“I called you three days ago, Elijah,” Jonah said, but Eli knew there was no anger behind it. More like concern, if he knew his brother at all.
“I’m sorry. It’s been crazy busy here.” Eli flopped down on the couch, completely exhausted from the long day. He’d left at the same time as Avery, knowing Jake and the kids were exhausted too—after they had cleaned up the mess, of course. No one wanted to mess with Nina. Eli smiled as he thought of the sweet woman and her incredibly kind husband. It was so clear how much they loved the boys, but Eli noticed how Nina was also growing fond of Jake. There was no doubt, they could all fill a void in each other’s lives. But will I always be a part of that?
“Hey, you all right?”
Eli leaned his head back on the couch. “Yeah, just really tired. Hell, it’s still early and I’m ready for bed already.” He didn’t mention that he had to change his clothes as soon as he walked in the door because they were covered in food.
“Eli, come on, man. Talk to me.”
Eli released a heavy sigh and put his feet up on the coffee table. “It’s just been really crazy since all this happened, you know? Like a fucking whirlwind and I’m waiting for the damn thing to toss me.”
“You still spending time over there?” Jonah asked hesitantly.
Eli huffed out a humorless laugh. “Yeah, and honestly, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. Nick asked me if I’m Jake’s boyfriend, and I had no fucking clue how to answer that. I went down the road I swore I would never go down again. And yeah, things are better than they were before, but I have no idea if he just needs me now. When all this falls into place for the three of them, where does that leave me?”
“You’ve gotta ask him. He’s the only one who can answer that,” Jonah replied.
“Yeah, but…” Eli shook his head, as if Jonah could see the movement. “Fuck.”
“But you’re afraid of the answer,” his brother finished for him.
“Yeah,” he admitted quietly. “It’s bad enough that I can’t seem to stop loving the asshole, but now, I’m falling for those kids too. What the hell am I doing?” Jonah was silent for a minute, and Eli knew that meant he was debating his next words. “Just say it, Jonah.”
“You’ve never said you love him before.”
Oh Fuck.
“I haven’t?”
“Eli, I know you’re the type of person who wants to help. Trust me, you and I are cut from the same damn cloth. I blame Mom.” They both chuckled. “And what Jake and those boys are going through is devastating, but…”
“But…?”
“You need to talk to him because, honestly, as much as I don’t want you to get hurt, I don’t want those kids to get hurt, either. They’re getting just as attached to you as you are to them…and they’ve already lost enough.”
“Fuck. You’re right.” Eli pinched the bridge of his nose right between his aching eyes. “Why the hell did I listen to Zach? I should’ve stayed away.” God knows, he couldn’t pull back when it meant losing Jake. But for those boys? He’d walk away now if that was the best thing for them.
“Zach?”
“Yeah, I went home again a couple of weeks ago, and Zach told me I was runnin’ away from my problems, and that I should be there for them.”
“Listen to me.” When Eli didn’t respond, Jonah added, “You listening?”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t go assuming you know what’s best for them. Don’t pull yourself out of their lives without making sure that’s what they want. That’s not what I’m saying at all. What I’m saying is you need to make things clear to Jake. He needs to know what they all mean to you.” Jonah sighed into the phone. “You’re so much like me…ready to make the sacrifice before anyone even says they need it.” Jonah was quiet then continued, “Sometimes, it is needed, but don’t forget, what you need is just as important. I think that’s what Zach meant. Trust me, I learned pretty fucking fast that sometimes you can’t be the one to back down. You have to be the one to fight for what you want.”
Eli exhaled in frustration. “Why do things have to be so damn complicated?”
“Trust me, Elijah, when it’s right, eventually, it’ll all fall into place. And it’s the best fucking feeling in the world.”
Eli smiled and stood up. He walked into his bedroom and flipped the light switch. “So, I take it you and Cameron are still going strong?”
“Yeah,” Jonah sighed. “Better than ever.”
“Good. No one deserves it more than you, Jonah.”
“You deserve it, too, Eli. Don’t forget that.”
“Thanks. Say hi to Cam for me.”
“I will. I’m always here for you. Remember that, okay?”
