Chapter 22
Gordon
“Guys, remember your grandma is coming to stay the night with you,” I told my kids who were seated around the breakfast table. We had half an hour for them to get to school, sufficient time for me to drop them there. I glanced at Ollie and smiled. Since he had been behaving himself, I planned to get him a car for his birthday next month. I hadn’t told him yet though because I wanted it to be a surprise. I decided he deserved it. Despite getting into trouble, it had been a tough time for us, and maybe the responsibility would make him think twice before he blew his curfew. I could use the car as leverage to get him to conform to rules. Or I would create an even worse monster.
“We’re alright on our own,” Ollie answered with a scowl. “We don’t need grandma to stay with us.”
“Yeah,” Charlie agreed. “Nobody stays with us when you sneak out at night.”
I stared at her in surprise, my face turning red. Of course, they would have heard me coming and going, but I never expected anyone to point it out. Charlie had an accusatory look on her face as though she was waiting for an explanation.
“That’s different,” I simply said. “I’ve always been close by, and I’ve never left you alone for the entire night. I rarely make these trips anymore so far out of town, so I expect you guys to be on your best behavior while I’m gone.”
“Like grandma lets us get away with anything.”
I grinned at her statement because it was true. My mother was a disciplinarian and still hadn’t lost her touch. She was a wonderful person and loved the kids. She spoiled them with gifts, but she didn’t give them as much leeway as I did. While I allowed them to slack off on their chores, when she was around, they had to do their part.
“Great. I got here just in time for breakfast!”
Speaking of the devil, my mother, Anita Mattis swept into our kitchen as though she lived here.
“Mom!” I scolded, not even surprised a bit. “Don’t you ever knock?”
She fanned me away and made a beeline for the kids. “Why should I? Your front door is always unlocked like all the other houses in Lacovia.” She turned her attention to the kids and fussed while squeezing the life out of them.
After planting her lipstick on both the kids’ cheeks despite their protests, she turned to me. She paused and checked me out from my head to my feet. “You look well,” she remarked. “Certainly better than the last time we spoke.” She turned to the kids. “Go brush your teeth and give your father and me some privacy.”
Charlie and Ollie were only too glad to comply. I groaned because my mom would want to grill me. I loved her, but she tended to be a little bit nosier than I cared for.
“You’re seeing someone,” she stated as soon as the kids left. “I can see it in your eyes.”
I stepped back. “Jeez, mom, you just got here. How was your trip?”
“Last time I checked the road from Baton Rouge here hadn’t changed. Now stop avoiding the topic. Are you dating again?”
“I don’t want to talk about it, ma.” I walked around her to clear the table.
“Why not? You went through a traumatic experience with Barbara. I just want to know you’ve found a woman who will glue back the pieces to your heart.”
I rolled my eyes but ensured I had my back to her. I was thirty-eight but wasn’t beyond the reproach of her mighty tongue. “This isn’t a soap opera, ma. Nobody will glue back the pieces of my heart because it’s still a whole. There’s nothing to tell.”
“Hmm, I bet there is.”
I shrugged. “Well, I won’t bet you.”
“Because you know you’d lose. You are seeing someone!”
My lips twitched. “Nice try, mom but that hasn’t worked on me for a long time.”
She snapped her fingers. “Shucks. I’ll let it go for now.” She patted my cheek then. “But can I tell you that you look happier than I’ve seen you in a while?”
“I could barely be happy at losing my wife.”
She shook her head. “I mean way before that.” When I didn’t reply she continued, “I know you think you were fooling the world, Gordon, but it was quite evident your marriage with Barbara was on the rocks. I’m surprised it lasted that long. I’m sorry, son, but she wasn’t the woman for you.”
I frowned at her. “Drop it, mom. I don’t want you talking like this around the kids. It’s the past. Let them keep the happy memories of their mother.”
She shrugged. “Alright. Whatever you say. I’m just glad you look happy.”
