Chapter 39
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Tessa
I wake with a start, my heart racing as images of reapers and chains dance through my head. Feeling as though the walls themselves are starting to close in on me, I jump out of bed and throw a hoodie over my tank top, and slide into thick sweatpants. I step into tennis shoes, grab the keys to Sparkles, and slip out of the suffocating room.
Once I’m outside, the weight on my chest begins to alleviate. Ever since I was released from the hospital, I get a tightness in my chest when I’m inside for too long. I yearn for fresh air on my skin, to be able to look up and see the sky stretch out above me. It doesn’t help I was questioned by the police yesterday and had to relive bits and pieces of my captivity.
Claustrophobia is a fun new Tessa feature I’ll be dealing with for the foreseeable future.
Once I’m in the Prius, with my hands on the steering wheel, I allow myself to smile, something I haven’t done much of since I was released from the hospital three days ago.
I asked for space. For time to process the horrors I experienced, and to come to terms with the new addition to my womb. With sadness in their eyes, they all agreed—even Andrew—to give me as much time as I needed.
After being separated from him for so long, I know it came as a blow to hear me say those words, and although I wanted to take them back as soon as I had said them, I knew I couldn’t.
I have some serious shit to figure out, and it’s something I have to do alone. What could I do? How do you explain there are voices in your head, without sounding insane? One voice babbles nonsense, and makes me want to rock back and forth on the floor. One is childish, and hopeful for the future. The third is darker, whispering for me to continue on my path of vengeance, to not stop until I’ve eliminated everyone who has ever done me wrong.
That voice scares me the most.
Every time I close my eyes, I see myself standing on a beam, teetering on the edge. One false step, and I’ll lose my footing and stumble into the choppy waters below. I know I should understand what it all means, but the fact I don’t, only serves to frustrate me.
I pull into an empty dirt lot, shut off the engine, and step out of the car. I walk along the beaten dirt path until I reach the rocky beach of Lake Iris. The dark waters are still in the calm night, and the sight alone is a soothing balm to my chaotic mind. The old pier creaks and moans with each step, but I push forward past flickering lamps until I can go no further.
I stoop down to take a seat and let my feet hang over the edge. A splash comes from my right where a trout slaps onto the surface and disappears.
This spot was always one of my favorites as a teenager. Before I had Blossom or Andrew, I would come here just to get away from the judgmental gazes of the town. Being one of the smaller lakes near town, with no fancy shops to bring in visitors, it has always been a peaceful place to think. Leaning over, I look into the lake and imagine slipping into the depths of the freezing water.
Would I be able to breathe?
Would I be alone?
Would I find an old treasure chest on the sandy bottom?
“Going for a swim?”
So wrapped up in my thoughts, I don’t hear someone come up from behind.
“How did you know I was here, Blossom?” I can’t keep the irritation out of my voice.
“Mom called and told me you took off.”
“Nosy Blackwells,” I mutter under my breath.
“She’s just worried about you, we all are. You got kidnapped by your psycho mom and held prisoner for months, while pregnant, burned your house down in an escape, then went into a catatonic state. Now, we finally have you back and we’re banished away. Seriously not cool.” Her feelings are hurt. No matter what I do, it always seems like I’m hurting someone.
“I’m sorry. I know how worried you were, and the lengths you guys went to, to get me back. I’m not trying to be an asshole, I just. . . So much has happened, and I don’t know which way is up. I go to sleep thinking about what happened, what I did. And if that isn’t enough, I wake up and remember a fetus took up a room in my uterus.” I tug on the ends my hair and take a deep breath.
“Do you want to talk about what happened?”
She’s asking for me, but by the way her eyes slide away, I understand that she doesn’t really want to know. She’s never experienced true evil, and I hope she never will.
These nightmares are my burden and mine alone.
“No, not really. Maybe someday, I will see a shrink or whatever, but I just want it to be over. If I’m thinking or talking about it, it’s like I’m still there, living it.”
