Carter
Masturbation should be a private thing. Well, at least it shouldn’t be the topic of conversation over breakfast, but I guess I’m not existing in normal times.
The first time was the weirdest. Then I got used to it because they wanted more each day until Sadie had stopped ovulating. I feel like I shouldn’t really know that my sister-in-law has finished ovulating.
I watch Sadie swallow the green sludge that’s supposed to make her uterus a hospitable environment for a fertilized egg. She went out to buy pregnancy tests yesterday. Today’s the day for the test. The air is thick with anticipation and I include myself in that. I want to know as much as Dale and Sadie.
It’s not that I’m worried about my own fertility. Shit, Holly got pregnant the first night we had sex. At sixteen, it wasn’t exactly the news I was hoping for, but I felt awful when she had a miscarriage at six weeks. Neither of us was ready to be parents, but every so often I do think about that child and how old it would be. I wonder if it would have looked like me. I wondered if maybe there was more than one, being a twin myself.
Sadie suddenly grimaces. At first, I think it’s disgust at the shake, but then she holds her hand over her stomach.
“You okay, honey,” Dale asks as he lowers his piece of toast. His face is a mask of concern.
Sadie shakes her head and dashes out of the room, followed by my brother.
The house is quiet, just the tinny click of the sunflower shaped clock in the kitchen and the hum of the air conditioner as it cools the house in the hot Texas sun.
They’re gone a while. I finish up my coffee and take all the finished dishes and cups to the sink. I make the kitchen as tidy as I can, glancing at the clock as I realize that it is past the time that Dale should have left for work. I’m thinking that this isn’t a good sign but I don’t know. Maybe tests take a long time to give a result.
I turn on the little television and watch the morning news. Just as the anchor is finishing up, Dale appears.
His face is gloomy and he shakes his head. “She’s not pregnant,” he says.
“Shit.” I really wanted it to happen for them. I really wanted it to be quick so that we can all focus on the outcome rather than the process, but I guess we’ve got to keep going.
“I’ve gotta go to work. Will you keep an eye on Sadie today?”
I nod. “It’ll happen. It might just need some time.”
Dale runs his hands over his face as though he’s weary with the whole thing. “I know that, and Sadie does too, but every month the disappointment seems to cut her just a little bit deeper. I just wish…”
“You wished for a fairy sperm donor and here I am,” I say, trying to make my brother laugh. I hate to see him so down. “We can do this as many times as we need to.”
Dale shakes his head and chuckles. “You making good friends with your right hand?” he jokes.
And there we are, back on the masturbation conversation. Fuck me.
“Me and my right hand have been best friends since my dick could stand,” I laugh.
Dale looks thoughtful. “You must be thinking about getting out there and finding yourself a girl…after all this time.”
I shrug. “It doesn’t matter. I’ve got plenty of time. I’m in this with you until we get a result, okay.”
He nods and then sighs. “Can you keep an eye on her today? I’m a little worried about her. She was trying not to cry because I know that she doesn’t want to worry me…if I could take the day off, I would.”
“Sure,” I say. “It’s no problem. I’ll give you a call if I need to.”
Dale looks relieved and grabs the cold half-eaten toast he left behind. I’m gonna get going but I’ll call you a bit later.”
When the front door has clicked into the place the house suddenly feels eerily quiet. Dale said he wants me to keep an eye on Sadie but what exactly does that involve. If she’s up there and I’m down here…
…is he expecting me to knock on her door if she doesn’t show?
Do I feel comfortable doing that?
I should do. I’ve been donating sperm so that she can carry a child that is of my blood. We should be on really good friendship terms if nothing else, but I don’t really feel as though I’ve had enough time to get to know Sadie. There’s been so much focus on this pregnancy thing that I haven’t really had a chance to do anything.
I consider waiting for an hour and I head to my room to get things tidy the way I like them. Nothing makes me feel more in control of life than order. I guess that’s the military way that’s been drummed into me. I find the vacuum and duster and make a really good job of it. I’m expecting Sadie to appear eventually but she doesn’t.
I wait another half an hour listening to a local radio station that’s playing some good ol’ country music. I stare at the ceiling trying to imagine how she’s feeling. Women are so much more emotional than men. They feel things deeper. At least that’s my take on it. When the song that I’m listening to finishes and the commercials start, I flick the switch and listen.
The house is silent.
I step outside my door and listen again. I’m hoping to hear the TV or radio or something.
Nothing.
I stride to the kitchen but Sadie isn’t there.
I’m gonna have to brave it and go upstairs. If she doesn’t want to talk to me she can always tell me to go away. At least if I hear her voice I’ll know she’s okay.
I take the stairs slowly, trying not to sound like the herd of elephants that I usually do. The door to the master bedroom is closed.
My knock sounds so loud in the quietness, even though I made an effort not to bang too loudly.
“Yes.” Sadie’s voice doesn’t sound right.
“You okay, Sadie? Dale asked me to check on you…” I lean in towards the door, not wanting to miss what she says in response. I can hear some shuffling, then Sadie opens the door.
Her eyes are ringed red and her face is pale. She has on a chunky cardigan even though it’s a hot day. Everything about her looks small and sad. She clutches the door handle as though she needs the support.
