I was getting a bit frustrated. I knew that he was keeping a part of himself from me. Things just didn’t add up. He says he’s a family man and that they mean the world to him, but why would a man who is that close to his family move clear across the country? He said he just needed a change, but why make that big of one? There are other ways to make changes in your life without making one that drastic. The only elaboration that I’ve gotten from him was that he needed to get away. Get away from what? That was the question that I wanted to be answered. I’ve tried my hardest to not push and let him come to me, but I’m tired of feeling like he's a hypocrite. He always wanted me to open up. Even if he didn’t push the issue, I just knew that’s what he wanted. Now he’s the one being difficult. Oh, how the tables have turned. I know I should try to be more patient, but it’s been a couple of months since things have gotten more serious between us. I thought he would have opened up by now. I’ve decided that maybe he needs a little push to get there. I’m going to just come flat out and ask him to tell me the real reason he left Texas. It had to be something serious because it sounded like he had a good life before he left. He had what I only wish I still had. I left it all to protect everyone, but mostly myself. I was in physical danger and I knew my family would eventually be, so I took off. My story was completely different than his though. Sometimes when I look into his eyes I can see the brokenness he tries to hide. He tries to come off as some badass, but he’s a soft-hearted man who would do anything for those he cares about.

He would be here soon. He’s made a habit out of coming over after all of his day shifts and if he can’t, he always texts before now so I was just waiting for him to get here. I decided earlier in the day that I would make a delicious dinner and hopefully he softened up like usual when he had a good meal in front of him. I was making homemade chicken fettuccini Alfredo, salad, and breadsticks. He seemed to love anything Italian so I knew this would probably be a hit. His shift was about over, so I knew he was going to be here soon. I was getting more nervous by the second. I hoped that I wasn’t doing a bad thing by trying to push for more information.

Before I knew it, he was walking through the door. I took several deep breaths because I needed to calm my nerves. The worst he could do was tell me to mind my own business and if that happened I would. I turned around from the stove as he walked into the kitchen with a smile on my face. I couldn’t believe that this man was all mine. He came up to me and wrapped his arms around me. I loved being in them. I always felt everything was right in my life when they were around me. I couldn’t help but smile at this moment.

I pulled back from him and stood up on my toes to kiss him. I shouldn’t do this because every time I started this it led to other things, but I needed his lips to calm the nerves that were slowly starting to consume me. It was innocent coming from me, but he quickly tried to heat things up. He grabbed me by the face and deepened the kiss to where it was almost painful. I brought my hands up to run them through his hair. His tongue grazed across my lips and I let him into my mouth. I was trying to remind myself that I needed to stop him, but he was making it very hard. I couldn’t control the feelings that were building up inside me if I tried. I needed to stop this before it got out of hand. I had a plan and I couldn’t let hormones get in the way. I brought my hands down from his hair and placed them on his chest. I gently pushed him away and looked into his eyes. We were both breathing heavily from that passionate kissing session and a smile spread across both of our faces. We both knew how to affect the other and sometimes used it to our advantage. I only wondered what his motive was. After catching my breath, I decided to be the one to break the silence.

“That was some kiss!” I said with a smile on my face.

“Only the best for my sweetheart,” he teased.

He knew how much that nickname annoyed me. All I could do was smile back at him and shake my head. This man loved to use that nickname to get me sidetracked and he knew what he was doing. Two could play his game though. I wasn’t falling for it this time. I was a woman on a mission.

I checked the sauce and it was finished. I took the salad out of the refrigerator and put it on the table. The timer for the oven went off letting me know that the bread sticks were done as I walked back into the kitchen. I grabbed them out of the oven, put them in a basket, and placed them on the table, as well. I prepared our plates and sat them down at the spots where we would be eating. As I gathered the silverware and salad bowls from the kitchen, I motioned for Mattie to follow me. Before sitting down, I realized that I had forgotten the wine in the refrigerator. Grabbing two wine glasses and the bottle of Moscato from the refrigerator, I poured us both a glass once I walked back into the dining room.

We both got portions of salad and began eating our meal. We chatted about our days and the conversation was flowing smoothly. Once we were finished eating, he helped me clean up the kitchen and load the dishes into the dishwasher. We put the leftovers in containers and into the refrigerator. I poured us both another glass of wine and we went into the living room and sat on the couch. I was debating on how to ask him what he was keeping from me. This was a delicate subject and I didn’t want to come off too strong, but I didn’t see any other way around it.

I looked over at him and told him that there was something that I wanted to talk to him about. He told me to ask away. I hoped he’d be forthcoming about what made him leave home because I wanted to help him the way he’s helped me. It was now or never. I took some deep breaths to calm my nerves. I reached over and grabbed both of his hands and he glanced up at me.

“I know that there’s more to the story of why you left Texas. You talk about your life there and your family and it seems like you had an amazing one. I don’t know many people who would leave it all behind just because they needed a change. What really made you leave?”

He let go of my hands and rubbed them across his face. He rested his elbows on his knees and was holding his head in his hands. I hoped I didn’t bring up something that I shouldn’t have.

I touched his arm trying to console him. “You can tell me. Let me in and let me help you.”

