Sailor

 

The look of shock on Elliott’s face is as great as when he first discovered me in his condo.

“What? No.”

“It’s true. I got pregnant when we had sex, but our baby died. He died.”

Elliott falls back on his ass, and bringing his knees up, he clutches the sides of his head.

“A boy… Did you have an abortion?”

I shake my head. “No, I hid the pregnancy as long as I could so my parents couldn’t pressure me into having one. I wanted our baby as much as I wanted you.”

“Explain, Sailor. Tell me what the fuck happened.”

I sob again, harder this time as all the memories of delivering and holding our deceased child crash in my mind like a stormy ocean’s tide.

The immense loneliness and grief pummel me all over again, pulling me under the water. Picking me up, Elliott carries me inside to the couch. He holds me in his arms, and I weep against his chest.

“I hid the pregnancy for as long as I could, but my mom figured it out when I was five months along. They made me finish the school year at home, and once I confessed it was yours, they insisted I give it up for adoption. They didn’t want anyone to know we’d messed around that soon after Rebecca’s death.”

I bury my face further. “They were so ashamed of me, Elliott. They’ve never looked at me the same. Never. I was a kid myself, but they didn’t see it that way. I was only a disgrace and a failure in their eyes.”

Kissing the top of my head, he rocks me.

“You could never be either of those things.”

“We were at an impasse. I refused adoption, and they said they’d disown me if I didn’t do it. Your parents tried to convince me to give it up, too, and they insisted you couldn’t find out. I was fifteen, making a life-altering decision alone.

“I decided I’d keep resisting until they had no choice but to let me keep him. I figured my parents would eventually cave and help me once they saw him.

“I wanted you to know, but the day after we slept together, your dad told me you didn’t even want me to have your phone number. I had no reason to think you’d want our baby. They kept telling me it would ruin your life.”

“Fuck, I can’t believe this is happening.” He cradles me tighter in his arms, and I feel his body shake as he begins to cry, too.

“At thirty-two weeks, I didn’t feel the baby kick. It was already so hard to talk about the pregnancy with my parents, so I waited a whole day to tell them. It was too late, Elliott. A knot had formed in the umbilical cord, and it was too late.”

“Sailor, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“You had Elliott’s baby?” Jake asks. Not having heard him come in, I sit up and wipe my face. He’s staring at us, his eyes watery, too, like they’re barely holding in his confusion and hurt.

“Jake, I didn’t mean for you to find out this way.”

“When?” he asks angrily. I see that his hands are balled into fists.

“Back off, Jake,” Elliott says as he palms his eyes to wipe away his tears. I climb out of his lap and retreat to the empty side of the couch.

Silence. Like the delivery room right after I gave birth to a baby who wouldn’t cry, this room is silent, too.

“When did it happen?” Jake asks again.

“It’s none of your fucking business.” Elliott jumps to his feet.

“None of my business? I think I have a right to know the details, seeing how she and I are dating. How could you hurt her like this? Why weren’t you there for her when it happened?”

Elliott charges Jake and shoves him, so I hop up and run to get between them.

“Stop, this is hard enough. After Rebecca died, Elliott and I slept together. When and why that happened is private between Elliott and me.

“Our parents forbade Elliott to ever contact me again, so he never knew about the baby, and we never saw or spoke to one another again until the day he walked into this condo and found me. I promise.”

Turning his back on us, Jake paces and grips the back of his neck. He spins around and glares at Elliott as he points his finger.

“Sailor was a teenager. You knocked her up right after your girlfriend died, and your rich, powerful daddy made it all go away. Am I right?”

“Jake!” I say.

“No. Let’s get this over with,” Elliott says. “The detective’s never going to let it go if we don’t. It’s his fucking job to have all the answers, and he thinks he’s entitled to them, too.”

I turn to Elliott and plant my hands on his chest.

“Don’t do this. He heard all he needs to know, and the last thing I can handle is the two of you fighting.” Elliott looks down at me, and his tears come again. I stare back, my gaze pleading for him not to confess about the wreck.

Swallowing, he looks over my head at Jake.

“Please give us two minutes alone. Then, you can ask her all the questions you want in private.”

Shaking his head, Jake storms toward his room. Elliott grasps my shoulders as we hear the door slam. “You can’t forgive me for this one.”

“I already forgave you. Are you trying to say you can’t forgive yourself?”

“The guilt was hard enough to bear when I thought I only left you alone, but I abandoned you and our baby. Our son. There aren’t enough sorrys for me to say, and I sure as hell don’t deserve you.”

“Don’t make a rash decision like we did when we were younger.”

He pulls me to him and kisses the top of my head, his warmth and affection comforting me. I don’t want him to let me go, but my gut says he’s going to, and it’s the reason I didn’t want to tell him my secret.

Loosening his hold, he gazes down at me. His eyes are red and swollen, lips quivering, too.

“The last thing I want in this world is for you to feel like I ran out on you again, but you deserve a guy who hasn’t broken your heart into a thousand pieces. No matter how much I want to be that man, it’ll never be me. It’s too late.”

“No, Elliott.”

“I have to get out of here and think. I’m sure Jake will take care of you in the meantime.”