I knew something was wrong with me, but I couldn’t focus on that right now. I needed to get my thoughts off of that handsome detective and have a little fun. I’ve slowly been coming out of my shell and it feels amazing. I had texted Sophia earlier in the day asking what she wanted to get into tonight. I wasn’t going to drink or anything, but I knew one thing. I needed to get out of this house because if I sat here by myself any longer I was going to drown in my thoughts of him and what went wrong. I knew I pushed him too hard. I knew I should have let him tell me in his own time. I just thought that he needed a little push to get there. Well, it turned out that pushing him was the wrong answer. Now he was gone and we were back to avoiding each other. We were back to being civil when we had to be at work and nothing else. No texts. No calls. No emails. No other form of communication. Honestly, I missed him more than anything. I’d give anything to just have my friend back. It just didn’t look like that was going to happen. Now I was just going to keep my head held high and go on the best way I knew how. I just didn’t know how much longer I could take this silence from him. I knew one thing for sure though. I wasn’t going to contact him first. He made himself very clear. He would have to come to me.

Sophia said she was dying to hear me sing again so we were heading to a karaoke bar. For some reason, it’s what I needed. I used music as an outlet and I needed to let loose and lose myself in the music and singing a song.

I got ready for the evening making sure that I looked good, but not good enough to attract too much attention and headed for the door. I could do this. I didn’t need him to make me stronger. I was getting there all on my own before he came into my life and I would continue getting there without him. I just didn’t know if I wanted to do it without him.

Getting there took no time at all considering the traffic was pretty light. I sat there in the car for a few minutes to collect my thoughts. I had managed to half way convince myself that I wasn’t going to let this man distract me any longer. I was going to go out and have fun. No more waiting around for him.

Walking in, I spotted Sophia at a table. I smiled to myself thinking about how much this woman has had to put up with me over the years and how she never backed down or gave up on me. I knew that I needed her in my life and was proud of myself for finally opening up around her. She doesn’t know anything about what happened, but that’s just who Sophia is. She doesn’t ask the wrong questions or press for answers. She just goes with the flow. I wish I could be more like her, but I’m the type of person who needs all of the answers.

I walked over to her and sat down. She had already ordered us a round of shots and drinks even though I told her I wasn’t going to be drinking tonight. That’s another reason why I loved her. She knows what I need before I know myself. One shot and one drink wouldn’t hurt, I thought to myself.

I took a shot and chased it with my drink allowing the burn to go down my throat. I needed this to loosen up and allow myself to have fun.

“So Sophia, I want to make a pact right here and now.”

“What’s that, Em?”

“Tonight is about us girls. No men allowed.”

“Anything for you, babe. Done.”

We drank our drink as we talked about random topics and how well the other singers were doing. She had already added my name to the list and I was going to be singing soon. I was lost in my own thoughts when she spoke, breaking me from my trance.

“Ummmm…. Emily don’t look now, but Matt and Jeremiah are by the bar getting drinks.”

Damnit. He just couldn’t stay away from the one place that he knew that I could show up at. What was his game? I glanced over my shoulder, stealing a peek at him. He looked almost happy; which pissed me off. Here I was sitting here dwelling on how bad I’d screwed things up and he’s out with his friends seeming to be having a blast. He hasn’t noticed us yet and I’m hoping it stayed that way. At least until my new found plan was put into motion.

“I’ll be right back,” I stated.

Walking over to the guy manning the karaoke machine, I asked him if he had a song that I recently heard. I was going to show him once and for all what my feelings were over what happened and this time he was going to listen. Lucky for me I was up next and the man had the song. The girl finished hers and stepped off the stage. I had asked him not to say my name and just motion for me when it was time. I didn’t want him to know I was up there. I wanted him shocked, but most off all, I hoped he stayed to listen.

When I got the signal from the man and walked onto the stage, I smiled up at Sophia. A smile that would let her know that I was up to no good. The song that I was about to sing was meaningful and the words were perfect for what had happened to us. I glanced around and found him and Jeremiah a few tables away from the stage. He was staring at Jeremiah listening to something he was saying. Then Jeremiah looked up at the stage with wide eyes. I gently shook my head letting him know that he needed to keep quiet. That’s when the music started.