Thank God the kids came down then so I could say goodbye to her. I’d always thought Barbara and I had covered up the wounds of our marriage. How much did mother know or suspect? She would probably side with Barbara if she discovered the real reason my marriage didn’t work. It was all my fault marrying Barbara.
I dropped the kids off at school and reminded Charlie to get a ride with one of the kids home after practice at the community center. She was heavily invested in the play which was great because she was finally becoming active again.
Not that I expected to see him, but I was disappointed in not running into Beau. His car was already parked in the parking area designed for staff, so I knew he was already inside the building. I hadn’t dropped in on him for a few nights now because I was covering shifts for our driver who was out. I wouldn’t get to see him tonight either because I had to provide trucking service which would take me all day. I wouldn’t be back home until tomorrow.
Before I drove away from the school, I shot him a quick message.
Saw your car. It got me thinking about you. I’ll be away today again, and I won’t like it. I miss coming to you at night.
After sending the message, I tossed the phone on the seat beside me. It still felt weird sometimes texting Beau and calling him on break. I never had this kind of intimacy with anyone else before, and it was more than just the sex, although we were even closer since he took charge and made me his bottom. Whenever I remembered that night, I would get hard again. What he had done to me had been so hot. It had hurt, and I’d been cautious to not show the discomfort around others after that first night, but I’d had no qualms about him doing it to me again the next time we met.
Beau inside me was even more intense than me being inside him. Since it had happened, we were both more relaxed, and I felt more of his equal in every way. He could pleasure me just as much as I pleasured him and that made us both happy. I also sensed the relief in him that I enjoyed him making love to me. The last time we had made love to each other, flip-flopping until we both came.
I tried to think of other things on the drive to the trucking station. The last thing I wanted was to approach my men with a bulge in the front of my jeans. They could be brutal when it came to discussion of sex and women. I’d have never heard the end of it if they saw my hard-on. I frowned, wondering how they would react to finding out I was gay. Eventually, they would know just as everyone else would. The more I was with Beau, the more I wanted to be out with him, to do things in public that heterosexual couples did. We’d never have that unless I came out. I felt so close to making that decision but just a little bit more time to think things through. Beau had mentioned he loved me, but I wasn’t a clueless teen. Love didn’t always mean both persons ended up together.
At the trucking yard, I went over assignments with the guys on duty that day, putting Red in charge of the shorter deliveries since I wouldn’t be back until the next day. I had a delivery to make in Alabama which was almost a seven-hour journey. Passing through scale houses and all the essential stops stretched the drive to another hour. I wanted to make good on time, so I only stopped for bathroom breaks. In Alabama, after unloading, I refueled at York Marathon Truck Stop and had an early dinner.
Refueled, I jumped back in my truck and hit the road. For many, the life of a trucker might have seemed lonely, but it had been a reprieve from my marriage. When I’d bought the company from the previous owner, I’d pumped money into the business, converting a statewide service into a business that serviced several states. I had doubled our fleet and expanded our service to handling not only dry bulk and heavy haul but some chemical transport as well.
Since the previous owner had such a strong customer base already, I never experienced the difficulties of a start-up company. The business had always boomed. Hector, my former boss, had loved his job. When he went senile, there was no one else in his family to take over the business. His only son, who favored a corporate lifestyle, had only been too happy to sell it to me at a reduced rate. With the aid of loans and mortgaging our house, I took over Reliable Trucking Service and made it even grander. Apart from my kids, the business was my pride and joy.
Over the past year, I had begun to settle more into the desk job duty of owning the business to stay close to my kids. I had realized in trying to avoid my wife, I was also doing my kids a disservice. I’d missed out much of their lives being on the road when I was just a truck driver. No wonder they were not as close to me as they had been with their mother and I only had myself to blame.
By the time I arrived in Atlanta, I was exhausted and grateful for the eleven-hour driving rule. I located the closest truck stop and pulled into the one on Donald Lee Hollowell Parkway. Since the truck was empty, I felt better leaving it for a short time to relieve my bladder. I couldn’t resist the aroma coming from the restaurants and gave in to the growl of my stomach. I took a seat in one of the restaurants where I was able to keep an eye on the truck. It was highly unlikely anything would happen to it in broad daylight and especially unloaded, but I didn’t like leaving things to chance.
