Sixteen
When I woke up, I was alone, and glad of that fact. Only a thin shaft of light shone through the window to illuminate the dust motes floating in the air. I stared at the ceiling gathering my courage. My hand drifted down my belly. Flat again.
I squeezed my eyes closed at the emptiness that filled me. I hated the E’mani so much. I lifted up the covers and glanced down at my body. Looking now, I couldn’t even tell I’d been pregnant. My stomach was taut.
Prior to pregnancy I had a diamond shaped mark around my belly button. When I became pregnant it grew to an octahedron, two diamonds overlapping each other, their colors and lines interwoven with my stomach as its canvas. Now it was a diamond again. That probably meant something. I rubbed at the skin with tears burning in my eyes.
The rest of my marks, the bands at my wrists, my shoulders, they all appeared the same. I brushed away the tracks on my cheeks and wiped my nose. Best not to think on that.
I focused instead on the dream. I barely remembered the details. I’d been wearing the E’mani uniform of dark gray, the shivat. My hair was straight and my posture whipped.
I’d helped them in the labs. I’d guessed that, but I hadn’t realized I wasn’t the only one there. I sensed someone come up behind me at the end. There were others like me. My assignment was the DNA mapping. It was long tedious work the E’mani eagerly pawned off on their drones. That is what I had been to them, a drone. That is what everyone was to them.
I stood up with care. No swaying this time. I wanted to know what Marin planned. He couldn’t put off going after the E’mani any longer. That was obvious. I dressed, feeling a twinge in my abdominal muscles.
The trek downstairs took a few minutes. No one was about when I wandered onto the landing. Breakfast was spread out on the table. There were presents lined up to the side of the meeting rooms. Gifts for the mating and for the baby. We would have to return them now.
My eyes watered and I rubbed them impatiently. God, everything reminded me of Hope. And I needed to focus, not break down. I needed to find Marin.
I grabbed a jacket and walked out into the gardens to my thinking spot. There was still a light dusting of snow here and there, but new blooms sprouted in patches, and green had reestablished itself throughout the area. The ground squished under my feet, the air cool on my swollen eyes. I took in a deep breath, and that is when I saw the grave. My steps faltered.
A single stone rose from the ground near the bench with one word engraved on the surface. Hope. I stumbled and fell to my knees. I didn’t get to bury her. No. It wasn’t fair.
A sob slipped out, then another until I was bawling like a child. Hope’s face flashed through my mind, her happy smile. God damn the E’mani. Tears streamed down my cheeks until there was nothing left. Hollowed out, I sat on the bench and let the cold dry my face. It didn’t take Marin long to find me.
He sat down next to me and pulled me against his side. “There you are. I was worried.” His voice changed, deepened. “Did you see?”
I nodded against his chest. “I love it. It’s the perfect place.”
Marin knew to put her in my favorite place, where she could play with the butterflies, where we shared our first kiss. “This way, she will always be close.”
My hands formed a fist in his shirt. “I tried looking for you.”
“I was meeting with the clan leaders.”
“How did the meeting go?”
“As well as can be expected. Everyone is eager for vengeance, but our plans remain the same.”
My stomach dropped and my mouth opened. I shoved him away. “What do you mean, the plans remain the same?” The words came out harsh.
He leaned back. “I means exactly what I said. We cannot afford to travel right now. There is still snow on the ground. The way will be too treacherous. We would lose too many on the journey. We will keep to the original plan. Late spring, early summer, we will head back home. A small contingent, those we all agreed on. About a fourth of us, I think. It will be slow, but we should make it there by mid-summer.”
“But… they attacked us. We can’t stay here and wait for them to show up so we can act. We have to head to Industry now. They won’t expect it. We will be close to their home then. There is something important there. I know it.” I poked him in the chest.
Marin grabbed my hands. “They did not attack us. They attacked you.”
Oh.
My chest ached. This time I was the one leaning back. I chose my next words carefully, my eyes not meeting his. “So the attack doesn’t matter.”
He grabbed my shoulders and shook me. “You know that is not what I am saying.” His breath rushed out in frustration and his voice rose. “You know that is not what I meant. I meant they are not attacking us here. The attack on you was a single occurrence. They do not suspect anything, so there is no reason to change our plans.”
I shrugged his hands away and stood. “No reason except our child. Or maybe you don’t care about that? Maybe it doesn’t matter to you.”
Marin cut me off, standing himself and getting in my face. “Do not dare. It does not matter who fathered the baby. It was my child. I would have loved the baby no matter what. I have the capacity to love, not just hate, which seems to be all you are capable of feeling right now.”