A look of relief washes over her features. “I can understand that, but. . . do you think hiding away and wallowing in misery alone is going to fix anything?” she asks softly.
“I don’t know how to face any of you. I went on a murderous rampage and almost got Chase killed. Every time I look into Andrew’s eyes, I can see his worry, his unspoken excitement about the baby, and I . . . I am freaking the fuck out.” The last words come out in a croak.
She quiets for a minute, continuing when my frantic heartbeat has calmed. “Can I tell you a secret, Tessa?” I look over at her curiously. “Every single one of us are glad they are dead.”
“I am a murderer, Marybeth, this isn’t some game.”
“No, it’s not a game. But they were monsters, and the world is a better place without them. Do we think less of you for what you did? Hell no. We fucking love you so much, and all that matters is that you made it out of the place in one piece. You have got to stop pushing us away because you’re afraid.”
She’s right, I am afraid. In fact, I’m fucking terrified.
“Am. . . Am I a bad person, Blossom?” I ask tearfully. I’m on the edge of falling apart, her words striking too much truth in my heart.
Her small arms wrap around me. She lays her head on my shoulder and looks across the water with me. “No, but it doesn’t matter what I say, does it? You’re going to feel what you choose to feel. I can’t pretend to understand. Let’s be honest, my life has been a cake walk compared to yours—but that’s the point, isn’t it? Our circumstances mold us, break us, push us. Even after the hell those two put you through, you only truly lashed out when they backed you into a corner. You’re a good person who has done bad things for the sake of self-preservation. Do you know what that makes you, Tessa?”
I shake my head, silent tears rolling down my face.
“It makes you human. So, you have a choice. Let your circumstance define you or come out on the other side even stronger. You have to make peace with the broken parts of you, understand that they make you a little different. They make you a survivor.”
Forgotten words from another lifetime tumble into my mind, clear as day.
“The old castle is gone, but our kingdom stands strong. It lies within you and all the lives you’ve touched. You gripped this crown for comfort over the years, thinking somehow it was me protecting you. The truth is, you’ve always drawn that strength from yourself. So tap into that now, choose to rebuild. Choose to keep fighting. Choose to forgive. Forgive yourself and love yourself, Tessa Kinsley.”
I grip the crown and let out a choked laugh.
How did I forget?
There’s only one way to make these voices go away. I have to forgive myself and finally embrace all the jagged pieces that make me who I am.
I let out a laugh, feeling as light as a feather. “I think you might have found your true calling.”
She nudges me lightly. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m serious, you should be helping people figure their shit out or whatever.”
“What like a shrink or a counselor?” she asks skeptically.
“Exactly like that. I can’t believe I never thought of this before. Blossom, I think it’s what you are made to do. Even when we were just kids, you were guiding me, helping me see that the world didn’t have to be such a dark and lonely place, that everything would be okay.”
“I did ace my psych classes, and I loved my work mentoring at the Boys and Girls Club. Tessa . . . I could help kids who were just like you. Maybe even work at a high school, and. . .” She talks about her plans in high speed, and although I half listen, I can’t help but focus more on the way her face lights up in a way I’ve never seen before. “I can totally still do my internship while I take online classes and figure out my next career step. Tessa, you’re a freaking genius.”
I smile, her joy as infectious as ever. Who knew the people I was hiding away from, were exactly the cure I needed? I snicker at my own question. Probably everyone but me.
“You ready to come home, all the way this time?”
“Yes, but Beth, the baby. . .” I wave my hand frantically over the bump.
Standing, she grabs my hands and pulls me up to my feet. “As much as I would love to, I think you know I’m not the right person for that conversation,” she points out.
“Ugh, I hate when you’re right,” I grumble.
“I mean, when am I not though?” She smirks. “Now let’s get out of here, I’m freezing my tits off.” We walk back down the pier hand in hand. I stop just before we get to Sparkles.