“I’m…” a tear slides down her cheek and without a second thought, I’m pulling her into my arms. Sadie seems to crumble, holding onto my shoulder and burying her face into my chest. A sob racks her tiny frame and I rest my hand on her back and make a shushing noise. I’m running on instinct here.
“Don’t cry, honey,” I murmur. It’s instinct for me to lower my face, but when I press a kiss on the top of her head I feel like I might have overstepped. She smells like summer jasmine and I breathe her in. It’s been such a long time since I held a woman in my arms and it hits me just how much I missed it. Sadie feels right in my arms but that doesn’t feel right in my heart.
“I feel like such a failure,” she whispers. “Why can’t I do this, Carter?”
“Hey…don’t say that, Sadie. It’ll happen. It might just take some time.”
She sobs again, clutching my shirt in her hands. “I don’t think I can keep doing this. I don’t think I can stand the disappointment.”
I take hold of her face gently and tip it up so I can see her eyes. “You can do this, Sadie. You and Dale. You just need to be patient.”
She shakes her head. “What about you? You’re not going to want to hang around doing this indefinitely.”
I search her face. Is that what she’s worried about? That my offer had an expiry date. “I’ll be here for as long as it takes, Sadie. You don’t gotta worry about that.”
She blinks and starts to pull back, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. She takes a deep breath and exhales it slowly as though she’s trying to gain some composure. “Don’t you think this is crazy, Carter? What are we doing? It isn’t right, is it?”
I’m kinda stunned because I had no idea that Sadie had doubts, especially not now we’ve been trying for a month. “The thing I’ve learned about life, Sadie, is that nothing is straightforward. When we’re kids, we imagine this perfect existence, filled with all the things our little lives can dream about. Then we hit adulthood and it isn’t that way at all.”
She nods but still looks conflicted.
“And I guess what I think is that this might feel crazy, but why does it? Because society tells us that things have to be black and white and any shades of gray are wrong? Because you wouldn’t be able to explain it at the store without people judging? What do you care about those people? You want to live your life for them? You want to give up your dreams for them?”
Sadie shakes her head.
“So, we live with a little crazy. And you guys get what you want in the end.”
She wipes her face again with the cuff of her cardigan and looks at me with her sad eyes. “And what about you, Carter. What do you get?”
I shrug. “I get to see you guys happy.”
“And what about you? Your child is going to be here with us, and you’re gonna end up living somewhere else with someone else, with other children. I don’t know…the more I think of the future the more it just doesn’t feel right.”
I’m not an emotional guy but I get a lump in my throat right there. Sadie’s tearing herself apart because she’s worried for me. That I’ll feel excluded and won’t be able to have the kind of relationship with my child that I should. Dale landed on his feet with this woman, but I don’t know what to tell her. I’ll do anything for my brother, but what she describes doesn’t feel right to me either.
What we’re doing might be crazy, but what are the other options? Adoption? Maybe it’d be cleaner. Find a child who needs a home and be the one to give it one. Sperm donor? I don’t like that. I can’t imagine not knowing who my real father is. Every time you look in the mirror, you’ll see a face and not know what parts of it came from him. No. Better that they know their daddy.
Better they know that I’m their uncle and Dale’s their daddy.
“I can live with that, Sadie. Can you?”
She shifts from foot to foot as though even the thought is making her physically uncomfortable. “I don’t know, Carter. I don’t want to lie to my child. I don’t want there to be such a bit secret lurking behind the happiness, you know.”
I get that. Lies have a way of festering and the rearing their ugly heads to create a million times the drama that just telling the truth would have caused.
“So we don’t lie. We tell the truth.”
“But won’t they want to know you more. Won’t they want to grow up with you here too.”
I rub my hand over my face. When I thought about coming up here to check on Sadie, I didn’t think that I was going to get into such a deep and meaningful conversation. I was worried about having to deal with tears. Now, tears seem like the easy way out.
“I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”
She scans my face, blinking away fresh tears that have formed. Her sadness seeps inside me; a sensation that I’m not used to. Where I’ve come from, empathy can be a dangerous thing. I’ve gotten used to holding my emotions behind a strong layer of reserve, but I can’t be like that here. Sadie needs a warm shoulder to cry on and I promised Dale that I’d look out for her.
“You need to focus on you, for now, Sadie. You need to focus on keeping yourself healthy and positive so that we have the best chance of making a baby.”
Her cheeks pink and she looks away. Damn. I didn’t mean to embarrass her.
“We’ll try again as soon as you’re ready, honey.”
Sadie doesn’t say or do anything and time ticks past. I don’t know what she’s going to say. She might want a baby but does she want it enough to accept these circumstances.
A soft strand of hair falls across her forehead and she brushes it away. In the end, she simple nods. We stare at each other for a few seconds. Maybe she’s expecting me to say something but there’s nothing else to say now. My heart skitters as an image of her lying back on the bed, filled with my semen passes through my mind. I’ve tried not to think about it. I’ve tried to push away any thoughts of what happens once I hand Dale the glass jar, but it’s getting harder to do.
I’d never do anything to hurt my brother, but I don’t seem to have as much control over my mind as I do over my actions.
I take a step back, needing to put some physical distance between me and Sadie so I can better clear my head. She must take it as the end of our conversation because she tugs her cardigan closer and goes back into her marital bedroom, slowly closing the door behind her.