CHAPTER 10
~Jane~
TIME DOESN’T HEAL old wounds. It distorts them. Twists your memories so you forget the truth and see the extremes. Love or hate. Those are the only two emotions left to comfort me after all this time.
One or the other.
Changing, depending on the day. The hour. The minute.
Sitting on the floor of my hotel room, I rummage through my jewelry box looking for something very specific. It’s been a week since I last saw Luke and I feel the need for a reminder of the good times. I find what I’m looking for underneath a light blue ribbon. Running the satin ribbon through my fingers, I remember when Luke gave me the corsage it once adorned for junior prom. With a lump in my throat, I set it aside and take the ring out, slipping it on my left hand ring finger.
I can’t stop the smile that covers my face when I look down at my hand. The sapphire and diamond ring sparkles in the sunlight shining in from the window nearby. This ring comes with a broken promise, but I still love it, treasure it deeper than I should. Even now it’s a symbol of us, of where we are in our relationship—broken cracks where promises slip through and love remains. I treasure him deeper than I should too.
It was all so simple back then. Our lives and the circumstances were easy with no real life problems or roadblocks, responsibilities, or regrets burdening us. If I were twenty again, I wouldn’t change anything. I would go through the happy, the sad, the love, the fights, the growing up and growing together stages with Luke over again because even though we aren’t together now and he couldn’t give me the happily ever after I needed, loving him each day was worth it.
* * *
ANOTHER FEW WEEKS pass and I don’t text Luke, or call. I should since he’s on my mind all the time, like the ring has stayed on my finger. I like seeing it when I type, my heart swooning like the characters from the script. I respect his wishes. We take my suggestion to give it time. I thought it would fix me, allow me to forget the women he’s been with. I should. I don’t even have a right to be mad, but it’s not mad I’m dealing with. It’s hurt and I feel betrayed. I’m not fixed. That much is clear, so I must protect the rest of my heart that remains unclaimed.
What am I doing? Sighing, I should take the ring off, but I can’t seem to part with it. Wiggling my finger, I hold it up in the air and continue admiring the pretty token of love. I’m tempted to keep wearing it. Just around the hotel room. Just for me.
So I do.
I pack my suitcases and close them. Carrying the jewelry box, I set it gently in one of two boxes that contains my whole life. Two suitcases and two boxes. It’s not a lot to show for a life that feels lived in.
When I walked out on Luke, I left belongings we shared behind just like our lives. I thought I would be back. I couldn’t bear to take our stuff and live with it elsewhere. Could he? Did he?
The rest was delivered to my mom’s house—two boxes of stuff from photos to stuffed animals to yearbooks all carefully packed away that now lives in her attic.
I take the suitcases by the handles and load both into my car. When I return for the last box, I stop and look around. This suite, the size of my first apartment I shared with Luke, has been home for too long. It’s time to move on. After one more look around, I leave this refuge, this place that gave me a new start, one last time. I stop by the front desk to say goodbye to the never-too-friendly clerk and set the key on the counter.
I have nothing holding me back. Only the future awaits. Driving to Texas is a good option for me. I never found an apartment or a house I wanted anyway. So I’m leaving nothing behind but a past it’s time to move on from. As I pull away from the extended-stay hotel, I look in the rearview mirror, and then focus forward.
New adventures are on the horizon. Texas here I come.
An hour later, I’m still in LA.
Annoyed.
Stupid traffic.
I turn on the classical music station and try to relax. With a long twenty-four hours of driving ahead of me, I can’t get upset before I’ve even left this smoggy city.
Three hours later, I dry my hands, leave the barely passable-as-clean bathroom, and go inside the mini-mart for road trip supplies. I walk the aisles twice before grabbing peanut butter M&M’s, a churro from the machine, a bottle of soda, a larger bottle of water, and sour cream and onion chips.
My passenger seat is littered with craptastic foods and I take off on my journey again.
Another hour passes and I’ve sung through the latest Keith Urban album including unwelcome squirming in my seat when certain songs played. The memories of the night with Luke affect my body as well as my mind. I think of him too often to be healthy. Even the manuscript I just submitted to my agent has a hero that he might have inspired.
…embrace your soul, and coax the moon and stars to shine inside.
My body clenches. Who am I kidding? All my heroes have pieces, lines, and inspirations from him. I grew up with Luke. He was my first kiss. My first date. My first dance with a boy. My first make-out session. The person I lost my virginity to, and coincidentally the last one I was with as well.
Lawrence was only meant to play a minor character in a subplot to my life’s arc. I see that now. When did I lose the major plot?
How could I have been so blind to what Luke wanted and didn’t want? I’m guilty of taking our relationship for granted. But it’s not like he didn’t participate in our daydreaming. We had talked about marriage and kids, rescuing a stray from the pound, and the home we’d all live together.
Time apart. I should have seen that one coming. Sure, I suggested it, but if he really wanted to be with me, he wouldn’t have agreed.
He’s sly with his smooth-talking and sexy self. He’s well aware of how desirable he is and uses that against females. He’s no more committed to a future with me than he was back then. So we fooled around. So what? He does that all the time, just scratch out my name and fill in the next.
He let that dream slip away years ago…
The scenery outside the car looks the same from Arizona into New Mexico. With the sun’s brightness sending a prism of lights reflecting off the ring, the beauty reminds me of when he gave it to me…
The rain has soaked my clothes, but I still have two blocks to go before I’m home. I usually don’t mind the walk to the stop where I catch the bus that takes me to school. I only have to take it on days Luke has his internship at Warner Brothers Studio. I get the car on other days for my shifts at the coffee shop. We’re too broke for two cars and my mom helps with school as much as she can, but she can’t afford to cover a car and insurance in addition to that. Luke’s parents added me to their policy for his car. I’m part of their family as they are mine.
