Sadie
I watch the doctor walk Dale and Carter into the hallway through blurred eyes. All I know is that I want them both back with me. I can’t do this by myself.
The baby isn’t moving and it’s too early to deliver it. Maybe his little lungs won’t be developed enough. Maybe he’ll be too small and catch some kind of bug. I don’t care what the nurses think or what the doctor thinks. Carter and Dale are both the father of this baby and I need them both to help me through it. I shift on the hospital bed the needle in my arm tugging and making me wince.
Sharp pains travel up and down my legs and into my lower belly. I can feel my veins throb with every beat of my heart. Preeclampsia the doctor says. My blood pressure is dangerously high and putting the baby at risk.
I turn my head to look out into the hallway. Dale and Carter are standing with Dr. Bernard. I watch Dale nod and tighten his lips. Carter’s throat bobs as he swallows back whatever it was he wants to say. Finally, the trio turn and came back into the room.
Dale takes my hand, pressing a quick kiss on my forehead. “Doctor explained it all, Sadie. Looks like we’re having a baby today.” He’s trying for cheery and light but he can’t hide the worry in his voice.
“I’m scared,” I whisper.
“I know,” he says and squeezes my shoulder. “But everything is going to be okay.”
Carter stands near the door, his face unsure. I gesture him over and take his hand. “I’m so glad you’re here, Carter.”
“I’m not going anywhere, honey,” he says. His smile is tight and worried, but at least he’s smiling.
The doctors and nurses shuffle Dale and Carter out of the way and fuss over me. There’s a stinging prick when they insert the IV line, and they raise the bed and shuffle me around. Angie explains how the end of the bed drops for delivery and brings me a cup full of ice to munch on.
Dr. Bernard sits by the bed and smiles at me. “We’re going to make this as easy for you as we possibly can. We’ll start the medicine in your IV in a few minutes to begin induction. I don’t think it will be long at all. I’ll be able to go home and catch the game tonight.”
I manage a small smile but it’s hard.
“Now, I need to know what you want to do in terms of medication.”
“What kind of medication,” Carter asks.
“Pain medication.”
“Sadie’s chosen not to have any, doctor. She’s taken natural childbirth classes.” Dale looks across at me to check he’s getting it right and I nod.
“Are you sure? Once you hit a certain point it will be too late no matter how much pain you’re in.” The doctor gives me a knowing look.
I shake my head but Dale steps over to the bed and wraps his hand around my foot. “Are you sure, Sadie. Now, under these circumstances, it might be better.”
“I don’t want it,” I say stubbornly. Dale and Carter both nod towards the doctor and he shrugs.
I spend the next few hours dozing in and out, munching the ice, and being probed and poked by the nurses. Being in a bed that has adjusted my legs and taken the weight off my feet seems to have lessened some of my earlier pain. I’m still a little woozy but definitely better. When I ask if I can have something to eat the nurse gives me a sympathetic smile. “Not yet,” she says, “if you need anesthesia, we need your stomach empty.” She finds me another cup of ice and I take it from her reluctantly.
Soon, I feel the first squeezing ripples of pain across my belly. My gasp has Dale and Carter jumping to their feet and at my bedside.
“Are you okay?” Dale asks anxiously.
“I think the medicine is working. That was most definitely a contraction.”
“You got this, Sadie.” Carter strokes my hair away from my forehead.
Another nurse bustles in and pushes her way around Dale and Carter, checking the beeping monitors stacked around the head of the bed.
“Very nice,” she smiles at me. “How was that contraction?”
“A little…painful.” I’m almost reluctant to admit the pain especially this early on.
“That means they’re working.” The nurse grins at me and pats me briskly on the leg. “Buckle up, they’re going to start coming closer to together and get stronger. We’re monitoring you from the nurses’ station so we’ll be right in if anything seems off. Can I get you anything? That’s not food?”
When she denies food before I even ask I just sigh. “If I can’t have a burger then I guess I’m good for now.”
She laughs and the boys drag their chairs closer to the bed. They let down one side of the rails and lean their elbows onto the mattress. When another contraction ripples across my belly, they each grab my hands.
And that’s how we spend the next few hours. The guys supporting me and me huffing my way through increasingly painful and more frequent contractions. Finally, one of the most painful contractions yet grips my body. I fist the sheets in my hands and twist my body. I’m trying to breathe away the pain in short bursts of air but it’s not working. I can see my belly heaving with the contraction. Carter tries to take my hand and I smack him away because it’s too much.
A nurse rushes into the room and makes clucking, soothing noises. She passes Dale a damp cloth to wipe my forehead and adjusts my hospital gown around me. Dr. Bernard enters filled with cheerful bluster and hooks a rolling stool with his foot. He settles at the end of the bed and pats my foot.
“We’re just going to give you a quick check,” he says. Then my knees are up and the doctor’s cold hands brush along my legs. “Okay, well, I hope you didn’t want the pain medicine because it’s too late for it now.” He lowers my legs as another wave of pain rolls down my belly and leaves me gasping.
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” I grind out between my teeth, “I don’t need it.”
