Chapter 36
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Tessa
Blue.
Peaceful, calming, blue.
Every direction I flick my eyes in, is murky blue. A constant state of fluid movement around me. When I reach out my hand, the blue moves gracefully with it.
Something small moves toward me in the vast blue, but even when I squint, it remains fuzzy and unclear. So I wait, and just as the mysterious object gets close enough to see, it flips a tail and swims away.
A little silver fish.
I’m underwater?
Yes, I’m floating. Chilly water kisses every inch of my skin. I knew that, though, didn’t I? It’s not only my vision that’s fuzzy, it’s my mind too. How did I get here? Better yet, how can I breathe? I don’t imagine I sprouted gills all of a sudden.
I must be dreaming, that’s the only explanation.
I try to think back to the last thing that happened before I ended up in this blue abyss.
I remember fire and blood. Screaming, and flashing red and blue lights. The harder I try to remember, the farther my memories inch away, skirting just out of reach. Perhaps I hit my head and have a concussion? What a cruel touch of irony that would be.
A whirring sound from above interrupts my disorientated thoughts. A boat glides across the surface of the water. I open my mouth to yell, but a stream of bubbles shoots out instead of words. I kick my feet, determined to swim up and ask for help, but I don’t get far before I’m yanked back. I look down to a familiar chain that fills me with dread. I wrap my hand around the metal links and pull myself down further, down into the depths of the water where a giant wooden chest sits on the sandy floor, the anchor to my chain.
A rusty lock is hooked through the lid. I tug on the metal, but it holds strong. With all my weight, I push against the side of the chest, but it doesn’t budge. The whirring noise stops, and I snap up to see if my only chance of escape is gone.
The boat has stilled. It now rocks gently on the surface directly above me. I swim up as far as the chain will allow and see several people sitting on the boat. Much to my surprise, one of the figures stands, then dives into the water toward me.
They know I’m here, I’ll be saved. Oh, thank God.
The smile on my face quickly melts as the person draws near, and I notice the unsettling attributes. Donned in an oversized black robe, the hooded figure swims closer, a long weapon in hand. I kick to swim away, but the cuff around my ankle keeps me rooted in place.
The figure comes to a stop before me. The black hood sways gently with the water, but doesn’t reveal anything more than a tight-lipped smile.
Now close enough, I drop my gaze to examine the weapon in its hand. A scythe, and not just any scythe, but an exact replica of the one I have tattooed across my ribs.
A surprisingly soft voice speaks from beneath the billowing hood. “I have to say, I may have gotten a bit ahead of myself before.” The figure chuckles. “It was the first time you gave me full control and I, ah. . . got a bit excited.” A million questions rush to my tongue but before I open my mouth, I recall what happened the last time I tried to talk. I shake my head and point to my throat.
The figure grins. “Worry not, you may speak now.”
I open my mouth, this time, only a few bubbles escape. “Who are you?” I gasp.
The figure laughs once more. “You’re heaven knows where, breathing underwater, and that’s your first question?” I nod. “Very well, but you’ll find you already know the answer to that. I am the poison that flows through your veins, the dark thoughts you harbor in the night. I am the harvester of souls, I am Death. I am the Reaper, Tessa, and I am part of you.”
The figure pulls back the hood, and I come face to face with a twisted reflection of myself. The girl before me has red eyes and translucent, pale skin that allows me to see the skeleton beneath the surface. Even with the gruesome changes, there’s no mistaking that it’s my face she wears.
“If you make it out of here and decide to hold on to the sins I’ve committed, they will eat away at you, the crown of guilt will be so heavy it will drag you to your demise. You will have to make the conscious decision to live with my choices, accept that I am a necessary part of you, and move forward with your life.” I open my mouth to argue, but the Reaper shakes her head.
“My time is limited, so listen well. I was born out of need, not because you are cursed. You have experienced tragedy and misfortune a plenty. Your full heart became twisted, and I was born. We’ve finally served justice on a bloody platter, you are free. Do not let the past corrode your future any longer. If you leave this place, you will have the chance to live happily under the sun, so I suggest you take it. I promise you the alternative will not be pleasant, and you will lose everything and everyone you love. You balance on a beam. One step leads to madness, the other, a drop to darkness. Backwards is death, leaving you with one move—forward, walking this thin line the rest of your life. It won’t be easy, impossible if you cannot find the key, but I have faith that you can do it, Tessa. Do you?”
Little of what she says is making any sense. My head hurts trying to puzzle out her words. The Reaper reaches out, the black sleeve slides back revealing a skeletal hand.
With her hand hovering over me, her throaty voice rings out. “Let the fire cleanse your soul, Tessa Kinsley.” Before I can protest, she touches my chest where my crown necklace used to sit, then dissipates before my eyes.
I hear a splash, and watch as the next figure jumps from the boat and swims toward me, muttering the entire way. “Death, blood, murder, Chase. CRACK, prince, blood, castle, crown. CRACK, burn, break, Vincent. CRACK.”
I slam my hands over my ears when the words become shouts that boom like thunder in my bones. “Stop, please stop,” I shout back at the next girl who wears my face. She goes blissfully quiet and I let my hands drop back to my sides. This version of me looks no different than I do now, aside from her cloudy eyes and twitchy movements.
“Oh, I’m here, yes. Just as I was told, yes. Like the ghosts of the past who visit Scrooge. Or am I future, maybe present? Oh, fuck all, who knows? I swim and speak and do my job, and like a broken record see the death and despair that never, ever fucking ends. It’s like a loop.” She twirls her fingers around and around as she spits nonsense. If I thought the Reaper spoke in riddles, this one is downright babbling.