“I know.”
Once he ended the call, he grabbed a hooded sweatshirt, pulled it on, and went out onto his balcony. The fall air was crisp and chilly and the sky was dark, but he loved it.
Maybe his plan to help out with Dylan was backfiring. He could always talk to Nina and tell her he couldn’t watch Dylan on Tuesdays and Thursdays anymore. He pressed a hand to his chest because the thought physically hurt.
His thoughts wandered back to the office that morning with Jake. When it was just the two of them, it felt like things were moving in the right direction. Jake mentioned twice now that they needed to talk. The first time, Eli recommended they wait until things settled down to talk, and the second, Dylan interrupted them. While he was sitting on his balcony alone, he could admit he was relieved Dylan had busted into the room because it was just like Jonah had said—
He was afraid of the answer.
He was waiting for the moment when Jake decided to go back to his old ways. He was waiting to be tossed aside…again.
The next day at the shop seemed long as hell. Luckily, he’d been busy all day, but seeing as he got no sleep the night before, he was ready to go home and crash.
“You’ve been quiet today.” Jake stood in the doorway to Eli’s station. “Everything okay?”
“Just tired.” It seemed to be his go-to answer lately, but today, it was actually true.
Jake walked over to him, stopping right in front of Eli, and took the disinfectant out of his hand. He set it down on the counter then wrapped his arms around Eli’s waist. Eli took a deep breath and closed his eyes. When Jake’s lips found his, he kissed him back until common sense set in. Eli pulled away and picked the cleaner back up.
Jake gave him a strange look. “You coming over tonight?”
Eli stopped wiping the counter for a second, gearing up for his answer, then started up again. “Nah. Think I’m gonna go home and crash.”
When Jake didn’t answer, Eli turned around, but wasn’t prepared for the angry tick in the guy’s jaw. “What’s going on?”
Eli tossed the paper towel in the trash and sat down in the chair in the corner. He leaned his elbows on his thighs and stared at the floor. “Nick saw me sneak out the other night and wanted to know if I’m your boyfriend.” He looked up at Jake and watched his face morph from angry to oh shit. “I had no idea what to say to him.”
Jake rubbed the back of his head. “Shit.”
“Yup.” Eli laughed humorlessly and added, “And your reaction right now tells me you have no idea what to say to that either. Which leads me to the question I seem to ask you over and over again. What the hell are we doing?”
“I don’t know.”
Eli hung his head. “That’s not good enough, Jake. Not for me, not for you, and most definitely, not for those boys. They need stability in their lives, and if you push me away again, like I’m bracing myself for you to do, they’ll feel it too.”
Jake gripped the back of his head with both hands and paced the room. “I wanna do right by those kids. I need to.”
Eli stood and crossed the room, pulling Jake’s arms down to his sides. “You are doing right by those kids. Don’t doubt it for a fucking second. They need you…but let’s face it, they don’t need me. Not really.”
Jake placed a hand on Eli’s face. “Yes, they do. I do.”
Eli shook his head. “No, you don’t. You have been doing an amazing job, and that has nothing to do with me.” Jake hung his head back and groaned, and Eli couldn’t help but chuckle. “Look, I’m not saying I’m not gonna come around anymore or help out. I can still be there on Nick’s therapy days. But the in-between…staying for dinner,” Eli raised an eyebrow with a smirk, “office and laundry room blowjobs…need to stop until you figure everything out.”
Jake looked at Eli again. “Yeah, okay. I get it.” Eli backed away from Jake, but was yanked back as Jake slammed his mouth down over his. He kissed him within an inch of his fucking life and then let Eli go in a daze. “Don’t think this means we’re done.” Jake smiled, turned, and left the room.
“I fucking hope we’re not,” Eli said to himself.
“Jake, Nick has given permission for you to be in the entire session today,” Dr. Harper said. Jake and the doctor had previously agreed to Nick having some privacy in his therapy sessions to freely discuss his feelings without fear of how Jake would react. When Jake would talk with the therapist the last ten minutes of the session, it was usually a discussion of where the plan of action was going and Nick’s progress. Sitting in today was something Jake wasn’t expecting, but in a way, he felt relieved that Nick wanted to share something, anything, with him.
