I woke up in a haze. Yesterday was supposed to be the worst day of my life as far as memories go and the man lying next to me turned it into something wonderful and beautiful. There are no words to express what I’m feeling right now. I know what I’d typically be feeling when someone used to touch me and that was fear, but he washed them away last night. I couldn’t believe that we were finally going to be more than friends. That revelation alone had my heart going into overdrive, but it didn’t scare me. It made me feel alive and free. He’d finally helped me free some of my demons and I loved it. I know that I was still going to have my moments, but right now I didn’t want to think about it. I wanted to continue to relish in what had occurred. This was one of those moments where time stood still and the perfect memory existed.

My head was still resting on his shoulder and my arm was draped across his stomach. I didn’t want to move and break the moment. I lifted my head up and rested my hand underneath my chin and just watched him sleep. He looked so peaceful and even more handsome when he slept.

Moving one of my hands from underneath my chin, I started drawing patterns on his chest and stomach soothingly. He moved slightly underneath my touch, but I didn’t stop. It was funny to watch his breathing accelerate from my touch and his skin ripple underneath my finger.

I knew that if I didn’t stop that he would wake up, but I didn’t care. I wanted him to wake up so we could face the day together. Together. That one word made me smile. I had finally caved and let him in, knowing that we were going to face things together instead of apart made me smile. I knew that he would want answers to his questions about my past and surprisingly that didn’t scare me any longer. I wanted him to know the real me. The person I was before that dreaded night. I was only a shell of that person now and it felt good to know that he would see a side of me that he hadn’t before. I was so carefree before, and now I was guarded, but for good reason.

I went to move off of the bed to go grab the box containing the only items that I had of my past, but an arm went around my waist stopping me. I laughed as that arm pulled me back down on the bed. Apparently, he didn’t want me going anywhere.

He moved on top of me and kissed my cheek.

“Just where do you think you’re going, sweetheart? I was enjoying what your fingers were doing to me.”

I could now feel just how much of an effect that I had on him. Surprisingly, that didn’t scare me like it would have before. I did something bold because he made me feel like I could accomplish anything and moved my hips against his growing erection.

Since we were still both naked, that the movement brought his erection into contact with where I wanted him. The move backfired, causing me to gasp.

“I’m trying very hard to be a gentleman because I know that you’re going to be sore, but you’re making it very hard for me.”

“I can tell,” I laughed. I moved against him again telling him that I didn’t care about my soreness. Feeling what I felt last night was the only thing that I could focus on. Who knew that after all this time what I needed was for someone as sweet and caring as this man to show me that I could overcome what had happened to me?

He moaned against my neck where his lips were pressed. I wasn’t expecting his next move, but that made it even sweeter. He opened my thighs up even more than they were and entered me slowly. It hurt a little, but I could take the pain if I felt even a fraction of what I felt last night.

He made love to me so slow and passionately that I couldn’t contain my emotions. Once we were finished, we lay there in each other’s arms and I didn’t think life could get any better than this.

He was stroking my back and I didn’t want to move, but my body was telling me I had no other choice. I kissed his cheek and went to the bathroom to relieve myself and brush my teeth. He was waiting outside the door when I was finished. I moved out of the doorway so he could go inside. Once he shut the door, I went back into my bedroom to get dressed and get the box out of the closet. I put on a tank top and some lacy underwear and went into the closet to get the box off of the shelf. The box contained mementos from my previous life. I haven’t looked at what’s inside in a very long time because it makes me miss the people I left behind. Even though the memories are still in my mind, these physical reminders make it that much harder to stay away.

I sat down on the bed and put it down beside me. I pulled the top off just as he walked back into the bedroom. He sat beside me and looked at me with a questioning look on his face.

The best way for me to do this was to pull out some pictures and begin to explain part of my life that he knew nothing about. Pulling out a stack of pictures, I took a look at the one on top. This was going to be hard, but I needed to do this. Maybe this was just one more way that I would begin to heal.

