. Our parents said I’d be a constant reminder of Rebecca and the blame you would always carry, and I believed them.”
“That’s why you came to see me the night of the funeral.”
“I’d been drinking, wallowing in guilt and shame. The alcohol gave me the courage to tell you how I felt about you.”
Sitting up straight, she scowls at me.
“That means when you took my virginity, you already planned to never see me again.”
“I didn’t intend to touch you when I showed up, but once you were next to me, I couldn’t resist, especially after you kissed me, letting me know you’d let me touch you.”
“Yes, but I had a right to know you weren’t coming back before I slept with you.”
“You’re right, but would it have changed anything that night?”
She glances away. “No, we still would’ve had sex, but only because I would’ve convinced you that never speaking to me again was going to be more detrimental than abandoning me.”
“I’m sorry. I feared my father, but I was more afraid of the pain I’d see when you looked into my eyes every day.”
“You don’t understand the consequences of your actions, the magnitude they had on me.”
Needing to be closer to her, I lean over the glass table.
“You’re wrong. I’ve lived with the guilt and shame, and I’ve thought about you and the sacrifices you made for me every day since the accident. Every. Fucking. Day. You have to believe me. I always wanted you.”
“If you cared so much, why didn’t you contact me once I was older?”
“I considered it, but years had passed, so I figured you already had a man in your life or hated me. Either outcome would’ve sucked, so it was easier not to face it. I was a coward, and I’ll apologize as many times as it takes.”
Swirling her finger around the top of her wine glass, she stares at it.
“I’ve already forgiven you. It sucks to hear about my parents, but they let me down years ago, so this news isn’t shocking. It helps to know you didn’t want to leave me. If our parents hadn’t said anything, would you have seen me after that night?”
I grasp her hand and place it between mine.
“Of course, I would’ve stayed in touch with you. At the least, we would’ve remained friends, but I believe we could’ve been so much more, especially as we got older.”
I’m surprised when she smiles. “Knowing you always wished you could see me leaves me happy. I missed you so much, and the fact you were missing me, too, makes me feel like we weren’t so far apart.”
“That’s a relief to hear. Now, tell me what it is you’re holding in. One more thing, Sailor Girl, and we can put all this behind us and focus on the future.”
Taking her hand away from me, Sailor pulls her knees up in her chair and wraps her arms around them.
“You’re already trembling.”
“That’s because this is the hardest thing in the world for me to discuss. You know how our parents wouldn’t let you talk to me? They also wouldn’t let me tell you my secret.”
She snaps her eyes shut the way she so often does when we revisit the past. My chest constricts, knowing it’s still so painful for her, and I’m the one most responsible for it.
“I imagined saying these words to you a million times, along with imagining your reaction, but after a few years of never hearing from you, I buried it the best I could. That was … until I saw you here.”
Sailor bursts into tears, and I don’t understand what could be worse than the issues we’ve already dealt with. Getting up from my chair, I walk around to squat next to her. I glide my hand along the side of her hair and use my thumb to brush away her tears.
“I can’t watch you carry this another day. Just say it.”
“Elliott.” Sucking in fast breaths, she looks me in the eyes. “We had a baby.”