I flinched and shoved him away.
He flew backward a few feet and then in a blink was in front of me again, gathering me close. “I ... I did not mean that. I am sorry.”
“Tell me one thing, Marin, if I asked you to go to Industry with me, would you?” My eyes drifted to his collar, I straightened it, my fingers sliding along his skin.
“You mean today, soon?” His hands tightened on my waist.
“Yes, I have to go to Industry. Since I’ve been sick, all my dreams are of the E’mani and Hope. I need to go. Will you go with me?”
Marin took a deep breath. “It is not that simple. We need to prepare, plan…”
I stalked back toward my bedroom. “It never is.”
“Elizabeth,” he called out behind me in a weary tone but he didn’t follow me. Smart man.
I stayed in my room for dinner. Jace brought me up a tray. Marin knocked, but I didn’t answer. I wedged the chair under the door just as a precaution and lay down.
A slam startled me awake.
I glanced askance at the door as Marin’s voice drifted to me. “This is stupid, Elizabeth, we need to talk. You cannot hide from me in there.”
He’d said that once before. He really didn’t know me if he thought that. I knew he couldn’t sit outside my door all day. He was Clan Chief after all. I’d wait him out.
I didn’t answer, letting my silence speak for itself. The bed beckoned me back. He pounded a few minutes more, then all was quiet, and I could sleep again.
The DNA sequence was easy to extract. The tissue samples, as well. The body didn’t need to survive the extraction process. In fact, they expected him not to survive to the next day. I took spinal fluid samples, a brain biopsy. Lung, heart, liver, gut, muscle, testes samples were all next. Remember, thoroughness in all things. Patient 539421 died soon after the heart biopsy and I stopped.
His irises were completely white, typical of the E’mani. He had sores around his mouth and dried blood. Dilated vessels spread across his distended abdomen, the palms of his hands red, and testicles shrunken. I expected that last of an E’mani. Those freaks. His skin yellowed while I watched.
I woke with a gasp. What did that? Why was this what I remembered, how did this help me? One sick E’mani. At least now I knew they were not immune to everything though they tried. And this dream disturbed me less than the prior ones. There was no emotion. It was like watching TV. Maybe I was numb. I expected more pain and torture in my memories but what I got was a lab.
I woke up near Midday, the clan leaders’ daily get together to discuss strategy. Arguments filtered up from downstairs. I risked discovery and bolted down to the kitchen while Marin was distracted with politics and grabbed a sandwich, some fruits, dried meat and bread to hoard upstairs. I managed the stairs right as the meeting let out. I could practically feel Marin on my heels right after I got into my room, dropped my goods on the bed and barred the door. Spot on thirty seconds later, I heard a tap.
“Please, Elizabeth.” Something thumped against the door then I heard something scrape down the wood. I put my hand on the surface. The wind shivered through the room.
“Do not shut me out. I need you.” I heard Marin’s voice in my head and in my heart, but I couldn’t answer. I went back to sleep instead.
My dreams were the key, the answer to the E’mani. I needed to remember. And this time, I wouldn’t forget, a litany that should be emblazoned across my grave. I closed my eyes desperate to dream, but nothing came to me overnight except for screams. Not mine, this time. Others. Many others and not just E’mani. Wings. I wasn’t alone in those labs.
In the morning, Marin tried again. He persisted in whispering at me with the wind. Little grumbles, various I love you’s, and come take care of your damn cat. I’d forgotten about George. I was sure that Marin had someone taking care of him though. It was kind of his thing. I kept sleeping.
The next day, at Midday, I snuck out to get a bath and signaled guards to clean my rooms. It was getting a bit rank in there and my skin was sticky. There was shouting as usual from the gathering, but I had no desire to join in. Nothing that had happened had changed anything. I was tired, and I couldn’t face anyone right now. I was too hurt, angry, whatever. The pond at the back of the house was my mecca. I wanted to see again. See my baby one more time. See what I needed to do. The future, the past, anything to help guide me. There was a natural rock ledge that edged the pond. I perched on the shelf, my legs trembling. It was taking much longer for me to recover than I was used to.
George scampered up to the water’s edge and played in the current. I used the soap and floated in the water, asking what I needed to do, asking to see my baby.
Let me see.
This time there was no answer, but at least I smelled better. After I got out, I raced upstairs, George hot on my heels. As promised, they’d cleaned the poop of out the place and the bedroom no longer reeked like an ogre’s den. George jumped onto the bed. I’d barely managed to close and bar the door when a thump sounded outside.