The song that I chose was “Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus. I typically didn’t like her music, but this song was extremely fitting. I started singing the first verse while looking in his direction the entire time. I wanted to see the look on his face when he figured out it was me. By the time I got to the second line of the first verse, he looked up at the stage. He had figured out it was me singing. The painful expression in his eyes killed me but not enough to stop singing. I needed to get these words out before I didn’t have the courage to sing them anymore. He needed to know that I was sorry.

By the time that I got to the chorus, he was still staring at me and I was close to breaking down. I needed to keep my composure and get through the rest of the song. He needed to hear that I was sorry and that didn’t come till the end. He also needed to keep his eyes on me so he could see that I meant every word. He’s always been able to read me through my eyes, just like I’ve been able to do with him. I needed him more than ever now to see what my expression held. The apology, the sorrow, but most of all, the love that was held in the depth of my eyes.

By the time I got to the final parts of the song, I was close to tears. The apology part was coming and I needed to remain strong. I continued to sing to him. Holding his gaze the entire time, I poured every ounce of emotion that was held inside me into the last verse. By the time it ended, I couldn’t hold them back any longer. This time I let them fall. I let them fall for all of the lost moments that we’ve missed out on in the past two weeks and the ones we may never get to have. Walking off the stage, I went over to the table to grab my things. I couldn’t be in the same place with him any longer. I knew I should confront him now that I had his attention, but I couldn’t stand the thought of the rejection that may occur. This time I wasn’t running. This time I was holding my head high and walking away because I needed to show him what he was missing when he sees me walk away from him this time.

* * *

These past two weeks have been hell. I really want to see her, hold her, tell her I love her; however, that just can’t happen. She wants to know my demons. The funny thing is I want to tell her. I just don’t know how. I don’t know how she will react to what they are. To what haunts me every day. I just can’t bring myself to open up to her the way she wants. I know that makes me a hypocrite, but so be it. I didn’t push her to open up to me so she should have just let it go, but she couldn’t. She just had to know and the end result was me pushing her away. I am avoiding her at all costs. I couldn’t bear to see the hurt in her eyes and for her to see mine. I go to work and come home and that’s about it. I need to get out of this house and try to move on. I was glad that Jeremiah had texted me earlier today to ask if we could hit up a karaoke bar tonight. I knew that would bring back memories of her singing, but she most likely wouldn’t be there so I told him I was game.

After work, I headed home to shower and change. I hoped tonight would allow me to mellow out and have fun just for a few hours. Until I came back home and all of my thoughts were consumed of her yet again. After showering and changing, I texted Jeremiah that I would be heading that way. I got there and went inside to search for him. I found him waiting at the bar for his drink. I walked over allowing myself to take a few breaths to calm my thoughts.

“Hey, man. Thanks for inviting me out tonight.”

“No problem. You looked like you could use a night out on the town.”

“Yeah, I could,” I laughed.

The bartender came over with Jeremiah’s drink and asked what my poison was. I ordered a Jack and Coke and my thoughts immediately went to Emily. She was a dark liquor kind of girl. I quickly shook off those thoughts because tonight was a night where she wasn’t going to enter my head at all. The bartender brought me my drink and we made our way over to one of the empty tables.

We made small talk about what we were currently working on and how the singers were doing tonight. I needed this more than he knew. I knew he was wondering about Emily and me, but I was thankful he wasn’t bringing her up. I was talking about one of the cases I was trying to figure out and he looked away for a moment. I was wondering why he was making that face, but I brushed it off. He was always one to not be expressive in any way so I decided that maybe he was lost in thought.

That was until I heard that voice.

