15.
Graham
In high school, I’d been friends with this kid named Kurt Steadman. We played in a punk-rock band together and had grand plans about all the great shit we were going to do once we were free from that prison otherwise known as high school.
We both came from shitty families; Kurt didn’t have an asshole stepfather like I did—his real father could make Wade look like Mary Poppins. Kurt’s father was not a bad guy, until he got drunk, which he did most nights, and then all hell would break loose. Kurt and I had a lot in common.
We were both very dedicated to our band, and even when Kurt started dating Trisha Norris, we still practiced several times a week and played shows whenever we could. I’d assumed things would just continue like this until we were done with school and then we’d hit the road and find great fame and fortune with our band.
But Trisha had started to lose interest in Kurt, a fact he’d taken badly. Even when she’d broken up with him officially, he couldn’t accept it. I’d tried to keep him distracted with band stuff, tried to get him interested in other girls, even stole some beers and a fifth of Jack from Wade one night and we’d hung out drinking at one of the parks. Kurt had seemed like he was actually enjoying himself, but once the alcohol was gone, he got the bright idea to get into his car and drive to Trisha’s.
He had told me he was going home, though, and foolishly, I’d believed him. I never would have let him leave had I known, or at least that’s what I told myself later. Her parents weren’t home, but she was, and she had a guy over, someone we went to school with, though we weren’t really friends. His name was Simon. Kurt dragged him out the front door and started punching him. His rage, fueled by the alcohol I’d supplied him, had him worked into a frenzy. Simon didn’t die, but he almost did, and he spent a long time in the hospital, first in the ICU, later in rehab. He’d suffered a traumatic brain injury and was never the same. Kurt was found guilty of aggravated assault and sentenced to twelve years in prison.
I’d always felt guilty for the role I played in it—maybe there was a chance that it never would’ve happened if he hadn’t been drinking. Kurt never blamed me, and during his trial, he apologized to Simon and said he didn’t know what had overcome him.
I wasn’t like Kurt, I knew that. Yet, when Chloe came marching down to the shop and wanted to know why I hadn’t texted her, I couldn’t tell her it was because I’d seen her with that guy. I would never do what Kurt had done, but even admitting that seeing her out with another guy bothered me felt like it was starting down that path. Up until Kurt had met Trisha, he had never struck me as the jealous type. It just seemed like it was an easy trap to fall into, sometimes without even realizing that it had happened.
And then we’d gone out and had a great day together, and the obvious way to end it would’ve been with a kiss. Which I didn’t do, even though I wanted to and knew it would’ve been oh-so-easy. I mean, was there a point to denying myself this? And not just myself—I knew that she had been waiting for me to initiate it, and was probably wondering why the hell I had just stood there. Was I taking this whole thing too far? Or was this just a test of willpower?
The sound of the cowbells clanking to herald in the opening of the door managed to jerk me out of my thoughts. I expected a customer and started to intone a greeting before it registered with me who it was.
“Oh,” I said. “Hi, Mom.”
My mother rarely ever made an appearance at the shop, so it always caught me a little off-guard whenever she paraded through the door. I wondered what exactly it was she was going to want from me this time.
“You sound surprised to see me. Or were you expecting someone else?”
“No, I was just thinking about something, that’s all. Well, and I guess a little surprised to see you. You don’t usually stop by.”
“I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d swing by and pay my son a visit. That’s allowed, isn’t it?”
“Sure.”
“How’s business?” she asked.
“Things are fine.”
“Seems quiet.”
“I had a few people in earlier. Things have been plenty busy.”
“Glad to hear it.” She had a lighthearted look on her face and when she smiled, I could tell she was a little bit tipsy. Not too bad off, more like she’d just had a few drinks and was feeling good. “I’ve been thinking about what you said, about taking a break from dating and whatnot. Remember when you told me that? My car had died?”
“Yes, I remember. I also remember you giving me a whole load of shit over it.”
“Right. And that’s what I’m here to talk to you about. I’ve been thinking about it, and while I think that you should be out there, you know, meeting your future wife and getting ready to make me a grandmother, I do want to be supportive of you. I’m proud of the things you’ve done so far, and I don’t want you to feel like I just give you a hard time.”
I stood there, waiting for the catch. There had to be one; no way in hell she just came down here to tell me that.
But she didn’t say anything else, and that was when she would’ve asked me for another loan or a ride somewhere.
