Jake sat in his car outside his brother’s house. He gripped the steering wheel, trying to stop the goddamn tremble. He felt like he was in an alternate universe. One where he’d never see Kevin or Maggie again. Eli had offered to come with him, but this was something he had to do alone. The boys didn’t really know Eli, and this was going to be hard enough.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, taking one more minute to prepare himself for the hardest thing he would ever have to do. Who the fuck was he kidding? There was no way to prepare yourself for telling two kids their parents were never coming back. It should have been you. Fuck, maybe it should have been him. The kids would get over losing him a hell of a lot easier than losing both their parents. He slammed his hands on the wheel several times then gripped it, leaning his head down and resting it on them. One more deep breath and he sat up, opened the door, and got out.
He stared at his brother’s white Colonial then turned to the right and walked over to the neighbors’ house. Wiping his clammy hands on his jeans, he closed his eyes, raised his hand, and knocked. A moment later, Stan opened the door. Jake had called earlier to let him and his wife, Nina, know what was going on. They were an older couple in their late sixties who could never have children of their own. With Jake and Kevin’s parents being the way they were, and Maggie’s parents gone, Stan and Nina were like surrogate grandparents to the boys. The sympathetic look on Stan’s face didn’t make things any easier. Jake would have to get used to seeing it though. He swallowed the lump in his throat, knowing he had to hold it together for the boys.
“Jake, come in.” Stan stepped to the side. Once Jake was inside, the man opened and closed his mouth, as if searching for the right words. There were none. “Nina and I are just sick about what’s happened. Kevin and Maggie were such good neighbors…like family, really. If there’s anything we can do…”
Jake nodded his head, wanting all of this shit to go away. He didn’t want to think about any of it, but—
“Uncle J!” Dylan yelled and ran over to him, knocking Jake back a step with the force of his hug.
“Hey, bud.” Jake wrapped an arm around his nephew, with the other hand on the back of his blond head. How am I going to do this?
“What are you doing here?” Nick had a skeptical look in his eyes as he stared at Jake. He was smart for a twelve-year-old—smart enough to see that there was a reason Jake was there instead of his parents.
Jake looked over Nick’s shoulder to the petite woman standing in the hall. Nina had an arm across her waist, her other hand covering her mouth. She looked like she’d been holding in tears for hours, and now that Jake was there, she could finally let them go.
She mouthed the words I’m sorry then cleared her throat. “Stan, can you help me with something in the kitchen?”
“Of course, sweetheart.” Stan squeezed Jake’s shoulder as he passed by, but Jake was focused on Nick, who was still standing a few feet away.
“Are you eating dinner with us?” Dylan asked, looking up at Jake. “Mom and Dad went to the store, but they said we can have tacos tonight.”
I can’t do this, Kevin. How am I supposed to do this?
“We’re not having tacos, Dylan,” Nick said to his brother. His bottom lip quivered as he stared at Jake. “Are we, Uncle J?”
“No,” Jake whispered then looked down when Dylan let go of him and backed up.
Dylan looked back and forth between his brother and Jake, and in a small voice asked, “Where are Mom and Dad?”
“Let’s go back to your house—”
“Where are they?” The question came from Nick this time.
Jake wiped his hands on his jeans and swallowed the lump in his throat. “There…was an accident.”
“No.” Nick shook his head, unwilling to accept what he had heard.
Jake took a step forward, and Nick took a step back. “The doctors…they tried everything.” Oh God, I’m fucking this up.
“No!” Nick yelled, his eyes welling up with tears. Dylan made his way over to his brother with slow steps. “You’re lying!”
“Nick?” Dylan whispered in confusion, his voice trembling.
Jake opened his mouth, trying to find the words, when Nick went to run around him to the front door. Jake reached out his arm, catching him around the waist. Nick struggled, shoved, punched, and all the while just kept yelling, “No!” through choked sobs. Jake couldn’t keep his own tears at bay any longer and broke down. He allowed his nephew to hit him but never let go through the onslaught. As the punches slowed, and Nick’s voice softened to a whimper, Jake looked up and saw Dylan standing in the hall, his arms wrapped around himself, tears streaming down his pale skin. Jake reached out an arm, and immediately Dylan ran to him and wrapped his arms tightly around Jake’s neck.
And they just cried.
Jake lay wide awake on his brother’s couch, completely exhausted, but there was no way in hell he was falling asleep tonight. The hours after he told the boys were eerily quiet. All three of them went to the boys’ home, and when they walked in the door, they stood in silence in the foyer. It made sense that the house was quiet; they knew no one was home. That had a different meaning, though, than ever before, and the realization was a hard one to swallow.