But the rain… it’s not fun when I’m trying to protect my books in the backpack I’m carrying. My umbrella isn’t big enough to cover both, so I sacrifice my hair and shirt to keep the pack dry.
I reach the apartment and shake out the umbrella leaving it to dry on the front porch. I slip off my wet lace-up boots and set them neatly in the corner next to the door. I’ll bring them in later when they dry out.
The apartment is dark. We both left early this morning, making sure to turn out the lights so we don’t waste electricity. I find the kitchen light switch and flick it on while heading to turn on the bathtub water. I’m shivering from the wet clothes and quickly discard them in the washer.
The bath water is warm and comforting, wiping away the chill from my bones. I sink deeper until my toes bob and my chin is resting on the surface. I dip all the way under, holding my breath. Emerging when I need air, I gasp when I break the surface. My lids open and Luke is leaning against the bathroom door, smiling. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Grinning, I ask, “How long have you been standing there?”
“Long enough. I thought I was gonna have to come in there and rescue you.”
“You still can and then you can give me mouth to mouth.”
Though we’re flirting, his tone is more serious, his eyes fixed on me. “Would you like that?”
I nod as he comes closer to the tub. “I would.”
He wastes no time. Luke steps in—socks and jeans, button-up shirt—right into the bathtub causing the water to slosh over the sides as he kneels down around me. I shout in excitement, “Luke!”
He laughs and takes my face in his hands, a huge grin on his that matches mine. “Let me love on you, baby.” He kisses me.
Holding on to the edge of the tub for support, my grip keeps me grounded when he makes me want to soar. When our lips part, he says, “I got you something.”
“What is it?”
He reaches into the pocket of his shirt and pulls out a ring. “It’s more than a promise ring, Jane.”
I gasp for the second time tonight when I see it. I’m in awe of how pretty it is as he slips it on my finger. “It’s gorgeous. But why? And how? We can’t afford this.”
“Don’t worry. I put enough down to make the monthly payments affordable until then.”
“If we have to make payments, we can’t afford it.” I stare at it on my finger, growing attached to it already.
“Do you like it?”
I never want to give it up. “I love it.” I wiggle my fingers and watch how it sparkles on my hand. I look up into his gleaming eyes and feel overwhelmed with thankfulness for the amazing man before me. I never want to give him up. “I love you. Thank you.”
“We’re going to get married one day. I promise you, Jane. I’ll make all your dreams come true. The wedding, the kids, the house. All of it.”
“Promise?”
“I promise and cross my heart.” He leans down again and kisses me. With a simple twist, he’s under me, my back to his chest, and we lie there in the water. His wet clothed arms wrap around my bare body, keeping me warm.
…I unload the last suitcase from the car, not wanting it to be stolen while I sleep in a motel in the middle of nowhere. The place is rundown and making me feel like I might be killed if I take a shower. No, I won’t think of Psycho. I won’t take a shower here or sleep with both eyes closed. Nope, not gonna do it.
I lie on the bed staring up at the swirly wallpaper they’ve hung. I’ve never seen wallpaper on a ceiling before, but I like getting distracted by the design. My eyelids grow heavy and my body starts relaxing. If only my mind would. Dreams weave throughout the night…
A car is in the driveway when I walk up. I recognize it. It’s the same one he had in college. As I pass I remember all the times we had sex in that backseat. There’s a large scratch over the right tire. He was so upset when I hit that guardrail, but he was more worried about my safety, and never said a word about the damage.
A cat jumps out from the bushes startling me. “Rascal,” I say, kneeling down and petting him like I had when I was seven. He died when I was fifteen. Hit by a car. I never got to say a proper goodbye or even bury him.
Music comes from the house and Luke’s friend, Blaise, walks by with a guy I once shared a table with in Chemistry lab. I’m so confused. They don’t see me. I get up and walk to the door. It’s been left open, the music louder, the notes a blur. I don’t recognize the song.
“Luke?” I call out.
I walk inside when no one answers. The cat runs by me and I quickly move out of the way when it runs upstairs. “Luke?” I’ve not been here enough to feel comfortable in his space. Laughter draws my attention to the top of the stairs.
A woman with long blond hair is stroking my cat. My childhood cat. Traitor. When she sees me, her voice is muffled, but I understand exactly what she says, “He’s happier without you. You left him and now he’s mine.”
“I didn’t leave him forever,” I protest. “It was never supposed to be forever. I love him.”
“He doesn’t love you anymore. You should leave before he sees you and you make him miserable all over again.”
A tear falls down my cheek and hits the palm of my hand. When I touch my cheek it’s dry. But my shirt over my heart is wet. I squeeze my eyes tightly closed.
My eyes flash open and I sit up, my heart pounding in my chest, my breath short. The dream was disjointed and chaotic, not making sense. What does it mean? I rub my eyes and roll onto my side. I’ve relived the time I caught him with that other woman many times, but I haven’t had a nightmare over it in a while. I’ll be seeing him soon and my anxiety over this reunion has seeped into my subconscious.
When will I finally heal? This time apart was supposed to close those wounds, give us a fresh start as friends. Did I set myself up to be hurt all over again without even realizing it? I found myself in the cycle of wondering why he wasn’t calling or texting. Was he dating or seeing someone else? I gave him no reason not to, but I hate it just the same. Stupid dream. My heart feels broken. Again.
It’s six in the morning, and I throw the covers off me. I’m ready to leave this motel and this nightmare behind. Twenty minutes later, I’m pulling onto the highway.
I always hated that damn cat.