I knew that voice, but I didn’t want to look up. I couldn’t face her, but it was calling to me. I decided a quick peak wouldn’t hurt and looked to the stage. She was staring at me while she performed. A song I knew that was meant for me. I found myself unable to look away while she sang. The words of the song were gutting me, but I couldn’t allow myself to show those emotions. She may read too much into them and I couldn’t have her being hopeful in something that just couldn’t be. Not until I was ready to come clean about what my demons were. As the last part came, she gave it her all. She was apologizing to me, but the question was why? I understood that she wanted to help me. Maybe she was apologizing for pushing me too far. She picked the perfect song to express her emotions. It killed me to know that I was the one who wrecked her. She had just started to trust again and let people in and what did I do? I walked away from her all because I couldn’t bring myself to face her and tell her what really brought me to Maine. When it ended, I saw the tears streaming down her face. I wanted to go to her badly, but decided to remain in my seat. She exited the stage and I followed her path to the table she shared with Sophia. I thought she would just continue with her night, but it looked like she was going to leave. She picked up her purse and said something to Sophia, then she looked back towards me with the most painful expression on her face. There were tears flowing down her cheeks and it broke me a little more. She turned to walk away, squaring her shoulders and lifting her head high. This time I would watch her walk away, but I didn’t know if I could do that.

I went to get up to follow her out, but Jeremiah stopped me by grabbing my arm.

“I don’t think you should go after her. She’s hurting right now and you guys might say things you don’t mean,” he stated.

I knew he was right, but I didn’t want her hurting over me. Sitting back down, I took a big gulp of my drink. Consuming more alcohol was what I needed to get her pained expression out of my head. She told me once that she was broken and damaged. I just hoped that I didn’t break her down and damage her any more than what she already was.

I needed to clear my mind from what just occurred and reminded myself that it was better this way, even though it killed me inside. I loved that woman, but love wasn’t enough to get me to tell the truth. I could barely think about what happened, let alone tell her. For now, wallowing in my misery would have to be enough and the thoughts that consume me at night of our time together. All I have left are the memories of the past few months. I did the one thing that she told me would make her leave. Lying and breaking my promise to her was the only way I could get her to drop it.

I broke myself out of my thoughts and looked over at Jeremiah, who was just staring at me. I knew he was wondering what in the world just happened, but all I could do was shake my head. Talking about it wasn’t an option. All I wanted to do was drink away my problems, even though they would still be here tomorrow. I was going to allow myself tonight to not think about what I’d done and just have fun. Or so I thought.

“So man, what do you say to getting our drink on?” I asked Jeremiah.

“Hell yeah. We can just call a cab and come back for our trucks tomorrow.”

I stood from my seat to go to the bar and order some beers and this time shots were in order. “What’s your poison?”

“Whatever you’re drinking is fine by me. Just bring it on. It’s been too long since I’ve been good and drunk,” he laughed.

“Well then. It’s going to be the hard stuff. I’m going to teach you how we do it in Texas.”

Making my way over to the bar, I ordered us six shots of Jack Daniels and four beers. The crowd was getting thicker and I didn’t want to have to wait numerous times. This would hold us over for a little while. The bartender told me he would bring over everything in a few minutes because there was no way I could carry all that by myself and I made my way back to the table.

He came over five minutes later and the look on Jeremiah’s face was priceless.

“You weren’t kidding about showing me how you guys do it in Texas were you?”

“Hell no, I wasn’t. We’re throwing them back tonight. You better get ready and pray to God that you have some aspirin at home because I see a hangover in your future,” I joked.

We took one shot then another, slamming the glasses on the table and chased them back with a beer. Tonight was looking up, but what I didn’t realize was that it wasn’t going to be looking up for long.

