Chapter 9
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Tessa
I brush through my hair in front of the dingy motel mirror. I changed my outfit at least eight times before deciding on my favorite boots, faded blue jeans, and a flowy purple top.
“You look fine, and if you keep brushing your hair it’s going to fall right out of your head, now can I please take a piss?” Chase whines from the other side of the door.
I storm out of the bathroom and he mutters something about “females” as he rushes past. I rub my thumb back and forth across the crown around my neck and pace the small room.
“I cannot believe you said we would go to this dinner. This is going to be a disaster, Chase, a fucking disaster. I had a plan you know? I was going to fix things by making amends one person at a time, and within mere fucking seconds you’ve landed me in a room with everyone I’ve fucked over. Will that be awkward? Nahhh, it will be just swell!” I scream toward the bathroom where the door opens and a grinning Chase stalks out.
“See? I knew you would come around, kiddo.” He ruffles my hair and I squat down to reach for my boot. “No. Bad Reaper! Put the knife back right now,” he scolds, and with an aggravated exhale, I drop my hand away from my boot and flop back onto one of the twin beds.
“I hate everything about you,” I spit.
He jumps onto the bed next to me, the force of his giant form throws me up and I catch a few inches of air. I burst into laughter at the smug grin he wears while lying on his side with his head propped up by one hand.
“Speaking of disasters. Are you gonna tell me what happened between you and Beth in that hospital room?” I grin over at him.
“I gave her a little taste of the Chase baby. Just watch, she’s gonna be begging me for more.” He winks, and I make a gagging sound in my throat.
“First off, I will one hundred percent stab you if you start referring to yourself in the third person. Secondly, if you hurt her, I will—again—stab you. Basically, you’re gonna end up being stabbed, and I don’t see any way around it.” I throw my hands up in mock apology.
“Your stabbing threats are getting old, Reap, lets come up with some new material shall we? Besides, you have nothing to worry about. Honestly, the last thing I want to do is hurt her, it’s just a little fun. . .”
I shake my head at that. With all his playboy tendencies, I know Beth has always held a special place in his heart. There’s no way a “little fun” won’t end in a total train wreck for both of them, but he’s a big boy, and will have to learn the hard way.
His fingers snap in my line of vision. “Now, are you ready? ‘Cause it’s time.” His encouraging smile does nothing to calm the jitters in my stomach.
“No. I don’t think I can do this, just tell them I’m sick.” I fake cough into a pillow and make my eyes large and woeful.
“Buck up, the Blackwells were nothing but good to the both of us and we owe them at least this much.”
I let out a frustrated wail. He’s right, so I allow him to drag me up off the bed.
When we pull up to the Blackwells, I can’t stop myself from looking first to my childhood home. Like an infection on the neighborhood, it’s the darkest, filthiest house as far as the eye can see. The plants in the front yard are long dead, shards of glass glint in the grass, and every dirty window is covered in ominous dark.
There’s not a single sign of life.
If a house could be evil, this one would hold the title. From the large window that looks into the living room, a curtain rustles and my stomach clenches. She could be there now, watching me. A shiver runs down my spine and I force my thoughts to return to the reason I’m here.
I have enough on my plate. That’s a problem for another day.
Liquid sloshes in the bottle that I hand Mrs. Blackwell. After accepting the red wine graciously, we’re both ushered to the living room with drinks as final dinner preparations are made. I down my wine, swap glasses with Chase, and finish his off as I hear someone come down the stairs. While a scowling Chase heads back for another drink, I find myself once more, face-to-face with Andrew Blackwell.
As he drops to the last step, his eyes widen in confusion. I’m clearly the last person he expected to see in the living room of his parents’ house. It dawns on me that nobody told Andrew we were invited to dinner. Why else would he be here?
Called it, a fucking disaster.
His eyes glaze over as he inhales. Without a word, he stiffly turns to head back upstairs.
“Stop. Just wait.” I reach for his arm without thinking, drawing it back just before I make physical contact. Whipping around to face me there’s a sliver of space between us.
