It’s been four weeks since those eyes began haunting my thoughts and dreams. Avoiding him has been easier than I anticipated. There’s always a risk that a case would bring us face to face again, but luckily that hasn’t occurred just yet. I’m not ready to see him. I can’t explain how much he’s changed my pattern of thinking in just a couple of chance meetings. But those eyes have miraculously given me faith that I can begin to finally heal from what happened almost three years ago. It’s crazy to think how a chance encounter with a stranger can change everything.

My therapy sessions have also begun to open up a new light in me. It’s crazy how going to the shooting range has helped me see that I can heal and begin to merge the old me with the new me. I never thought that’d be possible. I thought everything about who I was would be gone forever. I didn’t realize that the only thing that would have to disappear would be my name and basic information. I never thought I could integrate the things I used to love into the person that I have become today.

My phone chimed breaking me out of my thoughts. I looked at my phone and noticed that Sophia had texted me regarding tonight. It was Halloween, and she wanted me to go to the bar with her. I’ve been able to dodge her effort’s to get me to go out with her for the whole time we’ve been friends. How that’s been possible baffled me. Those types of situations make me uncomfortable. People touching me makes me nervous and I can’t explain to her why. She would ask questions that can’t be answered, and I can’t have her questioning everything now. I really want to go. I have a new found confidence level, and I need to do this for myself. I can do this. Deciding to go with the flow, I messaged her back my answer.

Me: I’ve decided to go! Crazy huh?

Sophia: Are you freaking serious? SWEET!!!! Now to find you a costume.

Me: You didn’t say I’d have to dress up Sophia!!!!

Sophia: It’s Halloween. Of course, we’re dressing up. Now to find you something hot to wear. I’m thinking naughty nurse. LOL!

Me: That’s not happening. How about an inmate? LOL

Sophia: Perfect idea. I have just the thing for you to wear. But you have to promise you’ll wear it. No questions asked.

Me: Not happening.

Sophia: Pretty, please?

Me: Fine.

This is going to be horrible. I just know I’m not going to like what I’ve gotten myself into. Oh well. I’ve got to step outside of my box sometime, right?

A few hours later, I stepped into my apartment ready to get this night started. I’m nervous but excited at the same time. I can’t believe I’m doing this. Guess I’m merging the new me into the old me in more ways than one now. I used to party with the best of them, but that night changed everything for me. I just have to remember to breathe and I’ll be fine.

She needs to hurry up and get here. I need to see what she’s making me wear tonight. I hope I’m ready for whatever she’s getting me into though. Too much too soon could hinder all the progress I’ve made so far.

A knock on the door startled me, but I know who the maniac knocking constantly is. Only Sophia would be so annoying while trying to get my attention. I go and yank it open startling her in the process. I couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped me noticing the shocked look on her face.

“You know the door was unlocked right?” I asked her still smirking.

“You never leave it unlocked, so why would I have assumed that?” she asked.

“Well, I’m changing my ways,” I stated through my laughter.

“Obviously. Now chica, let’s make you look hot. Not that you need any help in that department, but I want to make you even hotter,” she stated with that smirk that usually means she’s up to no good.

“What have you done?” I demanded.

“Well, since they were out of inmate costumes, I decided that you should be a sexy police officer. Come on, it fits since you have the hots for the new detective in town right?” She asked.

“No, I don’t have the hots for him. How could you think that? And when have I given you an inclination that I do, huh?”

“Well, you’ve avoided him at all costs. Going a different way when you see him coming, rerouting your way to work so you don’t run into him. How is that not avoiding him?”

“Whatever. Let’s get sexy so we can get our drink on,” I said.

After getting dressed, I was nervous to look in the mirror. This is something the old me would’ve worn and been proud of it. I’m not sure the new me approves though. I don’t like receiving attention. I purposely keep myself covered so that I don’t get noticed, and this outfit is not covering much. The dress is navy blue and buttons all the way up. There are patches that say officer and NYPD on them, and there’s a belt that holds handcuffs. I’m wearing knee high boots to pull off the sexy factor and have my hair straightened. I finally gain the courage to look, and I’m shocked at what I see. I can see the old me perfectly, and I don’t know that I like it. I’m trying to forget what she looked like and the person staring back at me is not helping. I can’t allow that though. I put a smile on my face and walk into the living room where Sophia is waiting with shots.

“Wow, chica look at you. You are fine. If I weren't straight, I would so take you home tonight, she joked. “Now come on take this shot with me so we can get our groove on.”

The tequila burns, but I’m going to need all the liquid courage I can muster to get through this night.