I called my mom and checked on my kids which exhausted me even more. The short call I intended to make turned into a long conversation until I had to cut her off by informing her I was eating. I told her I would be back later tomorrow then hung up before she could find something else to say.
I wanted to call Beau, but he would be at the community center until seven, rehearsing with the kids. He usually had his phone off or on silent while he was engaged in his work. He took his job seriously, and when he talked about teaching and making a difference, I sensed how passionate he was about his career. I wouldn’t have had the patience to teach children, so I respected his enthusiasm for his job.
After chatting with a few of the other truckers around and turning down an overzealous waitress who wanted to climb into my truck, I decided to retire for the night. I washed up as best as I could with the supplies at the truck stop before I secured the truck with an old trick I had been taught, looping the seatbelt tightly through the handle of the doors before locking them into place. One couldn’t be too careful when on the road.
Satisfied that I was as secure as I could be, I entered the sleeper berth behind the cab and turned down the single bed. It wasn’t as vast as some others, but it was luxury considering some truckers had to sleep in their seats reclined. I stripped off my shoes but left my clothes on. In the case of an emergency, I might not have enough time to pull on clothes before getting out of the truck. I barely slid beneath the sheets and reached for my phone to call Beau when it rang. I smiled to see his name flash across the screen.
“Hey, what’s up?” I answered his call.
“Just got home,” he replied.
“Hmm. You should have been home at least an hour ago,” I told him, checking the time. “Not that I’ve been watching the time or anything.”
He chuckled. “You totally were. Admit it.”
“Yeah, well?”
“You didn’t tell me your mom was in town.”
I pulled the covers to my chin. “I decided to call her to stay with the kids. I didn’t like the idea of me being so far away and them not having anyone around.”
“It’s fine. Just that you could have told me, you know. Before she ambushed me and invited me to dinner with your family.”
“She did what?" I jerked to a sitting position in the bed. "Beau, you’re not making sense. You met my mother?”
“After practice, none of the other kids were able to drop Charlie home,” he said. “So, since you weren’t in town, I decided to be the supportive boyfriend and drop your daughter home. Your mom came out, saw me and insisted that I stay for dinner. There’s nothing I could have said to her that would have translated as ‘no’, Gordon. Your mother doesn’t listen well.”
I chewed on my bottom lip, groaning at the thought of my mother and Beau together. “Did she try to interrogate you?”
“That and give me relationship advice when she found out I didn’t have a girlfriend.”
“Shit. Sorry about that. Ma can be a pain. She usually stays away unless she’s needed because she knows she drives everyone insane. We love her, but she can be a little too much to handle.”
“Well, I survived, and now you owe me.”
“I miss you,” I told him, innocently.
“Uh-uh. That ain’t gonna work, mister.”
“What do you want then?” I asked him, leaning back against the pillows.
“You.”
I sucked in a deep breath at his word. “But you’re so far away.”
“I’m just a thought away,” he purred in my ears. “Now why don’t you get naked and tell me how you’d fuck me in that truck of yours?”
I swallowed hard and told him every gritty detail of how I'd make him squeal.
Chapter 23
Beau
“That sounds like fun,” I remarked at my co-worker’s suggestion that we should plan a weekend trip to New Orleans. “I haven’t—” the ringing of my cell phone interrupted me, and plans completely forgotten, I reached for it where it was located on the coffee table. “Sorry guys, I’ve to take this.”
Conscious of the eyes on me in the teacher’s lounge, I headed for the male bathroom.
“Hey, I’ve been hoping you would call me,” I answered the phone.
“After you sent me that pic, how could I not?” Gordon growled at me.
I chuckled, thinking about the naked picture I had sent him of myself in the shower this morning. Who could blame me when I missed him so much? He’d lost a few truckers who had decided to form a smaller trucking company. While he was interviewing, he had to do a few of the shorter hauls. These days he was caught between work and doing therapy with his kids, so we’d had little time to see each other physically.