* * *

I barely made it outside before reality set in. Even though I stared into his eyes the entire time, I didn’t see what I had hoped. He knew he couldn’t hide his emotions from me when I was able to look into them, but tonight he did a great job hiding them. One of two things was possible. One, he didn’t want me to see what he felt as I sang my heart out to him or two, he didn’t feel anything at all. I didn’t know him that long, but I thought for sure if I could just look him in the eyes I would see some type of emotion. Instead, I saw nothing. I didn’t know how to react to that. The old me was starting to come through more and more and my need for revenge was starting to get the best of me. My old self was spiteful and when someone hurt me all I wanted to do was make sure they hurt back. I tried to push those thoughts aside. Maci would make sure he hurt back, but Emily was sweet and kind. Well, screw sweet and kind. Being heartbroken sucked. The last time this happened I almost didn’t make it. I was a shell of a person for almost three years because of the combination of what happened to me and how my ex reacted to it all. I wasn’t going back to that person. Leaning my head back against the building, I worked to get my breathing under control. I needed to calm down before I drove home.

I was lost in my own thoughts when I felt someone come up beside me. It took everything in me not to attack whoever it was as I opened my eyes.

“You look lost in thought, beautiful,” Nathan stated.

“I am, but I’d rather not be,” I responded back with a grin.

“Well let’s see what we can do to stop that beautiful mind of yours from working on overdrive shall we?”

“I don’t know if that’s possible. I’ve had a rough night. I just want to head home and hide under the covers for a while.” I didn’t want the company right now. I just needed to get away from here because I couldn’t face him again.

“Oh no, you don’t. We’re not giving up that easily. We’re going to go back in here and have some fun,” he stated, grabbing my arm. He knew me too well. He knew I was about to run and hide.

“How did you know I was here?”

“Sophia texted me and told me what happened. I wanted to be here for you and make sure you didn’t go back into that shell of yours. I know just what we are going to do to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

God I hated it when he got all cocky on me.

“And what pray tell is that?”

“We’re going to go back into that bar, take some shots, and show that asshole what he’s missing?”

“You think so, huh? I’m not saying that’s going to happen, but how are we going to show him what he’s missing?”

“You leave that to me babe. Now get your sexy ass back there. I’m going to order us some drinks and we are going to live it up tonight.”

I let out a sigh. It did sound like fun even though I wasn’t in the mood for fun. I needed this. I’m just glad Nathan knew what I needed even though I didn’t. I just hoped whatever plan he was concocting wasn’t going to blow up in my face or make me look like an idiot. That man had no shame.

I made my way back over to the table where I left Sophia. Sneaking up behind her, I put my hands over her eyes and whispered in her ear, “I should strangle you right now. We said no men tonight and low and behold you call upon Nathan to come save the day. I won’t though. Instead, I’m going to say thank you.”

I pulled back and she was grinning at me. She was never going to let me live this down.

“Oh hell. It’s going to snow outside. All mighty Emily is saying thank you and admitting I’m right,” she laughed.

“Now wait a minute. I never said anything about you being right. All I said was thank you. Don’t go putting words in my mouth or reading too much into it.”

“Oh no. That was you admitting I was right. I’m going to mark this down on the calendar for future references. Now where is that fine ass rocker. I know you said no men tonight, but damn I don’t mind the eye candy,” she said with a grin.

Scanning the crowd, I spotted him making his way back over to the table with our shots. I smiled at the thought of my friends being there for me tonight. They’re just what I needed. He made his way over to the table and I took him in. He was definitely a fine specimen if I do say so myself. Too bad he was younger than me and my heart was taken. If that weren’t the case, I don’t think I could turn him away if he were to ask. I needed to stop those thoughts. They were never going to happen and I wasn’t that girl anymore. I wasn’t a dreamer. I took life by its balls so to speak and that’s what I was going to start doing tonight. I just needed to know what Nathan’s plan was. My mood was still spiteful and I needed to take out some aggression soon.

Nathan handed me and Sophia our shots and raised his. “To tearing down the house and living it up,” he chimed. We all clinked our glasses together and took them. The liquor burned my throat, but I welcomed it. I needed to let loose.

“So Nathan, where are our drinks? You know I need a chaser.”

“The bartender is bringing them in a few. You will have to wait until then,” he joked.

“So what’s this plan of yours? I’m kind of nervous to know what it is.” I replied. I was nervous. The last time he had a plan we revealed our secret song to the world.