* * *

She haunts my thoughts and dreams. I’ve had constant dreams about her hazel eyes, and it’s starting to get to me. I don’t know how to handle that. I didn’t come here to reconnect and have feelings for anyone. I came here to get away from it all and start over. I wasn’t expecting to feel anything for anyone no time soon. I wanted to get my career established first. She just had to worm her way into my life. I wanted to fight it, but I was losing the battle. I should just walk away. Better yet run, but there’s just something about her. Something drawing me to her.

I know she’s purposely going out of her way to not be around me. The question is why? I know I haven’t done anything to her, but I have no clue as to why she’d be avoiding me. I know she felt our instant connection. It was all in her eyes. The past four weeks have been horrible. One part of me wants them out of my head so I’m not distracted and the other wants to be able to see them in person. It’s crazy to think that a woman’s eyes would affect me this way. I haven’t even taken all of her in yet, but it’s not from a lack of trying. I’ve tried to cross paths with her, but every time I see her she turns and walks the other way. I need something to get my mind off of her. I’m so glad that my partner has decided that the perfect way is going out to the bar tonight. I need a few drinks to calm my mind from thinking about her and my past. They slowly creep in when I least expect it, and I need to get them under control. I’m trying to not let my past control me. I want to move on, but those haunting visions are not making it easy. I know it’s only been a few months, but I desperately need to avoid all of these emotions. It’s the only way I know how to move on even if it’s not the best way. It’s my way, and that’s how it needs to be.

I told Mason I’d meet him at the bar. I need to get a move on if I want to make it there before it gets crazy. He wants to go in character, and I thought it’d be funny if I went as an inmate. I found the perfect orange jumpsuit, and I’ve made my mind up that those hazel eyes won’t cross my mind tonight.

As I walked out the front door, I ran into my new neighbor, Jeremiah. We’ve only met a few times in passing, but he seems cool. He looks like he’s about to head out for the night, as well.

“Hey man. How’s it going?” I asked.

“It’s going well. I’m about to go get my drink on. How about you? You look hilarious, by the way,” he replied with a hint of laughter.

“Yeah. My partner decided he wants to go out on the town and we needed costumes for Halloween. Where are you headed?”

“Meeting up with some friends at a club called Mystical. How about you?”

“That’s where I’m headed too. Guess I’ll see you there.”

“Yeah, I guess you will. Have fun. The Halloween party at this place is always a blast,” he stated.

“I’m going to try. It’s definitely much needed.”

I walked to my car and prayed that the alcohol will consume me. I just need to clear my mind and erase my thoughts for one night.

* * *

We walk into Mystical and it’s not what I expected. I thought this would be a quiet bar, but it’s a nightclub. Guess she pulled one over on me. Oh well. I need to dance and get as drunk as possible. I’m going to bring out a part of me that I thought had been long gone. My fun side will come out even if it kills me tomorrow.

The place is packed, but Sophia manages to make her way to the bar in record time. She orders us shots of tequila and Jack and Cokes. I’m glad because I’m going to need the strong stuff. We down them, toasting to an amazing night and I take a big gulp of my drink to chase away the burn. I needed this more than I realized.

Several shots and a few drinks later, I’m feeling the effects of the alcohol. It feels great to be free from all that has happened. Who knew that this is exactly what I needed to come out of my shell? I guess Sophia is a better friend than I thought.

She nudged me and motions us to the dance floor. I didn’t know if I could handle this, but she wasn’t taking no for an answer, so I guess we would see.

We made our way to the dance floor, and the song that was playing was very fitting. “Dirty” by Christina Aguilera was an older song, but it’s just what I wanted to hear. I needed this type of song to get the feeling of being free from it all back. We began grinding on each other and dancing quite erotically. I knew this would be bad, but I didn’t care. At this moment, I felt more alive than I had in years. The song ended, and a new one began. One that made me think of those beautiful blue eyes. Selena Gomez’s “Come and Get It” was perfect for what I wanted to say to him, but didn’t have the courage to do. We continued to dance and all of a sudden, things went from being great to awful in the blink of an eye.

I felt someone grab me from behind, and that’s all it took for my panic to take over. I tried to remember to breathe, but that was becoming increasingly hard. I kept trying to pry whoever’s hands were on me off, but he wasn’t budging. All of a sudden, he leaned down in my ear and whispered, “Come on sweetheart. You know you want this,” as he continued to grind his hips on me.

I froze. Thoughts of that night came flooding back. I couldn’t stop them even if I wanted to. The place that I was desperately trying to forget was where my mind diverted to. I stopped hearing everyone around me and blanked it all out. The only survival mechanism I have that actually helps me survive. I couldn’t fight even if I wanted to. Time just stopped. I vaguely heard a voice that I knew and that’s where it all ended.