Leaning towards him, I began to explain the photographs. The first one was of me with the rest of my family. I pointed to the people in the picture and named off my parents, Leslie and Michael, and my brothers, Micah and Mark. He laughed because all of our names began with the letter M. It was quite comical and my brothers and I always made jokes about it when we were growing up. I went through the rest of them explaining various times in my life when they were taken. When I got to the ones with Damon and me, I knew explaining this part of my life would be the hardest. It was hard to think about the only other man that I’ve loved in my life and what the worst day of my life did to us. I told him that I would explain who he was once I was finished going through the rest. As I got to the end of the stack, I started to get nervous. My feelings for Damon were long gone, but I knew that he could misconstrue the fact that I kept these pictures as more than it was.

Looking over at him, I gathered the courage to tell him about a time in my life where happiness was so close, but so far out of reach.

“The man in the pictures is my ex, Damon. We met in the police academy when I was eighteen years old. We both went in right after high school. Once we passed everything, we both went into the police force together. I enrolled in college the following year and he did the same. For the first three years, we were nothing but close friends. About six months before we were due to graduate, we decided to take our friendship to the next level. Once we graduated, he applied for a position on the SWAT team and I applied for a position in the gang unit. We were both accepted and started our new careers. Six months after everything got settled in our new positions, we moved in together. He proposed six months later. We were supposed to get married in May of 2010, but that obviously never happened. After everything that happened, I just couldn’t do it. We’d only ever fooled around. I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex and he was a perfect gentleman about it. He never pushed me too far, which made me love him even more. But after the attack, I just couldn’t see myself wanting anyone to touch me ever again. I couldn’t even sleep in the same bed as a man I knew would never hurt me. It broke my heart to see the pain in his eyes, but the anguish that I held inside myself was greater than any he could ever feel. The day for our wedding came and went and all we did was fight. We both said things that we could never take back and I left our home.”

He just listened to me go on and on about my past life. I knew the real questions he wanted to be answered were about why I left, but I was leading up to that. I wanted him to see the good side of me before he saw the bad. I wanted him to know that my life was great before it all came crashing down.

I had stopped talking for a moment to regain my composure. It was hard enough to talk about my family, but talking about Damon made it worse. I hated seeing him slowly slip away from me, but I just couldn’t let him in. I vowed to myself that I couldn’t do that to Mattie. Not this time. I would let him completely in from this moment forward if that meant he wouldn’t hurt me the way Damon did. Damon broke my heart into a million pieces with the things that he said to me. Things I could never tell Mattie because it was just too hard to remember, let alone speak out loud.

Once I had regained my composure enough, I asked him what he wanted to know.

“What made the men that attacked you target you?” He was going straight for the kill I see.

“My team and I were assigned to take down members of the 18^th Street Gang. It’s really harder than it sounds to do because these men were extremely smart. I started with men that were lower on the totem pole and the members felt like we were getting too close for comfort. There was chatter going around about an attack, but I refused the protection detail. I guess that was my first mistake.”

“Why did you refuse the protection detail if you knew that they were targeting you?”

“They weren’t just targeting me. It was my whole team. No one knew who they were going to go after. I just figured it wouldn’t be me.”

“What happened the night of the attack?” He seemed genuinely concerned. He didn’t act like this was bothering him, but it was bothering me. I hoped that he didn’t want me to go into detail about everything because that was something that I just couldn’t do.

“I don’t remember much about it. I remember that I was texting Damon about our plans for the night and I dropped my keys in the parking garage. After that, everything is a blur. I remember bits and pieces of what happened, but not much. My therapist says that my brain blocked what happened as a way to protect myself. I still don’t remember everything. Parts of what happened usually come back to me in my sleep.”

“How did you manage to get away from them?” He asked.

“One of the men forgot to latch the handcuff properly on one of my hands. I was looking around the room for some way to escape, when I noticed my phone on the table beside the bed. I reached for it and turned it on and my team members must have been tracking it. The next thing I knew, the place was surrounded and about a dozen SWAT officers were bombarding the warehouse where they were keeping me. The rest is a blur.”

“I remember hearing something about this case on the news. They said that the brother of the man that ordered the attack was killed in prison before the trial could start,” he said.

