Dale
Sadie’s lips are in my hair, on my cheeks, and then on my lips. She holds me close, kissing and hugging and her tears mingle with mine until I don’t know whose are making my lips salty.
“It doesn’t matter, baby, it doesn’t matter,” she murmurs, “I love you.”
I was sure she would want to leave. I hadn’t even been aware of it until now but I had already begun to mentally prepare for her to tell me she was leaving me. I didn’t know until my knees went weak with relief.
Sadie picks up the medical report and looks it over again before crumpling it into a ball and tossing it in the trash. “That doesn’t matter. We matter.”
I half laugh, half sob. “I really want to give you kids, baby. A dozen if you wanted them. Now, I can’t even give you one.”
“It’s okay, Dale. I’ll…we’ll…be fine. Just the two of us.”
Her eyes are sad and defeated but I can tell she doesn’t want to hurt me. I reach for her, pull her into me and wrap my arms tightly around her shoulders.
“Sadie, we can adopt. There’s a program at work through our insurance. I’m not sure exactly what it does but I’ll find out. First thing Monday morning, okay? We’ll adopt two dozen if you want.” I squeeze her tightly.
“That sounds great, baby.” She tilts her head back and plants a light kiss on my chin. “I think I’d like that. Yeah, let’s check into it. I’m not sure about two dozen,” she laughs, “but at least two, I think.”
Her words lighten my heart and my mood. I’ll do whatever it takes to make my Sadie happy.
“This doesn’t change anything, Sadie-kins. We’re going to have kids, someway, somehow. I know it’s what you’ve always wanted.”
“She pulls back, looks up at me with her incredible topaz eyes. I can see the sadness still, no matter how deep she tries to bury it.
“I think, I’m going to take a bath, then a nap,” she says. “Why don’t you and Carter catch up, have a couple of beers, talk more guy stuff. He must be wondering where you went.” She smiles and pecks me on the lips.
I don’t really want to leave her yet but I know my wife. She’s telling me she needs time alone and I get that. It’s a lot to take in. It’ll take time to process things for both of us. These results change so much of what we thought we were going to be doing in our future. She heads to our bathroom and I watch her walk away.
I left Carter in the kitchen but he’s not there when I make it downstairs. I grab a couple of beers from the refrigerator and tap on the door to Carter’s room. When he pulls the door open, I dangle one of the frosty bottles in front of him.
“Now that’s what the fuck I’m talkin’ about,” he grins and grabs the bottle. The top twists off with a hiss and he crams the cap into his pocket and takes a long swig from the amber bottle.
“Come on,” I say, “let’s sit out on the back porch. Have a few of these.”
Dusk is falling, the sky turns violet and the air cools, an easy breeze rustles the leaves. Sadie has put her touch on the back porch, just like she has the rest of the house. It’s cozy, white wicker chairs with bright yellow cushions surround a glass-topped table. Rows of flowerpots overflow with bright green leaves and little purple and white blooms. There’s a shiny barbeque grill Sadie bought me last summer tucked under the eaves.
“Nice,” Carter says, taking another sip of his beer. “You really got it set up, don’t you, bro?”
I gesture towards one of the chairs and ease myself into the other. “I guess. It’s nice enough. Sadie likes it.”
“She’s a sweet gal. I like her.” Carter settles into the chair opposite mine and looks around the backyard. “She got a sister?” He gives me a teasing grin.
“No,” I chuckle, “Sadie’s an only child. No cousins either, sorry.”
We’re silent for a while, watching as the early evening stars wink on just above the horizon. I can hear the sounds of children laughing and shouting as they play a few houses over.
“Yeah, real nice around here,” Carter says again, “Nice family place.”
“That’s why Sadie picked it.” Pain for Sadie fills my heart, clutches at my stomach. I must make some small noise because Carter’s eyes are suddenly trained on me, searching my face through the deepening dusk.
“Everything okay, bro?”
“No. I don’t think they are,” I answer. I don’t want to be the guy who cries, especially in front of his tough-as-nails, battle-hardened, ex-Marine twin brother but I can’t stop the tears that threaten to spill over.
“What’s going on, Dale?” Carter’s face is suddenly so serious. He must really be thinking the worse.