“Well, thanks,” I said. “I appreciate you coming down here to tell me that. I’ve actually got to take care of a few things before Helena gets here and then I’m leaving early.”
“Oh? Where are you going?”
“Dentist,” I lied. She didn’t need to know I was going to help Chloe with her project.
My mother gave me a big smile. “You’ve always had good teeth. You can thank me for that.”
*****
The people at the art center seemed a bit friendlier after I’d gone there a few times; one of the older women even asked me what discipline it was that I focused on.
“Tattoos, mostly,” I said.
“I see,” she said,
nodding. “I’m most interested in oil painting. I heard you’re working with
Chloe Singer?”
“I’m helping her out.” I wondered who she had “heard” this from. “She’s got a
show coming up at the end of the summer.”
The woman nodded. “I’ll also have a piece in it. Claudia’s summer exhibition is quite renowned, you know.”
“I didn’t.”
“Well, you do now. It’s an honor to have a piece shown in her gallery. Chloe is very lucky.”
“Chloe’s very talented,” I said. “And it sounds like anyone who has a piece in her show is very lucky.” I gave her a pointed look. Holy fuck I hated that pretentious shit. The woman didn’t need to say that she thought Chloe didn’t belong in the show, that she somehow hadn’t earned the right; the expression on her face said it all.
Luckily, Chloe showed up then, saving me from having to continue this conversation. The lady I’d been talking to smiled sweetly at her, of course, as though they were best friends or something. Chloe seemed distracted, though, and just hurried down the hallway to her studio.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
She was taking out the sketches we’d been working on; pages and pages of doodles and drawings. She spread them out on the table.
“It’s fine,” she said. “I just ... help me go through these.”
“Sure.” We sat down next to each other and began leafing through the papers. Some were half-finished doodles, others were actually complete, but none of them seemed fully satisfactory to Chloe.
“These are good,” she
said, “but nothing is exactly right.” She ran a hand through her hair. “And
time is ticking, and I’m starting to feel stressed. It’s already mid-July and I
haven’t even started yet!”
“Maybe you’re overthinking it,” I said.
“What do you mean? If I don’t think about it, nothing’s going to happen. I can’t just get some clay and start without some idea in mind of what the outcome is going to be!”
“I know.” I touched her arm because I could hear a frantic note in her voice. “I’m not saying that you need to go into it blind. But I think maybe you’re overthinking it, and putting too much pressure on yourself to come up with the perfect idea.”
“But I want it to be perfect.”
“I know. And I think whatever you end up deciding on will be as perfect as you can get it. But you’ve got to let yourself get started on something, because if you don’t, you’re not going to do anything. You’re just going to let that fear paralyze you.”
I knew exactly what she was feeling; there’d been plenty of times when a customer had asked for a custom piece, something big, usually, and they’d given me the details, but often it came with a fair amount of leeway, and I could clearly recall how overwhelming it felt to sit in front of a blank page, wanting to get it perfect, but being too afraid to start.
She took a deep breath. “You’re right,” she said. Without even realizing it, I’d started rubbing her forearm. She looked down and I stopped. “You don’t have to stop,” she said. “That felt good.”
“You’re strong,” I said, feeling the supple muscle in her forearm.
A few tendrils of her hair had worked their way loose from her ponytail. I brushed them back from her forehead. It hadn’t felt like either of us had moved, but it seemed that we were suddenly closer, barely any distance between our bodies. The air felt thick, charged. Our eyes met.
If I didn’t want this to go any further; I needed to stop this, now. Just pull my hand away, pull my gaze away, get back to working on figuring out what she was going to do for her sculpture. But I didn’t want to stop; in fact, I very much wanted to see where this would go. We’d come so close to kissing the other day but hadn’t—and I only realized after how foolish that had been. Who gave a flying fuck if I didn’t stick to my original plan? It wasn’t like I’d taken an oath or something.
So, I did it. I leaned in and kissed her, and when my mouth met hers, she made a little surprised sound, almost like a squeak, but then she was kissing me back. She kissed me back softly at first, almost questioningly, but then she got bolder, pressing her mouth firmly against my own. Damn, she felt good.
She had a sheepish smile on her face when we pulled away, her eyes half-closed.
“I never know what to say after,” she said.
I leaned back in and kissed her once. “You don’t to have to say anything,” I said. “You can just start doing this again.”
Her smile widened. “Okay,” she said.