“I take it you like it?” I asked. “I wasn’t so sure when I didn’t get back a reply immediately.”
“My battery was dead. I just saw it when I turned on my phone and what’s not to like?”
“We’re still on for later then? Please say yes. I’ve missed you.”
“I know. I missed you too, and yes, we’re still on.”
“Good.” The bell chose to ring then, announcing the end of my lunch. “I’ll see you later. I’ve to go substitute for a class.”
“Okay. I can’t wait for tonight.”
“Me too.”
I hung up the phone and returned to the teacher’s lounge where we had been discussing the possibility of unwinding on a group trip to New Orleans. I was ambivalent about it. I wanted to go because I had yet to do anything entertaining since I had been there. With the work days and volunteering at the community center, then starting a relationship with Gordon, I had little time. But, I wanted Gordon to come along with me. That was a dismal possibility though which meant I would miss another weekend with him if I decided to go on this trip.
“You in on this trip?” Griffin, one of our Algebra teachers, asked as I entered the lounge.
“I’ll have to think about it,” I replied. “I may have something to do that weekend.”
“Well, the date isn’t decided yet.”
“Fine, send the information to my email. I’ve to do a sub for the P.E teacher.”
“Freshmen?”
I shook my head. “Seniors.”
His face creased with concern. “Be stern with those kids. If they think they can push you over, they will make a fool of you in front of the class.”
I nodded, thanked him for the advice and quickly moved towards the classroom where I would be subbing for Chuck Taylor, who ran the Sports department. Subbing was a part of my duties this year, but this was the first time I had a senior class to substitute.
When I walked into the classroom, only a handful of students were there. I introduced myself to them as their substitute teacher for the day and apologized for the absence of their regular teacher. I checked my watch, noting the hour was already ten minutes past one. The students started trickling in their small groups which I was used to by now. When they got wind that a teacher was absent, they took their time in arriving at class. Usually, I would document my students who came late, but although I had a register of the students’ names, I could not trust them to be honest about who they were.
The final group of guys arrived thirty-five minutes late. I wasn’t the strictest teacher at the institution, and I encouraged students to be their opinionated selves, given they did so respectfully. I would have allowed them to sit quietly with the other students. Some were sleeping, others doing assignments. The group of four guys who entered took one look at me and snickered.
“I’m Mr. Moreau, subbing for today,” I introduced myself with a smile. “You can have a seat where they are available.”
“Where’s Mr. Taylor?”
I turned my attention to the speaker of the bunch and paused. Had I seen him around before? He looked vaguely familiar. Blond hair, blue eyes and on the peak of manhood. He had a cocky little smirk on his face. I was disturbed by the dislike I identified in his eyes.
“Mr. Taylor isn’t at work today,” I answered. “I’ll be with the class for the hour.”
“Cool, we can go back to the court then,” the blond replied, and his friends nodded in agreement.
“Instructions are that you stay in today so if you could take your seat.”
“You can’t tell us what to do. You’re not our teacher.”
I rose to my feet, asserting myself. Kids could be intimidating, especially when they were a part of a clique, but I’d learned during my teaching practice back in England, that the interaction between student and teacher for the first time, determined the kind of relationship that would exist between the two. The entire class was watching and for them to challenge my authority, would leave the others with an impression of me.
“Regardless of what you think I am or am not,” I stated with clarity but calmly, “is of little consequence. You need to take your seats, now.”
Seconds ticked by as we faced off. I maintained my stance, not backing down. This wasn’t the first time a student was challenging me, but this time was different. I could sense it. He had no real reason to question me, but he was. Was it for the benefit of his friends or was something else at stake for him? For God’s sake kid, make this easy for both of us and go to your seat.
“We don’t have to do anything,” he argued. “This is P.E. We belong outside, and that’s exactly where we are going.”
“You set a foot outside that door, and you can just continue to the principal’s office.” I rarely ever sent kids to the principal’s office so I was hoping he wouldn’t walk out. The principal was known for his extreme measures at times. Given the rise in pranks by senior students because they knew they would be going off to college soon, he was threatening them with a bar from graduation and their prom.