“Before you go, I gotta know, what the hell is going on between you and Chase?”
Her nose wrinkles in annoyance. “Tess, I am riding the high of my newfound path in life, why you gotta bring me down?”
I nudge her elbow. “C’mon, I saw the weird way you guys were acting toward each other before I got released from the hospital.”
“Fine, crank up your seat warmers and I’ll give you some of the juicy deets while you take me home. Andrew can bring me to pick up my car tomorrow.” She huffs, but the relieved look in her eyes tells a different story. If I had to guess, she’s wanted someone to talk about it with, but with all my crazy kidnap drama, she’s been dealing with it on her own. Time to put my shit on the back burner and be here for her, just like she always is for me.
When the heater is blasting, and feeling starts to return to our fingers, Beth finally turns to me. “He told me he loves me,” she bursts out.
I blink a few times in shock. “Seriously?” I gape. “I mean, obviously he does, but the fact that he would say that aloud? Damn. . .” I whistle.
“He was in the hospital, and I wasn’t sure if he was going to make it, you know? At one point, he flatlined. I swear my heart stopped with his. I think I went a little crazy, I refused to leave his side even when he was in and out of consciousness. The nurses literally had to drag me off him when he went back for more surgery. After he got back and finally came around, he looked me right in the eyes, and boom, with no warning at all, popped out those three little words.”
A stab of guilt twists in my stomach as I think about how close he came to death. “Okay, so wait, why is this such a bad thing? I mean it’s pretty obvious you have strong feelings for him.” Her eyes pin me with a glare as I reverse out of the parking lot.
“Gee, let me think. Maybe ‘cause he’s a total clown and not serious about anything, ever. Or how about the fact that he’s a total man slut, and wants to get in the pants of every attractive girl he meets? Not enough? He’s also immature, loud, cheap, full of himself, st—”
I throw up a hand in defeat. “Okay, okay, I get it. So, what did you do?”
“I uh, kind of ran out of his room. I’ve been ignoring him ever since.” If I wasn’t driving, I would face palm so hard right now.
“So, what you’re saying is, you pulled a Tessa?”
“I totally pulled a Tessa.” She exhales, and we both start laughing.
I ask the obvious question, “Well, do you love him?”
“I just, I don’t know. When I was little, I believed in love at first sight, soulmates and all that crap. Then in high school, I found out about you and my brother. Yes, it was a total disaster, don’t get me wrong, but I was actually jealous. After everything, even losing his memories, he still fell in love with you all over again. I mean that’s epic movie love right there. But I watched how much you and Andrew struggled. I guess I figured if two people so meant to be together, so madly in love, couldn’t find happiness, how would I stand a chance?”
“So what you’re saying is I crushed your spirit and made you give up on love,” I respond flatly.
“No, c’mon, that’s so not what—”
“I’m just messing with you,” I tease. “I get it, seriously. I suppose I never considered what our relationship must look like from the outside. But you have to know that our story is beyond insane, we are the exception, not the rule. Please don’t let my fuck ups be the reason you’re afraid to fall in love, Blossom, that would kill me.”
She exhales and slumps back in her seat. “Even if I decided to take such a huge leap of faith like that, is he the guy I want to hand over my heart to? I mean, it’s Chase.”
“I hate to tell you this, but you don’t get to pick who you fall in love with. It takes you, unexpected, like a storm on a clear day. It flips your whole world inside out and even when they piss you off beyond reason, there’s nowhere you’d rather be than by their side.”
She groans as I pull up in front of her house. “Oh, fuck all. I love that asshole, don’t I?”
I grin and nod. “Yeah, you’re head over heels, bitch.”
Before getting out of the car, Blossom gives me a quick kiss on my cheek with a promise to see me tomorrow. Putting the car in reverse, I pause with my foot on the brake when there’s slight movement at the living room window.
After a few seconds, a curtain slides back and Andrew’s green eyes find mine. His mouth tilts into a frown, then he’s gone.