“Who are you?” I ask.
“The scary bony one who smells of death, ah, she called me—MAD LITTLE TESSA. That’s right. Boom, crack, drip, and we LOST OUR HEAD!” she cackles.
Oh god, I’m. . . insane.
That’s what all this is. I’m bat shit crazy and getting a glimpse of my true self.
“Yes. Your thoughts are correct, quite batty. And if you escape this dreary place, I’ll forever be a worm wriggling around inside your pretty little head. A daily battle for sa—sa—sa—sa—sanity. Hope is not dead, fear not, should you crawl out and make peace with the Reaper, I will weaken. Should your heart be mended, should you accept the TRUTH, I’ll become a faint whisper, only heard in moments of weakness. Are you strong enough?” With a grin that stretches across her face, Mad Tessa winks and slams her hand on my chest before she disappears just as the Reaper did.
I close my eyes when I hear the next splash. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I don’t understand what’s happening, or where I am. All I want, is to curl up in a ball and pretend this is all a dream.
“Tessa?”
My eyes snap open when I hear his voice. “A—Andrew? Is that really you?” Reaching toward me, he takes my hand in his. It feels solid and real.
“I’ve missed you, beautiful,” he says softly, his green gaze full of love and concern.
“Are you here to save me?” I whisper, my heart swelling with hope.
He gives me a sad smile. “No Tessa, I can’t save you, but I know someone who can.”
“Who?” I ask, still clinging to the flicker of hope.
He ignores my question. “I want you to know that I’m here, right beside you. I need you to come back. I know it must feel like giving up is the easiest thing right now, and maybe it is. Life is fucking hard, it always has been for you, sweetheart. Memories will haunt you, and who knows what the future has in store, but I want us to face it together. The dragon has been slayed. Good defeated evil, the darkest chapters are over in our fairytale, so how about we get started on that happily ever after? What do you say, sweetheart?” Bringing my hands to his lips he gives them each a soft kiss.
That’s when I begin to understand the heart of the matter. This prison is of my own design. “I. . . Andrew, I’m not good. I’m a murderer, I got Chase killed. I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve to live,” I choke out the last words, a fury of bubbles escaping my mouth.
Gently cupping my face in both hands, he gazes deep into my eyes. “Fine, you have darkness in you, but who doesn’t? We all stumble through life and deal with the cards we’re dealt, nothing about it is black and white. You’re only human. It’s okay to stumble, to fall from your mistakes; as long as you get back up. Right now, you’re still lying down, your mind is shattered, and your body is broken as you give up. I can’t put the pieces back together, but if you can make your way back, I’ll be here waiting. If you hadn’t killed the dragon, I would have. You shouldered that responsibility to keep my hands free of blood. I ask, is that the act of someone evil? I accept you, and all the broken pieces that make you. Come back and we can live between the black and white, our castle will stand tall in the gray. It’s you and me, baby, we’re a family now.” His hands move to my small bump, and his smile reaches his eyes, illuminating his features with love.
Bringing his lips to mine, he kisses me deeply then steps back to stand beside the wooden chest. I hear a splash, and somehow, I know whoever it is, will be the last.
“Hi grown-up Tessa,” the little girl says cheerfully as she floats up to eye level. The eight-year-old version of me bobs in the water wearing a little sunflower dress and ratty shoes.
“Hello,” I respond, unsure of what else to say.
Her mouth tugs into a pout. “You let the Reaper do bad things.”
“I know, I’m sorry,” I say, my cheeks burning with shame.
“But. . . so did the bad man and mean old Mommy. They did bad things and they would never, ever have stopped doing bad things. I guess that means you saved us, grown-up me,” she says thoughtfully. “So, I forgive you.” She lifts her chin and smiles wide at me, showing off a missing front tooth.
“You do?” I ask hesitantly.
“Yeppers. I forgive you and I love you, even though we have to do bad things sometimes.” She gives me a stern look. “Now it’s time to go home, this is not a good place to be, Tessy. The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave.”
“I’m trapped.” I point to the chain that leads to the wooden chest.
“And who are you waiting for? Prince Charming to come save you?” She giggles. “Man, I must get dumb when I grow up.” She frowns at me. “You are Tessa Kinsley, fighter, survivor, princess, and reaper. You are the hero of this story, and you are going to save yourself.”
She holds out her hands, in them, a gold key lies across her palms. As soon as I take it, the little girl disappears. Swimming over to the chest, Andrew nods at the lock, encouraging me to open it.
The key turns easily and the lock pops off. The lid groans and creaks as I push it up. Laying in the bottom of the chest, is a single item. A sparkling crown necklace. I pick it up and let the chest lid slam shut.
“May I?” Andrew asks, reaching his hand out for the necklace.
I nod and let the chain slide into his open hand.
Moving behind me, he drapes the necklace across my collarbone and fingers the clasp. His soft voice makes my skin prickle. “The old castle is gone, but our kingdom stands strong. It lies within you and all the lives you’ve touched. You gripped this crown for comfort over the years, thinking somehow it was me protecting you. The truth is, you’ve always drawn that strength from yourself. So tap into that now, choose to rebuild. Choose to keep fighting. Choose to forgive. Forgive yourself, and love yourself, Tessa Kinsley.”
The crown falls to its rightful place near my heart, as the shackle around my ankle clicks open and drops off. Andrew turns me gently by my shoulders so I’m facing him once more.
His eyes are worried now, full of unshed tears. “Princess, come back to me.”
Then there’s light, bright and unforgiving.
Decision made, I take a deep breath and swim toward it.