CHAPTER 12
~Jane~
DESPITE MY LINGERING hangover, I arrive early to the meeting and choose a seat by the window. Staring out at the trees with leaves blowing in the breeze, I think about how I never sleep well anymore, not like I used to when I was younger. Or maybe it’s that I don’t sleep well without Luke. Just another thing I seem to blame him for regardless of his innocence in the matter. It’s easier to keep my distance when I can keep a few key issues on hand. And I should definitely be keeping my distance. Everything about him is dangerous not just for my heart, but also for my libido.
Good Lord, when did I start using that word?
Libido. It’s such an icky word.
I know when. It was when that sexy bastard came blazing back into my life changing my narrative. Resting my chin on my hand, I purse my lips and ponder last night. It was the most honest without being direct we’ve been with each other. It makes me wonder if we can get back to that place again sometime soon. It was nice.
Ian is the next to arrive. “I’m impressed, Jane. I like timeliness.”
“I’ve dreamed about this project for years. I can’t wait to get started.”
He sits across from me, leaving the rest of the long conference table available. “I want to talk to you about something.”
Dread fills my chest like I’ve been called into the principal’s office. “Okay.”
Leaning closer, he says, “I’m not sure it’s a good idea for you and Luke—”
“Good morning.”
We both turn to find Luke standing at the head of the table. A few others walk in behind him, including our two stars—Jessica Pyles and Ryan Kantz.
The room is filled with chatter and Ian leans back in his chair, not finishing what he began with me, leaving me curious as to what he wanted to say. He doesn’t think Luke and I… what? Instead of answering me, he speaks to the group, “Let’s get started.”
Damn it.
Hours later, I stare at the schedule in front of me in wonderment of how we’re going to fit in everything we need to do to make this movie. Rehearsals start tomorrow, a new script has been handed out, and lunch is served. I avoid looking at Luke at the other end of the table, but it seems as much as I avoid the eye contact, the connection is still there. My body shifts under the weight of his gaze and when I finally dare a peek over the apple I’m biting into, my suspicions are confirmed. He glances from me to Ian and then down at his food that’s barely been touched. His jaw tightens and then he stands. I watch as he says something that must be very charming to Jessica by her giggly reaction before he scoops up his food, drops it in a nearby trash can, and walks out.
Others start to follow since the meeting has wrapped. I follow suit, quick-stepping out of the boardroom. Luke isn’t too far ahead on the sidewalk and I hurry to catch up. “Hey,” I say right behind him.
He turns, an eyebrow raised. “Hey there, yourself.”
I try for casual, but professional. “So the schedule is pretty intense.”
“It is.”
“You think we’ll fit it all in?”
“We’ll try our damnedest.”
His pace doesn’t slow and he has almost a foot in height on me, so I double time to keep up with his long strides. “Are you okay?”
“Fine and dandy.”
“You don’t sound fine or dandy.”
He comes to an abrupt halt and looks down at me. “How am I supposed to sound?”
“I don’t know. Cordial?”
That makes him laugh, but it’s not the amused or entertained kind. It’s filled with sarcasm, maybe even a little anger. “I got the hint. Sorry for bothering you.”
“Actually, you haven’t gotten the hint.”
My mouth drops open as I stare at him in disbelief. Then I close it and start walking up the sidewalk. There are too many people around for us to discuss whatever he’s referring to.
“Yeah, walk away, Jane. It’s what you do best.”
I spin around, my finger already pointing, ready to unleash a whole lot of my reality on him when I see Jessica, Ryan, and Ian heading our way. I swallow the rapture of my words, exhale loudly, and lower my hand. Turning around, I do leave. Yes, I leave him standing there in all his aggression to be dealt with another day and when we’re alone, in private.
Too angry to return to a hotel room to sit and stew, I keeping walking right past the entrance. There are shops—a costume store, kitchen shop, restaurants, and more. I walk into a candy store.
“Yeah, walk away, Jane. It’s what you do best.” His words cut deep because I don’t usually walk away, but he’s right. I did when it mattered. He knows me though, so he should have known I never meant to walk away forever. In my anger, I accidently knock a small display over, and as I am righting it, I hear the bell above the door rattle. Great. Hopefully it’s no one from the movie. It’s too much work to pretend to be happy right now. My mind is rattled. “Yeah, walk away, Jane. It’s what you do best.”
Shit. I need to move on. I am so confused. He held me in his arms. We danced. I told him I never stopped loving him. And he’s barely acknowledged me today.
Guessing that’s a pretty big hint. He’s moved on.
As I turn to see who came in, my face is grabbed, and all-too familiar lips are pressing against mine. My eyes are wide open, my mouth unmoving, my hands pushing against strength and passion. But then I’m released just as hastily. Luke’s breathing is harsh, a fire in his eyes. “I loved you. I know you don’t believe that, but I did. With everything I had.”