Instead of taking it as a warning and complying, he swung around to face me. “Why? Because we want to do P.E outside instead of in a classroom?”
“My job as your substitute is to sit with you. Here, in this classroom and this is where we will stay. End of discussion.”
Chattering started by the other students, but I could hardly pay them any mind when this man-child was arguing with me. I knew it was imperative for me to end the conversation and stop feeding him ammunition for his snarky comments.
“Fine! Since you can’t handle being outdoors with the real men, we’ll stay in.” He rolled his eyes and scoffed at his friends. “Now we know who wears the panties in his relationship.” His friend snickered. “Thanks for clearing that up because we’ve all been wondering.” He moved off to comply but muttered loud enough for me to hear, “Fag.”
A gasp erupted from the students, and I could feel my anger mounting. The students were all silent, watching what I'd do next. I'd had it with his smart mouth. Plus, this was the second time someone was throwing the word at me, and I was the right amount of edgy, remembering Eric getting away with what he’d done to Gordon and me. I tried to control my anger. Barely.
“Principal’s office, right now." This kid was begging for it.
“What for? I know we ain’t wrong about you. You’ve no right to be teaching us!” He ended on a shout. I was almost tempted to shout back at him but what good would that be?
“Principal’s office,” I reiterated. “Now. I’ll be along shortly.”
I didn’t have a problem with him challenging me about my sexuality. I was happy being a gay man. Rather, his blatant disregard for my authority, his obstinance, and refusal to do as he was told all amounted to insubordination which was against the school rule, and punishable by two days of suspension. I also envisioned that if someone had curbed Eric when he was younger and made him informed, he wouldn’t have been as hateful towards Gordon and me. I’d chosen this school to teach because they took disrespect of their staff by students seriously.
Once the disrespectful student grumbled on out of the classroom, his friends were easier to get settled. In fact, they didn’t need to be told to get to their seats. They went willingly. I had to wait until the class finished then I dismissed the students and headed for the Principal’s office. I hated having to send a student there, especially one from the graduating class. Mr. Jackson, the principal, had already forbidden two teens caught smoking pot in the locker room from this year’s graduation.
At the principal’s office, I stole glances at the kid sitting outside while I filled out the incident report form. I didn’t know why but he looked familiar. I tried to rack my brain but could not come up with how I knew the kid. He glared at me, and I frowned at him. This kid had some serious issues, and I was already sorry for whoever his parent was.
What happened next was pretty straightforward. The Principal’s secretary, Rebecca advised us when we could go in, and I presented the issue I had in the substitution class. I felt a little sorry for the boy when he didn’t contradict my statement. I was at least preparing for him to misconstrue what he had said to try to get off. Instead, he sat there, mostly quiet, his hands folded in his lap. He seemed almost regretful for his behavior.
“Principal McLean, if the student issues a public apology, the matter can be laid to rest.”
“No, no, Mr. Moreau,” the principal said, sounding angry as he stared at the boy he pointed at. “I told you the last time that if I ever saw you in my office again, it’s bye bye graduation for you.”
The boy gasped, shaken. “You can’t do that, sir. I’ll do the apology. My dad will kill me if I don’t graduate because of this.”
“I’m willing to accept the apology,” I said, wincing at how thin-skin I sounded, caving in to protect the boy. Something about him struck a chord with me.
“I’m afraid the decision isn’t yours to make, Mr. Moreau,” the principal declared. “Once you bring the matter to me, it’s now left up to the disciplinary committee and me to deal with the matter how we see fit.” He turned his attention to the boy. “Now Oliver here has been breaking the rules too often, and we don’t have a school if the rules aren’t upheld. We’ll have to make an example out of him.”
“Oliver?” I said, my face paling as I stared at the boy again. Everything clicked in place. Oliver. Ollie. No wonder the kid was concerned his dad was going to kill him. His father was none other than my boyfriend. Did he know about my relationship with his father and, was that the reason he was acting out?