I catch a whiff of the whiskey on his breath. “What?” he sneers.
He’s so close that I can see the anger rippling through his features. As if it’s not just an emotion, but a living, breathing entity clinging to him.
I thought I got rid of my demons, but maybe. . . I transferred them.
“Please, don’t go. This is your family, and I didn’t realize you weren’t told about us being invited, just stay, I’ll go.” Backing away, I snatch my purse from the couch and attempt to walk past him. His hand wraps around my wrist to stop me. His fingers linger against my skin, longer than necessary, and my heart stutters with foolish hope.
“You don’t. . . you don’t have to go.” He closes his eyes for a few seconds. His mouth moves slightly. If I didn’t know better, I’d assume he was counting. When his eyes reopen, he continues, “We would love to have you both for dinner. Please, sit down and I’ll refill your glass.” He gives me a forced smile and turns abruptly to the kitchen.
Chase was wrong. I can’t fucking handle this. After a mild exchange of words, I’m a trembling mess, barely keeping it together. I now have my proof. The contempt in his eyes screams his hatred for me. I’m imposing, unwanted, and I can’t be here for one more second. As I make a move to grab my leather jacket and get the hell out of dodge, I’m assaulted by a blonde bombshell in heels.
“You made it.” Blossom grins as she hugs me. Inching my way out of her grasp, I return her smile, trying desperately to recall Chase’s words of wisdom.
I need to do this, they deserve that much.
I need to do this.
I return her smile, hoping it doesn’t look as fraudulent as it feels. “Of course. Although, someone should have told your brother. He doesn’t seem too thrilled about us being here.” I narrow my eyes at her in suspicion.
“Oh, oops. Must have forgotten. He’ll get over it.” She smiles wickedly, and I can’t help but laugh at the blatant attempt to manipulate her brother. I have to admit, it’s nice to know some things haven’t changed. “Enough about Mr. Grumpy Gills. I just found out I was accepted to an internship with a Portland fashion magazine. They aren’t super prestigious, and my god they love their hippy clothes, but it’s a start.” Her eyes shine with pride, and I’m overcome with a rush of emotions. Excited for her success, but disappointed I missed the journey that got her to this point. I wasn’t there to encourage designs for her portfolios, or help with late night studying.
I’ve missed so much and now it’s too late.
I squeeze her with a hug and swallow my selfish thoughts. “I’m so proud of you, Blossom, that’s amazing.”
“Honestly, I love fashion, but there’s still a small part of me that wants to do something more meaningful with my life. Who knows, maybe someday I’ll have my own magazine and can throw fancy charity balls.” She looks thoughtful before shaking her head with a laugh. “Anywho, a few of my college friends are taking me out to celebrate next week. We’re going to drink and dance the night away. I was hoping you would join us.” Her eyes flick away for a second, but not before I see the doubt in them.
She thinks I’m going to say no.
I answer without hesitation, “I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Plus, I could do to let off a little steam if I’m honest.”
T-Minus way too many fucking hours since I’ve had some tequila.
“Really?” Her smile could light up a dark room. “Yay. Okay, here let me put my number in your phone so I can text you the details. After snatching the phone out of my back pocket, Blossom sends herself a text message before handing it back to me.
“Dinner is ready,” Andrew informs us. He doesn’t meet my gaze as he hands me a glass of wine. I follow the twins into the dining room. Glancing over, I watch as Mrs. Blackwell hugs a tearful Chase who seems to be having a touching moment. I roll my eyes and glare at him, jealous at how easily he’s earned back her affection.
I take my place at the dinner table and glance around the room. Mr. Blackwell is at the head of the table to my left, and Andrew is at the antique bar pouring himself a small glass of dark liquid. After smelling the evidence on his breath, I know this isn’t his first dip into the whiskey bottle. Marybeth moves to his side. Her lips move, but I can’t hear a word of what she tells him. I suppose Blossom finally mastered the art of whispering.