The doctor continued by saying, “On Tuesday, we talked about the breakthrough he’d had over the weekend with his grandparents. It’s a big step in healing but also in his awareness that he has a right to say how he feels.” The doctor looked at Nick. “Do you have anything you’d like to say to your uncle about what happened over the weekend?”
Jake was expecting Nick’s normal shrug of the shoulders, but instead, Nick answered, “I don’t think so. I feel better now that he knows.” He looked over at Jake and smiled, and the happiness Jake felt seeing it was overwhelming.
“Are you ready to talk about what’s been bothering you? Remember, this is at your own pace. You make the rules with what you’re willing to share and when you’re ready to share it.”
Nick pulled his legs up to sit crisscross on the couch, rubbed his hands on his jeans, and then began fidgeting with his hands in his lap. He sat quietly for a minute, with Dr. Harper and Jake giving him all the time he needed to say what he needed to say.
“The day of the accident…” Nick paused again.
Oh, God. Please tell me they didn’t get into a fight or something.
He took a deep breath and tried again. “The day of the accident, me and Dylan were supposed to go with Mom and Dad.” His bottom lip quivered. “We were all gonna go to the store and look at new furniture for the family room. We complained about going ‘cause, well, it’s boring, but also ‘cause there was a marathon on with a bunch of Marvel movies. Mom told us, as long as it was okay with Nina and Stan, we could go over there while they went shopping.”
And then…shit.
“You don’t…?” Jake wasn’t sure he should finish that. He looked to the doctor, and when he received a nod, Jake asked, “Do you feel guilty that you weren’t with them?”
Nick bit his bottom lip. “Sometimes,” he confessed quietly. “Sometimes I feel guilty that I didn’t die with them, but sometimes I feel guilty ‘cause…” Nick hesitated and shook his head. On instinct, Jake reached over and took Nick’s hand. Nick squeezed Jake’s hand and took a deep breath. “Sometimes, I’m grateful me and Dylan weren’t in the car.” He looked nervously up at Jake, like the words he’d voiced were awful or selfish.
Jake slid over closer to his nephew. “I’m grateful every single day that you and Dylan weren’t in that car. If I’d lost all of you,” Jake swallowed the lump in his throat, “I don’t know how I would’ve survived that. I don’t think I would have survived that. Nina and Stan, Avery…I don’t know what we would’ve done.” A single tear slid down Nick’s cheek. Jake pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around him. “I truly believe, wherever your mom and dad are, they’re happy you and Dylan weren’t with them. They always wanted the world for both of you: to live long, healthy, happy lives.”
“Nick,” Dr. Harper said, “do you ever feel like you want to be with them?”
Jake’s head whipped in the direction of the doctor. Did he mean…? Jake looked back at Nick and held his breath, but then released it when Nick shook his head. “No, I mean, I miss them.” More tears fell and he wiped them away. “I miss them so much, but there’s a lot of things I want to do, ya know? Besides, Dylan and Uncle J need me.” He glanced over at Jake and the corner of his mouth lifted.
Jake wrapped an arm playfully around Nick’s neck and pulled him closer. “Yeah, kid, we do, so don’t forget it.”
“I won’t.” Jake let Nick push his arm away.
“You should be really proud of yourself, Nick.” Dr. Harper smiled then looked at the clock on the wall. “Well, that’s all the time we have today. I’ll see you both on Tuesday?”
“We’ll be here.”
Nick and Jake walked into the house and heard Dylan and Eli in the family room. There was a visible weight that was lifted off Nick’s shoulders. For the first time in weeks, Jake finally felt like things were going to be okay. He was absolutely blown away by what Nick had told him. He’d been so grateful the boys weren’t in the car, it never occurred to him that they almost were. Nick was caught between feeling guilty about not being with his parents and feeling happy that he wasn’t with his parents. That was a lot of weight for a twelve-year-old to carry alone. Thank fuck, he didn’t have to carry it alone anymore.
“What are you playing?” Nick looked at the cards spread out on the coffee table.
“Don’t tell me you don’t know how to play War, either.” Eli looked at Jake. “What is this world coming to?”
