29.
Levi
Fuckin Alfie. He was persistent, I had to give him that much. He called me a day after he’d stopped by when Isla and I had been out at the pool, as though talking to me about it over the phone might have more impact than talking about it in person. It was surprising, actually, that he was making it this hard for me to extricate myself from the situation. I had truly thought he’d be psyched to get to take the whole operation over himself.
I thought about telling Isla about it, after he left that day, but I decided not to. I wasn’t sure how she’d react. It was one thing to take a Lush and have fun for a night; it was completely different to be dealing it.
I was also getting annoyed because this place was supposed to be a respite for Isla and me, a place to come to so we could get away from all the other bullshit, not have more bullshit to deal with.
I was still lounging around in bed while Isla got dressed. She was going to go out for a run, which meant, at the present anyway, she had far more motivation than I could ever hope of having.
“You’re so motivated,” I
said. “Are you sure you don’t just want to stay here? We could go for a swim.
Or have sex. Or both, at the same time. That’s cardio.”
Isla smiled. “That’s very tempting,” she said. “But not quite the same as
running.”
“No, you’re right—my idea is way better. Better for your knees, too.”
“I won’t be gone all day. We can do something when I get back.”
I stayed in bed a little while longer after she was gone, but then I got up. I had to take a piss. After that, I went out to the kitchen to make some coffee and heat up a few of the leftover pastries. I burned my hand taking the cheese Danish out of toaster, but these things were damn good (even one-day old) so it was worth it. I was carrying the plate and my coffee mug out to the terrace when I heard the key turn in the lock, right as I was registering the fact that Isla didn’t have a key for the villa. Before the thought could go any further, though, the door swung open.
It was Ella.
“Ella!” I said. I stopped and put the coffee and pastry down on the coffee table. “Ella,” I said again. She had on an impossibly short pair of denim cutoffs and a tight white tank top. No bra. She was also pulling a little Louis Vuitton suitcase behind her. “What are you doing here?”
“You told me you were going to be out here,” she said, giving me a little pout. “What you didn’t do was invite me out with you, but I took the initiative, and here I am. Oh, I’ve missed this place!” She dropped her suitcase and took a deep breath and then walked out to the terrace, turning in a circle.
“Err . . .” I looked toward the door, which she’d left open. How long had Isla been gone for? A little while at least, so that meant she could be back at any time. “Now’s really not a good time . . .” I followed her out onto the terrace.
“What are you talking about? Now’s not a good time? We’re both here, aren’t we? When was the last time we slept together, anyway, Levi? I think this has been the longest we’ve ever gone.”
“I’m not sure how long it’s been,” I said. “But listen, maybe you should—”
“The only thing either one of us should do is this.” She stepped forward and pulled me toward her, pressing her lips against mine. Both familiar and exciting, of course, yet all I could think of was: If this were a movie, when we pull apart, Isla will be standing there. I didn’t want to hurt Ella’s feelings; we had history, and I’d consider her a friend even if we weren’t going to add the “with benefits” at the end of it anymore. I kissed her back, if only for old time’s sake.
“What the hell?”
And there it was. I jumped back from Ella, and there was Isla, standing there
in the living room, looking out at us on the terrace. I had to laugh because
hadn’t I just been thinking this exact thing might happen?
“Shit,” I said. “This
isn’t what it looks like.”
They both looked at me, eyes piercing.
“It isn’t?” Isla said.
Ella raised an eyebrow. “Oh, really?” she said to me.
I had wanted to be more diplomatic about things, had figured that I could have a talk with Ella at some point, though there had been a part of me that wondered if even having a talk was necessary—maybe we’d just both sort of go our own separate ways. It’s not like there would be any shortage of guys for her.
“Isla—” I started to say, but she turned and fumed out, slamming the door behind her.
Ella was looking at me.
“You came out here with her?” she
said. “With your stepsister? Are you fucking your stepsister?”
“She’s not my stepsister,” I said.
Ella snorted. “She was.”
“So what? She was my stepsister for like five years. Not even. And we were
teenagers; it’s not like we grew up together or anything.”
“I can’t believe it. So she’s staying here with you? That’s why you didn’t
invite me?”
“Yes,” I said. “That’s why I didn’t invite you. And . . . and I don’t think
that you and I should sleep together anymore.”
Ella’s jaw dropped. “What?”
“I want to see where this goes,” I said, “with Isla, and it’s not going to go
anywhere if we’re still doing this whole friends with benefits thing.”
“So you want her to be your girlfriend?” She stared at me incredulously.
“Yeah,” I said. “I do.”
Ella stood there, not saying anything for several seconds. She blinked a few times and then I realized she was trying not to cry.
“Oh, Ella,” I said. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m really not.”
“You never wanted me to be your girlfriend,” she said, wiping at her eyes. “I can’t believe this. I always assumed that we’d just end up . . . I don’t know, getting married eventually. You’re my soulmate, Levi. And now you’re telling me that you don’t want to see me anymore.”