* * *

I arrived at the bar and quickly got two beers. I was going to be double fisting it all night so that I could erase my thoughts. I knew this would be a bad idea for how I would feel tomorrow, but tomorrow wasn’t here, and I was living for tonight. I walked over to an empty spot and searched the crowd for Mason and Jeremiah. If I hadn’t found them in a few minutes, I would text them, but for now I just wanted to people watch.

I scanned the crowd and immediately stopped on the dance floor, finding her instantly. She looked so carefree. I can’t believe that she was wearing that police uniform and that she looked like she was having fun. This was so out of her element from what I’d gathered from others at the station. They all said she didn’t come to office parties and that she kept to herself. Seeing her drinking and dancing the way she is was shocking. I could watch her all night. I spent a few minutes taking her all in. She had legs that went on for miles. She was curvy in all the right places. I could just imagine gripping her hips from behind. I needed to stop these thoughts before I embarrassed myself. Making my way up to her face, I was mesmerized. Her hair fell beautifully around her face and was down the middle of her back. It looked so silky, and I just wanted to run my fingers through it. She had the most beautiful complexion and the smoothest looking skin I’d ever seen. Making this beautiful woman mine was now what I wanted to do. I just didn’t know how. Screw the challenge I set for myself because at this moment I knew that I was a goner.

All of a sudden, things changed. I noticed a man walking up behind her, but I stayed where I was. I didn’t want to be overbearing and didn’t know if she’d want to dance with him. They started dancing together, but she stopped when he put his hands on her hips. She was trying to get him off her, when he bent down and whispered something to her. Her face immediately went blank and she stilled. I knew this was going to be bad and I had to rescue her. I made my way over to her as fast as I could.

“Hey, asshole. Get your fucking hands off her,” I yelled.

He turned around and laughed stating, “Hey man, she wants this just as much as I do,” he slurred.

I saw red. I swung my fist before thinking and he dropped to the floor not moving. Damn. I knocked him out in one punch. I walked up to her and she just stood there like she wasn’t seeing me.

“Emily, are you okay?” I asked hesitantly.

She still wasn’t responding. I didn’t know what else to do so I turned to her friend and asked for help.

“Sophia, right? How do I help her? She’s not answering me.” Panic started to set in because I didn’t know how to react in this situation.

“I have no idea. She’s never gone out with me before. I thought it would be fun. I don’t know why she would be reacting this way,” she said with tears streaming down her face.

“I need to get her out of here. Can you text me her address? I’m going to take her home. Hopefully, she doesn’t freak out on me.”

“Yeah, I can do that. I’ll walk out with you and get her purse out of my car,” she said.

I sat the beers in my hand down on one of the nearby tables and returned to her side. I didn’t know if she’d walk or not. She still wasn’t responding to anyone, so I did the only thing I could that would ensure she was able to get out of this place. I scooped her up in my arms and started walking towards to door. She shocked me by turning into me and laying her head on my shoulder. I knew right at this moment that I would do anything to protect this woman. She was special and needed a protector. I decided that I’d take any type of relationship that she’d give me just to stay close to her. Even if it just meant that we would be friends. I just didn’t know if I could handle only being friends. I know I had made a promise to myself that I would stay away from her, but I didn’t think that would be possible now.

I walked to the parking lot and met Sophia to get her purse. She went through it and handed me her keys. Her facial expressions showed just how horrified she was and how terrible she felt. I felt awful for her, but this wasn’t her fault.

“Please text me and let me know when you get her home. This is entirely my fault. I shouldn’t have pushed her into this. She’s never agreed before and I should have taken the hint. I just wanted her to have fun for once.”

“I’ll let you know when she’s we get back to her place. Don’t blame yourself. She looked to be having fun before that asshole ruined it all. She’ll be fine. I’ll make sure of it,” I stated, hoping that I was right.

I laid her in the front seat of my truck and buckled the seat belt around her. She looked so fragile. It killed me to take my arms off her. I just wanted to comfort her, even if she didn’t realize it was me doing it. I got into the driver’s seat, started the truck, and made my way down the streets leading to her home. A few minutes into the drive, she began to whimper against the window. I was scared to even move because I didn’t want to frighten her any more than she already was. Then she turned towards me and looked right into my eyes. She seemed to recognize me, but I didn’t want to push my luck. I decided the safest way to approach her was to speak and not touch her.

“Emily, how are you feeling?”

She struggled to answer between her tears and gasping for breath. “I just want to feel safe again. I don’t remember what set me off into a panicked state. I just remember feeling you pick me up and carry me to your truck. I need to feel safe right now. Please help me,” she managed to get out in between tears.

I didn’t know what else to do, so I lifted up the console that separated us and held up my arm. I hoped she took the hint at what I was getting at. Her words made me want to pull over and just hold her, but I needed to get her home.

She looked at me hesitantly and seemed to be thinking about what she wanted to do. She took a few deep breaths and moved over into my embrace. I wrapped my arm around her and whispered, “You’re safe now. I won’t let anything happen to you while I’m around. Just rest.”