Nick sat down on the floor. “I didn’t even know we had cards.”
Eli handed him his stack. “Dylan, teach your brother how to play.”
“Okay.” Dylan gave Nick a smug smile. “But I’m good at it now, so you’re gonna lose.”
“Whatever, buttface,” Nick retorted, and Jake barked out a laugh when the biggest, goofiest smile spread across Dylan’s face at hearing Nick call him a buttface. Brothers always did that to each other…Kev, we used to do the same thing. Small things were going back to normal.
“Hey.” Eli stopped in front of him. “How’d it go?”
“Really good.” Jake didn’t feel it was his place to tell Eli what was discussed in therapy. That would be breaking a confidence with Nick. So, instead he said, “He’s gonna be okay, Eli.”
Eli grinned and turned his head to look at the boys. “Yeah, he is.” Looking back at Jake, Eli sighed. “Well, I better go. Bye, guys,” he said to the boys and started for the door.
“Wait!” Dylan yelled, getting up off the floor and running over to Eli. “You’re not eating dinner with us?”
Eli glanced at Jake before saying, “No, I can’t stay tonight.” Man, something about that just didn’t feel right to Jake.
“But you always eat dinner here,” Dylan whined, and Jake could see Eli wavering. He was tempted to let the guy get backed into a corner, but that wasn’t fair to him.
“Dylan, Eli can’t stay tonight.”
“Sorry. But I’ll see you next week, okay?” Eli took another step toward the door.
“Next week? Why?” Dylan was looking back and forth between Eli and Jake. Damn, Eli was right. The boys, especially Dylan, were already getting attached to Eli. “But we’re gonna carve pumpkins this weekend. You said you’d be in the contest.” That kid really knew how to pile on the guilt.
Eli hung his head. “That’s right. I did.” He looked back up at Dylan. “Okay, I’ll be here on Saturday night. I think Ryder, Kenz, and Parker wanted to be in the contest too.”
Jake eyed Eli and raised an eyebrow. They didn’t say anything about wanting to carve pumpkins. Eli wouldn’t even look in Jake’s direction, and—Oh shit! The guy’s lying. Is he that afraid to be alone with me? Somehow, that thought pleased Jake to no fucking end. “Did they, now?”
Eli flashed him a challenging look and growled through clenched teeth, “Yeah. They did.”
Jake snickered, nodding his head in a…you’re-full-of-shit kind of way. “Come on. I’ll walk you out.”
Eli said goodbye to the boys, but as soon as they were on the front steps, and Jake closed the front door, Eli’s face morphed from friendly to pissed off. “You’re such an ass.”
“What’d I do?” Jake innocently smiled.
“You could have helped me out in there.” Eli scowled, but it had the opposite effect than he was probably going for. Jake wanted to kiss the pout away.
Jake crossed his arms over his chest and took a step toward Eli. “I get that you want to put some space between you and me. I even get that you think I need time with the boys without you. But I’m not gonna help you avoid us altogether.”
“I’m not avoiding you,” Eli snapped.
“Yeah, you are. You’ve avoided me all week, and like I said, I get it. Just don’t think that’s the way it’s gonna be from now on,” he took another step closer, watched Eli breathe short breaths in and out, “because, yeah,” he lowered his voice, “I want to be inside you again…”
“Fuck,” Eli hissed out.
“But I need my best friend too.” Jake stared at Eli a second longer, making sure the message was received loud and clear. “See you tomorrow, Eli.” Jake turned and opened the front door. He couldn’t help the smug smile that was on his face as he walked into the house and closed the door behind him.
“What’s going on with you and Eli?” With Nick’s question, Jake stopped short. Nick and Dylan stood in front of the stairs, arms crossed over their chests and skeptical looks on their faces.
“What?”
Nick asked genuinely. “I thought he was your boyfriend? Why’d he just act so weird?”
“He’s your boyfriend?” Dylan looked hurt, like a secret had been kept from him.
“Who said he’s my boyfriend?” Jake asked defensively. He felt like he was in trouble for fuck’s sake.
