Sailor
Hearing the knock on my hotel door, I glance at my phone next to me. Seven… Jake’s early. I move my planner and papers off my lap and hop up to answer the door.
“Elliott.”
“Hi,” he says. Shit, he can’t stay long. He smiles broadly, and it’s such a contrast from when we first started speaking again. Ugh, I feel guilty already. “Can I come in?”
“Sure.” I step back, and he strolls inside my hotel suite, carrying a wrapped present. “Um, Jake’s supposed to be over in an hour.”
He turns, and there’s no more smile greeting me.
“I guess I should’ve called first, but I got excited about your gift. When I got home this morning, it’d been delivered, so I wanted to give it to you.”
“That’s sweet.” As I take it from him, I lean up and kiss him. “I managed to miss you in only hours, so I’m glad you’re back.”
He smiles and tries to pull me closer by the waist, but the large box is in the way.
“I missed you, too … obviously. Open it.” He follows me to the sofa where I sit and untie the white bow on the rectangular package. I pull off the lid and fold back the tissue paper.
“Elliott, this is amazing.” I begin pulling out all the Harvard gear. There’s a sweatshirt, two t-shirts, a hoodie and a pair of sweats, along with some small items tucked to the side like ink pens and a keychain.
Setting the box on the glass coffee table in front of us, I fling my arms around his neck.
“Thank you. I hated losing my Harvard stuff in the fire.”
“I know it’s not the same, but I was hoping it might make you feel a little better.”
“I love everything. Thank you again.”
He pulls me onto his lap and crashes his lips to mine. I slide my hand in his hair and deepen our kiss, spilling all my thank yous in the form of needy whimpers.
I’m surprised when he jerks his mouth away and takes hold of my head. After staring at me a few seconds, his eyelids snap shut, and he heaves for breath.
“Elliott, what’s wrong?”
Clearing his throat, like he’s forcing his emotions to stay at bay, he opens his eyes.
“I can’t lose you again. After I leave, Jake’s going to come through that door and want to do the same things as I’ve done with you the last couple of days.
“He’ll hold you here and have sex with you in your bed. He’s going to tell you he loves you more, but I’ve loved and missed you for a decade. He hasn’t even had months to feel that way.”
“Elliott.” Unsure of how to reply to his profound and loving words, I look down, but he lifts my chin.
“You can’t tell me you have the same connection with him.”
“It’s a different connection. So different that I don’t feel they can be compared.”
“What are you getting from him that you’re not getting from me?”
“It’s not like that. You’re both unique. He feels safer, like a shelter, whereas you’re alarming, but in a good, captivating way.
“Jake’s warm, and you’re smoldering. He’s sexy, and you’re heady. He’s funny, and you’re remarkably intelligent.” I press my hand against his heart.
“You’re undeniable, Elliott, but if I have to say one thing that he’s willing to give me that you’re not is a family. I’m not only looking for a place to live. I long to make a home and have children. All the money and luxury in the world can’t give me that.”
“I’ll have kids. If that’s what’s holding you back from choosing me, I’ll do it.”
“But is that what you want?”
“With you, yes. I never thought I wanted kids, but once I knew about Samuel, all that changed. I missed him when I never even knew him.”
I swallow the pain from hearing our son’s name and what he means to Elliott. There’s a knock on the door, and I murmur, “Shit.”
“Don’t answer it.”
“I have to.”
He blows out an arduous breath and leans his head back as I climb off him. Reluctantly, I pad to the door and crack it open. Jake’s forehead is creased, his lips pursed.
“Elliott’s here,” I say. “He didn’t know you were coming over.”
“Where is he?” Jake palms the door above my head, pushing it open farther, so I step back, and he barrels inside, straight toward Elliott on the sofa. Elliott stands about the time Jake reaches him.
“Tell me you weren’t driving the night Rebecca died.”
Elliott’s eyes flit to mine for only a second before he swallows and looks Jake in the eye.
“I can’t do that.”
“Elliott!” I shout.
Jake whips his head my way. “Are you seriously protecting him?”
“You don’t understand.”
Jake shoves him in the chest, but it barely moves Elliott’s body.
“How could you ask her to do something like that? How could you expect her to carry that blame her whole fucking life?”
“He didn’t ask me to do it. I chose to, and he only found out afterward. Our parents knew the truth, as well, and they were more than fine with letting me take the blame.”
Jake shoves a finger out at Elliott. “You don’t deserve one second with her, not after something like this.”
“I know, but I’ll spend my whole life making it up to her if she gives me the chance.”
“Why did you say you were driving that night?” Jake looks at me again, and the desperation, anger and confusion is hard to face.
“I thought Elliott’s dad would kill him.” Wringing my fingers, I stare at the floor.
“Sailor stop,” Elliott commands.
“No, he needs to understand. Jake, I wasn’t worried Mr. Roberts would yell at him. That’s not what I mean. I feared he would really kill him.
“He used to beat him all the time, and he even beat him up after the accident. Everyone thought Elliott’s injuries at the funeral were from the wreck, but they were from his father.
“And as hard as it is for you to hear, I loved Elliott. I didn’t want his life ruined over one stupid mistake. He only left the party angry because of what you did with Rebecca.”
Jake grips the back of his neck. “So, are you saying this is my fault?”
“No. What I’m saying is we all did things wrong that night. You and Rebecca cheated, Elliott drove drunk, and I told a huge lie.
“We’re not immune to stupidity, and I’m reminding you of this because Elliott shouldn’t be punished another day for what he did, and neither of you deserve what is happening right now.”
Unable to hold in my emotions, I break down and cry. Each shuddering sound is ripping my chest open, and I don’t want the guys to feel my heartache, too.
I cough to get my shit together, and brushing away the tears from my eyes, I search for the strength to say the words I need to utter next.
“I love you both, and every different way is magnificent. I was so miserable, and both of you brought happiness and new beginnings to my life. You gave me closure where I needed it and healed so much of my pain.
“For that reason, I don’t believe I could ever choose between the two of you, and I refuse to prolong this to see. I know what Carrie means to me, and your friendship should come before a girl. I won’t be the reason it crumbles.”
“Sailor, you’re not just some chick, and I’m sorry I got so angry,” Jake says.
I hold my hand up. “I’m not mad at you. I understand why you were upset about the accident, but it doesn’t change anything.”
I swallow again, fighting not to fall apart. “Maybe years from now, we can all be friends and laugh at this whole ordeal.”
“You know that’s total bullshit,” Elliott says.
“Please leave.”
He strides toward me, and I take several steps back.
“After all the years we lost and the chance we finally have, I won’t let you give up this easily.”
“It’s not me giving up. It’s me stepping aside so your friendship can remain intact. Now, for the last time, get out of my hotel room since this is quickly becoming another one of the worst days of my life.”