Jake had made them mac and cheese for dinner, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that Maggie would have made them something better…something healthier. Then he had to remind himself that the boys would never have another meal made by their mom again. Jake rubbed his chest, trying to reach a pain that was too deep.
The floor creaked on the second floor, and Jake glanced toward the stairs. He listened for footsteps, thinking for sure that it was one or both of the boys coming downstairs. Neither of them came though, and once again, the house was silent.
Unease had him getting up anyway an hour later. He wanted to check on them, just once. He climbed the stairs as quietly as he could, cursing the wooden steps as a few creaked under his weight. He went to Dylan’s room first and slightly cracked the door. Panic flooded him when he saw the twin bed was empty. He looked toward Nick’s room and realized Dylan probably wanted to be with his big brother. Finding that bedroom empty too made his panic skyrocket. He rushed to the stairs, then stopped short before taking the first step down. Glancing to the right, he saw the door to Kevin and Maggie’s room was slightly open and flickering light was coming from the darkness. Jake pushed open the door a little further, but froze when he took in the sight of his nephews curled up in their parents’ bed with the TV on mute. At first, he thought they were still awake, but then he realized they’d both fallen asleep, probably with the help of the infomercial on the TV.
Jake made his way back downstairs and sat in the darkness on the couch. The mantle above the fireplace was crowded with photos of the four of them. A couple included Jake too. He leaned his head back on the couch and closed his eyes, wishing he could fall asleep and forget for a while. When that didn’t work, he leaned over and picked up his phone from the coffee table and looked at the time. Two a.m. He unlocked it and opened his contacts, hovering his thumb over the lit-up name. He didn’t know what he was thinking; he just…needed him.
You up? Jake held his breath.
Yeah.
The response was immediate, and Jake released a shaky breath. Shit. Now he had no idea what to say. Of course, with Eli, he never had to worry about that.
How are the boys?
Jake glanced back to the stairs and couldn’t push down that feeling of helplessness. As good as can be expected. Fuck this… He pressed the button and held his breath.
“Hey.” Eli’s voice was a comfort Jake didn’t even realize he needed until that very moment.
“Hey,” he replied lamely and sighed. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, Eli.”
“The first thing you need to do is cut yourself some slack. The boys aren’t the only ones who lost people they love today.” There was a pause on the other end and then Eli added, “You’re allowed to grieve, Jake.”
Jake. Part of him thought he’d never hear Eli call him that again.
Eli was afraid he’d gone too far when Jake didn’t respond, but then he heard Jake whisper, “I don’t know what they were thinking.”
“Who?”
“Kev and Maggie. I’m not cut out for this shit, Eli. I can’t even take care of myself.”
Eli couldn’t imagine the turmoil Jake was going through. “They wouldn’t have chosen you if they didn’t think you could take care of them. That’s not a decision anyone makes lightly.”
Jake was quiet before saying, “I knew.”
He felt like Jake was speaking in riddles, but he could also hear the exhaustion in his voice. “You knew what?” Eli sat up against the headboard. He hadn’t slept at all and knew it wasn’t happening.
“I knew they chose me as the guardian. Nick was almost three, I think, and Dylan was one, and they asked me if I would be okay with being the boys’ guardian if anything ever happened to them.” Eli could hear Jake take a shaky breath and heard the emotion in his voice. “I just never… I never…fuck…” His voice trailed off, and he released another trembling breath.
“You never thought it would happen,” Eli finished for him.
Jake whispered, “Yeah.” He cleared his voice, as if gaining his composure, and this time his voice came through firmer. “Can you open the shop tomorrow? Someone has to open the shop.”
“Jake…”
“And my clients need to be called and rescheduled.”
“Jake, it’s—”
“I have to plan the funeral, so I’m gonna need a few days.”
“Jake!” The other end of the phone was finally silent. “Tomorrow’s Sunday. The shop’s closed.”
“Shit,” Jake whispered. “I forgot. This was the longest fucking day of my life.”
“I know,” Eli answered back softly. “I don’t want you to worry about that shit, okay? Me, Ryder, Kenz…we got the shop covered.” Eli thought back to the words he’d spoken to Jake at the hospital. “You’re not alone. Remember that, okay?”
“Yeah,” Jake agreed quietly. “Yeah.”
Eli heard the soft confirmation, but the question was, did Jake really believe it?
Jake’s broken voice haunted Eli for the rest of the night. After they hung up, he lay in his bed and stared at the ceiling. Eli kept checking the time on his phone, wishing it would go by faster. It had taken some convincing, but Jake agreed to let Eli and the rest of the gang come over the next day. The only way Jake would truly know he wasn’t alone was if they proved it to him. So, that’s exactly what they were going to do.