“Oh, come on, Uncle J, we’re not stupid. We know you like him, like him.” Nick rolled his eyes, and Dylan, finally catching up, added, “Yeah.”
“Guys, Eli and I are just friends.” Jake passed them both to go into the kitchen.
Both boys followed behind him. “Is it ‘cause you think we don’t like that you like guys?” Nick asked, and Jake stopped short.
He whipped around. “What? No!” Nick stood there with a smirk on his face. The little shit. “Brat.” Jake turned back around and walked over to the counter.
“Come on, Uncle J. What’s the deal?” Nick persisted as both boys sat down at the counter.
Jake took the leftovers out of the fridge and sighed before turning to face his inquisitors. “I don’t know, guys.” He put the containers down. “There’s a lot going on right now. The hearing is in two weeks.” He looked around and decided to just get it all out. “We still have to figure out what’s going on with this place.” The smile fell from the boys’ faces.
“What do you mean?” Dylan nervously shifted on the stool.
I guess we’re having this convo tonight. He was getting used to expecting the unexpected. Jake pulled three plates out of the cabinet and began dishing the food out. “Your parents left the house to me, with a message that I could either sell or keep it. It’s up to me.”
“Why just you?” Nick’s back straightened defensively. “This is our home.”
“Hey,” Jake placed a hand over Nick’s, “that’s why I said we still have to figure out what to do. I would never make this decision without talking to the two of you.” He resumed dishing the food out and popped the first one in the microwave. “I’ve already been living here almost two months. Honestly, I don’t mind moving in for good…” this was the part he was dreading, “but things would have to change a bit.”
“What things?” Nick was still scowling. This might be a harder battle than Jake thought it would be.
Jake released a long exhale when the microwave beeped. It gave him a few seconds reprieve…which was as short as it sounded. Jake placed the plate with the hot food in front of Dylan and popped the next one in. “The biggest thing?” The boys nodded. “Guys, have you seen that guest bedroom? I mean, besides the fact that the closet is tight, have you seen me lay on that bed?”
Dylan snorted. “Your feet hang off the end.”
“Yeah. I’m six-five. I need at least a king, which I have at my place but…”
Nick looked down at the counter solemnly. “It won’t fit in there.”
“No…it won’t.” Jake turned back to the microwave when it beeped then put Nick’s food down in front of him. “Listen, guys, I haven’t said anything about you sleeping in your parents’ bed because I get it.” He reached in his back pocket and pulled out his cellphone. Jake found the name he wanted and turned the phone so the boys could see it.
“What’s that?” Dylan asked.
“Your dad’s text messages.” He looked down at the screen and felt the lump in his throat, but this time, he didn’t swallow it. Nick had been so brave tonight with everything he’d told Jake and the therapist. It was only fair he was just as honest. So, he let the tears fall. “I locked them all, even took screenshots, so I don’t lose them.” Dylan hopped off his stool and ran around the counter to hug Jake. “I miss him. He was my big brother. I miss your mom too. But they’ll always be in here.” He pressed a hand to his heart. “If we’re gonna stay here, if this is where you wanna live, then we gotta make it our own. You guys can go through everything with me and keep what you want.”
Dylan pulled back and looked up at Jake’s face. “Would Eli live here too?”
That was the last thing Jake was expecting. “What?”
Nick spoke up this time. “We’re just sayin’, if you want Eli to move in with us, we’re cool with it.”
“Yeah, and if you want Eli to be your boyfriend, we’re cool with that too,” Dylan added.
Jake wiped his eyes. “Eli…he comes from a family that’s just…” Shit, how the hell did he finish that?
“Mean?” Dylan guessed.
Jake immediately said, “No, not mean.”
“Then what?” Nick looked confused.
“Never mind. So, if we keep this house, you’re cool with making some changes around here?”
Both boys answered, “Yeah.”
“And you’ll start sleeping in your own beds again?”
They hesitated on that one, and as usual, Dylan looked to his big brother to see what the right answer was. When Nick conceded, “Yeah, we’ll sleep in our own beds,” Dylan immediately agreed.
“We’re gonna be okay, guys. I promise you that.” And for the first time, Jake thought, Kevin, I got this.