Sadie
Am I seriously hearing this right?
I’m sitting up in bed, facing my husband while he tells me about his plan to get me pregnant. Or rather, for Carter to get me pregnant. I dig my nail into my palm to make sure I’m not still asleep. Nope, wide awake.
“So, what do you think, baby?” Dale asks me his eyes as earnest and bright as I’ve ever seen them.
I blink. Is he actually serious? “I think…I need…I don’t know…” I stutter.
Dale eases onto the bed beside me and wraps his arm gently around my shoulder, pulling me to him. “I know it’s a lot to take in. I get that, Sadie, but will give us what we want, what you want. Just think about it Sadie, a baby, who I’ll share DNA with. He might even look like me.”
“Or she,” I mumble.
“Or she, of course. We talked about adoption but isn’t this better? A donor we know and trust, whose history is shared with us. And he’s agreed to help afterward, too. To be a hands-on type of uncle.” Dale is smiling at me, his voice eager for me to agree to their insane idea. They’ve seriously talked about all this. About Carter being around to change nappies and do the school run! Oh my god.
“I don’t know, Dale. I still feel like I’m half asleep. I can’t really take it in.”
“I know…I felt like that at first when I was just thinking about it, and Carter couldn’t get his head around what I was asking for at first.”
I imagine Carter’s furrowed brow and what he must have thought about. Did he imagine the process? Did he think about his sperm between my legs like I am now?
My pussy clenches and I feel sick to my stomach. I shouldn’t be thinking about Carter that way. Dale shouldn’t be coming up with crazy ideas like this that blur all of our positions with each other. How can he feel okay about this? I’m his wife and he’d be okay with his brother making me pregnant? That isn’t right. If I had a sister and could reverse this situation I would definitely not be okay with it.
I bite at my lip, worrying a piece of skin off it. This is crazy but my hand slips to my stomach and cradles the place where I imagined our child moving and growing. Adoption is such an amazing thing but would it fulfil;l me the way that growing a child would? I don’t know.
If I want to be pregnant I’d have to accept sperm donation as our only option. Would a stranger’s sperm be less wrong than Carters? I mean, they are identical twins – the same DNA, the same flesh and the same blood – but they are still different people.
I really want a baby.
Just thinking those words sends tears prickling behind my eyes.
It’s not like I’d be sleeping with Carter. He’d never even need to touch me. I could just put it out of my mind. Close my eyes and pretend that it’s Dale who’s really putting it inside me.
Dale is quiet. I think he must sense that I’m thinking it through. He’s good like that. Sensitive to me and the way I work.
I turn to Dale and take his hand in mine, searching his face for some sign that he doesn’t want to do this, that it’s just for my sake, for my want of a child, that he’s willing to let his brother’s seed inside me. All I see is love and a desire to make me happy. I see hope. I see excitement.
He really wants this. I know my husband.
Yes, he would do anything for me, but this is something for him too.
This is crazy. Crazy enough that telling anyone what we are doing will be impossible, but crazy enough to work. Maybe. Hopefully.
So I nod. Yes. Yes, I’ll do it, but even as I agree, something uncomfortable settles into my stomach.
Every step we take in our life dictates the direction ware are traveling. So far, each of my steps has taken me forward to a better life. I just hope that this thing that I’m agreeing too and putting so much hope in won’t blow everything I love apart.
--
I don’t see Carter until the next day. He’s up late and Dale has already left for work.
God, it’s awkward.
“Morning,” he says glancing around. The table is set with everything he needs for breakfast so he slides onto a chair and pours himself some granola.
“Morning.” I cringe. He knows I know. I know he knows. So who’s gonna break this deep freeze in here are come out with it? “Did you sleep well?” It’s his first night on home soil so I hope there were no lumps in the mattress or creases in the bedding.
“As good as can be expected, I suppose. My ears are still straining to hear something fucked up. There was a bang in the night and I was on my feet in a second. Guess it’ll take a while to get used to the fact I’m not in constant danger.”
“Shit, Carter,” I say. It hurts my heart to imagine him panicked and delirious like that. And alone.