Impossible. He couldn’t know.
“Yes, you might have heard of the troubled Oliver Mattis.” A knock sounded on the door, snagging our attention. “That must be his father now. We’ll deal with the problem once and for all. It’s now in our hands, Mr. Moreau. You may go back to your class.”
I didn’t have a class, but the stubborn look on Principal McLean’s face and I knew whatever I said would not have made a difference. I rose to my feet, feeling weak in the knees. Gordon would never forgive me if I had caused his son to be barred from graduation. But what was I to do? Even if I had known who his father was, I was still bound to report the kid for his insolent behavior.
Chapter 24
Gordon
How a day could go from a perfect score of ten to zero seemed to be my cross to figure out. One minute I was perfectly content at work, even humming, which Glenna had pointed out to me. The anticipation of meeting Beau later and being with him made me hot just thinking about it. It was like being shot with a sudden bout of energy. I couldn’t wait for the day to finish fast enough.
I should have known by now that my state of happiness rarely lasted long. If I didn’t have to worry about something, my day didn’t seem to be complete these days. Glenna had almost looked reluctant in passing me the news that Ollie was in trouble again, and this time his offense had been to a teacher. I knew it was bad. Lacovia Academy didn’t tolerate disrespect to their teachers even when I was in attendance.
I tried not to be upset but to wait until I arrived at the school to hear things out and then cast judgement, but how could I give him the benefit of the doubt when it was Ollie? If I’d been called to the principal’s office because of Charlie, then I would not have believed she did anything wrong until I had hard evidence. With Ollie, it was different. With him, it wasn’t a matter of if he did it but what did he do this time?
The secretary directed me to go into the office where Ollie and the teacher were waiting with Jackson. I rapped on the door to announce my presence and waited. A few seconds later, the door opened from the inside, and I came face to face with Beau. He looked paler than usual, and he gnawed on his bottom lip, his eyes full of worry. I pushed my hands into the front of my pockets because I wanted to reach for him and ask him what was wrong.
“Gordon, I’m so sorry,” he apologized which bewildered me. “I didn’t know.”
Even as he said the words, his face reflected doubt. Before I could ask him what he meant, he was gone, walking down the corridor. I entered the office, closing the door behind me. Seeing Ollie with his head bent, unable to look at me, was guilty enough for me to be his executioner.
“Gordon, so glad you could join us,” Jackson announced. “Have a seat?”
I didn’t feel like sitting. I’d had enough of this bullshit with Ollie and wasn’t in the mood to be pacified. Besides, I now had a suspicion why Beau had been here and had apologized to me.
“Why don’t we save all the pleasantries and cut to the chase,” I answered. “What’d he do this time?”
He handed me a report sheet. “Read for yourself then kindly inform me what you think is a fair punishment. The last time we spoke, we agreed, any further infractions and he will not be allowed to graduate.”
The first thing that caught my eye was Beau’s name printed just above his signature. The bottom of my stomach fell right at my feet. Ambivalence weighed in as I read the incident report sheet of Ollie’s disrespect to Beau. When I read the nature of it, I wanted to sit on the floor and cry. He wouldn’t understand. He wouldn’t be accepting of my relationship to Beau if he found out the truth. My heart grew heavy, and I took the seat I had been offered earlier.
I wanted to find out from him where his homophobia stemmed from. Not one homophobic statement had ever been uttered at home as far as I was concerned, but here I had a son who hated the very thing that I was.
I returned the paper to the principal, feeling every bit of my thirty-eight years. I had nothing to say that could ever make the situation better.
“What’s his punishment?” I asked Jackson, unable to look at my son any more. This was not the boy I had helped raise. This was not my son.
“He will stand before the disciplinary committee with regards to him being barred from graduation. Naturally, he’s not allowed to be anywhere near the prom venue as well. This kind of insubordination and hateful speech will not be tolerated in this school.”
Ollie’s head snapped up. “Nobody said anything about prom. I can’t miss the prom."