“Babe, it’s going to be a blast. Remember how we used to sing karaoke at the teen center to get the kids to loosen up?”

Now I’m definitely nervous. All I could do was nod my head.

“You remember that song they used to love us to sing together?”

How could I forget? That song started crazy rumors throughout the bunch of kids and we had to set them straight. I just nodded again.

“Well, I figured that the jackass needs a taste of his own medicine. I know how jealous he got seeing us singing Guardian Angel and I figured that maybe jealousy will serve him right. He hurt you and I hate it. Since I know you’d object to me beating his ass, I figured this is the next best thing.”

I knew he was going to do something like this. It took me forever to convince Mattie that there was only friendship between me and Nathan and that connection he thinks he saw was just how well we connected on stage. It was a perfect plan. I just hoped it didn’t backfire in my face. Oh hell. Who was I kidding? I loved Mattie, but right now this is the least of what he deserves.

“I really shouldn’t have told you he was jealous. Your ego got even bigger,” I joked.

“You know you want to.”

“Fine. When are we up? I might need another shot to calm myself before we go on.”

It was true. My nerves didn’t bother me anymore when I performed, but I was more nervous of what Mattie was going to think. I just sang a song to him saying I was sorry and even though he didn’t seem to care, I didn’t want him getting the wrong idea from what we were about to sing. It’s kind of ironic though. The song choice is perfect for what I’m feeling, but the way me and Nathan perform is another story. I don’t know how we do it, but on stage we’re perfect together. It’s amazing to see and feel.

The bartender brought us our drinks and another round of shots. We quickly toasted and took our shots so Nathan and I could make our way to the stage. The other singer was almost finished and I didn’t know if we were being introduced or not so I took a few calming breaths. She stepped down and Nathan signaled me that it was our turn. I guess we were going for the surprise tactic again. The lights dimmed and I sat down on one of the stools that were facing each other. Apparently he was going all out with this performance. The DJ brought another microphone over to me and said he would signal me when to begin.

He leaned over and whispered into my ear “We’re going to rock this and do this just like we used to. You remember, right?”

I nodded my head, let out a giggle, and turned towards him. We were so close our lips almost touched.

“What’s so funny?”

“I was just thinking that you might ruin your rocker image singing an R&B song. Plus, you just said we were going to rock the song,” I stated with a smile.

“I won’t ruin any image. If anything, it will make the ladies want me even more.”

“Egomaniac,” I stated.

I pulled back and looked toward the DJ. Nathan leaned back into the stool like nothing happened.

As soon as I started singing the lyrics to “No Air” by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown, I fell back into my rhythm. We continued to stare at each other while going back and forth between verses and the chorus. I had stood before the beginning part of the chorus because the emotions of the song were getting to me and Nathan followed suit. I turned away because it was all becoming too much and I was about to lose it. The truth of the matter was, Mattie was my air. He had started to mean everything to me in these past few months and then took it all away. Nathan quickly brought me back to reality by turning me back to face him. Now we were even closer as we began singing together again. It all seemed so fitting and I knew people thought it was part of the performance, but in all reality, it wasn’t. This is why we worked so well together. We took things as they came and rolled with it. As the song came to an end, I dropped my microphone from my hand as we usually did with this performance and we both sang the last part of the song from his. We sang the last line and I dropped my forehead to his. That was an amazing performance, but it drained me emotionally. We stared at each other for the briefest moment and as I was about to back away, Nathan put both of his hands gently on each side of my face and brought his lips to mine.

Oh my God. One of my best friends just kissed me. What the hell? All I could do was gasp and then for some reason I kissed him back. It was just a peck on the lips, but it was giving the wrong idea. I glanced back at the crowd who was on their feet and still clapping when I noticed Mattie storming towards the door. He turned back and looked straight at me. I could see nothing in his eyes but pure anger. Well, this isn’t good. Or is it? Now he knows how I feel. Nathan and I made our way off the stage and I knew he could tell I was over thinking everything.