Andrew’s green eyes blaze with fury. When he speaks, the entire room hears his scathing response, “I don’t remember asking your opinion. Get off my back.”
My eyebrows knit in confusion. I know I’ve been away for a long time, and still, I can’t help being alarmed by his transformation. Where’s the kind boy with the gentle demeanor and carefree grin? A cold shell of a man now stands in his place, callous and dismissive.
You killed that boy, Reaper. You did this.
Monsters beget monsters.
“Marybeth, hunny, did you get that big project submitted that you were worried about?” Mrs. Blackwell asks as she passes a bowl of rice to Andrew.
“Barely, thankfully Drew brought my laptop to the hospital so I could upload it just before the deadline.”
Dinner smells amazing and tastes even better. Small talk around the table is casual, and slowly, I start to relax. Beth and Mrs. Blackwell ask me basic questions about living in the city, and about my job. Chase and Mr. Blackwell get into a heated debate about the best football teams. It all feels so normal that for the next thirty minutes, I’m able to let my guard down and enjoy the company.
When an uncomfortable silence falls over us, I swear I feel Andrew’s eyes boring into the side of my head. Rather than meeting his spiteful gaze, I turn to Mrs. Blackwell. “Are you still teaching kindergarten?”
She lights up. “Actually, last year I switched to third grade and I love it. I have some cheeky little boys in there, but my goodness they are so bright at that age.”
I open my mouth to ask a follow up question and avoid another awkward lull when Chase speaks up. “Alright, ladies and gents, visiting hours are over soon. I’m going to head to the hospital and visit with Ma. Dinner was absolutely wonderful, thank you so much for the invitation, Mr. and Mrs. Blackwell.” Chase smiles graciously as he pushes away from the table.
“Chase,” I warn between gritted teeth.
No. No way is he is about to abandon me.
“Oh. . . that’s right, I hear they have Uber out here now, Tess, so no need to rush on my account.” He gives me a sly grin and I restrain myself from lunging across the table at him.
Mrs. Blackwell waves him off. “Oh nonsense, we can take her home. You get on over there and make sure to tell Sam and his lovely new bride hello from us. There is a to-go container on the counter in the kitchen, be sure to take some to Mrs. Masters. The food there is dreadful.”
Not having the balls to meet my furious gaze, Chase makes his cowardly exit to the other room. From beside me, I notice the subtle change in Beth’s posture as she slumps into her seat. I’m not the only person unhappy about him taking off.
After Chase leaves, I contemplate all the excuses I could use to follow suit without sounding rude. I inwardly groan when Mrs. Blackwell brings out pie for dessert. Keeping my manners in check, I dish out a small slice and refrain myself from bolting to the door. Happy chatter strikes back up around me as I dig my fork into the pie and plot ways to enact revenge on Chase.
I raise a slice of pie to my mouth when Andrew’s voice rings out from the opposite end of the table.
“So why did you leave?”
You could hear a pin drop as the room goes silent. Gradually, I set my fork back on the plate and look over. I drag my eyes to his, and by the frantic look on his face, I realize he’s just as surprised by his outburst as everyone else. Rather than backpedal, he takes another drink of liquid courage and glares at me.
Mr. Blackwell attempts a rescue. “Son, maybe this isn’t the best time. . .” I glance over to him appreciatively.
“What? Everyone’s thinking it, I’m just asking it. We can pretend we’re all chummy here, or you can give us an explanation.” He holds out his hands in a mocking manner.
I take a deep breath, willing my voice to be steady. “I wish I had the kind of explanation you’re looking for. There’s no good reason for what I did. I was scared as hell and thought it was my only option at the time.”
He barks out a humorless laugh. “You were scared? Are you serious?”
“Yes.” I drop my voice to a desperate whisper, “Can we please not do this here?”
You knew this was coming, just fucking weather it. Keep it together Tessa.
Hunching over his plate, he tilts his head to observe me with hazy eyes “No t—time like the present. So let’s get the story straight, shall we? You left because you were scared. Guess what, that’s not good enough. I need more than that, Tessa. Don’t you think I, we, deserve the g—goddamn truth at the very least?” His fist comes down hard on the table, rattling silverware and sending a fresh wave of anguish to my core.