I finally pulled into her driveway and noticed that she was asleep against me. I didn’t want to move. I just wanted to lay here with her while she looked so peaceful. I managed to get my arm from around her without waking her and shut off the truck. I got out the door and nudged her, attempting to wake her.

“Hey, sleepyhead. We’re at your house. I’m going to make sure you get in safe and sound,” I whispered.

She wasn’t waking up. I went to her front door and unlocked it. I made my way inside and sat down her purse and keys on the table beside the door. I walked back outside to bring her in the house. I scooped her into my arms and she instantly leaned into me, settling her head on my shoulders. I hoped this means she wouldn’t continue to avoid me after tonight.

I walked back into her home and went searching for her bedroom. The first room I got too looked to be a guest room, so I continued down to the end of the hall and opened that door. This appeared to be her bedroom. There were a few items of clothing on the floor along with some shoes. “Women and their need to try on several things before making a decision,” I thought to myself. I made my way over to the bed and pulled back the covers, making sure to gently lay her down. I didn’t know if I should make her more comfortable or not. Deciding that she should be, I went to her dresser and pulled out a t-shirt and a pair of shorts. I hoped I was doing the right thing. If she woke up, this could be bad. I pulled off her boots and unbuttoned her costume. She still didn’t stir. I kept my eyes on her face because I didn’t want to peak at what she looked like. I wanted to save that for the time that she decided to show me. So I put on the shirt and shorts without even glancing at her body. She rolled over, and I placed the covers over her. Leaning down, I kissed her head and then whispered in her ear, “You’re safe, sweetheart. Sleep now.”

I was making my way to the bedroom door when she began to whimper in her sleep. I slowly turned around just to make sure she was okay when she screamed out, “PLEASE DON’T DO THIS TO ME. PLEASE STOP.” She was tossing and turning now, struggling through her nightmare. Running over to her, I shook her to rouse her out of a bad dream.

“Emily, please wake up.”

She jumped up after a few shakes and stared up at me. She was sweating and breathing heavily. She looked so lost. I rubbed my hands down her arms to comfort her never taking my eyes off of hers.

“It was just a dream. You’re safe.”

She stared at me and then said what I wasn’t expecting. “I will never be safe from that. EVER,” she whispered.

She began shaking, so I pulled her close to me and hugged her tightly. I didn’t have words for that confession. I knew that demons could haunt you and hers seemed to be doing just that.

“You’re safe now. Are you going to be okay? I’m going to head out and just wanted to make sure you’d be alright on your own.”

She looked up at me and seemed unsure. The tears started falling from her eyes again and all I wanted to do was make her pain go away. Only I didn’t know what that pain was or how to make it stop.

“Please don’t leave me. I can’t stand being alone anymore. I just want to feel safe. I don’t know why, but you seem to be the only one to make me feel that way,” she pleaded desperately.

“Okay, I won’t leave then. Where are your blankets? I’ll go and sleep on the couch so you can feel safe knowing you aren’t alone. And just know that I’d never do anything to hurt you.”

She jumped up shocking me. “No, I need you here. Please just hold me. I haven’t felt safe in years and being in your arms, even though I was out of it, made me feel protected. Please just lay here with me.”

“I’ll lay here with you. Are you sure that’s okay though? You don’t seem to like to be touched and I only carried you because you didn’t respond.” Making sure this wasn’t just the alcohol talking was my top priority. I desperately wanted to hold this woman and didn’t know why. I knew that I needed her in my life and to make sure she was okay.

“Yes. I’m sure,” she whispered.

“I’m going to go get some sweat pants out of my truck. I’m also going to lock up. I’ll be right back.”

I went to my truck and grabbed my gym bag. I also texted Sophia so she knew that Emily made it home safely. As I made my way back into the house, I locked the door. Wiping my face, I wondered for a few seconds if this was the right thing to do. I just prayed she didn’t wake up in the morning and freak out.

After I changed my clothes and rinsed my mouth with some mouthwash, I went back into her room. She was already under the covers. She seemed to have stopped crying which I prayed was a good sign. I crawled in on the other side of her and got under the covers. I turned onto my side and stared at her. She looked up at me with the most desperate expression on her face and scooted over to me, laying her head down on my bare chest. Wrapping my arms around her, I breathed her in. She smelled of vanilla. It was becoming my new favorite scent. Her breathing relaxed, as well as her body. I pulled back from her, cradling her face into my hands. I kissed her forehead and rested mine onto hers. Looking into her eyes, I whispered the vow that I was making from this moment forward, “I promise to keep you safe and make you feel protected whenever you need it.” She nodded as if she understood, and I pulled her back into me. We both drifted off to sleep.