I find my breath stuck somewhere in my chest as I watch this man that is always a pillar of confidence, break. His truths come spilling out, filling the candy store and my heart.
He looks at me and takes a step back as if I’ve hit him with a fresh rejection. “You were everything and you walked out as a test, as a threat, wanting me to chase you, to beg you to stay.”
“You didn’t though. You let me go knowing how hurt I was.”
“You walking away hurt me. I just wasn’t willing to play your game.”
“It wasn’t a game, Luke. It was my life.”
“It was my life too. It was our life, one we shared together.”
“Years had passed since you promised me the moon and stars, but every time I looked up, there they were exactly where they had always been, a constant reminder that you didn’t want that same commitment.”
“I never promised the moon or the stars. I only promised my heart and you already had that.”
“Semantics.”
“Truths, Jane. My truth.” He releases a deep breath, the fire inside him dwindling down in the dark depths of his stare. “What about last night?”
“My body may be easily swayed by your flirtatious ways, but my head can’t forget the past.” I hate that I’m the one that extinguishes his fire, the passion that fuels him. Even his anger comes from something deeper. But I still struggle to get past what happened. “I can still see that woman in my head. So vividly.” My voice cracks, the image springing tears to my eyes.
Coming closer again, his shoulders start to sag. “I read everything wrong. I’m sorry. You don’t know how sorry I am. You didn’t tell me.”
“I was telling you the only way I knew how.”
“Not with words.”
“No, actions.”
“Jane,” he says, shaking his head, “when you came over last July, you were still with him. How is it fair that you could be with someone and I couldn’t? I thought you were over me, that we were done.”
“That’s where you were wrong. I was living in his house because I had nowhere else to go.”
“But I didn’t know that.” His hand touches my arm and electric currents shoot straight to my heart. “We’re a house of cards. The slightest movement brings us crashing down.”
“When did we become such a mess?”
“We never fought.”
“We never talked either.”
He smiles. “We made love.”
My own smile forms from the memories. “We sure did. A lot.”
Another giggle comes, but this time not from me. I turn around to see the clerk smiling. “I hope you guys make up because it will be a real shame to let a love like that go.”
I look down, a smile on my face. Luke’s hand falls away and when I turn to him, he’s not smiling at all, so mine disappears. “Luke?”
He takes two steps away from me. When I reach out, I struggle to touch him. Confusion sets in as I search his eyes for answers that he’s burying deep inside. “Luke?” This time it comes out in fear of losing him.
Again.
“I’ve gotta go,” he says, a silent plea lost in translation runs through his gaze. He turns and walks out of the store and this time it’s me watching him go.
I hate it.
What just happened? When I look over my shoulder, the clerk lowers her head and looks away, pretending she didn’t witness my heartbreak. Forgetting about the candy and the clerk, I rush for the door. I look down the sidewalk toward our hotel, then turn and look in the opposite direction. Where could he be? How did he disappear so quickly?
Good or bad, my heart and my head finally agree and insist on more, so I start running.
I reach the entrance and hurry through the courtyard where an early happy hour has begun. The crew says hi as I rush through the tables straight to Luke’s door and knock.
Fine, I bang on it. Whatever.
The door swings open and he’s standing there, not saying anything. Just staring, waiting for me to speak, or act. I choose the latter and push him inside, two hands firmly pressed to his chest. The door closes behind me and he has a hold of my wrists, questioning me with his eyes. “What are you doing?”
“I’m not fighting with you anymore.”
He almost looks nervous, but his usual bravado quickly replaces the previous. When he releases me, he crosses his arms, and asks, “What do you suggest we do instead?”
My bottom lip is scraped under my teeth. I look down, the light making the ring shine even brighter. The ring…
I close the gap, fisting his shirt, and pull him closer. Staring up at him, his eyes lock on mine. He whispers, “What now, Jane?”
“This.” I lift up and kiss him. Large hands cover my shoulders and we’re spun around slowly, our bodies gravitating even closer until there’s no space keeping us apart.
Our lips part and I lower my head, resting my forehead against his chest. His breath warms me, the scruff of his beard catching strands of my hair as he lowers. With his mouth to my ear, he whispers, “What are we doing?”
“Not letting us go.”
“You’re engaged. I thought I could be the other man for you, but I can’t. I want all of you.”
The statement sobers me and the magic is lost. I turn my back to him, not wanting to lie to him any longer. Will the truth set my heart free or set it up to be broken all over again? He touches my shoulder. “Don’t turn away from me. I need to see your eyes.”
“What’s so great about seeing my eyes?” I try for levity, but even I know it’s not funny.