He stopped me and whispered in my ear, “Don’t over think that kiss. It was just for show. Trust me. If I was going to kiss you, I mean really kiss you, it wouldn’t just be a peck on the lips and it couldn’t be in public,” he said with a big grin on his face.

“Shut it, asshole. You about gave me a heart attack. You pulled out all the stops with that one didn’t you,” I joked back.

“Hell yeah, I did. He deserved every bit of what he got.”

As we made our way back to the table, I decided that he did, in fact, deserve it and if he wants to continue to walk away from me, then fine. The only thing I wasn’t going to do anymore was try to get him to talk to me. I was done with all that. At least that’s what my head was telling me. My heart, on the other hand, was a different story.

* * *

I couldn’t take watching them anymore. She always claimed that they were just friends and that the connection they shared just shown when they performed. Stage presence she called it. Well, I was calling bullshit right now. She may not have feelings for him, but he damn well had feelings for her. Just watching how he sang to her and the feelings that shown through his facial expressions was enough to send me over the edge. When I thought it couldn’t get any worse, he had the audacity to kiss her. She was MINE. The key word being WAS. Technically, she’s not anymore and I only have myself to blame. What have I done?

I continued to storm off to my truck when I heard Jeremiah yelling after me. I wasn’t in the mood for his holier than thou approach tonight. I didn’t feel like being the bigger man. No, I felt like knocking Nathan fucking Cage’s lights out. I needed to get out of here and fast. She wanted something that I just couldn’t give her. I needed to find a way to stop being such a chicken shit and just tell her because one day she wasn’t going to turn Nathan’s advances down. No, one day she was going to get fed up with waiting for me and she’d move on. I couldn’t help it that every time I tried talking about it I couldn’t get the words out. Well, I was going to have to get over that and fast or the woman that I love wasn’t going to be there.

I made my way to my truck and climbed in. I needed to calm down before I drove away from here because causing an accident wasn’t something else that I needed on my conscious. I had my head rested on my steering wheel when I heard a knock on my window. For some strange reason, I wanted it to be her even though I knew that was wishful thinking.

I turned slightly to roll down the window and took a look at who was there. Low and behold it was Jeremiah. Sometimes, I didn’t know what I would do without this guy and other times, I just wanted to strangle him.

“I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I know that had to be tough to watch in there.”

“Yeah, it was. I needed to get out of there before I did something that I couldn’t take back, like knock Nathan’s lights out.”

“Yeah, she probably wouldn’t forgive you for that. And who knows maybe she was singing those words to you.”

“That’s doubtful, but thanks for trying to give me hope when there probably isn’t any.”

“I know you don’t want to tell her whatever it is that you are keeping from her, but maybe you need to man up and just tell her anyway. If it were me, I don’t think that I could just walk away from someone like her.”

“You’re right. I’m just trying to figure out how. I left it all behind for a reason. I didn’t want to have to talk about it after I left, but it looks like I might have to in order to get her back. She was pretty adamant that if I didn’t tell her there wouldn’t be us anymore.” I let out a long breath. Just thinking about never holding her again was killing me slowly on the inside.

“Then figure it out and get her back. I’m heading home. Are you sure that you’re good to drive now?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks for everything.”

“No problem. I’ve been there and done that,” he stated with a laugh.

“Haven’t we all. See you around.”

I started the engine and drove home. I knew he was right, but how do you tell someone what I’ve done and handle seeing the pity that they feel. I left because I got tired of seeing it in everyone else’s eyes and I didn’t know if I could handle seeing it in hers.

Fifteen minutes later, I was finally home. I needed to sleep this off and wake up with a fresh mindset. Hopefully then I could figure out the best way to go about telling her. That was if I could even muster up the courage. I brushed my teeth and changed into some sweats. I made my way into the bed and just stared up at the ceiling. God I wish she was here with me. Her smell was almost gone and that thought alone pissed me off. I was to blame and I knew it. Now I needed to figure out how to fix it. I let out a sigh and closed my eyes. The last thing I remembered before drifting off to sleep was her smile. Her smile always made everything better.