“There’s nothing to tell. I’ve told you that I left because I needed something different. A change of scenery. There’s nothing more to it than that.”

“I know that there is. I’ve seen you having nightmares. I’ve heard you whimpering in your sleep and I’ve seen you wake up drenched in sweat. I’ve been there remember. I know that your demons can haunt you in your dreams as well as in your thoughts. You don’t have to keep it in anymore. You can lean on me this time.”

He stood up off the couch seeming to be aggravated that I was pushing him on this and not taking what he was saying at face value. Part of me wanted to just let it go, but the other part of me wanted to keep pressing so that he would finally tell me the truth.

“Those are just nightmares. People have them all of the time. You’re reading way too much into something that isn’t there. I’m fine.”

“Then why won’t you go home to visit your family? If you weren’t running from something, why couldn’t you go home at Christmas when they all wanted to see you?”

“Because I just didn’t want to go home. Why are you pushing this? Just let it go,” he gritted through his teeth.

That alone let me know that there was more to it and I wasn’t going to let up now.

“You need to talk about it or it will eat you alive. I should know.”

“You’re going to go there? Really? Like you talked about what happened to you, right? Well, you didn’t for three years. You lied to everyone around you and didn’t let anyone get close to you. Hell, it took you months to let me in,” he shouted.

“That was completely different and you know it. I couldn’t let anyone in because I couldn’t risk being found. Our situations are nothing alike so you can’t compare them,” I countered back.

“It’s the same concept. You didn’t want to talk about what happened to you because it was too painful. Well, the part that you got wrong is that nothing happened to make me leave. I just left. End of story.”

“You are so full of shit. Why are you lying to me? The least you could do is tell me you don’t want to talk about it or that you’ll talk about it when you’re ready. Don’t play me for a fool. I study people for a living remember.”

“Stop studying me and let this go. There’s nothing to tell. Why can’t you just believe me and drop it?”

“Because I want to help you and you aren’t going to let me in if I just drop it.”

“I’m not going to let you in either way because there’s nothing to tell. Drop it now, please,” he demanded.

He walked over to me and put his arms around me. He pulled me into him and started kissing my neck. He wasn’t going to get out of it this time. I wasn’t going to let him. He wasn’t going to shut me up by using sex to divert my attention.

I pushed him away and he looked hurt. Well, he was hurting me and I couldn’t care about how pushing away was making him feel.

“You’re not getting out of it that easily. I know you’re lying, so why don’t you just stop and tell me what you’re keeping from me. You know you can trust me. Just let me in so I can help you.”

He backed away from me. He looked so angry, but I still wasn’t backing down.

“You need to let this fucking go. Drop. It. Now.” He had his fists clenched tightly at his sides. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, but that gesture alone let me know that I was right about him lying to me.

“I will not drop it. I want to help you. So let me help you.”

“There’s nothing to fucking tell. Why won’t you believe me?”

“Because someone who wasn’t keeping something from me wouldn’t be getting so angry with my questions. I’m not letting this go because I don’t believe you.”

“Well then that settles that.” He moved past me and grabbed his jacket off the back of the couch. I followed behind him and stopped him once he got to the door.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“I’m done. You obviously don’t trust me to tell you the truth so why even bother?”

“I do trust you, but I know that you’re keeping something from me. It took us so long to finally get where we are right now. You honestly can walk away from all of that?”

“Whose fault is it that it took so long to get there, huh?” I stepped back from him and gasped. Why was he doing this? I knew deep down that he was just trying to push me away, but it still hurt that he was throwing in my face how scared I was to let him in.

“That’s not fair. You said you understood why I did what I did to push you away. Why throw that in my face now?”

“It’s the truth that’s why. You are a fucking hypocrite you know that? You want me to let you in, but it took months for you to let me in. Now that the tables are turned, you just expect me to tell you all of my deepest, darkest secrets. News flash, sweetheart. It doesn’t work that way.”

After he’d finished that last statement, he opened the door and walked out, slamming it behind him.

I was still in shock about what went down just now. I didn’t know how to take it. Everything was fine and then it all went to hell in a hand basket fast. What did I do? I shouldn’t have pushed him. I should have just dropped it for now and brought it up later. Me and my big mouth and the need for the truth. Damnit. Tears started streaming down my face at the realization that I probably just lost the man that I love with all of my heart.

I went into my kitchen and texted Sophia, Jeremiah, and Nathan. I needed my friends right now. I sunk down to the floor and wrapped my arms around my knees and let the tears fall.

They all showed up within an hour with a variety of goodies. These people really did know me so well. As well as they could, considering that they couldn’t know my real name.

Sophia had a bottle of wine. That girl and her need for wine was hilarious. Jeremiah had a bag of Reese’s candy, which was my favorite go to candy. Nathan had his arms stretched out to me wanting a hug. These people were truly amazing. They just dropped everything to come over here to be there for me. I was glad that I had found them. I went over to Nathan and wrapped my arms around his waist. He embraced me tightly and the tears started again. He rubbed his hands up and down my back telling me over and over again that it was all going to be okay. I didn’t see how it was going to be okay, but I couldn’t bring myself to talk.