“They tell me the truth, even when you don’t.”
Slowly, I turn back. With my heart thudding in my chest, I find the strength to look up at him. “I’m not.”
“You’re not what?” he asks.
“I’m not engaged, Luke.”
His confusion registers through the crease in his brow. “You’re not engaged?”
“No. I’m not.”
Backing away from me, his eyes stay on me as he sits down on the bed. “Since when?”
I don’t want to fight and I know the truth could lead to a major blowout, but I don’t want to lie either. “A couple of months, maybe never.”
“What does that mean? A couple of months? Maybe never?”
The scrutiny of his gaze causes my honesty to sink to my stomach. I walk to the window, wrapping my arms around myself, needing the comfort. “Please don’t be mad at me.”
“Tell me, Jane.”
“I was never engaged.”
“You told me you were. Others told me you were.”
“Lawrence told everyone we were before he asked me. I was embarrassed so I never denied it.”
“But you let me believe… You made me your dirty secret, then left as if it was true.”
Turning around, I plead my case. I need him to understand. I don’t want a lie to destroy either of us anymore. “No, you were never that to me. You were so much more. You were everything to me, Luke.”
He cocks his head to the side. “How’s that if you were lying to me?”
“I lied because you hurt me.”
“So you lied to get me back?”
My arms fly up defensively. “Why did you have to fuck half of LA?”
“Because you were fucking engaged to that asshole lawyer. Why didn’t you just tell me? You were coming over to my house, showing up unannounced as if I should leave my arms and door wide open for you to come and go as you fucking pleased. From me, back to that asshole, and then back to me again like a fucking yo-yo.”
I gasp. “Fuck you.”
“Fuck me? Fuck you, Jane.”
Staring at him, I realize I don’t know him at all anymore. With a lump in my throat and anger filling the void my love for him once occupied, I say, “I told you the truth because I knew I owed you that much, but you owe me something too.”
“What is that?”
“My heart. It’s been a long damn time since I felt whole and I’m tired of feeling empty.” I walk to the door. I knew better and yet, here I am arguing with him over the past. There’s no going back for us and moving forward will never be anything more than working acquaintances. That much is clear to me now.
To my back, he says, “You’ve had your heart all along. You packed it up along with the rest of your shit the day you decided you needed to test how true my love was for you.”
My eyes trace the subtle grays in the cement floor. I wasn’t paying attention before, but now, they’re obvious and feeling very much a metaphor for our relationship. We were never black and white. We’ve been lost in the subtly of our lives, not living in full color for years. I stop, slip the ring off my finger, and wordlessly return it to him.
With the ring in the palm of his hand, he sighs. “What are you doing?”
“Protecting my heart.”
“You don’t have to protect it from me.”
“You’re the only one I have to protect it from.”
“I don’t want the ring back.”
“I can’t hold on to it any longer. It’s like holding on to a dream that will never come true.” I drop my head down. “It hurts too much.”
His arms are around me just as the first tear falls. “Don’t cry.” His tone is softer. His body is warm and comforting as if we can carry on like this despite this unsettled life solidly dividing us.
“I’m sorry for lying to you,” I reply to his chest. “I hated it, but I had to. I’ve been hur—”
“Shhh. It’s okay.”
Loving the feel of him, this closeness, I inhale his scent deep into my lungs to soothe my soul one last time. Pushing gently off him, I turn quickly and open the door, this time before he can stop me. “It’s not okay. I’m not okay—”
“Then let me help you.”
I didn’t run from Luke into the arms of another. I didn’t sleep with Lawrence for months after we started dating. I was lost and vulnerable to a drowning heartbreak. I gave in to him when I gave up on the hope that Luke wanted me. I stupidly thought time apart would make Luke realize he couldn’t live without me. My heart had been so bruised and battered, feeling as though our lives weren’t moving in the right direction. I missed him. Missed us. Even though physically we were still together.
This last two months on my own have been good for me. I have survived. But I have been living in a state of limbo. There was no way I was going back to Lawrence. That had been a mistake from the beginning. I think I was still waiting for Luke to chase me, even though we agreed to keep our distance. That wasn’t fair to any of us. But that distance didn’t provide healing. It only caused more hurt.
“You’ve had your heart all along. You packed it up along with the rest of your shit the day you decided you needed to test my love for you.” He’s wrong. I haven’t had my heart. But I need it now. It’s time to move past my state of displacement and be whole again.
I open the door determined to walk out of his life one final time. To never again experience his arms around me. To never hear his heart beat when my cheek rests on his chest. To no longer love the man who has owned my heart for almost twelve years. He can help me. He can help me by allowing me to leave, knowing I’m not expecting him to chase me this time. Allowing me to go.
If this is the right decision, why does it hurt so much?