Carter
Sadie’s about three months pregnant now. I’ve seen her in town and she doesn’t really look any different, except she seems happier. I caught her holding her hand lowdown over her stomach and the reality of the situation kicked me between the legs. She’s growing a baby inside her. My baby.
People talk about how pregnant women glow, and I can see what they mean. There’s just something about her that seems more vibrant.
Dale tells me she’s doing well. Apparently, as long as she has a little toast and tea in the mornings, she doesn’t get sick. She’s full of energy, painting from early in the morning until late in the evening. He keeps calling me and inviting me round but I’ve been avoiding it. We meet for beers sometimes after work and pretend things are normal, but things don’t feel right for me.
Maybe they don’t feel right for him either, but neither of us is saying anything.
I’m dog tired today. My new construction job is physically demanding, just the way I like it. It’s dirty and hard and wears on my body, but it feels good to work. To build something and have a reason to get up every day.
I’m sitting at the local diner, drinking coffee and wolfing down the eggs I ordered. I’m scrolling through my phone, checking out the news when it rings.
It’s my brother. He doesn’t call me this early, so I’m immediately worried.
“What’s up,” I say.
“Morning to you too,” he says, laughing. “Jeez, you need to work on your social skills.”
“Very funny,” I say dryly. “Why are you calling me at the ass crack of dawn.”
“Who’s Dawn?” he laughs.
I snort. My brother thinks he’s a friggin’ comedian this early in the morning.
“Sadie got a date for her sonogram.”
“Sono-what?”
“Her baby scan. Serious, why do you not know this shit.”
“Because I’ve spent most of my adult life bunking down with massive, sweaty, fighting men, not having girly chats about women’s issues, Dale.” A man on another table raises his eyebrows at me. I guess I am talking a little too loud.
“She wants you to be there you Neanderthal.”
My heart skips in my chest and I want to punch myself in the head for being such a douche. This baby isn’t mine. I’m being invited out of pity.
“It’s not my place to be there for that,” I say. “You guys should go. It’s your big moment. Besides, what’s the doc going to think when he sees us all rocking up.”
“Who gives a fuck about that? Not me, and you shouldn’t either. Sadie wants this, bro, and I know I’ve already asked way more from you than I should, but don’t disappoint her, okay. She’s pumped with hormones and nesting like crazy already. She misses you. Will you come?”
I sign, rubbing my face with my free hand. Can I think of anything I want to do less right now than be the third wheel to a baby revealing ceremony? Not really, but I don’t want to piss off my brother. If Sadie really wants this then I don’t want to disappoint her either. It’s gonna be tough to see her after all this time. Although I’d never admit it to another living soul, I haven’t been able to jack off to anything other than the memory of our one night together since I moved out. Every time I come with Sadie on my mind I feel worse. It’s like a constant round of betrayal and guilt that only I know about.
“I’ll come,” I say. “Give me the details.”
--
And that’s how I end up here a few days later. We’re all awkwardly here in the doctor’s office in an office park downtown. Sadie is reclined on a hospital bed with her shirt pulled up over her belly. There’s just the slightest curve there to show she’s pregnant. The technician gives me and Dale an arched eyebrow but doesn’t say anything as she asks Sadie if she’s ready. Sadie nods and reaches back, grabbing our hands. Both our hands. This earns us another arched brow.
The technician warns Sadie that’s going to be cold and then she squeezes some clear gloop all over her stomach. The tech flips a switch and the lights in the room dim, the small black and white screen on the sonogram machine providing only light for us. The tech takes something that looks like a little handle and runs it over Sadie’s belly, smoothing the jelly looking around. She pushes and stares at the screen, moves it again and stares at the screen some more. Sadie’s eyes are fastened on the action too.
I have no idea what I’m looking at. It’s like trying to watch an un-tuned old black and white TV if you ask me, but Sadie is biting at her lip and Dale is watching the screen with all his attention. Finally, the tech stops and points to a little moving…what is that? A peanut? Then finally, I see it. Little legs kick out and the thing spins around. Sadie laughs delightedly. I can see what looks like a nose, and then I see little flailing arms. I’m astonished.