Dale is the first one that I turn to when I’m going through something bad, and I am for him. Who does Carter have?
“It’s nothing.” He waves my sympathy away as though it’s annoying and unnecessary but I don’t think he really means it. I get the impression he’s gruff on the outside but not half has hard on the inside. I get the feeling he’d be a pussy cat in the arms of the right woman.
I hesitate, my fingers clasping the coffee pot so hard my knuckles are white.
“Dale told me,” I say, facing the window so I don’t need to see his reaction. I can hear that he’s stopped chewing, waiting for what I might say next.
“Yeah,” he says in a drawn out way.
“Are you sure…about what he told me about?” It’s such a huge thing and I need to know that he’s not doing this because he feels pressured. It has to be a gift. He has to be sure.
“Sadie, will you look at me while we have this conversation?”
Oh…I turn even though I don’t want to. My cheeks feel like they are going to combust at any second.
“I’m sure. I wasn’t at first. I thought my brother was crazy for even suggesting such a thing.” His eyes scan me nervously. “But I’d do anything for my brother, Sadie. This isn’t a difficult thing. It’s easy. But I need to know you’re okay with it. I don’t want this to cause any kind of problem between us.”
I blink and fuss with the cuff of my blouse. I don’t know why but I feel exposed, as though private parts of myself are on show to this man who is not my husband. Conception between a couple is such a private thing. It’s never going to be that way for me and Dale.
“I’m…when he first told me I felt like there was no way that we could go through with this. It’s…well, it’s not normal, is it? What will people think of us?”
“People?”
“Yeah…family. People in the town.”
“Nobody has to know, Sadie. As long as the three of us are good with the decision and the outcome, that is all that matters.”
I exhale because I was worried he might want people to know especially his family, but I suppose that Dale is right. “It’s difficult for me to explain how I feel about it. So much about what I thought was going to be real for me and Dale has changed overnight, but then you’ve thrown us this lifeline. You’ve agreed to do something that will make our dreams a reality again.”
“Well, that makes me feel pretty good,” he says, holding his mug out for coffee. “And you don’t have to worry about anything changing. You and Dale are solid. Me and Dale are solid. And we will have time to get to know each other too before any baby comes along.”
Carter smiles. It’s kinda crooked and a little shy and for a second he looks so much like Dale I just can’t get my head around it. It wouldn’t feel weird to slip my arms around him and hug him like I do my husband. He feels familiar as much as he’s a stranger. All of this is messing with my head.
“That’s good,” I say. “That’ll be perfect.”
“Well, then. I guess we got a deal?”
I nod. I think we do.
He nods and gets back to shoveling in his cereal. Damn, he really does eat fast. As he’s chewing the next mouthful, he looks thoughtful. “So, when will you want to get started?”
It would make sense to wait a while, to make sure we’re all really okay with this plan and iron out any feelings and questions that might arise over time, but I’m coming up into fertile time again and my heart skips at the thought that this could be the month.
“Tonight.” I say the word and am shocked at myself. There is such a fierce longing driving me that my sensible thoughts are not in control.
He’s still for a moment and then he nods. “It’s as good a time as any.”
I’m expecting him to make a crass joke about it but he doesn’t. I could stand around here and make small talk but under the circumstances, it just doesn’t seem right.
“I’m going to pop to the store,” I tell him.
“I’ll clean up here when I’m done,” he says.
I like that. I guess I should expect a military guy to be disciplined and capable. “Thanks, that’d be great,” I say.
“Can you pick me up a local paper?” he asks.
“Sure.” I don’t ask why, as I make my way to the hallway to gather my purse and keys.
There are around seven hours for me to kill now until Dale gets home and I tell him that we’re gonna start straight away. I hope he’ll be okay with it. I think he will be. My heart skitters with excitement and my stomach feels a little sick. This is really going to happen. Maybe. Hopefully.
I’m gonna be a momma.
The wave of hope I feel is the scariest sensation of all. In life, the more you hope the bigger the hurt if things don’t work out. Taking a step forward can be scary as hell, but we have to do it because a life without hope is empty.