He may be a little drunk, but that doesn’t mean the words coming out of his mouth are any less true. Whatever inner power that was keeping my self-control afloat, capsizes like a wrecked ship.
“Fine,” I snap. “You want to know the whole truth? Think back to that night before the dance. You were hell bent on getting me out of Oasis after I warned you about Ace and his threats, but you brushed it off, and I was high on freedom. Then we had this. . . this perfect night at the fling, until Bailey told me you went into the woods. I knew in that moment, something bad had happened. I ran until I found you on the ground shaking, seizing, foam coming out of your mouth and the b—blood was everywhere again. . .” My stomach churns as I replay the events of that night.
“I needed you, and you left,” he bellows, saliva spitting out with each word.
I hang my head in disgust. “I know. I—I broke you, and it was all my fault. You were lying there, all t—the blood. I broke you and I promised, I promised I would never do anything to hurt you again, but I’m fucking cursed and it happened anyway. I couldn’t face your family. I sure as fuck couldn’t face you. I was so ashamed, Andrew. I know you can never forgive me, but I am so sorry.” I swipe away a tear, ashamed that I crumbled so easily.
He deserves to scream at you, fucking control yourself.
Beth grabs my trembling hand from beneath the table and rubs her thumb back and forth across my knuckles to comfort me.
“Drew please. . .” she begs softly, but he doesn’t pay her any attention.
Instead, he croaks out my name. “Tessa. . .” Swallowing hard I lift my head to meet his cold gaze. “You should have never come back.” His clipped words slice through me.
You should have never come back.
“Excuse me, I. . . I need to use the restroom.” Without so much as an apologetic glance to Mr. or Mrs. Blackwell, I shove away from the table and flee upstairs.
This was a horrible mistake. How idiotic to think he would ever be able to forgive me.
Not tomorrow, not a year from now, he will go on hating you forever.
Wanting to put as much distance between us as possible, I head toward the second floor bathroom. Adrenaline spiking through me as I take the steps two at a time. My haggard breathing fills the air, but it’s not until I reach my old room that I slow down. Without thinking, I push open the door and look inside. Even doused in shadows, I know the room looks just as I left it four years ago.
What the hell?
Flipping on the light, I take a step into the frozen past. I make my way to the bookshelf where I stroke the spine of each book; a film of dust transfers to my fingertips. I don’t have the energy to try to understand what this all means. With the little strength I have left, I crumple onto my old bed and curl into a tight ball.
If it had been anyone else in the world, I would have laughed outright in their face, but Andrew? Each word was a knife carving out chunks of my soul. I sat there, and for the first time in god knows how long, I reverted into my cowering eight-year-old self.
I’ve pushed it down for so long, but the truth is, I’m so fucking ashamed. Ashamed that I left him and that I ran away. The humiliation and disgust bubbles to the surface in muffled sobs. The bedroom door creaks open, and the mattress sinks as someone takes a seat next to me. Even in my state of disorientation, I have a good idea of who it is.
“Beth, please, I just need a minute okay?” I close my swollen eyes tighter, willing her to leave me alone. Willing myself to disappear.
“I told Mary-Elizabeth to stay downstairs. I think we need to have a little chat.” From where I lie, I look up into Mrs. Blackwell’s hardened features. With a shaky breath, I brace myself to hear her true thoughts. I knew confronting the Blackwells would hurt like a bitch, but part of me is glad it’s happening all at once.
Rip it off fast like a Band-Aid and let me crawl away to lick my wounds.
Her voice is firm, yet gentle, “Did you think, young lady, that I didn’t know you would disappear on us at some point?”
I sit up and wonder if I look as confused as I feel. “What?”