“Sade’s, can you feel that?” I ask. I watch as the little thing makes what looks like a swan dive in Sadie’s belly.
She laughs, her eyes still trained on the screen. “No, nothing at all.”
“Wow, he is really going at it,” I say.
“Or she,” Dale remarks.
I can hear the swish-swish of the little guy flipping around in there and I’m even more astonished when the tech tells us to listen and I hear the watery dub-dub bird-like heartbeat of the baby. My baby. That’s my child there, in black and white on the tiny TV screen. If I reach down and lay my hand on Sadie’s belly, maybe I’ll feel some of those little kicks and flips. I look down at Sadie and I’m almost overwhelmed by the emotion that sweeps over me. She’s giving me a child. I never thought I wanted one, not really. I’d never met a woman who I liked enough to even consider having a child with. Can’t think of a single person I would have wanted around that long. But this is different and I don’t know why.
I want a baby with her. I look at my brother and I want this. The day Sadie told us she was pregnant I walked away from what this has the potential to be. I could feel Sadie’s need when she gripped onto me and in her passionate kiss.
The tech swivels the little handle looking around some more and then reaches over to jiggle at Sadie’s belly. “This little jellybean doesn’t want to turn around,” she says. Then she jiggles a bit more and presses the handle deeper into Sadie’s stomach. She seems to be measuring things. I don’t know what she’s trying to check but whatever it is, I’m grateful for it.
“There,” she says finally and clicks a button on the machine. The picture freezes. The tech slides a mouse around and clicks a few more buttons. “I’m pleased to say that everything looks fine,” she says and points to the mouse arrow on the screen, “Would you like this image?”
“Yes,” Sadie says quickly. “Can you print out three, please?”
Three.
She’s thinking of me. Always thinking to include me.
I stare at the screen and it really sinks in. Sadie’s carrying my baby.
My heart skips and I feel my breath catch in my throat. I even feel my eyes start to well up but I blink it away. There’s no way to describe this overwhelming feeling that’s sweeping over me.
I look at Dale and he’s not holding back. Tears are rolling over his cheeks and he’s kissing Sadie’s face over and over as she smiles and tries to look around at the screen again. The tech laughs and makes a comment about the baby being a lucky boy to have a daddy, mommy, AND an uncle who obviously already love him so much. Then she hands Sadie a clean towel and tells us to just come out when we’re ready.
Sadie towels off her tummy, grimacing at the goop as she wipes it away. Dale helps her off the bed and she straightens her clothes and hair.
“I have to get to work,” Dale sighs. “I’d like to celebrate but somebody’s got to pay for college.”
“It’s okay, I was just going to do a little baby shopping today,” Sadie says, “now that we know everything’s okay.” She kisses him on the cheek.
“That’s a great idea. Carter, what are you doing?”
“I have a few hours before I have to head to work, I thought I’d…” I don’t get the chance to finish before Dale breaks in.
“That’s great! You can take Sadie.” He gives me an evil grin.
“Would you, Carter?” Sadie asks softly, “I’d love to have the company.”
“I’m going to get you for this,” I point at Dale before turning to Sadie. “I’d be happy to take you shopping, Sadie.”
“Have fun with that,” Dale says and kisses Sadie quickly on the lips. “I’ll see y’all later, love you both.” And then he’s headed out the door.
After quickly getting herself together, I walk Sadie out into the office. The ladies at the desk oh and ah over the sonogram images, even though you can barely make out a thing and they must see hundreds every week. She thanks them and makes another appointment before leading me outside.
“Good thing you came,” she remarks, “I rode with Dale and I’d need a ride home if nothing else. But thank you for shopping with me. I can imagine that it’s not exactly your favorite pastime!”
“Anything for you, Sade’s,” I say and lead her over to my new truck. Since I got the construction job and have been making good money, I’d spent some of my Marine Corps savings on a new truck. It was a shiny black and had tires big enough that I had to lift Sadie into the passenger side.