I glared at him, wishing I was close enough to slap him across the head. “That’s what you’re worried about in all of this?” I demanded. “That you’re going to miss some prom? You’re not thinking about how this will affect your permanent record and getting into a good college?”
He knew better than to respond. After settling his punishment, which included two days of suspension, we finally emerged from the office. Walking side by side, I kept my hands firmly in my pockets.
“I’ll walk home,” he said as soon as we walked out the front door of the high school.
I turned to glare at him, my whole frame taut with anger. “Do not try me today, Ollie. Get in the damn truck.”
He swallowed hard but didn’t argue. We walked to my truck and got in. I drove the distance to our house in silence. As soon as I parked in the driveway, he jumped out and headed for the steps. He used his key and was in the house as fast as a bullet. I followed him, ready to put a stop to this once and for all.
When I reached the top of the stairs, it was to hear his bedroom door slam shut followed by a bolt sliding in place. I’d not complained about the bolt before because he hardly locked it anyway, but now, the first thing I would do was to get it off. I refused to knock on the door.
“I’ll give you three seconds to open the door,” I told him.
“Can we talk about this some other time?” he asked from inside. “I don’t want to talk about this now.”
“One. Two.”
The bolt slid back from the bolt, and the door opened. Ashen-faced, he stared back at me, trying to be tough but I could see the fear in his eyes, the trembling in his lips.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I demanded. “You were doing so much better and now this? This! What are you trying to prove, Ollie?”
If it was possible, he turned even paler. “I wasn’t trying to prove anything. He’s gay. I told you so before.”
“What does that have to do with anything? How is it a concern of yours?”
“Because gay men aren’t real men!” he cried. He burst into frustrated tears I never saw coming. He swiped at them with the back of his hands but more just kept coming. “They have no place in Lacovia! We are treated like crap in this town, and that will never change.”
Shocked, I stared at him. “Did you just say we?” My question came out rough. “Ollie, are you saying you’re gay?”
He looked stricken at the very thought, his face mottled with anger. He scrubbed at his tears with the back of his hands. “Of course not! I’m not gay. I’m not. Okay? I didn’t say we. I said they. Just leave me alone.”
He slammed the door shut in my face. I collapsed against the door, my forehead on the smooth surface as it started to make sense. I could hear him sobbing inside, and I wanted to go to him but how could I? I stumbled down the stairs and to my truck, wanting to get away from him. I couldn’t be around him any longer. I had to return to work, just about the only thing that made sense these days.
***
Later that night, after having an awkward dinner at home with Charlie, Ollie locked up in his room and refusing to come out, I finally cracked. I could not stay in the house where my skeletons were all coming out of the closet. I was a terrible father. What kind of dad didn’t inspire the confidence in his son that he would feel he could approach me about something like this? What kind of dad was I that even now, knowing the truth, I still could not speak to him about it? What was I to say? I was in the closet, and that could not help him with what he was going through.
I told Charlie I was going out and to call me if she needed anything. I made the trip to Ollie’s room to tell him I was going too but retraced my steps. He was listening to heavy metal music and wouldn’t hear me anyway. At least that was the explanation I gave myself.
Twenty minutes later, I knocked on Beau’s apartment. I could hear him shuffling inside to get to the door. The door opened, and there he was looking concerned.
“Gordon, I’m sorry,” he apologized again. “I swear I didn’t know he was your son until after I’d already sent him to the principal.”
“I need something strong to drink,” I said and walked by him to get to the kitchen. He followed me, his nervous energy bouncing off the walls. I went straight to the fridge and found it stocked with grocery. There was no beer. I gave him a look of disbelief.
“You said I needed more groceries,” he said defensively. “I was concentrating so much on getting those items I forgot the beer.”
I shut the fridge with a thud. “The goddamn one time I actually need it.” I closed my eyes and rubbed at my temples.
“I can run by the gas station a few miles from here and pick up a few,” he offered.
I shook my head. “It’s fine. I’ll do without it.”
He pulled out a kitchen chair. “Sit.”