“This is ridiculous,” Marin steamed. He slammed his hand against the door again. “I am going to come in there and we are going to talk. This is unacceptable. You are my mate. Talk to me.” The wood cracked under another blow.
My palm hit the door right back. “Not today, please. Please. I just want to sleep a bit.”
His sigh drifted to me. “Tomorrow, promise me tomorrow. I cannot stand being apart from you. We never sleep separate. This is killing me. We fight, we storm, we rage at each other, but we always sleep together, stand together. You are breaking the rules.”
“I promise, tomorrow.” My forehead touched the wood. George’s head butted my ankle where he weaved around my feet. I leaned down and picked him up.
“Tomorrow.”
But we wouldn’t talk tomorrow. Marin didn’t talk. He dictated. He already said they weren’t changing their plans and I couldn’t wait any longer. There was only one chance left to me. I buried my face in George’s fur.
Marin would have to forgive me.
That night, I snuck out of the house and scurried to section two. I deliberately took a circuitous route through the forest that would be hard to follow and and I brought George for cover.
Finn lounged on his porch, drinking, his feet propped on the rail. No matter what the man, what the time, what the place, guys would always find a way to make an alcoholic beverage. I think it was some sort of universal law.
As soon as he saw me, his feet hit the wood. Finn tipped his bottle at me.
I collapsed on his steps, still weak. “I want to go to Industry.” George sat at my feet and rested his head on my toes.
Finn tilted his head and let his eyes drift down my body while taking a long, slow pull of his drink. He got up and sat down next to me on the step.
I wasn’t sure he didn’t hate me given his expression but I accepted that. I deserved it even. I didn’t keep my baby safe. But he hated the E’mani more, and I knew that too. Worse, he hated the inaction of the Fost. I could use that to my advantage.
“You are in no shape right now. You would never make it,” he replied shortly, the bottle hanging between his hands.
“I heal quick and I hate enough to persevere.”
His jaw tightened. “As do I.”
“You know the way, right? You said you’d worked out the routes?” I leaned against the railing of his porch, looking out on Groos.
“I know the way. Marin wished to wait till spring or summer. He wants to gather supplies. We were putting the journey off till you gave birth as well last I heard.” He took a sip as he gazed at the lake near his home. The wind was silent. I heard the croaking of what could have been frogs, but who knew here.
My mouth twisted, my hand drifted along my flat stomach. “You know that is not an issue anymore.”
His knuckles whitened around the bottle and he peered at me. He brought his arm up and around me and pulled me close to his side. His cheek brushed my hair. “I am so sorry, Beta.”
From his tone, he’d tried to see me after everything happened. We were still friends but with our history, Marin would never have let him get close. Not then.
My breath shuddered out. “It was a little girl. The baby, I mean.”
Finn’s jaw clenched harder. The bottle cracked in his hand and he put it on the rail, shaking off the liquid.
I wiped at my nose. “When I was drifting in and out, I saw her. God, she was so beautiful.”
A raw sound escaped him. He dug his hand into my knee.
I closed my eyes and continued. “Her name was going to be Hope. She had my blue eyes, black hair, and the cutest little nose. She was beautiful and they took her from me, from us. I have to fight them. I have to do something.” I turned and gripped his arms. “Please.”
Finn leaned his forehead against mine. “What does Marin think of your plan?”
I closed my eyes. “He doesn’t know. He won’t move. He wants me to rest, heal, and have another baby. I think he might be relieved because he would have wondered if the baby was yours, or his.” Why did I say that? Did I believe that? It was unfair, but I couldn’t help wondering. And that set Finn off.
“The baby was mine,” Finn said with a shake. “He has not let me see you or her. The baby was mine, and I was to be allowed no part of her life. He had guards keeping me away.” His voice cracked. “I would have come to you, helped you.”
“You can help me now. Take me to Industry.” I gripped his biceps. “Please.”
“Does this mean you are done with Marin?” Speculation colored his voice. He stared at my face. He brought the back of his fingers up to trail down my cheek.
Huh. I blinked and turned away. “No, I fully expect him to come after me. This will force him into action. Isn’t that what you want?”
“I want you.”
My heart thumped and I closed my eyes. Why now? I leaned my head hard into the railing next to me. “You don’t want me. You want a child. I’m not having any more children until the E’mani are dead. They would never let me reproduce.”
A slow grin slipped across Finn’s face. “The journey is long. I think I can wear you down.”
“You can try. I’m pretty stubborn.”
“That is true.”
He stood up and walked inside, leaving the door open.