Close to seven that morning, Eli’s phone rang as he was making coffee and relief washed over him as he looked at the caller ID. “Mom.” His voice cracked, and for the first time, he released the lump in his throat. He didn’t know Kevin and Maggie that well, but he had met them a few times.
“How are you, honey?” Her voice held a mixture of concern and sympathy.
“I don’t even want to imagine what he’s going through, Mom. If I ever lost…” He couldn’t even finish that sentence, the pain hitting too close to home.
“I can’t imagine either,” she agreed.
“I don’t really know what to do for him.” Eli sat on the wooden stool at the counter as he leaned on one elbow and rested his forehead in his hand.
“Just be there for him, honey. Just be there.”
By the time Eli got to Jake’s brother’s house, his nerves were officially through the roof. He’d gone to the store first, and had probably gone overboard, but Jake needed easy right now. That meant premade meals, deli meat, and rolls.
He stood on the front steps of the address Jake texted him, and just as he was about to knock, the door opened. He leaned back and looked at the number next to the door, worried he had the wrong place.
“You must be Eli.” The woman smiled warmly and immediately reached for one of the bags in his hand and ushered him inside. “I’m Nina Ackerman. I live next door with my husband, Stan. Everyone’s in the family room to the left.” Man, he hoped that meant Ryder, Kenz, and Parker because suddenly he was feeling out of place.
“Thank you.” He lifted the bags in his hands slightly. “I’ll just bring these to the kitchen first.”
“Nonsense. Stan!” Nina yelled, making Eli flinch. An older man came into the foyer and immediately took the bags from Eli. Nina nudged her head in the direction of the family room. “Go ahead in. Can I get you anything to drink?”
“No, thank you, ma’am.”
“Nina.” She corrected him then went in the other direction with her husband trailing behind.
Eli turned toward the family room and wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. When he entered the room, all eyes turned on him, but one person always stood out like a neon sign. Was it just his imagination that Jake looked relieved to see him?
Jake was to the left, sitting on the couch with his nephew, Dylan. The boy was pressed against his side watching TV. Avery sat at a small desk in the corner of the room, papers spread out alongside his laptop. No sign of their friends.
But all Eli could see was Jake.
Jake attempted to stand when Dylan grabbed his hand with a look of panic on his young face. Jake whispered, “I’ll be right back.” It broke Eli’s heart to see that the boy still didn’t want to let go. “Avery? Can you sit with Dylan a minute?”
“Oh yeah, sure.” Avery took his glasses off and set them on the desk then crossed the room and sat beside Dylan. The boy still didn’t look happy, but he settled back against the couch and turned his eyes to the TV again.
As Jake approached him, Eli took in his appearance: bloodshot eyes with black circles underneath, dark hair that looked like he’d run his hands through it several times, and the same clothes he had on at the hospital the day before. Shit. I should’ve gotten some of his things.
Jake signaled for Eli to follow him, and they made their way back out into the foyer, down the hall, and into a small office. Once inside, Jake closed the door and leaned back against it, releasing a long breath. Eli couldn’t help but feel that pull toward Jake, but he knew it was incredibly stupid to act on it. Jake’s world had been turned upside down, but that didn’t mean things between them had changed.
Eli shoved his hands in his pockets. “How are you doing?”
“He’s been attached to my side all morning.” Jake scratched his unshaven face then pushed off the door, walked across the room, and slumped down in the desk chair. “I can barely go to the bathroom without him following me. Nick won’t come out of his fucking room.” He looked up at Eli with a pained expression. “I have no idea what to do for either one of them. I can’t even get Nick to eat today.”
“They have to go through it in their own way. All you can do is be there for whatever they need.”
“I don’t know how to do that.”
“Bullshit.” Eli pulled his hands out of his pockets and crossed his arms over his chest. Jake looked up at him skeptically. “You’re already doing it.” He paused then added, “But you didn’t answer my question; I asked how you are.”
Jake hunched over, leaning his elbows on his thighs and clasped his hands together, staring at the floor. For a minute, Eli didn’t think he was going to answer him until he heard Jake’s deep, raspy voice. “He stood by me, ya know? When our parents kicked me out, Kevin never gave up on me. Hell, as soon as he graduated college, he left Connecticut for good and moved here. He…” Jake shook his head and wiped at his eyes then took a few calming breaths.
When the doorbell rang, both Jake and Eli looked toward the closed office door. It was most likely their friends. Jake stood up and immediately shuttered his emotions. He crossed the small room to the door, Eli following behind him, when Jake stopped with his hand on the handle. “Thank you,” Jake whispered.
“For what?”
Jake looked back over his shoulder, so many words left hanging in the air between them. Eli held his breath at the intensity in Jake’s brown eyes. It felt like minutes passed as they stared at each other until finally Jake averted his eyes and opened the door.