“From the moment you stepped into this house, there was a certain look about you. Like a rabbit being chased by a coyote. You were on the run from your demons before your feet could catch up to you, child.” She wipes away my remaining tears and gives me a sad smile. “Did I wish you had said goodbye? Of course. Was I worried sick? Absolutely. But just like the twins, you have a special place in my heart, a true mother’s love. Now this may be a foreign concept to you, and for that I truly apologize, but, Tessa, my love is unconditional. You can upset me, turn a few of my hairs gray, and I will still be here when you need me.”
My body sags into her open arms. “I’m so sorry, Mrs. Blackwell. I was so scared, I couldn’t believe I hurt him again. I was so ashamed.”
Her arms give me a loving squeeze. “Hush now. You didn’t hurt him as a child, and frankly you didn’t hurt him four years ago, except his feelings by running away. You’ve been the product of unfortunate circumstances my dear, but it was not you who harmed my little boy. The quicker you learn that, the better off you’re going to be.” Releasing me, she brushes a strand of hair out of my eyes and stands up, taking my hands into hers. “Somewhere along the way, Andrew lost the sweet boy inside him. I don’t know if you hold any faith, few could blame you for not, but I think God brought you back here when he needed it most. Who better to bring warmth to his soul than the little girl who first taught him love and kindness, hmm? Promise you won’t give up on my boy?”
In what world am I a light in the darkness?
Her words leave me reeling, and it takes me a few seconds to find my voice, “I won’t.” I say what she needs to hear, because I owe it to her, but there’s not a bone in my body that believes I could ever make a difference.
I’m not a fixer. I’m a destroyer.
“Good, that’s good.” With a thoughtful nod she chooses to believe me. After making her way to the door she hesitates, turning back to face me. “So did you do it?”
I tilt my head, and she lets out a chuckle. “Did you find yourself, did you heal?”
I sigh. “Yes, I think so, but there was always something. . . missing,” I confess.
Mrs. Blackwell smiles. “I see. It’s a good thing you came back, isn’t it?” Not waiting for a response, she waves her arms around the bedroom. “Now, as you can see, nothing was moved, just as I haven’t touched the twins’ rooms since they started college. Someday you kids won’t need me anymore, and best believe I’ll have the most glorious craft rooms you’ve ever seen, but not yet, and not today. So, if you find yourself needing a place to stay, this never stopped being your home.”
Blinking back tears, I spring off the bed and wrap my arms around her for a tight hug while inhaling the scent of perfume and cinnamon. She laughs and returns the embrace.
Once she’s gone, I take a few seconds to collect myself, then I head downstairs. Head high, shoulders back. I’m going to say my goodbyes and make my escape. Once I’m free, I’ll call for an Uber, then I’ll call Chase so I can rip him a new one.
Rounding the corner to the dining room, a voice calls out from behind me, “Ready, kiddo?” My boots squeak to a stop. Clyde Blackwell stands in front of me, keys in hand, pointing toward the garage door. Looks like this night isn’t quite over. With a quick hug and a promise to text Blossom, I follow him out the door.
After I give him directions, he grunts a response and I’m blessed with a silent ride. I’m counting my lucky stars that he’s not big on talking, until we pull up to the motel and he turns to me.
You think I would learn after shoving my foot in my mouth so many times today.
“Thought maybe you could use some peace and quiet after that eventful dinner.”
“I think I needed it. I appreciate it. Oh, and thank you for the ride.” I place my hand on the handle, but freeze when he continues, “I’m not one for speeches, but I need you to know that Andrew only speaks for Andrew. My wife and I were sad to see you go, and we’re thrilled to have you back. I considered you a part of the family the moment she took you under her wing. I made sure that shit bag club owner got life behind bars, not just for what he did—but so it would be safe for you to come home.” I blink in surprise. “Now there’s a reason he’s fussing about, he doesn’t understand it yet, but he cares for you and he’s letting his foolish pride get in the way. Don’t take what he says to heart, and don’t forget you are always welcome at the Blackwells.”
I nod, not trusting myself to speak without blubbering.
Being a man of few words himself, he nods in understanding, and with a wink, bids me good night.