Jeremiah and Sophia came up behind me and wrapped their arms around me as well. The gesture made me laugh. Here I was a sobbing mess and I was in a bear hug with my friends. I was truly blessed at this moment. I didn’t have my family anymore, but I had created another family here. They may not be my blood, but they were the closest thing I was going to get.

Moving out of their embrace, I walked over to the couch and sat down. Sophia and Jeremiah sat on each side of me and Nathan sat on the floor right in front of me.

Sophia spoke first asking what had happened. I didn’t know if I could tell them without breaking down again, but I had to try. They didn’t come all the way over here for me to clam up now.

I told them everything that had happened between us, even what he said to push me away. I almost broke down again when I got to that part, but I held it together.

Sophia wanted to murder him. It was almost comical to see her rant and rave about how he was a selfish asshole. Her words not mine. Jeremiah looked torn. I knew that he didn’t want to be in the middle of it because they were also friends and that was okay with me. Just knowing that he was here for me was enough.

Nathan, on the other hand, wasn’t showing any emotion. He was just staring at me. The look he was giving me almost made me want to turn away from him. He shocked me when he pulled me down off the couch and settled me into his lap. This was a little awkward, but I didn’t say anything. I just wanted to be held right now and it felt nice knowing that he cared enough to give me what I needed. I didn’t have feelings for him or anything like that, but I’d never seen this side of him before. He was usually the big bad rocker, not this sweet and caring man.

Resting my head on his shoulder, he rocked us back and forth on the floor. Exhaustion was starting to take over from the stressful events of the day. The last thing I remembered before sleep came was Nathan whispering in my ear that he would always be here for me whenever I needed him.

* * *

Storming out of her house wasn’t the answer, but I couldn’t take her constant pushing on the subject. Was it wrong for me to lie to her? Probably so. I just couldn’t take the look in her eyes that I knew would be there when I told her why I ran from my life. Was I a coward? Definitely. You could even call me a hypocrite because I was. I wanted her to open up to me and she finally did, but when she asked me what I was running from, I just froze. I needed her to change the subject, but she just wouldn’t give up. At that moment, I was missing the shy Emily that I had first met. The Emily who wouldn’t press people for information because she was too scared to reveal her own.

I made it back to my place and just sat in the truck in front of my apartment. I knew that I had messed up, but I couldn’t take it back now. I just can’t let her in. I’m not ready yet. I may never be ready. I don’t think I could speak the words out loud to explain it all. I did enough explaining back home. At least here no one knew enough to press me for information. That’s the thing that I loved about living in this new state.

I laid my head down on the steering wheel and tried to breathe through my panic. I couldn’t believe that the woman that I had fought so hard for was gone right now. I wanted nothing more than for her to be in my arms, but she just wouldn’t stop. Who did she think she was? I never pressed her for information. I let her tell me in her own time. Why couldn’t she do the same for me? I hated feeling that I was backed into a corner, so I did the one thing I knew that would make her stop. I said things that I couldn’t take back.

I reached for my phone to text Jeremiah. I needed to go to the bar and drink this night away. He texted back that he couldn’t go because he was at Emily’s. That didn’t surprise me. They were friends first after all. I debated asking him how she was for about ten minutes before I finally gave in and sent a text.

Jeremiah: She’s hurting man. What did you do that for?

Me: She backed me into a corner and I reacted. I can’t tell her man. I just can’t.

Jeremiah: Well, you better be ready to lose her then.

He was right. I just couldn’t open myself up to her like that. I wondered who all was over there so I just came out and asked him. I didn’t have the right to know, but I wanted to know if Nathan was swooping in to save the day. She couldn’t see his feelings for her, but I sure could.

He responded back within minutes that Sophia and Nathan were there as well.

I fucking knew it. I knew he would use this as an opportunity. What the fuck did I do?

Getting out of the truck, I went into my apartment heading straight for the kitchen, I pulled out the bottle of Jack Daniels. I was just going to drink my problems away for the night and deal with whatever came tomorrow. I just hoped that I didn’t lose her for good.

The next morning I woke up with a massive hangover. It’s what I deserved after consuming all of that alcohol last night. I reluctantly got out of bed and went to use the bathroom and brush my teeth.

I needed to escape. Escape all of the feelings that were building up inside of me all over again. I put on some sweats, a t-shirt, socks, and running shoes. Grabbing my hoodie from the closet in the living room, I went out the door.

I ran for hours trying to exhaust my body and mind. It worked on exhausting my body, but my mind was still racing a mile a minute.

I was angry. Angry because she just had to push the issue. Angry because I said the things that I did. Most of all, I was angry because I probably just lost the woman that I loved. If she hadn’t pushed me, I wouldn’t have felt the need to react. I would have told her it all eventually, but with the one-year anniversary looming around the corner, I just couldn’t talk about it.

I needed to figure out a plan because I just couldn’t see how any of this was going to work its way out. I knew that she wouldn’t accept me back until I was ready to confess it all. The only problem with that was I didn’t see myself confessing my demons to her anytime soon. Now it was time to face the music. I was the one who walked away. The only question now was could I live my life without her in it?