22.
Isla
So. I’d had sex. I was no longer a virgin.
It had been good, better than I ever thought sex with someone could’ve been, and to spend the whole day having more mind-blowing sex was a bonus. Still, I felt a little strange about the whole thing, especially because I was supposed to be hooking up with Levi out of revenge.
“Is everything okay with you?” Levi asked. “You seem a little . . . I don’t know. Like everything isn’t okay.”
“I’m fine,” I said. “There’s just been a lot of changes lately. Things that I wasn’t expecting. I mean, if you’d told me two weeks ago that I’d be here, on some island off the coast of Spain, with you, I would not have believed it if my life depended on it. I also wouldn’t have believed for a second that I’d be inheriting more money than I will ever know what to do with.” I took a deep breath. “And there’s another thing.” I paused, and he looked at me, waiting for me to speak.
“I’m a virgin,” I said. “Well, I was.”
He laughed. “Yeah, right.”
“No, I really was.”
“So you’re telling me
that I’m the first person you’ve had sex with?”
“That’s what I’m telling you.”
His grin widened. “So you
were saving yourself for me?”
I could tell from the glint in his eyes that he was joking, kind of. “That
wasn’t exactly my line of thinking,” I said. “Actually, you weren’t a factor in
it at all. It’s just how it worked out.”
“Wow. I’m honored, then. Truly.”
“And it’s not like I haven’t done other things with guys, you know, there’s been plenty of times that I’ve—”
“It’s okay, I don’t need details,” he interrupted. “I believe you. But you’re right—there’s been a lot of changes, and it can take some time to get used to, even if the changes are good. I think that’s a pretty normal reaction. Want to know one of the best ways I’ve found to get used to changes?”
“What’s that?”
He reached over to his bedside table and pulled open the little drawer. He felt
around and then pulled his hand out, holding a tiny little black lacquered
case, no bigger than a mini Altoids container. He popped the top and took
something out. It was a capsule, filled with white powder. There was something
printed on the capsule; I picked it up and held it up to the light. A gold
cursive L.
“What the hell is this?” I asked.
“It’s called Lush. Ever
heard of it?”
“No.” I put it back in the box.
“Would you like to try
it?”
I raised an eyebrow. I had never even smoked pot before. “What is it?”
“It’s nothing crazy, I promise. It’s a pleasing combination of Molly and
cocaine. It’ll give you all the good feels with no drowsiness or any harsh
comedown.”
“I take it you’ve tried
these before.”
“I have. Just for fun, though. I don’t have a drug problem or anything like
that.”
I felt as though I were back in high school, being peer pressured into doing something, even though I’d never been offered drugs in high school. Who’s to say I wouldn’t have tried them if I had, but everyone just seemed to assume that I was the sort of person who would turn my nose up at that sort of thing. Who wouldn’t be interested in it, who would be too afraid to try it, who would be too much of a goody-two-shoes. I wasn’t that girl, though. I took the pill back out.
“You promise this isn’t going to make me do something stupid?” I said. “I don’t want to be standing on the roof of some building, thinking I can fly.”
“I promise,” he said. “I’ll take care of you. We’ll just go to Pure, where you’ll be amongst friends, and it will be the most beautiful time you have ever had. I promise.”
I eyed the pill in the palm of my hand. “Are you going to take one?”
He plucked one out of the container, snapped the lid back on, and popped the pill in his mouth. He swallowed without chasing it with water.
“There,” he said. “Your turn.”
“I need some water. It’s going to end up getting stuck in my throat if I don’t have a drink with it.”
I went into the kitchen and got a glass of water. I could feel my pulse beating in my ears, my heart rate accelerating. I didn’t want to feel nervous, but I did, all the same. What if I ended up being one of those people who was allergic to drugs and died the second they went into my system? Or what if I just had a completely unexpected reaction and did something stupid? I could go back out there and tell him that I didn’t want to take it. He would understand. But we were going to a club tonight, and I didn’t want it to be like the other night. I didn’t want to be standing there, feeling self-conscious, unable to really let go, the way everyone else around me was. I wanted to feel the music, the way Levi described. I wanted to be able to dance and not feel as though everyone was watching me, thinking that I looked like an idiot.
I didn’t feel any different, though, not as I got changed, not when we left the house, not when we arrived at the club, a different place than the one we’d previously gone to. I sighed. Maybe it had been foolish to be afraid of having a bad reaction—apparently I was someone who was going to have no reaction.
The music was loud and had the same pounding bass, like a heartbeat. I thought about what Shana had said, it being primordial, like we’re back in the womb or something. And then Levi grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the dance floor, and I went, because it felt good to move my body, and though I was pretty sure I had never heard the song playing before, it was like I recognized it somehow. I started to move to the music, not really thinking about it, just doing it, and it felt really fucking good. Like this was exactly what I was supposed to be doing. It felt like I’d found a groove, that I was completely synced, not just with the song, but with everyone around me, Levi especially. I started to laugh as we danced, and I realized how good I felt. My whole body was buzzing with pleasure. It was as though I was acutely aware of every single cell in my body, the way the air felt on my skin, the heat in the room, Levi’s touch when he grabbed me and spun me around. There was also an intense love for everyone around me. I had no clue who these people were, yet I loved every single one of them. I especially loved this music, because it was so perfect, exactly the right thing to be listening to. No, not just listening to, really feeling. Embodying. It felt so good.
I didn’t know how long we danced for, but Levi finally pulled me over to the bar and got me a glass of water, which he instructed me to drink. I started to say I wasn’t thirsty, but once the liquid touched my lips, I realized that I was very thirsty and I downed the whole thing. “That tastes amazing!” I shouted.
He grinned and kissed my forehead, then ran his fingers lightly up my forearm. I shivered.
“Holy shit that feels good.”
“You having fun?” he asked.
“I’m having the best time! I never want to leave this place!”
“Well, we’re going to have to soon, but not tonight.”
“We should stay here
forever! I want to go back out and dance!”
“Atta girl!” he said. He grabbed my hand. “Come on; let’s go.”