“This is the ultimate alpha male truck,” she laughs. “Seriously, ever macho dude I have ever known has driven a big, black truck with big ol’ tires. Is this something they teach in man school?”
“I don’t know about that,” I say, and crank the truck up, “I just like the sound.” I rev the engine up and the deep growl makes Sadie laugh again.
We pull out of the parking lot and Sadie directs me down one street and then another until we’re in the main shopping area of our little town. She points me to a shopping center to the right and I pull in and head for the Baby World store on the far end. I offer to drop her in front and find a parking space but she just says something about the walking being good for her so I find a spot to park my beast truck and help Sadie out of the passenger side.
We walk side by side and after a few paces, Sadie tucks her arm tucked through mine, chattering about the nursery and what color to paint it. She’s speaking fast and I get the feeling she’s a little nervous. We haven’t been alone since she sketched me and that was months ago. So much has changed but my feelings for her haven’t. She leads me into the store and I stop when I walk through the front door.
“Uh, Sadie, you want me to wait out by the truck for you?” I ask, eyeing a rack full of breast pumps.
“Don’t be silly. Come on, I want to look at cribs,” she says and tugs on my arm and pulls me through the store towards the back. This kind of thing really isn’t my bag but I can’t tell her no. I avert my eyes when I pass a lady with a baby latched to her tit. And then another. Shit, they’re everywhere.
“Okay, what do you think?” Sadie waves her hands toward a row of baby cribs, set up for display along the back of the store. “I kind of like this one. Almost reminds me of a boat.” She points at a crib.
“Hm, I don’t know.” I circle the baby bed and look at it with a critical eye, reaching out to tug at the sides and rocking it back and forth. “Honestly, this doesn’t seem very structurally sound. See how these bars wiggle around? What it baby managed to wiggle them enough to get his head stuck between them?”
“Okay, then, what about that one?” She moves away down the row, bending over to look at the bottom of the cribs and once measuring the width between the bars with her hands. “What do you think?”
Before I can answer a sales girl walks over to us and gives a bright smile. “How are we this morning? Did you find something you like?”
“We’re not sure yet, mostly just looking,” Sadie responds.
“Well, do you know if you’re having a boy or girl?” the employee asks.
Sadie rubs at her tiny belly, “Not yet…it’s a little early.”
“Okay. Well, it doesn’t matter. Most of them are unisex. How about this one? It’s our bestseller.”
“Oh, I’m not sure about that one. What do you think, Carter?” Sadie asks me.
I shrug. “It looks okay.”
“It’s not very often that mommy and daddy actually agree on a crib,” the employee laughs.
“Oh, he’s not the father, he’s the uncle,” Sadie says brightly.
“Well aren’t you just the best uncle ever!” Sadie grins at me but I feel like I’ve been knifed in the gut. I turn away from Sadie, wander down an aisle filled with something called diaper genies and bottle warmers.
I try to ignore what Sadie said. I know she didn’t mean just an uncle. Surely she thinks of me as more than just an uncle. But she is right, I’m not the father. I’m a sperm donor. Doesn’t matter how I got her pregnant, I’m still just the donor. Dale is that baby’s father. It’s never going to be mine.
I head to the front of the store and find a bench that seems to have been placed there just for dads to sit on while waiting for the mommies to finish up their shopping. I drop onto the bench and lean my elbows on my knees. I shouldn’t feel this gutted. I’m angry with myself, but what can I do? I can’t change the way I feel. I can’t change that this has become about more than me just helping my brother out.
I need to accept what I am and move on, but how can I when my mind is full of Sadie and the life she’s growing in her belly.
Instead of walking around the store with Sadie and doing daddy things, I stay on the bench and watch the couples walking in and out with their purchases. The women with their bellies on display, happy and proud, and the men, protective, their hands hovering at the women’s backs, and full bags of baby stuff clutched in their fists. But that won’t ever be me.
Uncle Carter. That’s all I can be.