“Yes he was. A month before the trial was to begin, a rival gang member took him out. After that had occurred, there was more chatter that the brother wanted revenge. I decided that it was best for everyone involved that I leave town.”

“How did you manage to leave without anyone realizing that you were gone? How did you get a new identity that fast?”

“I had a friend that worked for the FBI. I contacted him and told him what I needed to do. He got me the documentation and I went from there. One day I woke up and booked an airline ticket from a different state. He picked me up from my apartment and drove me to the airport. I said goodbye to him there and left everything and everyone behind.”

“So your parents have no clue if you’re alive or not?”

“I know that sounds harsh, but I just couldn’t risk them getting hurt if they knew any information about me. I googled my name once and found that they had filled out a missing person report and everything. My team searched for me. It makes me feel bad that they’re assuming the worst, but these men are vicious when they want revenge. I did what I had to do to protect everyone.”

I looked away from him at this point. This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell him the whole story. I already felt like a bad person for letting my family assume that I was dead and now he was making me feel worse. Most days I regret my decision, but I didn’t want to stay there and possibly cause my family more pain and heartache if I actually did die. I also couldn’t risk anyone being hurt or killed because they were associated with me.

I grabbed all of the pictures off of the bed and put them back into the box. I should get rid of everything, but I just can’t let go of what little I have left of everyone that I care about. I needed a reminder of why I was doing this.

Going back to the bed, I lay beside him. He pulled me into his arms and I just relished in the moment. Doing this again was different this time. With Damon, I was a different person than I was now. Now I was guarded. It took a lot for me to let people in, but Mattie didn’t let up. He was persistent, but he was always a gentleman about it. He never took anything too far. I could easily see myself falling for this man even more than I already was.

I was smiling against his chest when he finally spoke again.

“I have something else I want to talk to you about,” he said nervously.

I looked up at him and told him to ask away. He already knew the worst part of me and didn’t run. I could probably answer just about anything that he threw my way at this point.

“Last night you said that you wanted to see where this connection we have leads. What all does that entail?”

I was confused. I thought that part should have been assumed. Maybe I needed to spell it out for him. Sometimes men needed to hear the words. I just wanted to have a little fun with him first before I gave him the answer that I knew that he was looking for.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, we’ve obviously already moved past friendship.” He stopped and rubbed one of his hands down his face. This was going to be more fun than I thought. He was flustered. I had to contain my laughter, so I bit down on my lip.

“Yeah, we have,” I replied, trying to get him to say what else he wanted to.

“What does that mean for us moving forward?”

“I don’t understand what you want to know.” Men really were horrible at saying what they wanted.

“You’re going to make me say it out loud aren’t you?”

“Whatever do you mean?” I asked innocently.

“I think you know what I mean. I think that you’re just trying to torture me into asking you anyway.”

“Maybe I am. So what are you trying to ask?”

“You’re the devil. You know that? I’m trying to ask what we are now, smart ass?”

“What we are? Are you trying to ask me to put a label on us?” I couldn’t contain it anymore. I just had to laugh. This reminded me of when kids asked each other out in middle school.

“You find this funny don’t you, sweetheart?”

“Yes I do.” I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped after that.

“Yes I want to know what we are now after everything that happened last night and this morning. I don’t think I can continue with the way things were. I can’t just be your friend, sweetheart. I want to be more.”

I don’t think I should torture him anymore. It was fun, but he had a pained expression on his face.

“Are you asking me if I want us to be together?” I laughed.

“Yes, sweetheart, I am. Being just friends with you has been more torturous than this conversation. Since you’re going to make me ask you instead of reading between the lines, Emily will you be my other half?” Could this man be sweeter than he already is? I couldn’t help but blush after he asked me this. I almost couldn’t look at him because I didn’t want him to see the way I was responding to that question.

The longer I waited to answer him, the antsier he seemed to get. I guess I will finally put him out of his misery.

“Well, since you asked so nicely, yes I will be your other half.” I leaned into him and kissed him passionately sealing our new found relationship.

For the rest of the day, we didn’t move out of each other’s arms except when we went to the bathroom or to get something to eat. I was perfectly content because I finally admitted to myself what I knew all along and it felt so right.