Within minutes the contractions are coming faster and harder, one behind the other, leaving me sweating and breathless. I feel like I’m going to break in half and I’m starting to wish I’d at least considered the pain medication. There’s a flurry of activity suddenly centered around the lower half of my body. Three nurses come in, rolling carts and surgical masks. The doctor is right behind them, his hands held up as he waits for a nurse to help him snap on a pair of gloves.
“Is it time? It’s time, right?” I’m huffing out the words.
“It’s time,” Dr. Bernard smiles at me.
The nurses quickly raise my bed at the head and help me scoot forward. Then, they fold away the bottom half. Sitting half up now, I feel an intense pressure pushing down in my stomach that gets harder every time another contraction ripples through me. The baby’s heartbeat seems to speed up and then slow with each contraction.
“Is everything okay?” I gap.
“It’s fine,” the doctor soothes. We just need to get the baby into your arms as soon as we can.
“Okay, dad,” one of the nurses’ steps over to Dale and gives him a mask and gloves. Then she turns to Carter. “You can wait just outside if you like.”
Carter turns to walk away.
“No. No. He stays.” I pant between waves of pain.
“Really, Sadie honey, I’ll go,” Carter says.
“Stay, please. You can’t miss the birth of your son.”
The entire room stilled, no noise but the steady beep beep of the monitors. I looked up to see pressed lips and raised eyebrows and I don’t care.
My breath is taken by the pains and I gesture to Dale and Carter. They station themselves on either side of me and as soon as the pain lessens a bit, I raised my face for a kiss. From both of them. That sends eyebrows around the room even higher, but no one says anything.
“I love you,” I say. “and I don’t care who knows, okay.”
“Okay, dads,” Dr. Bernard said from between my knees, “sit her up and support her. Sadie, when the next pain comes, I need to you bear down. Okay, do you hear me? Now, Sadie, now. Push, push, push.”
There’s a gush and tearing pain and words flowing around me as I try to listen and push, push, push. I can feel Dale and Carter with me and it gives me strength. Over and over I pant and push and grunt and scream. It burns between my legs so badly that my cry becomes a silent scream, and then, with a last rushing push, the pain recedes.
Then I heard the sweetest sound through all of the fog of labor.
My baby.
He’s crying and I need to hold him. I need to comfort him. Tears spring to my eyes and I feel my arms shaking from the rush of emotion and adrenaline.
I look frantically for him as the doctor passes a purple looking bundle to a nurse. She seems to walk in slow motion and I want to shout at her to hurry but I can’t find the words because the lump in my throat is huge. I see his little, matted head and my hands ache for him.
His hair is the color of Dale and Carter’s.
Then I see his tiny scrunched up fist.
Then the nurse is next to me and my son is placed on my chest.
Nothing has prepared me for this moment. For years I’ve dreamed of having a baby. Conceiving him seemed to take an eon and the nine months I carried him in my belly passed too slowly, but now he’s here it’s almost as though I don’t know what to do with myself. His eyes find mine and he stares at me as I whisper words of love but in my heart, I’m wondering about the future. This child will have so much love but also a lot of complexity. I wrap my hands around the tiny, wet, quivering body and bless his small head with my tears. I kiss his head over and over and tell him how much he is loved.
“I just need him quickly,” a nurse says to me, “I promise, he’ll be back in thirty seconds.” She lifts the baby and cool air rushes over my chest. I watch her, ignoring the other nurses as they clean me and quickly strip me out of my gown and put me into a clean one. The nurse is efficient and quick, weighing the baby, taking his measurements, wrapping him in a little blanket, and popping a tiny, knitted cap onto his head. Then he is back in my arms.
Dale and Carter gather around me and the baby. When I look up I see the tears in both of their eyes.
“You’re amazing,” Dale whispers. “You’re both amazing, you and him. I…” He can’t seem to find the words to finish his sentence and I understand. Some things are just too emotional to verbalize.
I look to Carter who seems to have been rendered mute. “You see him, Carter.” I raise the baby and his eyes fill with tears. “You see how much he looks like his daddies.”
Carter reaches his hand out and touches the baby’s cheek. “I’m his uncle,” he says softly and I shake my head, looking across at Dale. I can’t keep excluding Carter that way…rewriting history. I don’t want things to be that way between us.
Dale puts his hand out and does the same. “He looks just like his daddies,” he says softly. Then he bends to kiss my lips telling me everything I need to know. He’s okay with this. He’s okay with the way I feel about Carter and that I want him to be in our baby’s life as more than just a fun uncle who pops in once a month.
Carter rubs his hand over his face as though the whole situation is too much for him. I’ve never seen him overcome with emotion like this.
The doctor and nurses are at a portable computer cart, heads together, murmuring. Finally, Dr. Bernard breaks away and comes to the side of the bed.
“The baby looks great. A wonderful, healthy boy you’ve got here.
“Thank you, doctor.” Dale reaches out to shake the doctor’s hand and then so does Carter. The doctor beams, despite the unusualness of the situation.
“Well, good luck. I’ll leave you in the capable hands of the nurses.” The doctor pats my leg and leaves the room.
We’ve done it. We’ve made a baby and he’s here and more precious to me than anything else.
I look from Dale to Carter. This feels like a new beginning but I have no idea what is coming next.