“I’m too keyed up to sit still.” I paced the small kitchen which wasn’t big enough for me to lose much energy and only left me feeling more frustrated.
“What happened when I left?” he asked. “I tried the whole accepting an apology to let the whole thing go routine, but Principal Jackson didn’t buy it.”
“He is not allowed to go to prom.” I turned accusatory eyes on him. “And he has to meet with the disciplinary committee to find out if he will be allowed to graduate or not.”
“Shit.” He ran his fingers through his hair, tugging at the tips. “And it’s all my fault.”
“You said you didn’t know he was my son?”
He shook his head. “I’ve never seen him before, although you talk about him often.”
“But you were in my house, dining with my mother and daughter,” I remarked in disbelief. “I have pictures of my kids on the walls.”
His eyes widened. “Oh my God. That’s how he looked familiar. I’ll talk to the principal again tomorrow,” he answered, albeit hesitantly. “Although to be fair Gordon, this is putting me in a tight spot. I can’t just bend the rules because he is your son.”
“Couldn’t you have just dealt with it without taking it up with the principal?” I asked, too keyed up to watch my tone. “You could have given him detention. Even that would have been better than taking him in.”
“He was blatantly disrespectful to me in front of the entire class, questioning and trying to belittle me because of my sexuality!” Beau answered sharply. “Might I remind you this is also your sexuality? Besides, I could not let his disrespect slide. Once you do that there's a breakdown in the system. If there is no punishment great enough for the offense, other kids follow suit believing they can get away with it. I’m sorry it had to happen to your son, but maybe if you’d tried being honest with him that you’re gay, he wouldn’t be so hateful about it!”
His words cut deeper than any other could because of its accuracy. I turned my back to him and leaned against the counter. Ollie’s sobs echoed in my memory and haunted me. So much now made sense to me. Maybe if I had paid more attention to him, and looked beyond the trouble he was causing to the root of it all, I would have understood.
“Gordon.” Beau came up and wrapped his arms around me from behind. His chest pressed into my back. I stiffened, torn between wanting to blame him and drawing from the comfort of his arms. “I didn’t mean that.”
“Yes, you did.” I reached for his hands around my waist, intending to pry his arms from me but he held on tight.
“Please, don’t be mad at me. I don’t want this to come between us.”
“I’m not mad at you,” I said with a sigh. “I’m mad at me. So fucking mad. I’m the reason that kid’s messed up, Beau.”
“No! That’s not true. You care about your kids. You’re a wonderful father.”
“A wonderful father who didn’t know until today that his son is gay!” I pried his arms away from me then and turned to face him. “Can you believe that? You should have seen him, Beau. He was scared and crying. He hates himself because of it and how can I not blame myself? If I’d been strong enough to come out a long time ago, he would not have to struggle so much to accept who he is? I could have been a role model for my son, but instead, I let him down.”
“Did you tell him you’re gay?” he asked softly.
“How can I?” Tears gathered in my eyes, and I tried to force them away. “If I tell him I’m gay too, he’ll only resent himself and me more. If his father kept it a secret for so long, why should he feel comfortable being himself when I’m not even comfortable being who I am?”
“You have to tell him,” he said. “Talk to him and make him understand.”
“I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”
“Calm down.” His voice was soothing to the ear. He took both my hands in his and squeezed them. “I know things look bad now, but they'll get better. Are you sure he's gay?”
I nodded. “Positive. He said something when we got home today that made everything fall into place. He's struggling to accept himself like I did at that age. I don't want him to go through what I did, Beau.”
“Then you know what you have to do. Be honest with him. You've been living a lie for twenty years, and that has not made you happy. Guide him to see he'll only be happy when he accepts himself.”
I grabbed him to me and hugged him hard. “I’m afraid. So afraid to see the disappointment in his eyes if I tell him.”
Beau was right of course. I’d never have peace of mind until I spoke to Ollie about what was bothering both of us. It was time for me to stop hiding and be the example my son needed. It was scary thinking about it, but Ollie deserved to be at peace with who he was. I had let him down for so long that I must be able to do this one thing for him.