“What?” I said, not
knowing what she was telling me was the actual truth or just something she was
saying to make me feel bad. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the fact that you and I always end up back together. Yeah,
we go out and sleep with other people, and we’re not all attached at the hip
the way some couples are, but I always thought that meant that we’d end up
together, because we always came back to each other. I thought you felt that
way, too.”
I bit my lip and tried to think of the right thing to say, the thing that would be honest but not hurtful. Unfortunately, at least in this case anyway, the two appeared to be mutually exclusive.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “You know that you mean a lot to me and you always have. But I thought what we were doing—what we’ve been doing all these years—was for fun. I just assumed you felt the same way.”
“I see,” she said. And then she burst into tears.
I’d never seen Ella cry before, and I just stood there, feeling a little horrified. I had not, in a million years, expected a reaction like that.
“I feel like such an idiot,” she said between sobs. Her head was down, her hand covering her face. I went over and hugged her.
“You’re not an idiot,” I
said. “Please don’t feel bad. I guess this was something we should have talked
about. I thought you felt the way I did; you thought I felt the way you did.” I
pulled back a little and tried to look at her, but she was still covering her
face. “That’s kind of funny, isn’t it?”
“What, that I thought you felt the same way about me that I did for you? That I
thought you loved me?”
“Ella—”
“You actually did tell me that, you know. You did.” She shrugged my arms off of her and finally looked at me, her face tear-streaked, her eyes red. “Right here in Ibiza, actually. Don’t you remember? We were lying in that hammock, and you were running your fingers up and down my arm, like this.” She grazed her fingertips lightly up my arm. “And you said, ‘There is no place I would rather be, and there is no other person I’d rather be with. I love you.’ You said those exact words.”
I had; it was true. Well, I couldn’t be sure if I’d said those exact words, but I knew I had told her I loved her. But I couldn’t tell her the other truth of it—we’d been on Lush and I loved everyone when I was on that stuff. And the thing was, I did love Ella, but I wasn’t in love with her—not that I was about to hit her with that cliché. That wouldn’t go over well at all.
“Ella . . .” I let my voice trail off. I didn’t know what to say.
“I can’t believe you’re out here with her. Really, Levi? You want to be out here with Isla instead of me? This really isn’t some sort of cruel joke you’ve thought up? Because that’s really what it seems like.”
“Yes,” I said. “I mean, no. This isn’t a cruel joke. This wasn’t something I planned, Ella. It wasn’t. I’m not trying to purposefully hurt you. I really thought that you’d be okay with it.”
She looked at me in disbelief. “You thought I would be fine with you being out here with some other girl like this? I don’t get why the fuck you would think I’d be okay with this.”
“Because me being with other people before never seemed to bother you!” I’d slept with dozens of girls that weren’t Ella, and it had never been an issue. I’d even told her about a few of them. She had never reacted like this.
“I really can’t believe you’re going to make me spell this out for you,” she said.
“I guess I am, because I don’t get what the hell the problem is!”
“I didn’t have a problem before because I always knew you liked me best. I always knew that whoever you ended up with, it was just a fling, it didn’t mean anything. It was just a good feeling. Same with all the guys that I’ve slept with. It was just sex, nothing else. I’d choose you over any of them in a heartbeat.” She wiped at her eyes. “You really don’t feel the same way about me? If Isla wasn’t here and I showed up, we’d probably be fucking right now.”
“I don’t know.”
“You do know. You know we would be. But now I guess you’ve replaced me. With your stepsister, who used to be an overweight cow, might I remind you.”
“That was a long time ago. Things change. People change. It happens.”
“I never thought it would change between us, though. I really thought you felt the same way.”
“You keep saying that. And I’ll keep saying that I had no idea that you felt like that. I wouldn’t try to lead you on, if I had known.”
“Lead me on? Did I just hear you correctly? Because to lead someone on, that would mean you didn’t have feelings for me to begin with. Is that what you’re trying to say? Because that is an outright lie if that’s case.”
She looked pissed now, and I knew I needed to tread carefully if I was going to be able to both truthfully explain this while not hurting her feelings any more than I already had.
“Of course I have
feelings for you,” I said. “Of course I enjoyed every single time we were
together. I more than enjoyed it. But I thought what we were doing was for fun.
No strings attached. Friends with benefits.”
“I’m familiar with all the terms,” she snapped.
“That’s what I thought this was. We both just wanted to have a good time.” I held my hands up. “I’m sorry, Ella. I don’t know what else to say.”
She stared at me for several long seconds, her face going through a series of contortions that I hoped would end with a smile, even if it was a sad one. We could hug and say it had all been a big misunderstanding, and that there were no hard feelings. I’d go out and find Isla, explain the whole thing to her, and we could get on with our day. Everything could go back to the way it was just half an hour ago.
But Ella’s expression never even got close to a smile. It ended up something more of a sneer as she pushed past me. She stomped inside and grabbed her suitcase, but not before swiping her arm over the coffee table, knocking my coffee and plate to the floor, where both shattered.
“Fuck you, Levi,” she said. She slammed the door, and I just stood there, wishing I had never gotten out of bed in the first place.