“I had some test results back today. I’m infertile.” Saying it out loud seems to cement the reality of the situation. I feel like I might throw up. I rub my hands quickly across my cheeks. “Sadie’s wanted a baby since we got married. She’s been looking forward to the whole thing. Being pregnant, giving birth, holding the baby for the first time…” my voice trails off. “My chances of being able to give her a child are minuscule.”
“What about fertility treatments?” Carter asks.
“What about them?”
“Y’all never thought about doing that?”
“Of course we have,” I say, “they’re expensive. And invasive. And I don’t think my sperm are even viable enough for that.”
“What about a sperm donor then? At least that way, it’d be Sadie’s. It’s almost like adoption, in a way.” Carter sets his bottle down with a clink. “Hey, you want another? I’ll grab them.”
“Sure, bottom shelf,” I wave towards the kitchen.
I watch Carter walk back inside. I hadn’t even thought about the option of a sperm donor but Carter is right. That would be better than adoption for Sadie. She’d get to carry children, to feel all the things she’s been dreaming about, but it’s weird for me to think about her growing a child for a stranger. I know that it’s not like that. We’d make the decision and maybe chose a donor who’s similar to me.
Could I do that? Let another man’s sperm fertilize my wife. At least with adoption, we are both in the same boat. I didn’t think I was such a territorial kind of person but my wife’s body feels sacred to me. I feel sick with myself for thinking about it but imagining Sadie’s belly rounded with another man’s child…well, it feels like something parasitic. Not something I could love.
Carter’s shadow moves across the window when he opens the door to the fridge.
Carter.
We have the same DNA, we’re identical down to our eye color. The only way to distinguish between us biologically is our fingerprints. I turn my fingers over and rub the tips together, thinking.
I hear the back door shut behind Carter and he nudges me with a cold bottle. I take it, the glass slick and chilly in my hand. Carter settles back into his chair, his legs stretched out in front of him, and sighs contentedly.
We chat but my mind isn’t really there. What started as a seed of an idea is growing, but how do you voice something like this?
“I swear I might as well be talking to myself,” Carter says frowning at me.
“What?”
“I asked you a question.”
“Sorry, I mumble. My mind is all over the place.”
My brother swivels in his chair to face me, leaning forward and resting his forearms on his knees. “Talk to me, Dale. I know I’ve been away for a long time and it’s probably as weird for you as it is for me for us to be in the same place again, but nothing’s changed, brother. Your troubles are mine.”
I shake my head. Fuck. This all feels so personal…something I should keep as just between me and Sadie, but my thoughts are burning. Would he do it? Would he donate sperm so that Sadie can have a child who is practically biologically mine?
“This…it’s just awkward.”
“I know, dude, but we’ve fucked the same girl in the same room before. Talking about your sperm shouldn’t be so much of an issue.”
I snort because I haven’t thought about our dirty past in a long time. When Carter signed up and I met Sadie, all of that slipped away.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said.”
“About a sperm donor?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, it’s not as unusual as it used to be.”
“I know.”
“So what are you thinking?”
I shake my head and he glares at me. “Stop being a pussy and just tell me, okay?”
I pick at the edge of the paper label on my beer. I guess I should just come out with it. He might be weirded out by the suggestion but at least I’ll know one way or the other. “You know that we’re twins…”
It’s Carter’s turn to snort. “Errr…yeah, dude…that bit is pretty burned into my brain.”
I look at him, his face a reflection of my own. “Would you donate sperm for Sadie?”
His eyes widen, and he jolts back into his seat. I’ve shocked him for sure. I put myself in his position. How would I feel if our situations were reversed? I know for sure I’d do anything for my brother. I’d give him a kidney if he needed it. I’d put my own life on the line.
“You serious?” he asks slowly.
I look at him, my brother, the most important person in the world to me before my Sadie came along. There are no two people I love more than them. This is something, if Carter agrees to it, that can finally make Sadie happy. It could remove the sadness from her eyes and make her feel complete. When it comes right down to it, it really is the simplest decision I’ve ever made in my entire life. Any baby of Carter’s would be like my own child. He is me and I am him.
I lean forward, elbows on my knees and look Carter right in the eyes. I want him to see how serious I am about this, how much I want him to say yes.
“Carter, brother, would you please do me the honor of knocking up my wife?”
Then I wait for him to give me an answer which feels like one of the most important of my life.